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By dana-chan
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and it's world is not a creation of my own -- that feat goes to JKR.
There come those times in my life when I imagine I have to be drugged, or at least seriously out of character. Otherwise, why would I be here right now? This is a big risk, and I know it... "You came," a voice calls from the darkness, and I turn to see the glint of glass in the moonlight, and James Potter's deep blue eyes gazing at me. "I had nothing else better to do," I reply with a shrug of my shoulders. James bites at his lip, then motions for me to come closer. "Severus Snape, can you keep a secret?" He must be joking -- he must be more out of it than I had otherwise imagined... but right now, in the moonlight, I could forgive him that, and steal a kiss the way I did before... I'm already one of Sirius Black's most hated people. Do I have to go on his shit-list again? "What is it?" I snap. "We need to talk." He replies, almost timidly -- something is definitely wrong. I shouldn't have done this -- Severus is never going to agree to this. "What do we need to talk about?" he asks. I'm almost taken aback. I have to find my voice again. "Um, well... We'll be graduating in a week, and I... I think we need to settle things, Severus. Before... before we leave." "Settle things?" he asks, one eyebrow lifting in question. "Yes, "things". Severus... in a week..." I fumble for words. "In a week, James Potter," he says, his voice mildly cold, "you'll be leaving Hogwarts forever. And I... you'll be leaving me, too." For a moment I think he doesn't understand -- and then it hits me. "Yes, I'll be leaving you. Severus... I..." I swallow my words. "We need to talk, some place private. Will you follow me?" His dark eyes issue me challenge after challenge -- I know how you feel, Severus. I'm not stupid enough to think nothing of that kiss... "Very well. Lead the way, James Potter." I feel relief wash through my system. I must truly be insane. "Come closer," says James, and I do. "What's that?" I ask, curious. He shifts fabric and grins in the moonlight. "My Cloak of Invisibilty." He replies nonchalanty. I raise my gaze heavenward. "I see how you managed to get into so much trouble over the years." And he smiles. "Part of it was pure ingenuity -- are you sure you trust me, Severus?" I start at the innocence of that question -- I suddenly feel like an ancient man compared to this seventeen year old youth. "I do." I reply, with much deliberation behind my words. More than you can imagine, James. "I do." He pulls the cloak about us both, and we head from the school, across the grounds. "Where are we going?" "The Whomping Willow." "I --" "Don't overreact, Severus. It's a safe place, and I won't let you be hurt." "James, you're the only reason I'm not dead, you know." "I know," he replies in a quiet voice. "I couldn't let... Sirius..." James sighs. "He thought you wanted to corrupt me." "Oh," and I reply with a grin, "but I do." We reach the willow, and James is silent, disabling it. "I should rephrase that," and he lets the cloak fall as he gazes at me, "he thought you wanted to corrupt me against my will." I stare, my mouth hanging open loosely. "I..." My voice sounds strange and strangled. James smiles and beckons for me to follow him into the passage beneath the willow. "Follow me, Severus." And I do. The silence is... rather comforting. I close the door to the passage, and then turn to face Severus -- the darkness is inky. "Lumos." His dark features are illuminated in the passage. "Come on, it's not much further." "All right." Silence falls again, except for the sound of breathing and our footsteps, as we walk through the passage. James Potter, I tell myself, you're going insane. There's nothing here that can lose, I tell myself. I'm going to graduate -- I'm going to marry Lily. I can't just... I can't just abandon him. He has to know? He has to know. We reach the cottage that Remus spends time at each month, and I clear my throat. "It's not much, but..." Severus nods, and takes a seat, as I light a lamp with a tap of my wand. "So..." "So?" "Um." "I thought you had something to tell me." He replies, his voice emotionless. I cringe. "Severus, I do have something to tell you." "Then what is it?" he snaps. "I'm," I lower my gaze to stare at my hands, wringing them together in my lap, "I'm going to graduate and marry Lily." "I know," he replies in that same iced tone, "everyone knows that she loves you." "I love her too, Severus," I reply, my tone somewhat hurt. "It's just..." "It's just?" "Severus... that day you kissed me..." "That day that Sirius tried to have me killed?" I cringe again. "I can't just leave you, Severus." "Then what do you want from me?" I look up. "I want to know how I feel." "Well," he replies quickly, irritated, "what do you feel?" "I... I don't know." He sighs. "I should have seen that coming. Now, James, as much as I'd love to chat here with you all night, you're wasting my time... I want to go back to school." I shake my head, clinging to my wand. "No. We're talking this out, Severus." "There's nothing left to talk about," he snaps, standing. I rise as well. "Yes," I say, "there is. Ligatio. (1)" Suddenly, he's tied to the chair that he had been sitting at, from rope that had been piled at the door. "Why you --" I sit back down. "You aren't going anywhere, Severus Snape. Not until we've settled our feelings." I glare at him -- I've lusted / wanted / felt something for him since day one, and this is how he repays me? "I could have you expelled." I say darkly. "But you won't." "And why do you say that?" I snap. "Because you wouldn't. That's all." "Dammit, Potter, what is wrong with you?" I glower in his direction. "I want to settle this, Severus. I told you that before." "Well, you know where I stand," I say, struggling with the bonds, "so I suppose it's your turn." He's quiet. "I don't know where I stand." "Then we're going to be here all night." "Don't you care?" he sighs. "About you, yes, the situation, no." "Oh, Severus... it's just..." he drops his wand and buries his face in his hands. "I know I love Lily, and you confuse me..." I blink, honestly intrigued. "I confuse you?" "Sirius though you were out to corrupt me -- I already told you, it wouldn't have been against my will..." He gazes at me, as I speak, through slits between his fingers. "So you want me to believe that you liked that kiss? That you wanted it?" "I haven't not thought about you since that day, Severus." "That was three years ago, James Potter." I reply, astonished. "I know, Severus Snape -- it was a rather impressive kiss. My first." "You mean I stole your first kiss away from Lily?" He laughs. "Don't look so surprised -- you don't have to hide how that makes you feel." "Well," I reply smugly, "I must admit that, knowing that, it does make it all the more sweet... but, truly, Potter..." "I could love you, you know." I start at that. "James, you're marrying Lily. You can't love me." "There isn't a rule that says that, you know. "Yes," I reply, "there is." "I've never heard it," he replies, looking away from me. "I know -- I just made it up." I stare at Severus, my gaze locked on his own. "Very well. It won't change my mind." "James Potter, get your head out of the clouds..." he sounds nearly frantic, now. "You love Lily Evans -- she's going to be Lily Potter. Doesn't that say anything?" "It says that I'm doing what society wants me to do, Severus Snape. If I could give it all up, I'd stay with you." "They'd hate you." he replies, and I know that he is speaking of Sirius, Peter, Remus, and Lily. "They'd hate you. And... Potter... You know..." "I do, Severus. The Dark Mark -- you... I know where you stand on that, Severus. And I know you won't ever turn your back on me." "I could be lying." "But you're not -- I know you're not." "How can you trust me?" he asks. "I just do." "But..." "Ever heard that love is blind?" I ask, quietly. Severus cringes. "You can't be serious." He replies, his voice and gaze lost. "But I am." And slowly, I rise, picking my wand back up. "I love you, Severus Snape -- so what do you have to say?" He stares at me, his gaze serious, and I lift my wand. "Solvo." The bonds fall away, and he is free. "You can answer me if you wish," I say, "leave, do whatever you want -- but I want an answer before you do." I stare at the Gryffindor that I've wanted since day one -- the low light from the magical lantern lights his blue eyes in a near mysterious way. He's offering himself -- and I know that he is -- a night that we'll both have, forever... I do the only thing any sane man who's been in love for practically seven years... I go to him, and gather him up in my arms. He has lips that taste like cotton candy -- just as easy to devour... "I'll take that as you don't want to leave," he replies, breathless, and I kiss him again -- he returns the kiss with equal passion. "I'm going to lose you." I whisper, between kisses. "You'll always have this night. We need it." "But tomorrow..." And I kiss him again, and he rubs closer against me -- the fabric of our robes doesn't give much protection at all. "Oh God, James, I couldn't do this and then..." "Severus, please." That's all that he has to say -- I can hear the longing in his voice. And something else. Something that can only be called "love". We stay in that cottage until after dawn, spent from the night before. I wake with a start -- there's a warm body beside me -- everything slowly comes into view. "Severus." My voice croaks. His eyes open slowly. "James." "I love you." "I know." He closes his eyes, and sits up as he pulls me against him. I can hear his heart beating. I needed this -- I needed to give this to him... "I won't ever forget tonight," I say, closing my eyes. "Nor will I... at least, not my heart." There's a quiet seriousness in his voice, and I pull away to gaze at him. "Severus..." "James, I can't live like this -- the rest of my life, knowing what I had, and had to give up..." "Severus..." I'm almost afraid. He pulls away, and drops my clothing into my hands. He dresses, and it takes me a moment to follow his example. "Severus..." He turns to me, and passes my wand to me. "Take it away, James Potter. I can't live like this." I swallow the emotion in my voice. "You can't be serious." "I can't -- James, you know I'm not a sharing person. Do you want me to resent you for the rest of my life, knowing that I let you walk away? I can't... I can't live knowing this, James. I can't." I blink away tears -- I can tell that Severus is shaken, and I nod and then close my eyes. "Very well," I reply, and I feel sick to my stomach, "but not here." He follows me from the cottage -- he follows me back to the willow -- onto the school grounds. The morning light streams down upon us, as I turn to him. "Are you ready?" I ask. He nods. I lift my wand, my hand shaking. "Good bye, Severus. I love you." He closes his eyes. "I love you too." "Obliviate." I reply, before my will is broken. He doesn't resist -- his face goes lax -- I rearrange the memories of the night before, taking out what he can't live to remember. What we've done -- what he can't know that I felt... everything that will let him live his life alone. "I won't forget this, Severus Snape. I won't forget you." I return to the school -- we're both going to have much to talk about, but right now, all I can feel is the numb of what I've left behind...
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