Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns these lovely creatures, I am merely borrowing them. I can assure you I am profiting from this in no way, shape, or form. So there.

Warning: This is slash. That means, for those of you still blissfully ignorant, that there is some male/male/male action here and even some thought. Should this sort of thing squick you in any way, you may want to just move along. The rating and all else isn’t there just for kicks, you know. Also, an OOC warning, though mild. I tried, I really, really tried.

Rating: I’m going to go with an NC-17 for this story as there is some pretty hot sex, if I do say so myself. Then again, I could just be flattering myself…

Pairing: Relationship Harry/ Draco, and sex Draco/ Seamus. Don’t beat me; I swear there will be some Harry/ Draco in here as well, just in later installments.

A/N: Okay, I think that this deserves a bit of an explanation. I was getting really sick of writing all this angsty bullshit that actually goes somewhere. This is kind of without a plot, much like the original version, which was called Lie to Me. For those of you who are familiar with the story in question, let me assure you that this has improved greatly. This first installment is really just modified chapters 1-3. It’s kind of my excuse just to write discussions and inner monologues, though there is a purpose behind all that happens here. It may seem a bit disjointed, but consider the source, folks. I tried to get more graphic for Allie Potter, Rubicon (who is responsible for not letting me trash it when I decided it was rubbish), and Artema. I hope this is substantial, and I am working on improving, as usual. I was listening to a lot of Spacehog and other glam-rock when I wrote this, so it’s kind of got that edge to it. So, I was coming up with all these grand ideas for conversations but the only place I seemed to be able to use them was in an after-sex-discussion scenario. Of course the after-sex-discussion has become something of a cliché, so consider yourself warned, though I do think that I did it better justice than mere cliché. Also, shinji kind of inspired me with his character outlines. I didn’t mean to steal your idea, love, I was merely impressed with it. This story is kind of like a great, big, long character outline with other stuff thrown in. And this is also kind of inspired by Ailei’s Clued. I used it as a reference material. So, Ailei, let me assure you that I didn’t mean to steal your idea, either. Think of it as more of a kind of tribute, if you will. I hope you like it. So, on with the show!

Experiences Have a Lasting Impression

Since our first meeting, Harry Potter and I have not been on the best of terms. To put it lightly. This is due to my mockery, I must painfully admit. However, I can assure that it is only to mask my desires. As much as I would love to have him, it’s just not possible. Really, how much sense does it honestly make for a Death Eater’s son to be completely enamoured of the Boy Who Lived? Not much, I know. But that is the way it is and the way it has always been.

We have just started our seventh year at Hogwarts, and things, at least up until now, have been pretty much as usual. Harry, of course, started out cavorting with that insufferable Mudblood know-it-all and his faithful sidekick, Weasley. The fact that I’ve been catching myself watching him whenever he is even remotely within my path of vision, however, is not all that usual. Like right now. It would appear that his fan club really isn’t all that interested in him at the moment. This must be bothering him; all through dinner he’s been poking his food and looking not at all happy. Poor creature really is much prettier when he smiles. Wait a minute. Did I really just think that? Dear Lord, now I’m contemplating the beauty of my enemy! Which brings to mind another battle. Why do I hate him so badly? I know that most of my hatred stems from Lucius’ up bringing. I know it’s cheap, but that’s the way it has been growing up, being told the opposite from what I know to be right. And really, the other reasons I hate him are really nothing short of juvenile. Yet, how can I justify calling desire something deeper when there’s nothing to base it on? We don’t really even know each other. At least not as people. Getting to know him really isn’t an option and I know that. I guess I’ll just have to be content with watching him, then, won’t I? Perhaps it will fade... I hope.

“You’ll be working wi’ Harry today, Malfoy.” Hagrid always talks to me as though I am below average intelligence. The look on his face makes me realise that it was more of a threat. How that boy is loved! I suppose he does have amazing charm.

“Yes, I can see that.”

“If you need any help, Harry, let me know.” And off he goes to find Weasley and his girl.

We start pulling the goo off our Glumbumbles silently. I wonder what he’s thinking. He’s probably cursing his luck for getting stuck with me. And here I am thanking the powers that be that I got stuck with him. The silence is starting to get to me. I want more from him than just his presence.

“Trouble at home?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ahh, he’s a little on the defensive. I can’t say I blame him.

“Your sidekicks are rather miffed, huh?”

“What concern is it of yours?” At this point he turns, looking me directly in the face and when I look into his eyes, I am astonished at their depth. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. And that is without a doubt the case of Harry Potter. And what I’m seeing is stunning...

“I was just.... concerned. That’s all,” I answer, finding it impossible to not be totally honest and surprising myself in the process. Wait a minute. I was concerned for Harry sodding Potter? That is a bit shocking, isn’t it? Harry looked twice as shocked as I felt. “Oh, come on. Don’t look at me like that, it is not very becoming of you at all.” He closes his mouth, returning to the fuzzy little bug in front of him. All I can do is stare at him. He’s almost cute when he’s confused like that. Honestly, Draco! But it’s true. At this point, I suppose most of my shame has left me, given what I just said. And therefor, fuck it. Oh, dear. I think I’ve passed the point-of-no-return because he’s abruptly stopped and is now looking at me.

“What are you staring at?” he asks.

“You, obviously. Should I stop?”

“What are you playing at, Malfoy?” I ask cautiously.

“I’m not playing at anything. I was just answering your question. Why, do you think I would do something horrible to you if you said that you liked it?” he says without the usual biting edge. This is not the Draco Malfoy I know and hate. There is something very strange in the way that he’s talking and looking at me. And I’m finding it strangely refreshing.

“Actually....” I start but don’t finish. And much to my own shock, he actually looks almost hurt.

“Malfoy?” Harry says very quietly. I realize that I have totally misunderstood Harry from the very beginning. He was a far greater person than I to look at me the way he did. Had I been in his place before today, I might not have had the same reaction he is having at this very moment. Once again, I’m getting lost, staring into his eyes. I know how sappy this sounds, but the boy has something others simply don’t have.

“Get ready to go ter your next class,” Hagrid starts yelling. Damn it all!

“Draco, Harry. I’m sorry, I...” He’s just smiling that wonderful smile of his and I find myself returning it. We look at each other for a moment, and then he disappears, heading toward the castle. I’m completely frozen, watching him walk away. It’s funny how much you can learn about a person if you really make an effort. If you can call what I did making an effort. I did talk to him. Yes. And he talked back to me. And the strangest thing is that I’m actually looking forward for more.

What the hell? All of a sudden there’s this weight on top of me, and a hand on my mouth. Draco Malfoy is sitting on top of me in my bed. I’ve got to be dreaming. He is sitting there like some strange faerie, a small smile curling around the corners of his mouth. He is positively lovely when he isn’t sneering. And he is smiling at me!?! He lets go of my mouth and lays down next to me.

“Sorry to startle you, but I wanted to finish what I was trying to start this afternoon.”

“And what was it you were trying to start?” He smiles suggestively at me and it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I open my mouth, but he stops me from talking. He slides along me like water and catches my lower lip between his teeth. His right arm is wrapping around my waist while he uses his left to support himself as he looms over me. Before I even realize it, I have wrapped my arms around him and I find that I’m kissing him back. I feel so very comfortable in his arms and his kisses are igniting passions I have never experienced. He is like fire and water, the heat from his kisses and the way his body seems to flow with mine. Then he lets me slide away from him. I lay there, staring up at him, wondering what is going to happen now. He smiles slightly, and lays his head next to mine. His grey eyes are so much different than I have ever seen them before. There’s some kind of strange warmth and a fire I swear I have never before seen.

“Meet me by the dungeons tomorrow after Quidditch practice.” All I can do is nod a response, as my vocal cords seem to have shut down. “Harry, I know how this is really odd and all, but... Well, I guess I’m just an odd sort.” I laugh. That’s a hell of an understatement. He kisses me again and I never want him to stop. Unfortunately, he does.

“Don’t forget,” he says. I shake my head. There’s no possible way I could forget. He grins at me. He runs a hand very gently over my neck, making me shiver, and then he’s gone.

Even though I can’t wipe this grin off my face, all sorts of conflicts are coming to mind. The boy who had just stolen into my dorm to give me the most incredible kiss is the same boy who tried numerous times to get me expelled, and even killed. He torments my best friends on a regular basis. But he did apologize. And it was sincere. Even I can’t deny that. I wish I could. And I probably would have, had he not done what he just did. But what happens tomorrow? That truly frightens me. I still don’t yet fully trust him, though I want to so very desperately. I don’t want to think that he’s just trying to play me. But is it even possible for him to genuinely want me? He’s going to do something awful to me, most likely, and I’ll deserve it for being the stupid prat that I am, letting him do that to me. But he did it so well, and the way that he had looked at me... No, I should just let it be for tonight.

I had very odd dreams last night. Malfoy had me tied to my bed and was standing there smiling at me. He had a whip in his hand. Seamus’ voice came to me, loudly. “And here we have it, folks, our very own Harry Potter has submissed to Slytherin’s Draco Malfoy.” He was commentating at a time like this? (Leave it to Seamus.) Then there were Ron and Hermione, glaring at me and calling me a traitor. I woke with a start in the middle of the night. This was too weird. I lay there for a while before falling back to sleep.

Breakfast has become an adventure today. I am desperately trying not to jump around like Seamus, and it is becoming extremely difficult because Ron is giving me one of Hermione’s patented McGonagall looks.

“Why do you have that stupid grin on your face? What on Earth is wrong with you?” Ron’s starting to look less and less like Hermione, the more he looks at me. Apparently this mood is contagious. It is also quite apparent that the more he looks at me, the more he really just wants to laugh, too. Having Ron angry at me for some reason I don’t even know is starting to get to me. Maybe there’s a way I can fix it without spilling my own beans. So I start laughing at him, and he starts laughing at me. I’m so relieved that I won’t have to cover for myself and that Ron is actually laughing at me. Perhaps this ‘plan’ will work after all... I just laugh harder and harder and so does Ron. When we finally get ourselves under control, we realize that Hermione is staring at us looking absolutely shocked. We stare back at her. Now I’m starting to think that there was no reason that they were mad at me. Hermione’s generally not that petty. She starts giggling too. I look up and see Draco staring at me. I smile at him. The deathly fear I had this morning that I had been dreaming last night up returns. But now he’s smiling back at me; it’s okay. A sense of calm comes over me. It had been real, and it is still real. Which means that I’m two for two already. You do realize that you are completely out of your head, don’t you? This is Draco Malfoy. So I’m out of my head, so be it. I can’t help grinning at him and he’s actually blushing! I do have an odd sort of luck, you know?

I’ve been extremely looking forward to my meeting with Draco this evening, so I kind of rushed through the day. Even History of Magic was quite bearable. I had to keep myself in check to make sure that I was thorough at Quidditch practice. I didn’t want to finish it too early and make myself look too eager. As it has turned out, I’ve ended up hitting the showers fifteen minutes late. Great, Harry, he’s going to think you stood him up. Goodness! Am I developing a complex of some kind? I’m worried about impressing Draco Malfoy!

I can’t help practically running to the dungeons. As I approach, I slow down, not wanting to draw too much attention to myself. The Hall is pretty much deserted, but you never can tell. Oh, SHIT! I almost trip down the stairs when Draco grabs my arm before I take the first step. He pulls me into a dark corner. There isn’t much space for us to both stand and stay out of sight, so we’re forced to stand within inches of each other. Don’t get me wrong, it’s the very thing I’ve been wanting more than anything else lately. But it is so very hard to keep my hands to myself. I’m having to excersise an amazing amount of will power not to just grab him and pull him as close to me as I can.

“You’re late.” No malice in his voice. His voice is like I have never heard it before. It is sweet and gentle and it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. His tone itself almost makes me moan in pleasure, but I retain my composure.

“I’m sorry, I lost track of time.”

“No need for apologies.”

He’s just staring at me, looking very like the faerie that had pinned me down last night. He is positively stunning. Why did I never see what a pretty creature he is before now? Perhaps people seem less physically attractive when they’ve got lousy personalities. His grey eyes hold my gaze through his wispy hair. I can’t help myself. I find that I am running my hands up his arms to hold his face as I kiss him. He put his hands on my hips and teases me with his tongue. He licks my lip, and I can’t help but smile. I feel him return it and then we continue to make love with our mouths. He has the sweetest mouth I have ever tasted. And the way he’s holding me to him. I groan out loud and he grins at me. He is playing with me in the sweetest way. Truth be known, I love it. Who wouldn’t? Draco is gorgeous, from his hair to his eyes to his stomach to his legs to his feet. I’ve got the hottest guy in school’s tongue in my mouth. And ohh isn’t it wonderful! As I move my hands down his neck, his chest, and pull him closer so I can wrap my hands around his back, he runs his tongue along my jaw to chew on my ear, causing me to shiver and press harder against him. This time it’s his turn to gasp.

A few girls who were walking across the hall have stopped and are standing just a few feet away, giggling. I pin Draco to the wall and try to hide his face better. We really should have been more discreet, only being hidden by a shadow. He has frozen and pulled me closer to him. I turn back to kissing him. What better way to hide his face? The girls continue on their way, giggling the whole time.

“Why did you do that?” he asks me rather breathlessly.

“Do what?”

“Hide me.”

“I don’t know. I guess I just kind of figure that it wouldn’t be too good for you if your father were to find out that you were making out with Harry Potter in the halls at school.” I tell him.

“That’s for certain. Thanks, Harry.” And he slides his tongue between my lips to play with mine. All too soon, he’s stopped and gently pushes me away.

“What’s the matter?” I ask. He has a very silly grin on his face.

“Nothing’s the matter. I just...” He’s staring at his feet. Were we to be in any other situation right now, I might think that he was embarrassed about what just happened. “Well, I just don’t think that it would be very noble of me to try and seduce you right off the bat, you know?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I was going to seduce you. Now I am changing my mind.”

“Why?”

“You do realize that not thirty six hours ago we hated each other, right? Well, you hated me, not that I blame you, not at all. But it’s a bit rash, don’t you think, to go from fighting to loving so suddenly?” states the faerie standing across from me. He’s smiling while he’s telling me this, so I guess that does mean that he still wants me. I nod and he continues, “Believe me, Harry, there’s nothing that I want more than to get into your pants. But perhaps prerequisites might not be such a bad idea.”

“Yes, you’re right,” I sigh. A new thought has just occurred to me.

“Are you saying that you want to get to know me?”

He blushes. “Well, yes, that was what I was getting at.”

“Why, Draco, I’m flattered!”

“Oh, come on, I’m not as shallow as I make myself out to be.” Smiling seductively, he leans in to kiss me again. “Besides, I just can’t believe that you’re that shallow, either.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well,” he starts, forehead wrinkling in thought, “it just doesn’t fit, you know? The Boy Who Lived being a vacuous, horny little beast doesn’t sound quite right, you know?”

Now I can’t help but laugh. Never have I ever thought of myself in terms such as those. Not to say that I’ve never defined myself as a vacuous, horny little beast, but never in that string before. And not preceded by ‘Boy Who Lived’. “You know, we’ve all got the same kind of human needs, and being the Boy Who Lived does not mean that I am an exception to the rule.”

“Are you saying that you are merely a horny little beast?”

“No no no. All I’m saying is that there is nothing wrong with being such.”

“So long as that doesn’t happen to be all the time,” he finishes for me. “I’m getting rather sick and tired of there being nothing to the relationships I have with people outside of the want to get me in the sack.”

“Are you saying that you actually want me, then?”

“Wasn’t that clear?” His forehead wrinkles in an unconscious expression of confusion. He really is undeniably gorgeous.

Laughing, “Yes, actually, that was quite clear. I was merely being facetious,” forces that look off his face.

“All right, then. I shall have to keep in mind what a sarcastic git you can be from now on. But seriously, Harry, I don’t want you to think that I’m just after your body. I want to be proper and-”

“As I have already told you, Draco, I would love that, and you really needn’t panic any further. Actually, I’m kind of in the same boat you are. God only knows how many people gave up on me when they finally figured out they weren’t going to get into my pants,” I find myself unintentionally confessing. Honestly, had he gone along with his original plan, I would have ended up turning him down. Although, it would have taken absolutely all of my willpower to stick to my guns... That’s beside the point. But telling him that I’m still a virgin wasn’t my intention, either. “Not that I mean...” Fuck. Nice. That was really smooth, Harry. Why don’t you just say it flat out? Confirm it. Give him some more ammunition to use against you.

If I don’t die from the shock that I am feeling at this moment for the kind smile that has infiltrated his eyes as well as his face I can survive anything. “Harry, it’s all right. Please say something, you’re starting to scare me.”

“Sorry.”

“I guess I can’t really expect you to trust me, but please give me the benefit of the doubt. I promise I won’t hurt you.”

What else can I do? “I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it, then.”

“Go to bed, Harry, and get some sleep. You look like you just had a heart attack.”

“I think I may have,” I mutter. I certainly feel like I just had a sodding heart attack. I’ve really got to quit working myself up like that. Panic attacks generally don’t win over a potential date, you know. But Draco isn’t just any potential date. That’s Draco sodding Malfoy, for god’s sake! It isn’t possible for me to keep cool in his presence with the amount of adrenaline that pumps through my veins. Perhaps I should worry less about impressing him and focus on just keeping in control if I plan on pursuing this. “Sorry, Draco.”

Waving his hand in a gesture similar to brushing away a fly, he dismisses my apology. “Just go to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Another quick kiss and we are both heading off to our respective dorms.

Admittedly, that panic attack he had didn’t come as even remotely surprising. Ever since his little interlude with Voldemort that resulted in Cedric Diggory’s death, Harry has been prone to panicking at the drop of a hat. Poor thing, really. As loath as I am to pity anyone, I can’t help but feel sorry for the boy. I know what it’s like to not be able to control my own body’s reaction to too-intense emotions. Periodically, I still have panic attacks. Memories of Lord Voldemort *said sarcastically* and the things he made me do and did to me tend to bring out the scared child in me. Some things will never change, I’m afraid.

Forfeiting my original plan wasn’t my intention. Somewhere along the way I realised that Harry could never be just a quick lay, even if that was what we ended up doing. Much as I hate to admit my own humanity, I finally want something real. There was not a single lie in all that I told Harry and I felt totally comfortable with it. That in itself shocked the hell out of me. We all have to grow up sometime, I suppose. But with that honesty and the level of comfort that accompanied it, I realised what it is that I want from Harry. Perhaps that is why I insisted upon being such an insufferable ass to him for so long. He’s the kind of creature who gets under one’s skin without even noticing until it’s far too late to go back. In a way, his naiveté is part of his charm. Watching him has led me to know his behaviour, but up until now, I never would have been able to handle knowing the ‘whys’ behind it. Strange. I guess I am growing up, eh?

“Hi there,” he says, being the cheerful little git I can’t stand. “Sorry to startle you, apparently you weren’t expecting me?” I shake my head. To say that I was not expecting him would be a gross understatement. Why the hell am I not angry, when that irritating little Seamus is sitting on me? He just has this face that keeps you from being angry at him. His hand is still over my mouth and I have just realized that he is pinning my arms with his knees. Little Seamus Finnegan has me pinned to my bed! The thought makes me smile, and kind of turns me on. A grin breaks out over his face. “I think maybe I should explain myself.” I nod. If I could talk, I would certainly demand an explanation. “I saw Harry kiss you in Potions today. I thought to myself, ‘That is a hell of a thing to be witnessing, Seamus.’ And then I decided that I would rather be a participating party instead of just a witness, get my drift?” Again I nod. “Wonderful. Now I haven’t approached Harry yet, I thought I’d tackle you first, no pun intended. Harry seems to be a lot easier than you are. Not that I’m speaking ill of Harry, no no no. All I mean is that I know Harry better than I know you, that being because we live in the same dorm and all.” I nod. This all sounds pretty legitimate to me, although I am having to focus rather hard to catch everything he’s saying, he’s talking so fast. “So let me ask you a question, Draco.” And he abruptly stops talking. I nod for him to go ahead. “Did you like what I was doing to you?” He grins and removes his hand from my mouth. “Sorry about that, love.”

“It’s all right, I just like to breathe, that’s all. But yes, I did like what you were doing to me.”

“Sorry, I forgot about it.”

“What you were doing to me?”

“What were we talking about?” He looks rather confused for a moment, then, “No, I would like to continue if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all, but would you please let go of my arms, my hands are falling asleep.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.”

I think I’m starting to get the feel for conversation with Seamus. You just have to think as scatterbrained as him. Whoa! My thoughts are interrupted by his tongue in my mouth and his hand down my pants. Wait a minute. I don’t have any pants on. How the fuck? How long has he been here? Did I really sleep through that? It doesn’t really matter, I’m awake for this. I can’t stifle a moan. He’s got some serious talent in the art of kissing, not to mention his skills with his hand. He must practice a lot. He has stopped and sits up. It’s almost as though he’s remembered something when he takes his robe off and oh my god, does he have a gorgeous body! His figure is almost girlish, with his chest and angular hips being wider than his waist. That stomach is to die for, it’s so flat and built. To look at him with his robes on, he’s really nothing extraordinary. Not really. Of course his face is drop-dead gorgeous, but.. He’s joined me under my blanket and is now running his tongue over my neck, making me shiver. God, he’s good at this. I want to return the favour but he won’t let me. He pushes me back and sits on top of me again.

“Please just let me worship you, I’ve been wanting to do this for sooo long,” he mutters in-between kisses.

“Worship me?”

“Would you prefer I find another word for it?”

“No, I like the sound of that just fine. But back up for a second.” He looks rather frustrated with me. As much as I really can’t wait to get back to that, there are other things on my mind at the moment. “Are you telling me that you snuck into my dormitory at *checks clock* two o’clock in the morning so that you could, as you put it, worship me?”

“Bright boy, you are!”

“Seamus, I can’t do this.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“I don’t believe you,” he coos, lightly running a hand over my length and making me moan.

“So I can; that doesn’t mean *groans* I should.”

“Please, Draco,” he whines as he licks my neck.

Damn it! Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit! I should say no. I should make him stop. I should never have let him get this far. But I want it so bad that it hurts. I want him so bad that it hurts. Two months now and Harry hasn’t even let me go down on him. He’d be disappointed in me if he knew how weak I am. But hey, we’re all human, I’m a guy, what other excuses should I dream up to justify this? Oh, the hell with excuses. The hell with justification. I can beat myself up in the morning for this.

“Damn it, Seamus.” Flipping him so he’s now on his back, I take control. While I do kind of like being served in that not-quite-demeaning way, I want to be on top. My father joked and called it the alpha male syndrome when I was a child, describing the Malfoy attitude. As loath as I am to admit that I’m just as much a Malfoy as he is, there are some arenas in which that is a virtual impossibility. Take now for example. Any other decent human being might have just said, ‘Sorry, love, I’m attached.' But, as others are so fond of pointing out, I am not a very decent human being. At least, not when it comes to lanky little Irish boys who sneak into one’s bed in the middle of the night. If anyone can refuse this kid they have got to be a eunuch. Or just plain psychotic. “Going to argue?”

“With you? While you’re on top of me? Surely you are in jest!”

“Wise decision on your part.” He may have instigated it, but damned if he’s going to just let me lay there. My hands clamp around his wrists, holding him immobile. The little imp’s going to get a bit of what he gave. He’s just lying there, grinning at me. That is one of the sexiest mouths I have ever seen in my life. Aside from- NO! I am NOT going there! I am going to enjoy this, damnit, if it’s the last thing I do.

Wriggling his hips, he brings my attention back to where it should be. Taking his mouth in mine, I slip my tongue between his parted lips. Ohh, he’s got such a sweet mouth. I’ll bet he gives great head. Perhaps I might find out... Later. He can make this about me later. Right now, I want to make this about him. How many times in one’s life can one expect to wake up naked and being straddled by Seamus Finnegan? That’s what I thought. I move my mouth to his neck, lapping at the white skin which has a very unique raspberry and salt flavour. He starts to quake when I lick at the little bit of skin behind his earlobe. Ah, so I’ve found a sensitive spot, have I? How many of those can I find in a single night? The base of his neck, right under the collar bone; the tender inside of his arm; the place where hip meets pelvis... Not very extraordinary, but then I really haven’t looked for too many. Maybe if I had more time... Rushed encounters are always rather unfulfilling, but I could spend days just exploring him with my tongue.

“Oh, God...” he moans as I drag my tongue over his puckered opening. I’ve let go of his hands, which are now tangling themselves in my hair. My hands are cupping his ass and pulling it apart for better access. Spreading his legs farther apart, he’s just begging me to take him. And god but I don’t really need that invitation. He’s biting his lip to keep from crying out. I love driving my lovers to the point where they have to eat themselves alive to keep from screaming my name. “Draco *gasp* pleeeassse...” he moans, making me grin.

Hauling myself to his level, I kiss him fiercely as I shove inside of him. We’ve both stopped breathing. God... He’s so tight and hot I might spend myself too quickly if I’m not careful. I need better leverage here... I wrap one arm around his back to hold his neck while I use the other to hold his hip. Ohh, his arms around my neck feel so wonderful. Everything about him feels wonderful. Like his legs, which are amazingly strong, that have wrapped themselves around my waist, forcing me deeper into him. Holding him still, I pull back so slowly it’s almost painful. The groan that comes from deep within his throat seems to illustrate just how painful it is. When I’m almost completely out of him, I thrust back in, causing him to choke on the breath he was attempting to inhale. Hitting a sensitive spot, he arches his back. Just moving my hips brings him to a new level of arousal at which he can only gasp and moan.

The expression on his face is kind of odd. When I first woke up, he had something like playful-slut all over his face. He had that up until... hell just a moment ago when I looked down to see something like serenity smoothing his features and making him look very peaceful. I’ve stopped moving. Such beauty needs a moment all its own to be fully appreciated. He’s so pale in the moonlight, the flush of fucking in his cheeks the only thing making him look alive. The red- gold of his hair is a stark contrast to his skin but it adds to his personal beauty. Lust has darkened his eyes through his half-open lids. He stares up at me through his long lashes, making him look that much more desirable. Moving my hand from his hip, I brush away a lock of hair that has fallen in his face. What am I doing? How could I use such a pretty thing?

My hand is stroking his cheek. Instead of looking irritated, like he should, he just tilts his face into the caress, closing his eyes. He sighs contentedly. Have I made him happy? Have I pleased him? His lips are curled a bit into a smile. Tilting my head down, I kiss him gently. He opens his mouth to accept my tongue and nudges me into action once more. That punishing rhythm we started off with won’t do. This time I am slow and gentle and oh god, he feels so good. Some creatures are too lovely to fuck. Some creatures were created to make love to.

Changing the position, I lean back, putting some distance between us. He stares at me as he lays his hands on top of mine. Mine are grasping his hips, pulling him closer as I push back into him. I like this. I like this way more than I should. I like the way he looks at me with pleading eyes when I pull out of him. I like the way he looks at me when I push back into him. I like the way he moans and gasps and chants my name. Picking up the pace, I wrap my hand around his erection. Another moan issues from his throat. God, I want to make him scream. I want to make him scream like nothing I have ever wanted before. I want to make him come harder than he has ever come before. I want him to feel better than he has ever felt in his entire life.

“Harder,” he gasps in little more than a whisper. “Please, Draco, harder.”

If it’s ‘harder’ he wants, then it’s ‘harder’ he shall get. He could tell me to do anything right now and I would do it. It scares me how out of control I am. The heat of passion makes me think in a way I don’t often think in. It makes me submiss, though I’m not sure that my partner knows that. Dominance and submission are funny subjects, especially when it comes to lovemaking. I may play it off like I am the one in control, but I can assure you that my mind is not aware of it. I am totally at his disposal. Thus, I am submissive. And I rather like it. I don’t have to be in control, I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to be untouchable or arrogant or superior. I don’t have to be above basic human needs and, more significantly, wants.

Fulfilling my objective is more rewarding than I thought it would be. I thrust into him one last time as my finger lightly caresses the slitted head of his hardness, making him spill onto his stomach and into my hand. He screams my name as he arches up into my body. Watching him come around me is enough to send me over the edge. I collapse on top of him, unable to hold my own weight. His arms are snaked around my back as he pulls me up for a kiss. A few moments later and he is relaxed enough for me to pull out of him. He groans a bit before pulling me closer to him.

Weakness defines me at this moment. I’ve put my patience for Harry aside, against my better judgment, and used this pretty little thing for my own pleasure. Using people generally doesn’t bother me. Everyone’s got their use, myself included. It’s not as though I’ve never been used before. Hell, even Seamus came here to use me, now that I think about it. But now he’s got his arms around me and he has buried his face in my neck. Now I’m all sorts of confused. From the time that I woke up to find him straddling me to now be lying in his arms... How did that happen?

“Seamus?”

“Hmm?” He sounds like he’s falling asleep. I sit up and he opens his eyes. “What’s the matter, love?” he asks very sweetly with a smile on his face.

“What do you want from me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what do you want from me? You came in here wanting to fuck me.”

“And I did.”

“So why are you still here?”

“Does that mean you want me to leave?” That is a very good question. No, I don’t really want him to leave. It feels nice to hold someone and be held the same. But he’s not Harry. “Draco?”

“Hmm?”

“You don’t have to lie to me.” He speaks so matter-of-factly that I can’t help but want to tell him the truth. But what do I say? I can’t tell him that it’s Harry I want and always have wanted and that he’s second best. But the worst part is that he’s not second best. I want Harry as fiercely as I ever did; only now I want Seamus, too.

Crawling into his arms is the only thing I want to do. He’s lying there looking so perfect with his arms open. Resisting temptation is no longer an option at this point, so what could I possibly have to lose by giving in again? His hold tightens around me as I bury my face in his neck. He’s so warm and soft that I just can’t believe that it’s wrong. “No, I don’t want you to leave.”

“You’re having a hard time, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

That sounds so cheesy and typical. But I don’t think that this really could be the typical after sex discussion. That ship has long since sailed for me. “Why are you still here?”

“Because I’m just as lonely as you are.”

Lonely. What an odd concept. That I could be lonely isn’t such an odd concept, it’s just that I shouldn’t be. Harry should be enough, you know. And for the most part he is. Except for times like these when he’s not here and won’t be here because he’s afraid of my touch. Or whatever. Does it really matter why? He just doesn’t know what he wants, perhaps. But it doesn’t help that I still feel alone when I fall asleep. We all like to believe we’re above all that material bullshit. That is also supposed to include physical expressions of love. Do I love Seamus? Not really, no. Do I love Harry? Without a doubt. So why isn’t the answer that simple? I wish I knew. All I do know is that there is a gorgeous boy beneath me who’s holding me to him in a way that Harry never has. He’s holding me. God, I’m such a sodding simpleton sometimes, it’s revolting. I hate making what I’m feeling sound all fluffy when it’s hard as stone, you know? Everything that I am feeling is very solid and very real and there’s nothing very sweet about it. I love the feeling of being in someone else’s arms, and right now there is no one I would rather be with. That may sound cute, but it’s not. Because it’s too real to be cute. I’m not all swooning over this boy. And he’s not lying here batting his eyelashes at me. Or whatever. What I am feeling is very honest and very raw and very painful to admit.

“You’re wishing you hadn’t done that, aren’t you?” he whispers into my ear.

“No. I’m not.” I should feel guilty about what I did. I almost want to feel guilty. But I can’t. This is just too pure to trivialise with guilt. “I don’t regret anything.”

“I’m sorry, Draco.”

Now he’s apologising? I look up, forcing him to make eye contact with me. “What the hell are you sorry for?”

“I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have crossed that line. Harry’s my friend...”

“Then why did you?”

Taking his time with that answer, he wrinkles his forehead in concentration. “Because I’m selfish and I want too much.”

I laugh. “So you are human. How does it feel?”

A wane smile curls his lips as he replies, “Good. I just don’t like the idea of hurting my friend in the process.”

“You think I haven’t been thinking the same thing?”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t see how I could avoid it. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t want to avoid it. I’ve kept enough secrets in my time and I don’t want to lie to the one I love.”

A very odd emotion flashes through his eyes. “So where does that leave us?”

Us, eh? I didn’t know there was an ‘us’. I don’t think he was trying to be presumptuous in asking that question, though I don’t know what he might mean by that. “Why did you come to me? There’s a ton of other people who would kill to love you, and you know it.”

“Is that so?”

“Oh, come on, you think you can fool me?”

“No, I’m not trying to fool you. I guess I just wanted... too much.”

“You keep saying that. We all want too much, Seamus, it comes with being human.”

“But is it right to want to be with more than one person at a time?”

Funny he should ask that question. That’s the same question I have been asking myself for the last... when did he get here? “I can’t answer that question. I’ve been asking myself that same thing since you woke me up. I was hoping maybe you’d just tell me that I’m sick and get disgusted and leave so that I wouldn’t have to answer that.”

Now he laughs. “I see that the problem is mutual.”

“Well, just because it’s unconventional doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Does it? Take what we just did for example.”

“You mean shagging the hell out of each other?”

“Yes, that would be what I was getting at. Do you realise how many people are, at this very moment in fact, trying to get laws passed that prohibit people like you and me from adopting children, getting married, getting equal benefits from their places of employment for themselves and their partners? It’s ludicrous! We’re not worth any less than they are just because we prefer to take people that are the same gender as we are to bed. Who really gives a fuck what you or I do when the lights go out? No one, that’s who. But that doesn’t stop them from trying to take away our basic human rights. And the same goes for those who find happiness with more than one person. They call it kinky, they call it sick, they call it unnatural. Well, FUCK them.”

Seamus is grinning at me. “That was a hell of a statement, Mr. Malfoy. Now tell me how you really feel.”

“Shut up,” I laugh at him.

Pushing me onto my back, he once again straddles me. “So, are you saying, then, that you wouldn’t mind me jumping you for a second time?”

“Hm. Gee, let me think...”

“That’s what I thought.”

But how long can I use that excuse before I have to admit what’s really on my mind? There are so many out there that seem to love to write me off as a sweet, delicate, and naïve individual. In a lot of ways, I am, but then aren’t we all? I’m no more naïve than anyone else around me.

Innocent is another word often associated with my name and it’s the one word that I understand the least. How the hell could I be innocent when I slept in a sodding cupboard under my aunt and uncle’s staircase until I was eleven years old only to find out that I’d been lied to all my life? Then I find out I’m a part of a world that I never knew existed where I’m some kind of hero and they can’t figure out that in learning that the worst wizard of all time is out for my blood that I could never be pure again. And then I’m supposed to be all clean of the world’s ashes when I’m smothered with them every day when I walk down the hall and see those people looking at me as though silently thanking me for taking the monster from their nightmares. In some sick and twisted way I almost wish that Voldemort had overtaken me when it had come down to the last. But that’s selfish and I can’t afford to be motivated by selfishness.

Selfishness has motivated too many things that I’ve done. It was selfishness that led me to doing Voldemort in at the end anyway. But there weren’t strong enough prisons to hold him, either, so what else could I do? I sat and watched him wither and crumble to dust before my very eyes, thinking all the while that I wanted to go down with him because maybe then I wouldn’t have to face the Rita Skeeters and Parvati Patils of the world. I wouldn’t have to face Ron everyday, knowing that he envies me my life. It sickens me to think that someone would want this. So I took another selfish step and tried to snuff it myself. That didn’t work, clearly, though I still feel nothing about what I did. I hurt Ron and Hermione and countless others I’m sure. But I still don’t care.

This aversion to intimacy is really quite simple. I have no fear of getting hurt because really, what’s one more scar? Besides, being rejected by Draco Malfoy is the least of what could possibly happen. Like everything in my life, I fear that it will never be enough. Like everything in my life, I fear that intimacy on any level with anyone would fall just short of what I imagine it to be. Nothing is ever good enough and I am afraid that that will carry on into the Next Great Adventure of Harry Potter. I don’t want to demand too much from Draco when I know that he’s already done everything he can think of to put me at ease. But it’s still not enough and I can’t risk getting more involved than I already am, you know. I would prefer to just live my life out all alone and without demanding a damn thing from anyone.

So when Seamus comes to my bed one night like he always does and tries to rationalize his position, what do I do? Do I just tell him the same thing I always tell him and say that I’m just not ready yet when that sounds so obviously not like me at all? I just don’t like telling just anyone what it’s like to be me. It’s not so easy a task when there really aren’t words to articulate it without sounding melodramatic. ‘Lost’ is one of those melodramatic words that seems to explain so much but never in the tone that I mean it. ‘Alone’ works, but is also pathetic. Everyone’s alone, love, just get used to it; it’s the way of the world. ‘Tired’ is a word I use to describe my entire person, not just my body. I feel kind of used up and worn out because I can’t even stand myself anymore. How am I supposed to tell this to Seamus fucking Finnegan, when he’s so distracted and weird as it is? How the hell could he possibly understand?

Draco simply isn’t an option at this point. Were I to explain to him where I am coming from he would probably just laugh at me and move right along. I know I’m weak; I just don’t want him to know that. There is still some part of him that I know loves to taunt me and play upon my sore spots. He’s just hidden it over the last few weeks. Perhaps Draco, like myself, is growing up as well. Seamus is not, I fear, though I can’t help but wonder where his motives are coming from. Or even what those motives are, I couldn’t rightly say.

Speculation and fantasy are all fine and good until that is what one bases their reality on. I can get so lost in my own bullshit that I sometimes forget where I am or what I am doing or what is going on around me. I create all these answers to questions that I haven’t even asked yet in the hopes that I’ll figure it out someday. Someday best come soon, or I can’t guarantee I’ll survive. Or perhaps I merely need to stop dwelling on the past and get along with life. Like everyone else does.

For the most part, getting on is not a concern. I do what I have to do like everyone else in the world does. If I don’t think about it, then it’s not that hard. I don’t think about my dead parents or my horrid Muggle family or my friends that don’t really understand me or the boy that I would love to love but fear at the same time. One more day has gone by and many more will follow. So long as I just don’t think about it, I’m fine. Hmm. I wonder if there’s a memory charm I could perform on myself to make me forget who I am. No, that would be too simple a solution. And as we all know, there are no simple solutions.




So, what do you think? Better than the original? Still lacking? Tell me, tell me, tell me, I NEED feedback. Do I just abort this mission, or would you like to see how it plays out? (Not that you really have a choice, I’m already working on part 2.) Tell me what you want and what I am missing, please. Thanks, lovies! Cheers!