Gongaga Yaoi: Review

For Majo no Takkyubin: See Kiki's Delivery Service
For Makai Tenshou: See Ninja Resurrection
For Makai Toshi: Shinjuku: See Demon City Shinjuku
For Megami Kyouju: See Legend of the Wolf Woman
For Mimi wo Sumaseba: See Whispers of the Heart
For Miyu: See Vampire Princess Miyu
For Moso Dairinin: See Paranoia Agent
For My Pico: See Boku no Pico
For Mysterious Play: See Fushigi Yuugi
For Nekonron Dai-Kessen!...: See Ranma½, First Movie
For New Getter Robo: See Getter Robo
For Nikutai Teni: See Body Transfer
For Nikuyoku Gangu Takuhainin: See Living Sex Toy Delivery
For Now and Then, Here and There: See Ima, Sokoni Iru Boku
For Oedo: See Cyber City Oedo 808
For Oh! My Goddess: See Ah! My Goddess
For On a Stormy Night: See Arashi No Yoru Ni
For Ookamitachi no Densetsu X: See Legend of the Blue Wolves/Four Horsemen
For Oritsu Uchuugun - Honneamise no Tsubasa: See Wings of Honneamise
For Osakana wa Ami no Naka: See Fish in the Trap

M
	Magical Girl Meruru: Meruru is a young wizard who has studied under her elderly master, Sharuru, for many years. Recently she left his tutelage to travel to the monastery at the edge of the world, in order to complete her training. During her travels, she is confronted by a girl who is tied to a tree, completely nude. The girl introduces herself as Luna, and begs Meruru for help, as her village has been desecrated by an ogre, and her sister, Tia, has disappeared. Meruru searches the village, but the ogre finds her first, and before she can escape, it rapes her. Because she hasn’t mastered the timing of her magic, Meruru’s spells fall short, and she is brought back to the ogre’s cave, where she finds all the missing girls. In a last ditch effort to save them, Meruru escapes and tries to find her staff. But before she can reach it, the ogre catches up with her; luckily, the spells she cast the previous day finally discharge, and the ogre is struck down. Bidding Tia and Luna adieu, Meruru travels onward, and joins up with a party of adventurers, who are also traveling to the monastery. Meruru and the party’s wizard, Frenieple "Freni" Slaipny Sen, become fast friends, and are just as quickly thrown into danger. Fish Men catch them at a destroyed bridge, and drag the two girls to their underground cave, where they violate them in order to propagate their line. Once again, Meruru is helpless until one of her earlier spells manages to vaporize the monsters. With the help of a potion to destroy the Fish Men’s eggs, the girls are safe, and settle in at the monastery without further incident. Review: I’m generally hesitant to give any anime the title of “worst shit I’ve ever seen”, but Magical Girl Meruru sorely tempts me. First of all, it’s a hentai, so I’ll skim past the fact the animation was shitty, nothing except the penetration shots moved, and the design made me want to claw out my eyes. But even with that, even with EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF THIS SUCKING, the hentai parts were god awful. The first x-rated scene features The Ogre, with his 50-foot-long pencil thin dick, which in close-ups, has the texture of bark. With this horrifying member, he violates an entire village of girls, as well as Meruru when she haphazardly crosses his path. The ensuing scene made my uterus retreat high up in my sternum. He fucks her with his tree-cock UNTIL SHE IS BLEEDING PROFUCELY FROM HER VAGINA, and then, miraculously, HE RAPES HER SOME MORE. I can taste the bile in my mouth. Seriously. If you’ve read my other hentai reviews, you know I’m not a prude. I don’t shy away from the fact anime girls look about twelve years old, or that they’re violated by monsters, or (sad but true) that they get raped on a fairly constant level. But the Ogre was just WAY TOO MUCH. He’s the ONLY male character in the first episode, is featured in EVERY sex scene, and has the most LOUD AND IRRITATING RETARD VOCIE throughout every single act. The second episode was equally stupid. And I use stupid in the literal sense. It actually damaged my brain to watch it. This time the only men involved in sex scenes are Fish Men, with cocks made of a SERIES OF BALLS. And for 30 minutes straight, they have sex with Meruru and her new bosomy chum, The Wizard (whose name I never learned because it was sixty fucking nonsense-syllables long). Don’t get me wrong, long sex scenes are usually great, but a half-hour of the same terrible footage of Fish Men violating badly drawn girls? No, sir. I don’t like it. Luckily, right after the Fish Men LAY THEIR EGGS in the girls, Meruru manages to do magic (one of her previous spells comes back hours later to save them- which happens at least once per episode, to much “hilarity”) and defeats them. Then we’re treated to The Morning After Potion, wherein we get to watch all the spooge and Fish Man eggs slush out of Meruru, in graphic detail. This part is the most well-aniamted segment. Which makes me cry out WHAT. WHAT THE SHIT. Who proposed this? More importantly, WHO SHELLED OUT THE MONEY TO HAVE IT MADE!? What crazy old man was like, “OH GOD, NO NORMAL SEX? ONLY OGER RAPE AND FISH VIOLATION WITH A TOO-MUCH-INFORMATION AFTERMATH ABOUT ABORTED TADPOLES?! SIGN ME UP.” Seriously, after the traumatizing sex scenes of this, it’s not even worth mentioning the rest. But for the sake of being thorough, the music was some sort of low-key zombie movie soundtrack that did absolutely nothing to help make the reaming bearable, the characters came in two varieties, “retarded” or “fucking annoying and useless”, and if you even try to watch it in more depth than “yah okay she’s getting raped”, you will find that NOTHING THAT HAPPENS MAKES ANY SENSE. EVER. Seriously, the only thing that made me stop puking long enough to snigger once was Meruru’s Dumbledore-esque master who’s clearly high on opium throughout the entire thing. He pops up in little “aside” bubbles to give garbled, nonsensical information, all the while sporting a methed-out face and a terrifying twinkle in his eye that tells you he’s seen the back end of more young wizards than you’ll ever know. So, in summary, I must reiterate OGRE SEX. DO. NOT. WANT. Rates: 0/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Magical Twilight, The Hex Files: Chipple is a White Witch with a terrible academic record; without a flawless practical test of her magical skills, she'll never become a full fledged witch. The test? Assigned to live with a mortal boy named Tsukasa Tachibana and impact his life in a positive way, which may not be entirely difficult if not for Irene the promiscuous witch from Chipple's graduating class with the same assignment and who's more inclined to simply seduce the boy and be done with it. Chaos ensues when an evil Black Witch called Liv is assigned to kill the same Tsukasa Tachibana for her practical exam, and the three battle with their poor unwitting and sexually frustrated charge in the balance. It's much ado about nothing however when Tsukasa's friend rapes and ensnares the villainous witch and defuses the situation, leaving the three to continue their perpetual test in a vacation to a country hot springs! Drama surrounds the trio when they stay at a ryokan and become entangled in family politics between a widow and her estranged daughter. Emotions and erotic energies flare between them all before everyone discovers what's truly important, and love wins the day. Review: Yet again, the term “hentai” has been splashed all over an anime which has more teen drama than sex. Save for Chipple’s nymphomaniac friend Irene, the sex that happens is few, far between, and (for the most part) vanilla. As can be expected in harem-type anime, every girl wants to get with Tsukasa, despite the fact that prior to meeting the witches he was a lonely awkward college student that lived alone and only made sweet love to his fist of fury. But in true shoujou fashion, girls are suddenly ready to cast a full-body bind on our young hero just to have their way with him. And what’s more hilarious erotic than female/male rape? If your feminist hackles are all up at the plethora of non-con hentai out there, you should probably give this flick at least a cursory glance- because for every girl that gets forcibly violated in Bible Black, Tsukasa takes one from the ladies in Magical Twilight. And that, gentlemen, covers the Sex Quotient of the show: half a dozen scenes of Tsukasa alternately getting busy by choice and busy by force. The rest of the three episodes are filled with the heart-wrenching FEELINGS (yes, lads, flee) that ensues between Tsukasa and Chipple as she tries to integrate into human society, they face the fact that he repeatedly gets raped cheats on her, and the obligatory amnesia sequence in which Tsukasa must recover his memories. But love prevails- and, strangely enough, despite how god awful it sounds summarized by a jaded old hag like me, it wasn’t half bad… For a hentai. I would be more inclined to call this “erotica” –I can hear the girls masturbating furiously already- as, after regaining his memory of Chipple because he cares for her SO DEEPLY, Tsukasa makes sweet graphic love to his intended, and they live HAPPILY EVER AFTER. NAKED. Fap fap fap. Rates: 2.5/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Memories: Magnetic Rose A group of space garbage men are just about to return from a mission when they receive a distress call from a notoriously bad area of the galaxy. It's known that there are strong magnetic fields in the sector from which the SOS originated, but concerned about finding survivors, they proceed anyway. Miguel and Heintz are the spacemen sent in to investigate. They find a very old ship, but within it's lavishly decorated with both real wealth and holograms that continuously trick Miguel and Heintz. Heintz escapes the brainwashing enough to find that the ship was once owned by Eva Friedel, a famous opera singer who lost her voice, and murdered her husband to be. She became a recluse in space, and though she has long passed, her illusions still haunt the ship, drawing all rescuers into her corrupt dreams of happiness. Stink Bomb Nobuo Tanaka is a researcher at a medical lab who's suffering from the flu. His colleagues urge him to take some of the drugs they produce, and eventually he relents and takes a capsule he finds on his bosses' desk. Nobuo promptly falls asleep, only to awake to find everybody in the facility in a state of torpor. Panicked, he calls the police. He receives a video transmission from the government, ordering him to bring the drug sample he took and all records of it to them. This is a decision they sorely regret once they find that everybody's comatose state is caused by Nobuo himself. He's taken an experimental weapon drug that makes him give off a smell that knocks people out. With Nobuo heading their way, causing mass destruction as he journeys, the government sends in all their forces to stop him, but to no avail. They bring in the US army as well, with their own high-tech weaponry, but nothing can stop Nobuo, who's completely unaware of what he's causing, or the fact he should stay put. Finally, it appears that the Americans capture him with their new airtight space suits. One such suited man walks into the government building, up to the officials, and hands over the briefcase containing records and samples of the drug. Everybody is relieved, until the mask of the suit opens up to reveal it is Nobuo. Cannon Fodder In an industrial future, a war is being waged with an unknown foe. Children are educated in the art of war, and both men and women are made to work in the cannon facilities. One little boy has aspirations to be the one who shoots the gun, not simply an assembly worker like his father. Review: Memories was an anime akin to the Animatrix in the way it's set up; it features several shorts with different styles of animation, but all with futuristic military themes. All were well animated in their own way, though some were more captivating than others. Stink Bomb was, by far, my favourite. It was hilarious watching Nobuo, clueless and befuddled, trying his darndest to return this drug to the government, who pretty much blow up the entirety of their own forces in attempts to stop him. The fact that they animate the stink coming off him in vast puce clouds only adds to the humour. I think Nobuo was the strongest character in this compilation as well. He was easy to relate with, amusing, and well designed. Magnetic Rose was a little less impressive. Mainly it was very slow to start, but once it got into the plot with the opera singer and the illusions, I was very caught up in it. It's more of a mind trip too, since it never really explains how much was illusionary, and how much was real: In the end, despite everything theoretically being a hologram, Heintz wakes up with real rose petals in his helmet. Lastly, Cannon Fodder was more of an experimentation in a different style of animation than an actual story. The plot was practically non-existent, the characters weren't developed, and the whole atmosphere was incredibly depressing, showcasing the drudgery of factory life and industrial towns. Luckily this one was short, and kept my interest with the stunning fluidity of character movement. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: Three Shorts.
	Mermaid Forest: Yuta began his life as a normal fisherman without grandiose dreams or special skills. His life was changed forever when he ate mermaid flesh. His fellows, who convinced Yuta to eat the creature, immediately turned into monsters and died when they ate the mermaid. Yuta was the only one among them who survived. Five hundred years later, he scours the Earth searching for the illusive mermaids, wanting nothing more than to ask them how to undo what he did; Yuta yearns to become mortal again. After marrying and watching his wife grow old and die, Yuta wants the same, normal, fate. He is tired of wandering alone, eternally. His prayers are partially answered when he stumbles on a village populated entirely by old mermaids. Immediately, the attack Yuta and kill him. However, they are unaware that Yuta is immortal, and once he resurrects, Yuta finds that the mermaids have sinister plans. They have captured and raised a girl named Manna, who is now in her late teens. She was made to eat mermaid flesh, and unlike the girls that preceded her, Manna survived. The old mermaids are excited that one of their girls finally became immortal, for now they can eat her and regain their own youth and beauty. Aghast, Yuta saves Manna and flees with her. Together, they travel, again searching for mermaids and answers. While sailing with Manna to a neighboring island, Yuta reflects on the day he realized he would forever be alone. Years ago, he worked on the Island of Toba, lead by a spirited young girl named Rin. With her father, the chief, was very ill, so Rin led the men in fishing and pirating for many years. But Toba is assailed by the Sakagami pirates. They constantly harass Rin, all under the orders of Isago, the woman leader of the Sakagami. She is obsessed with finding mermaid flesh, and once she realizes Yuta’s immortality, she is convinced that he knows the location of the fabled beasts. By attacking Rin’s father, Isago forces Yuta and Rin to find a mermaid. They do so, and the Sakagami pirates kill it. They all eat it, and each man turns into a monster. Yuta dispatches them, but is alarmed to see Isago eating the flesh with no effect. Isago tells Yuta and Rin that she is a mermaid who is land-bound with legs while she carries her child. She needed mermaid flesh to feed her baby. During the fray of Yuta fighting the transformed pirates, Isago escapes into the ocean, where she becomes a full mermaid once again. While sailing back to Toba island, Rin admits her love for Yuta, and wishes she could grow old with him. Yuta feels the same, but denies his feelings, and leaves the island to avoid seeing another loved one age and die without him. Back in present-day, Yuta is distracted from his reverie when he and Manna arrive on the mainland. There they begin to travel, but Manna is still very ignorant of cities, having been cloistered in the mermaid village all her life. The moment Yuta falls asleep, Manna runs into the road, and is hit by a car. The local surgeon, Dr. Shina, takes her body to a nearby temple. Believing she is dead, he begins to remove her arm, intending on helping a young woman named Towa with her own ailing limb. But before Dr. Shina can complete the surgery, Manna resurrects and her wounds heal. Towa is noticeably interested in this, and immediately knows that Manna ate mermaid flesh, for she too consumed part of a mermaid. When she was young, Towa was very sick. Taking pity on her, Towa’s twin sister Sawa raided their family’s sacred tomb, in the Mermaid Forest. There Sawa found vials of secret medicine made from the carcass of the mermaid within the grave. Sawa fed Towa a phial of mermaid blood, intending on curing her sister and giving her immortality. While the blood did give Towa eternal beauty, she continued to age on the inside. She was also partially transformed into a monster: her right hand is a monstrous claw, which she hired Dr. Shina to replace with a human arm every few years, for the deformity persistently returns. Towa desperately wants to find mermaid flesh, as well as curing her own body. She kidnaps Manna, and orders Dr. Shina to replace her body with Manna’s. Dr. Shina refuses, and Towa forces her (now elderly) sister to reveal the location of the mermaid’s tomb. Sawa, who has kept the secret for many years, finally gives in, and takes Towa, Manna and Dr. Shina to the grave. Yuta follows them, and attempts to save Manna, but Towa is too fast. She retrieves the mermaid flesh, but surprisingly, thrusts it at her sister. Towa recounts that Sawa wasn’t trying to save her by feeding her the mermaid blood so long ago, she was using her as a test subject, for it was Sawa all along who wanted immortality, but was too cowardly to eat the flesh herself. Towa relates the pain she’s suffered over the years; watching her sister age, marry, and have children, while she was stuck in limbo. Hearing all this, and with her aging heart, Sawa dies before Towa can force the mermaid flesh on her. Overcome by grief and despair over the meaninglessness of her life, Towa burns the entire forest, temple, and herself with it. Yuta and Manna escape, and continue traveling together, eternally, but no longer alone. Review: So, how does mermaid flesh taste? In a word: Bland. While Mermaid Forest started out interestingly enough, it soon became repetitive. Yuta and Manna die so many times that it actually became funny to see them hurtle down a cliff to their doom. And considering the overwrought sad piano music that dominates this film, I don’t think “funny” was what the writers envisioned. Mermaid Forest seemed like a lot of interesting ideas that weren’t properly played through. Particularly that little finicky detail of how to kill immortals. They keep saying cutting off a monster’s head kills it, but Yuta never seems to get around to that. The immortals get burned, bludgeoned, stabbed, and hacked- but never decapitated. Doesn’t this worry anybody else? Probably not. In fact, everybody else has turned off this anime and forgotten all about the boring little journey Mermaid Forest turned out to be. Considering its predecessor, Mermaid’s Scar, I honestly expected more. I’ll give Mermaid Forest kudos for having an interesting theme, but curiosity about mermaids won’t keep you awake through the personality-lacking characters, every episode being essentially the same, and the confusion caused by every female character looking exactly alike. If I wanted to see that, I’d watch Children of the Corn again, and be a good sight more entertained. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Metropolis: The Litegong family is one of the most powerful in the city of Metropolis. They head the Mardu party, a political organization notorious for the proposal of the Ziggurat. The Ziggurat has the power to disable every robot in the city. However, Litegong’s power is not without challenge. The President wishes to see the Mardu party disbanded, as do the lower class, that are suffering under Litegong’s attempts to disable welfare. Knowing an uprising of the workers could secure his chances at robbing Litegong of power, the President encourages a rebellion. Meanwhile, within the slums, Dr. Luodun is building a hybrid robot to succeed Litegong and power the Ziggurat. But before she can be fully completed and collected by Litegong, the factory is destroyed by Litegong’s surrogate son, Luke. Luke is fixated on stopping his father from choosing a robot successor. However, the hybrid robot, Tima, is not killed in the factory’s collapse. She is rescued by Kenichi, a young boy with the ambition to become a reporter. Kenichi and his uncle Banjunzuo were pursuing Dr. Luodun for his illegal robot testing, but find the factory incinerated, and their quarry dead. While escaping with Tima through the slums, Kenichi meets Yadelasi, the rebel leader. He tells Kenichi of the rebel uprising, and their quest to seek fair treatment from the government. He explains that the Ziggurat will only cause corruption and chaos in Metropolis. Kenichi is incensed, and aims to let the over world public know the plight of the workers. The underworld’s uprising escalates into a full-scale riot. Though The President originally planned it as a controlled demonstration, his General betrays him, and turns traitor for Litegong. With Metropolis’ president dead, and the revolution failed, the city falls under Litegong’s army’s control. Though Tima and Kenichi are reunited with Banjunzuo, they are cornered by Luke, who is still in pursuit of Tima. But before he can destroy her, Litegong arrives, and disowns Luke for betraying him. Tima is taken away by Litegong, but isn’t long in his stay. She is once again captured by Luke, who, despite being shunned by Litegong, still refuses to see a robot successor to the family. Luke is thwarted by Banjunzuo, who is quickly apprehended by Litegong, and brought along with Tima to the Ziggurat. There Kenichi is being held captive. Just as Tima is introduced to the control panel of the tower, Luke appears and shoots her. Though he is killed by Litegong’s men, Tima sees the wound caused by Luke’s attack is not bleeding: she realizes she is a machine. The shock causes her to agree to control the Ziggurat, which engulfs Tima. But Kenichi fights for her. As the Ziggurat gains power, and begins to destroy the city, Kenichi pulls Tima from the computer that is in the process of assimilating her. He manages to pry her away, but she is no longer Tima, but a vengeful robot. Out of control, she ends up inadvertently destroying herself, which saves the city from further damage. Kenichi is devastated. He revisits ground zero, and finds trash robots picking up pieces, which they declare are “Tima!”. Uplifted by the notion that Tima still exists in some form, Kenichi decides to stay in Metropolis. Review: Whichever director heard the notion of mixing photographic 3D and the least realistic characters to come out of Japan, yet still went on with the project, should be shot. Anime is renowned for stunning character design, but Metropolis somehow missed out on that memo. Not only do the characters' designs differ drastically from one-another, but they're all two cent knock-offs of some low budget 60's era Disney film. Unfortunately, like so many feature-length budget anime before it, Metropolis suffers from over-acting. The characters move constantly and pointlessly. To the makers of Metropolis: it's called subtlety. I'd rather have the characters not move at all, than have them swaying all over the place like a bunch of ravers tripping on E. And speaking of tripping: I'm unsure whether or not that GIANT FISH that took up the whole background was 3D or real life, but the point stands: what in the shit was up with that? All it did was distract from the scene. What happened during that fish moment? I have no idea. I was too distracted by the fact somebody thought footage of their aquarium would be an awesome addition to this piece. Mixed media is terrible. No, honestly, it is. Always. Without exception. Okay, maybe it’s tolerable in a college performance piece; but even then, the fondness we feel is mainly due to pity. These guys are professionals, and I can't forgive them for the jarring crapspackle they put together here. 3D, real life, cutsey-poo traditional- choose a path then take it. The makers of Metropolis were like kids in a candy store: with so many technologies available, and unsure which would be best to convey their story, they made the heinous decision to use them ALL. SIMULTANEOUSLY. Call me an anime purist, but every Disnification of this film pissed me right off: the bumbling old man, the 20’s setting, the random well behaved robots. And I had to endure nearly two hours of this retardation, complete with jarring “iris in” scene transitions. I’m not saying the story itself was terrible. It was a mildly entertaining action sci-fi, with either Tima or Kenichi being in Immediately Mortal Peril every two seconds. But I just couldn’t immerse myself in the plot when I kept thinking “ASTRO BOY AWAY!”. The bottom-heavy characters did nothing to endear me to them, and, in the end, I simply couldn’t be arsed by an overdone plot that was so badly executed. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Mezzo Forte: Suzuki Mikura is a sexy female assassin that's as skilled in martial arts as she is with a gun. During a brief stint in prison, she met Harada Tomohisa, an underground sex-animatronic engineer, and Detective Kurokawa Kenichi. Charmed by Mikura and disenchanted with the police force, Kurokawa joins Harada and Mikura to form a bounty hunter squad called Danger Service Agency (DSA). Their latest target is Momokichi, owner of the baseball team the Peach Twisters. But as Mikura's team delves into the job, they find that there's more to Momokichi than meets the eye: firstly, he's a retired mob boss that remains surrounded by his vicious disciples. And secondly, he has a cute young daughter with a less than obliging personality. This girl, Momomi, quickly becomes known between Mikura and her cohorts as "The Psycho Bitch", and the description is very apt. After successfully kidnapping Momokichi, Mikura finds that the sedative they used on him killed the old man. Harada and Kurokawa are immediately horrified at the prospect of Momomi's wrath, but Mikura is less concerned. With the help of an old man claiming to be one of Momokichi’s ex-assassins who wishes to finish of the Boss’ Family to ensure his own safety, the DSA engineers a complex plot to trick Momomi into believing her father is still alive by building an android of him. But the plan backfires as Mikura is captured during their attempt at Momomi’s life, and Harada and Kurokawa are left to save her AND dispatch of the vicious Momomi. Luckily Harada is able to replace Mikura with an android and keep up the ruse long enough to take Momomi by surprise. The real Mikura finally puts an end to the Psycho Bitch, but the drama doesn’t end there. The retired assassin that helped the DSA reveals himself as Momokichi’s right hand man, who had worked under his hateful Boss for years, but his loyalty finally ended with Momokichi’s mismanagement of the Peach Twisters. Fearing for their lives now that the job was over, Harada detonates the androids, destroying the entire baseball field and the remains of Momokichi’s followers (including his treacherous right hand man). Kurokawa, Harada and Mikura all escape unscathed, but the trio have little time to rest before another job presents itself! Review: This title seems to be erroneously filed under “Hentai” in every review, retailer, and rental outlet. If you’re actually after a hentai, then Mezzo Forte will leave you sorely disappointed. In short, YES, there is graphic sex. But is this porn? No. It is an extremely well thought out, plot driven, gangster drama with more gun fights and epic shoot-outs than anything else. The sex scenes, while gratuitous, are well woven into storyline; Mikura has a dream in which she is violated by her companions, which is a symbol of her fear of being betrayed by them. The second instance is an android of Mikura being raped by two thugs; while not completely necessary, this scene really shows how classless the lower echelon of the mob can be. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this short, beautifully animated piece of work. The director of A Kite serves up an excellent piece of work once again. While not as provocative as his other titles, Mezzo Forte is really entertaining –I reiterate, the shoot-em-up action sequences, in which Kurokawa busts in, using his CAR as a weapon, are absolutely priceless. Other reviewers have said a few of these scenes reminded them of well-known gangster themed anime, Lupin III, and I absolutely agree. The characters are also quite likeable, despite being confined to only two episode of development- and it’s thanks to the amazing facial acting and expressions. Anybody out there looking for action, titillation, and some very classy animation, then Mezzo Forte will not leave you wanting. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Millennium Actress: A movie that takes the audience back into the life of a famous actress named Chiyoko. Though the story begins with her spending her autumn years settled in the reclusive Japanese mountainside, she agrees to an interview with a reporter who returns a key to her. Later he reveals himself as being her most devoted fan, and is making a documentary about her, despite the fact she's far past her prime, not only to showcase her successful life, but also for his own closure. Agreeably, Chiyoko takes the reporter and his camera man through a vivid recollection of her past. Chiyoko admits she didn't become an actress to serve her country, it was all to find a man she had fallen in love with, but who had been on the run because of his anti-government beliefs. He gave her the key, which he said "was to the most important thing of all", and she promised to return it to him. She spends her life chasing this first lost love, drawing inspiration for her fictional characters from the struggle she suffers every time she begins to doubt she will ever be able to return the key. When she loses her key the first time, she is propositioned by her director, despite the fact she still loves the man she's chasing. The second time she loses the key, she stops acting and searching completely, because she realizes she wanted to find her love looking as she did when they first met. She had aged, and she didn't want him to have to confront that as she did. In the end, Chiyoko admits that she was in love with the idea of chasing her love, a theme that was reflected in all of her movies. She excelled at acting the part of the devoted follower, because she felt a real life connection to the part. Review: Though it's presented through a simple storyline, Millennium Actress showcases profound symbolism and starkly meaningful messages. It uses Chiyoko's personal struggle to ask the audience if their life should be a scenic journey, or a dead run toward their destination. Similarly, Chiyoko's persona as an actress is used to portray the two ways one may see their life; the way they wish to, and the way it actually appears. Though she mirrors her real life struggles in all her roles, Chiyoko's perseverance is gained by the belief that she will one day catch her love. Each role that has her meet him once again, and begin the chase anew encourages her to live on for an impossible goal. Each individual viewer will have their own interpretation to what Chiyoko's key unlocked. I feel that "the most important thing of all" was Chiyoko's future. The key lead her through her life, allowed her to live with constant inspiration to move forward and progress, not to a goal, but to an unattainable end. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Mirage of Blaze: A Mandela of the Araki clan, containing hairs of the deceased members, is about to change hands and the spirits bound to the Mandela are stirred. Takaya Ohgi and Ayako Kadowaki follow the tracks to investigate. Much to Takaya's surprise, the original owner of the Mandela is guarded by Yoshiaki Tachibana. All three (Yoshiaki, Takaya and Ayako are possessed by past spirits: Naoe Nobutsuna, Uesugi Kagetora, and Kakizaki Haruie respectively). Takaya and Yoshiaki knew each other in the past, and still have unresolved issues regarding their relationship; Yoshiaki asserts his dominance by trying to rape Takaya, but he relents because he harbors no actual ill will towards his past master, and is simply frustrated. He lets Takaya continue his investigation, and offers to help him as well. Takaya finds that Shimozura Rairen is taking possession of the Mandela in order to use the Araki clan's power as a weapon. Also aware of this sinister intention is Araki Murashi, who has tried on numerous occasions to destroy the Mandela. However, he's frenzied in his attempts and is chased away by both Yoshiaki and Takaya. The only person who stops to ask about Murashi's motives is Ayako. When she first sees Murashi she believes, due to his resemblance to her past lover, that he is Shintarou, and pursues him. Eventually, after hearing the story of Ayako's lost love, and how she's stayed alive for millennia simply to see him again, Murashi softens and explains that the Iikoushuu (lead by Rairen) are after him as a sacrifice to draw out the Araki spirits and use their power. Meanwhile, Takaya is badly wounded in the fight with Rairen. He survives solely because the spirit Sonten acknowledges him and Yoshiaki as Bishamonten descendents and revive Takaya in addition to lending him their power. He summons fox spirits of the mountain to lead him to the Araki spirits. Rairen and his brother Raiyu finally track down Murashi and Ayako, easily overpowering them with the power of the spirits. They open a portal to hell where they wish to send Murashi, forever sealing him as punishment for deserting his clan in his past life. Just as Ayako collapses from the strain of protecting Murashi, Takaya arrives with the spirits of Sonten en mass. While Rairen and Takaya bid their respective spirits to clash on in battle, Murashi regains his memory about the Mandela, and his past wife, Dashi. Seeing her spirit perish forever at the hands of Rairen, he gathers his will and allows his original spirit to be severed from his human body. Ayako then exorcizes him, forever removing Rairen's obligatory sacrifice. With their powers combined, Yoshiaki and Takaya are able to seal Rairen and Rairyu, and the spirits finally rest. Review: There are a lot of things to regret in life, like getting herpes, getting knocked up, or killing a man with your bare hands just for the sheer thrill. Like those things, watching the Mirage of Blaze OAV without reading the comic or seeing the 13-episode TV precursor is something that will haunt me until my dying day. Well, okay, maybe just for a few more hours, but honestly, what of that precious time lost! This is a series spilling over with characters all boasting their own back story, complex personalities, and multi-faceted relationships betwixt one another. To make matters more confusing for the un-initiated, each of the characters has a secondary personality that existed in the past, which has a completely different name and clan affiliation. These names are thrown around interchangeably, old alliances are referred to in nearly every conversation, and with a show that’s 80% talking-about-the-good-old-days it’s a whole lot of NAMES. If I could summarize this in one thing, it would be just that: NAMES. I need to ask somebody who’s seen the entire series and read the comic, do they really need to cram all this BS history in every single minute of the show? Is this an anime aimed specifically at scholars that enjoy collecting and memorizing encyclopedic knowledge in the blink of an eye? Maybe it is. The truth is, I don’t care. This OAV was BORING and ridiculous. There, I’ve shed the shame of Not Seeing the Precursor, and said my piece. It took me four separate tries to get through this, two of which I ended up watching the first episode over again because I couldn’t figure out what the FUCK was going on. Do you know how I finally puzzled it out? I Wikipedia-ed it. They have a lovely little character compellation that made who-was-who a lot clearer, otherwise I would have said fuck it, and not even reviewed this due to an inability to even BEGIN to explain the plot. Luckily, not all is lost, and I can rant my little heart out. It was just the hurried overwhelming plot and cast of a thousand multiple-personality characters that brought the series down, the art was also horribly ugly. The men looked like women and the women looked like men. This is supposedly YAOI, so it’s important to at least make it clear which characters we should be excited to see holding hands. While the animation was sound, there wasn’t much of it- but to be fair, that wasn’t due to laziness. The characters honestly didn’t need to move around that much because all they did was SIT AROUND TALKING ABOUT THE PAST AND CLANS. Clans. Clans. Clans. NAMES. There, that’s the plot. Right there. Luckily for Mirage of Blaze it had ONE hot near-sex yaoi scene. So I will give it ONE point and screencap it for you, dear reader, so you NEVER HAVE TO BE SUBJECTED TO THE UNBEARABLE BOREDOME THAT THESE THREE EPISODES DELIVER. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Three Episode OAV.
	Mononoke Hime: Prince Ashitaka is the last royal son of the Emishi line, a culture long believed dead by the settled world. Skilled in archery, Ashitaka is the first to retaliate when his village is attacked by a demon boar. He destroys the monster, but not before being infected with the evil that plagued it. The Emishi wise woman instructs Ashitaka that it is his fate to leave the town, and that the wound will surely kill him. However, the situation is not without hope. An iron pellet was retrieved from within the boar; the wise woman believes it injured the animal and made him susceptible to evil. Ashitaka leaves the village and his family to scour the lands. His journey hasn't been long before he is engaged in battle with samurai that have attacked a nearby town. Ashitaka easily kills two of them, finding that his strength has been redoubled by the evil power within him. But he still regrets taking lives, and continues on his quest to rid himself of the demon mark. Ashitaka travels to Iron Town, where a recent battle between the forest gods and the settlers have left wounded soldiers without care. He returns them to the city, and is praised as a hero. However, Ashitaka feels that what the town has done is wrong: their leader, Lady Eboshi, has ploughed away the forest to make way for industry. Ashitaka leaves the town, and while wandering the woods, he meets San, a girl who has been raised by the wolf god Moro. San has one goal, to kill Lady Eboshi and restore the forest to its previous splendor. Despite his disagreement with the way Lady Eboshi handled mining in the forest, Ashitaka stops San from killing the woman. He feels pity on the townspeople, and believes that Lady Eboshi means well. He was touched by seeing that she built her town by employing women from brothels and lepers: people the world had otherwise forgotten. A fierce battle soon erupts between Iron Town and the forest gods when the wild boars and their god rally against the humans, and Lady Eboshi enters the woods to kill the forest spirit to rid herself of the animal attacks. Caught between the two worlds, Ashitaka tries to fight for both sides, but leans toward aiding San, for whom he has begun to care. In the melee, the forest god appears, and is struck down by Lady Eboshi. Injured, the god runs amok, destroying Iron town, killing both human and animal alike. In a desperate attempt to end the chaos, San and Ashitaka raise the god's severed head to him, returning it by human hands. The god stops and the destruction is overrun with new growth of flowers and trees. The residents of Iron town are thankful they're alive, and Lady Eboshi relents to rebuild her town the right way. Ashitaka and San part ways; he must stay and help rebuild the town, while she can never forgive the humans for their destruction. They agree that a balance must exist, a balance in which they will see one another on neutral grounds, between forest and civilization. Review: As with all of Miyazaki's works, interpretation of this anime could easily turn into a thesis, but I'll keep it brief. The story of great gods leaving forests when industrialism set in is simply a way of saying that old beliefs faded when humans left rural life in turn for cities. With the imminent danger of animals and the elements at bay, superstitions that evolved from living closely with nature began to diminish. While humans grew to understand the forces around them, they no longer attributed growth and death to gods, rather to the simple fact that life works in these cycles naturally. Like one would expect, the animation is flawless and realistically portrayed. And for once, Miyazaki's designs were well placed and all lived comfortably in the same world. The characters are personable and unique with amazingly detailed costume and civilization. The one design that I have quarrels with is the forest god himself: why did they give him that ridiculous face? I mean honestly, was that comic relief? Because I laughed. Every time he looked at the camera I laughed. In fact, the perilous, dramatic, crushing moment in which he got shot- I couldn't help but giggle a little. I mean, his FACE- Okay, so one irritating design in a myriad of well constructed characters isn't bad. And luckily, the forest god doesn't spend too much time assing up the movie. As much as it sucked when Lady Eboshi shot him, I'm glad I didn't have to look at his face anymore. Too bad it happened so late in the film. Regardless, I came away with a distinctly good feeling from Princess Mononoke. They managed to tell the story without bias: both the humans and the animals were in the wrong. They weren't divided into generalized groups, instead showing that each side had those that were radical believers, while some were open to change and reason. Further more, the ending was incredibly well handled. It wasn't a happy ending where everything returned to normal, nor was it complete destruction. It was a happy medium, where the forest was without gods, and men continued to build towns. In short, it ended with a world that everybody could relate with: our world. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Monster OAV: Once applauded as the most talented neurosurgeon at Eisler Memorial Hospital, Dr. Tenma finds his career literally crushed over-night when he goes against the Head Surgeon's orders, and instead of operating on the mayor of Düsseldorf, he operates on a young boy suffering from a bullet wound to the head. Though he saves the boy's life, Dr. Tenma is shunned by both the medical community and his circle of friends. Years later, still alone and mired in self-doubt, Dr. Tenma finds himself at the centre of a chilling murder investigation. A string of killings has been traced to Johan Fort, a young man that Dr. Tenma recognizes as the boy he once saved. Desperate to right the wrongs of his past, to find answers, and for closure, Tenma joins the hunt for Johan, but in the process, becomes a suspect. The chase leads Tenma to find Johan’s twin sister, Lina, who suffers from amnesia of her childhood. Though she remains unhelpful, she, the doctor, Johan and the investigators follow the trail of bodies to Prague, where the twins found refuge after the war. Once again immersed in her hometown, Lina’s memories begin to flood back, and she recalls the horror of her past; her mother and father were part of the Arian experiment. Though they were meant only to procreate, Lina’s parents fell in love, and made to escape the Nazi regime. But they were caught, and the twins were born to the Reich, and christened with names against their mother’s wishes. Followed by the legend of a nameless monster that consumes all around it in order to define itself, both twins feel a loss of identity. While Lina is haunted by half-memories, Johan remains apathetic to death and murders without a thought. But as the mysteries surrounding the twins unravel and the police close in, Johan sees his end, and wishes to bring it on in his own terms. He threatens the life of a young boy to coerce Dr. Tenma into shooting him, but the doctor’s hands remain clean, as it’s the boy’s father that shoots Johan. Faced once again with Johan’s life in his hands, Dr. Tenma stays true to his morals, and saves the man’s life. Review: This has all the elements to be a great movie: good design, a captivating plot, provocative characters and solid animation. But these remain as separate strong points in an overall bust of a film- an epically LONG bust. The plot is so diluted Monster’s overall length that scenes which could have been strong and gripping become only mildly interesting, and the slower parts are nearly unbearable. There are so many bland characters nonchalantly introduced, not just in the beginning, but WELL into the plot, that it feels fragmented and meandering (for supposed protagonists, Johan and Lina are hardly even IN their movie). Because it had so much promise, I dearly wanted to like Monster, but the more it dragged on, the more plot was laboriously uncovered, the more I failed to give a damn. By the end I just wanted it to end- I have NEVER come so close to turning off an anime and simply not reviewing it. But I couldn’t let another person be drawn in by acclaim, a misleading jacket summary, and enticing design. So, without pretence, here it is: MONSTER IS A NEVER ENDING LOAD OF FUCKERY. By the end you will be PRAYING for it to be over. If you do end up taking the plunge and trying to watch this thing, do yourself a favor and NEVER look at the time remaining, because it will ROB YOU OF YOUR WILL. There is NO amount of chilling psychological drama that makes this shit worthwhile. It’s not bad enough to be properly mocked, it’s not even good enough to merit mercy points, it’s just a soul-sucking maw of malingering monotony. Rates: 0/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	My Neighbors the Yamadas: Young Nonoko Yamada begins by introducing each of her family members: Grandma Shige is a quirky old woman who often misses the "point" of a situation. For example, she admires caterpillars instead of flowers, and feels sorry for a destroyed guard rail, and not those who lost their lives crashing into it. At the opposite end of the emotional spectrum is Matsuko, Shige's daughter and Nonoko's mother. Matsuko is very concerned with appearances when strangers are watching; she listens to classical music, despite the fact it puts her to sleep, and will make extra effort during parties and meetings. But once she's left alone with her family, Matsuko is as lazy as the next person, and is greatly amused by tricking people into doing things for her, such as suggesting take-out sushi for dinner, just so Grandma Shige will become annoyed and make it herself, thus saving Matsuko the pain of cooking dinner for her family. The final two members of Nonoko's family are her brother, Noboru (a typical teen boy with worries of studying and girls) and Takashi, the Yamada patriarch. Mr. Yamada is a typical businessman, working 9-5, and comes home to a family that seldom hears him. But Mr. Yamada has fleeting dreams of bigger things, for both himself and his children. He tries to impress the importance of schoolwork and succeeding on Noboru, and the sensibility of tradition on his wife. Of course, neither works, and Takashi is left to accept that a working family is built on tolerance. And so the family Yamada embarks on several adventures, where they rely on themselves, others, and good luck to make it through. The first story depicts Nonoko being left behind in the family's rush to shop. She wakes up to find her parents gone, while, miles away, the rest of the family discovers that Nonoko is missing. Panicked, the Yamadas rush back to where Nonoko was left, only to be told that she was picked up by another woman. Luckily, this was her neighbor, and Matsuko is greatly thankful Nonoko was found (yet is still embarrassed somebody had to witness the incident). The second segment begins with Matsuko panicking that the rain has ruined her laundry. She rushes out to bring it in, only to discover she never hung it up in the first place. Meanwhile, Grandma Shige prepares to go shopping. She asks if Matsuko needs anything, to which Matsuko replies "yes", but she can't seem to remember what it was. She follows Grandma all the way to the end of the yard, until she finally remembers the item she needed was bread. While both women are out of the house, Noboru comes home from school to find ramen on the counter. He prepares it for a snack. But the moment he's about to eat, Matsuko appears, and thanks him graciously for preparing her lunch. Later in the day, everybody is relaxing in front of the TV. They all lament the fact they want a cup of tea, but nobody wants to be the one to make it. They play rock, paper, scissors to decide, and Noboru is sent to the kitchen to get the tea. There he finds his mother doing the dishes, with tea already prepared. She brings it out, but leaves Noboru to finish up the post-supper cleaning. The third story is a short snippet of Matsuko and Takashi's relationship; they fight over the remote to decide which show to watch, and while they scold each other for forgetfulness and laziness, they are both equally guilty of loafing and being absent-minded. The fourth segment features Mr. Yamada and his son playing catch. Mr. Yamada tries to teach Noboru life lessons, such as repetition helps studying. Noboru points out that his mom repeatedly tells him to study, but it doesn't help at all. Later, Mr. Yamada lets Noboru taste sake for the first time- Noboru replies that it's a bit dry, and is chased out of the house. The following day, Mr. Yamada offers to play catch with Noboru again. Noboru replies that family bonding isn't worth it, so Mr. Yamada goes to bounce the ball alone. The life lessons continue, as Mr. Yamada scolds Noboru for rudely slopping his rice into his soup, instead of the other way around, and being indecisive with his chopsticks, hovering over the food. Noboru later asks his father for help with an independent study project. Mr. Yamada tells Noboru to use his own brain- but once he starts thinking about it, there are too many options for even Mr. Yamada to come up with a topic. Later that month, the first snow comes, and Takashi is out in the yard. He excitedly ushers his family to come take a photograph with him during the first taste of winter. But Matsuko, Grandma, Noboru and Nonoko are embroiled in a TV program and won't hear anything of it. Takashi stomps over, gets the camera, sets the timer, and places it on top of the TV. While the timer goes, he returns outside, standing just at the patio door so the picture captures his family staring at the TV, and himself outside in the new snow. The year progresses and rainstorms begin. Takashi calls his wife from the train station, asking her to bring his umbrella. She tries to get her children to do it, but they refuse. Angered by how unhelpful his family is, Takashi says he'll just buy one. Matsuko requests pork while he's out. Takashi hangs up the 'phone in rage, but once he's at the store, gives in a buys the pork. When he exits, he finds his family waiting for him, with his umbrella. In the next story, Matsuko prepares breakfast for her family, with plenty of ginger from the garden. But ginger makes a person forgetful, and each member returns to the house at least three times for items they've forgotten. The sixth story is about Grandma Shige. She goes to the hospital to visit a sick friend. Her friend is very vocal about the other hospital guests, and comments on everything that happens there. Shige is happy to see her friend in good spirits, but curiously asks why she's in the hospital. At this, her friend breaks down crying. That evening, Shige is reading in the dark. Matsuko comes in and turns on the light for her. Shige admits she didn't notice the sun set. Matsuko moves on to Noboru's room, where he is asleep at his desk. She turns off his light. Later that week, Shige goes to the park to do volunteer clean-up work. She meets an old friend, who proposes they work together. Shige will hear nothing of it, and draws a line in the sand to delineate her side of the park. Her friend remarks that Shige hasn't changed since primary school. That night, the Yamadas hear bikers making noise in the park. Shige comments that they're the reason there's so much trash on the ground, and suits up to go talk to them. Just as she's walking out the door, Takashi returns home, and Matsuko begs him to convince Grandma not to go. Grandma agrees that it's dangerous, and sends Takashi instead. He haltingly goes, and politely asks the thugs to leave. They tease him until Matsuko and Shige arrive, clanging pots and pans and singing. Shige compliments the lead biker and tells him to become an advocate for good. The biker laughs her off as "crazy", but leaves nonetheless. Once Shige and Matsuko are home, Takashi sits in the park, imagining himself as a super hero, able to defeat bikers with his superior skills, and save his family from danger. The next day, Matsuko oversleeps, and forgets to wake her husband for his business meeting. She rushes up to get him, and he sprints to the train station. However, as he's running, he collapses from fever. At home, Matsuko takes his temperature, and Shige tells him to take the day off. Just as Takashi decides this is a good idea, he begins to feel better, and takes a leisurely stroll into work. The final story brings everything full-circle. As the Yamadas started with listening to speeches of family love at their own wedding, Mr. Yamada finds himself as one of the guest speakers at a friend's ceremony. However, he forgot his notes, and is left to ad-lib at the mic. He starts off slowly, with compliments, but soon launches into a grandiose speech of what keeps a family together: acceptance, tolerance, and sailing the calm seas as if they were rocky. Matsuko and Shige both admire him for his heartfelt oration. Finally, the Yamada's adventures come to a close with a scene set in Nonoko's class. The children ask Miss Fujiwara what her motto is. She quickly scribbles a message on paper, and posts it in front of the class: "Don't overdo it". Review: Picture Charlie Brown. Now add musical and dance interludes, make it nearly two hours long, and slap on a layer of random shit to make the audience think there’s a deeper message. If I wanted to watch something this boring, I’d tune into a home webcam. At least then there’d be a chance of partial nudity among the hours upon hours of some shmuck’s uneventful life. This is why reality TV was never animated. Sure, there are a few impressively animated scenes within the sketchy, childish style, and among the mind-numbing pace, I got a few laughs. Now before I get dismissed for not “grasping” the film, or accused of “seeing only the surface”, I realize this is supposed to be an insightful and genuine look into the simple relationships and experiences found in every day life- but by GOD, the little things are DULL, and stopping to smell the roses really cuts into my regiment of furious masturbation. And honestly, no amount of poetry, symbolism, or even or quirky charm, can forgive a five minute shot of a middle-aged Japanese man eating a banana. So why do I keep watching Miyazaki films, knowing I so vehemently hate his direction? Well, there’s nothing so fun as taking the piss out of The God of Anime. To be fair, I can see why this would be so poignant in a society bound by rules and an ideal of success. But that’s not taboo in Western society. Sadly, dysfunctional families are the norm, and My Neighbors the Yamadas holds little revelation. In the end, weighing the few good elements with the two hours of drawn out attempts at life lessons, this flick is yet another case of Miyazaki blowing morals out his ass- and that’s one whiff I don’t care to inhale. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Mystery of the Necronomicon: For over fifty years Toshiaki Nezu pursued his obsession with immortality. Through the Necronomicon's black magic he managed to slow down his own aging process. However, he has yet to complete the full ritual, for Satoshi Suzusaki interrupted Nezu on his first attempt. Though Satoshi escaped the conflict alive, the Necronomicon wiped his memory. With a gruesome ring of murders, Satoshi remembering nothing, and a young orphaned girl on their hands, the police abandoned the case. Once he was released from the sanitarium, Satoshi adopted the girl, Asuka, who he raised as a daughter until she was of age. In present day, she assists him in his work as a private detective. Together, they take a much needed vacation at a ski resort. But they haven't been at the lodge for more than a day when a murder is reported. The circumstances are gruesome: the victim’s face has been cut off and their eyes have been removed. A similar string of murders were reported to have happened six years ago, and when the police arrive, their prime suspect is Satoshi. Though he was involved in the original incident, Satoshi cannot remember what happened, and therefore cannot defend himself. Determined to solve the case before he is tried as the prime suspect, Satoshi begins investigating those still staying at the resort. With Asuka and his lover, Mina's, help Satoshi finds that all those murdered once worked at M. M. Pharmaceuticals. Though Nezu is one of the lodge's visitors, he had no motive to murder the researchers. He does, however, kidnap a young girl named Nozomi, much to the distress of her guardian, Haruka. As Satoshi chases down Nezu, he runs into Mina, who admits to working directly with Nezu. She explains that it was a double deal: she got revenge on M. M. Pharmaceuticals for force-testing drugs on her, while Nezu was able to taunt Satoshi and acquire Nozomi, the final piece to his ritual. Stricken by what she did against Satoshi, Mina kills herself. Following the clues she left behind, Satoshi, Haruka and Asuka travel to America to Half Acre Mansion, where they suspect Nezu is holding Nozomi. When they arrive there, the same types of ghastly murders begin to take place, only this time, the bodies aren't completely dead. Zombies begin to torment the mansion, throwing Satoshi into a desperate attempt to recover his memories to save Nozomi and stop Nezu. On the Night of Beltane, when Nezu plans to sacrifice Nozomi, the Necronomicon breaks its hold over Satoshi's memories, and he is able to recover what happened six years ago. He remembers the mansion completely, as well as how he interrupted Nezu back then. Once more, Satoshi stops the ritual from proceeding. With the help of Asuka's wish to avenge her parents and Haruka's ardent love for Nozomi, the three succeed in stopping Nezu and destroying the Necronomicon. Review: Despite my summary not describing it, there's every manor of sex you could wish for in this anime- except GOOD sex. The scenes are too short, and way too far apart. Satoshi is also featured in more than half of them, and he's about as sexually exciting as clipping coupons with grandma. Satoshi's sex face can be described in one word: unanimated. Much like the rest of Mystery of the Necronomicon. There's also a share of the more creepy fetishes for those of us so inclined. But, unfortunately, not as much necrophilia as one would expect from an anime ABOUT the book of the dead. Mainly the strangeness comes from the guardian/child relationships that happen. Satoshi ends up porking Asuka, and though they're not related, he did RAISE her. The same goes for Haruka and Nozomi, though nothing actually happens between them out of Haruka's unimaginative wet dreams. Which brings me to the moral of the story: don't be a lesbian, because while everybody else ends up paired off, happy, or possibly dead, you'll be alone, unsatisfied, still forced to lust after your child protégé from afar, and very much alive. As for the students I secretly lust over, they'll be getting a lesson in Wiccan Holidays, so nobody ever emulates Necronomicon's blatant misuse of the various Sabbaths. FYI: the actual Night of Beltane has very little to do with zombies. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
N
	Note: This movie takes place three years after the OAV, and is meant as an ending for the inconclusive anime. Nadesico, the Prince of Darkness: With the Remains of Mars delivered, and the Jupiter Union leading to a cease fire, Ruri, Akito and Yurika are left to live as civilians in an era of peace. However, Nergal faced attacks by competing organizations, and was greatly weakened. Peace continues to falter when Akito, Inzez and Yurika are reported dead after a shuttle crash, leaving Ruri as the captain of the Nadesico B. The Hisago Plan also falters when colonies connected through the Boson-jump are decimated and the Nadesico B is sent to investigate. New crew member Harry cracks the computer system, only to find several suspicious documents suggesting Boson-jump experiments were conducted on human beings. Soon Harry's infiltration is traced by a malicious program, which blocks all systems in the colony as well as those aboard the Nadesico. The screens are all jammed with the same message, "OTIKA". Realizing this is "Akito" reversed, Ruri orders her crew on stand by for an attack. A battle escalates between the Nadesico, a mysterious mech, and a battleship. Ryouko, leader of the Aestivalis team, follows the mech into the colony. The mech ignores her attempts at communication, and continues its pursuit: once the gate is unlocked, the remains of Mars are revealed. The clash continues between revolting Martian colonists, who are backed by the UE and Jovian militaries. They fight against the Hisoga Plan, wishing to harness the Boson-jumping system for themselves. Reuniting with her old crew, Ruri joins the fight for peace and the search for Akito. Review: Apparently, the creators of Nadesico the Movie didn’t fathom those who hadn’t see the series would watch. Don't expect build up, introductions, or explanations; it jumps right into shit exploding and people fleeing for their lives. In fact, there were so many things going on at once, quickly cutting from one badly animated 3D scene to another, that I spent a good portion of the movie staring, dumbstruck, wondering how anybody could possibly understand what the hell was going on- especially when none of the characters finish their sentences. The captain is screaming, hackers abound, an all-out space war commences, forcing in an era of new technology... All in the first five minutes. I think Nadesico was out the prove one thing: Even for somebody with ADD, there IS a such thing as too much action. Showing 50 Rather Important Scenes within the span of two minutes must be some sort of brainwashing. SMOKE. With the amount of random crap flying around the screen at a given time, I'm hard pressed to believe there weren't hidden messages. SMOKE. No, seriously. SMOKE. One impromptu comic-drawing session (the earth is in danger! Let us get the newest issue of Sexy BoobBunny zine out!), and an Evangelionesque dream sequence later, I was still boggled. Luckily, once the captain's watermelon-eating interlude finished, all the random factoids that had been thrown out began to come together into a cohesive plot. Cohesive- but still rapid. Quick, we're at war! Things are being attacked, though it's unclear what. Several dozen characters you care nothing about are in mortal peril!!! But not for long! All it takes is one dramatic mecha fight, and everybody is saved, leaving us all impressed that the order "shoot until your guns explode" actually proved victorious. Rates: 0.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Naruto: Twelve years ago, the hidden leaf village of Konoha was under attack by Kyuubi, a fearsome daemon fox. Unable to defeat the beast, Yondaime, the Fourth Hokage, sealed it away in the body of an infant. That boy is Naruto, who survived and grew, feared by his fellow villagers. This isolation instilled him with a passion to be recognized as the greatest fighter. His ambition is to become the Hokage, master ninja of Konoha. Though Naruto is slow at using his powers, the fox demon grants him inhuman stamina. Coupled with his natural determination, Naruto graduates to becoming a Genin, the first level of ninja. For his training, he is grouped with Sakura, a precocious female ninja, and Sasuke, the sole remaining member of the Uchiha tribe. The team begins at odds. Naruto is immediately jealous that Sakura is so enamored with the brooding Sasuke, and bitter that ninjitsu (the art of channeling chakra energy into attacks) comes so easily to both his teammates. However, under their teacher Kakashi, the three Genin learn to work together, and soon progress to the Chuunin exams. Here they meet a variety of other ninja from the surrounding countries of Sand, Sound, and Mist. Though the exam is meant to strengthen relation between countries, it becomes the catalyst for Orochimaru, an exiled ninja, to initiate war. Using ninja from the country of Sand and Sound, Orochimaru infiltrates the exam, and kills Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, current leader of Konoha. As Sarutobi’s ex-student, Orochimaru wants nothing more than to see Konoha in turmoil, and Hokage fall from grace. Though he is one of the three Sennin, great ninja from Konoha, Orochimaru doesn’t escape the battle against the Third Hokage unscathed. His arms are disabled, leading him to seek out his fellow Sennin, Tsunade, who is an expert healer. Seeing what a fiend Orochimaru has become, Tsunade does not agree to treat him. Instead, she joins her old teammate Jiraiya (the final Sennin) and Naruto. Tsunade is inducted as the new Hokage of Konoha, leading the battle against Orochimaru and the Sound 5 ninja. However, Orochimaru’s aims change. As his body has been damaged, he seeks to capture Sasuke and possess him. Hungry for power, Sasuke agrees. Sasuke joins Orochimaru because he is impatient to kill his brother, Itachi. Itachi killed his own family, and the entire Uchiha tribe, leaving only Sasuke alive. Exiled from the hidden villages, Itachi is now a rogue ninja, part of the feared organization of Akatsuki. This group is after Naruto for the demon within him. Though Naruto pursues Sasuke, nearly losing control of Kyuubi, he is nearly killed by his friend. Sasuke believes murdering Naurto will grant him power, but when the opportunity presents itself, he can’t bring himself to slaughter Naruto. Once he’s recovered from the battle, Naruto, Jiraiya and Sakura infiltrate Orochimaru’s base to reclaim Sasuke. Review: Naruto was a mixed blessing. It ranges from being incredibly good, to being painfully bland. Because it was originally aired on a once-per-week basis, each episode contains a large amount of recap footage to keep the viewer current. Like many serial series, this makes watching several episodes in a row tedious. Though the story's pacing (rehashed footage aside) is very well done, the characters simply don't grow fast enough to escape from their one-dimensional first impressions. For lack of a better phrase, they simply try too hard. Sasuke is particularly irritating. The creators really scrape to make him cool, but only succeed in mixing up the story's point. The only tolerable main character, Naruto himself, gets lost in the fray of Sasuke's angst (and the writer's desperate attempts to make him both aloof and accessible to the audience). Without a clear protagonist, the series flails. The strongest episodes are those that feature continuation of Naruto's story: discovery of his powers, seeing him grow, and learning about his past. It's fine to have a favorite character apart from Naruto, but it's integral to the story to have him constantly present and active. The series simply fails to accomplish that. Naruto's music also follows the cycle of tiresome repetition. Though it's very good the first time through, they simply replay it too much. What this series needs is to be trimmed down. Attempts at suspense were simply boring pauses, there was too much recap and repetition of themes ran rampant. I've stopped being shocked by people dying in the series, because we all know it's going to be the "replacement technique"... That's not your best friend getting slaughtered- it's just a log. Concisely, this is the series that cried wolf. False-deaths are used for shock value too often, which causes real deaths have less of an impact. The characters get too powerful, which defeats the purpose of rooting for them. When you know they're going to win, you lose interest. Strangely, what holds Naruto together is the supporting cast. When the three protagonists begin to meet specialized ninja, the series really gets interesting. Past connections and new bonds form between secondary characters. Whether it be a blessing or a curse to the series, most of Orochimaru’s henchmen have more personality than Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura combined. It was honestly the teachers, Sennin, and adversaries that peaked my interest the most. In the end, Naruto should be taken with a grain of salt. If you're prepared to sit through the parts that drag, the predictable reactions of main characters, and bare with Sakura's infuriating inability to fight during the first thirty episodes, then you'll probably enjoy the series. For your trouble you'll be rewarded with episodes that make you laugh out loud, missions that make you cry, and a journey that endears you to the characters- however convoluted they may be. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
	Note: The movie is set between Naruto returning from training with Jiraiya and Sasuke’s departure from the team. Naruto Movie: The fame of actress Fujikaze Yukie is sweeping the country. Known as the character "Princess Fuun", she is adored by millions. However, she doesn’t appreciate her glory. She scoffs at fans that ask for autographs, and refuses to film in the Snow Country. Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura are hired to be Yukie’s bodyguards. She tries to avoid them, but Naruto, as always, is determined to do his job as a ninja. Yukie is taken by force to The Snow Country, where she continues to try to escape. Soon it becomes clear that it isn’t simple contempt for fame that’s making her run: Yukie is a true princess. When she was young, her brother attacked his own family in order to claim the thrown. Yukie fled and lived as an actress for many years. She has no interest in returning and saving her homeland from her brother’s tyrannical reign. But her manager, the ex-councilor for the Snow Country, believes that Yukie is the rightful heir, and fights for her at the cost of his life. While Yukie’s brother sees no threat from her because she is so apathetic toward the country, he kidnaps her and Naruto in order to secure the Hexagonal Ice Crystal. This crystal is said to be the key to the Snow Country’s greatest weapon. Yukie hands over the crystal without question. Though she is bitter and resentful toward the Snow Country, seeing Naruto fight so valiantly for her begins to warm Yukie’s heart. At the last moment, she attacks her brother. He is undamaged, and quickly escapes so he can use the Hexagonal Crystal to unlock the Snow Country’s weapon. Though Naruto pursues him, Yukie’s brother succeeds, and uses the key. However, what the key unlocks is not a weapon at all. It is a natural generator that warms the village. The harsh landscape becomes green, and Naruto defeats Yukie’s brother, allowing her to take her rightful place on the throne. Understanding what it means to take responsibility, Yukie becomes a kind leader to her country, as well as continuing her acting career. Review: Perhaps I went into this movie with my expectations too high. After all, my one critique of the Naruto series was that it was simply too long winded. I thought perhaps a movie would cut out the repetition, and present a polished, concise story. It presented a wad of moose drip, is what it did. Naruto the Movie showcases a rehashed plot fit for Disney, shitty new characters with no discernable personalities (or too many personalities, in the case of the princess), and an ending that felt like "shit, shit, the budget ran out, let's piece some baloney together and call it a sandwich". The musical score also suffered from half-assery syndrome. It featured a few recognizable Naruto tunes, which only succeeded in seeming tacked on among the otherwise bland orchestral soundtrack. Perhaps it was featuring too many new characters, or that those characters bored me to tears, or Naruto being in mortal peril so often the edge wore off- but this movie just started dragging near the middle. I kept expecting it to get better. For a full ninety minutes I sat, waiting, so sure something spectacular would endear me to the movie, the way I was eventually drawn in to the series. But the movie ended, leaving me disappointed, pondering what kind of compound spine facture Sasuke sustained, if Naruto is sleeping or dead, and the box office value of a crummy handy-cam video. But wait! Luckily the assistant pointed out the movie's fizzle of an ending, so there's a little blurb after the credits. Everything gets wrapped up in a dull little package: Sasuke is still a wad, Naruto continues to spring a bone for the princess, and Yukie's movie became the summer's feel good thriller for the teen audience demographic. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Note: There’s a terribly edited version of this anime available. It was released under the title Warriors of the Wind and was so badly butchered that Miyazaki rejected it as being in any way related to Nausicaä, Valley of the Wind. Nausicaä, Valley of the Wind: Ever since the Seven Days of Fire, a world-wide disaster which wiped out most of the population, humans have been reduced to living in fear of the jungle and the plethora of giant insects that live within. Not only do the Ohmu, a particularly vicious type of larvae, keep the humans at bay, but the Toxic Forest (in which the insects live) is lethal to any person that is exposed to its pollens. Despite growing up in these dangerous times, Nausicaa, Princess of the Valley of the Wind, is fearless. She has a talent for keeping the bugs at bay, and often enters the forest to collect resources for her town. With her father, King Jiru, severely ill, the peace and tranquility of The Valley is left in Nausicaa's hands. Intent on saving her father from the forest's toxins that caused his illness, Nausicaa studies the plants and finds that it isn't the forest itself that's toxic, but the soil. From eons of human pollution, the earth has been contaminated. The trees filter the soil and water, but in turn, release the vile chemicals in their spores. Knowing this, Nausicaa vehemently defends the forest from neighboring civilizations that wish to burn the trees. The military cities of Tolumekia and Pejite believe that destroying the trees with eliminate the poison. To do so they plan to resurrect an ancient giant known as The Warrior. The elders of The Valley of the Wind tell Nausicaa that she must not let The Warrior be released, for it will cause a second holocaust which will surely destroy humanity permanently. When an airship from Tolumekia crashes in The Valley, Nausicaa comes face to face with the city's brash leader, Princess Kushana. Through brute force, she invades The Valley, kills King Jiru, and starts to resurrect The Warrior. Kushana wishes not only to burn the forest, but also to destroy her adversary, the Pejites. Incensed by Tolumekia's war-mongering, the Prince of Pejite, Asbel, attempts to destroy Kushana's ship. However, the dogfight turns to chaos as both the Tolumekian and Pejite ships are grounded. With her amazing piloting skills, Nausicaa saves Asbel. Infinitely thankful, he joins her fight to save the forest. Unfortunately, Asbel's people are still divided, and in attempts to wipe out the Tolumekians, they bait the Ohmu insects to attack Kushana's platoon. Knowing Kushana is still stationed in her home town, Nausicaa races in a last ditch effort to stop the insects and prevent The Warrior from gaining force. Seeing the countless Ohmu advancing on her men, Kushana orders The Warrior released. However, her haste causes The Warrior to disintegrate, leaving both the Tolumekians and The Valley peasants without defense. Just as the Ohmu are upon her city, Nausicaa arrives and, with her life at risk, calms the insects. Understanding Nausicaa’s sacrifice, the Ohmu are pacified, and gradually retreat. Review: Yes, the world really needed another Miyazaki tree-hugging wank fest. This is one of his older films, which was recently re-released to the slavering public (I like to call this “Jackie Chan Syndrome”, where film-goers are pelted with the stanky early-works of now-famous directors). As can be expected, the animation is dated –no wait, the other thing… Badly executed. Sure, there are some sequences that were well done, but for the most part I was left wondering, “how did Nausicaa suddenly disappearing from frame get past final cut?”. This film also marks the beginning of what would become Miyazaki’s “signature characters”: designs that are about as exciting as The World Atlas. Fortunately these little nitpicks are completely overshadowed by a plot that makes you sweat, pee and cry granola. Nausicaa is essentially a groovy hippy whacked out on weed and getting her love on for the bugs. I can dig that. But the preaching could really be toned down- especially the bits about humans being horrible, evil creatures that should be destroyed. That hurt my feelings, Miyazaki. I cry. Oh, and pass me the joint already. Now that we’re all toasty, it’s time to rant about the sound track. For the most part, it was as unimpressive as the rest of this lark, but two particular tracks stood out for me. Firstly, that sitar “Ohmu Theme” which would start BLARING jarringly whenever a bug would appear. This paring of crazy Indian music and Ohmu was so overwrought that it made me laugh. And laugh. And laugh so hard that I could barely contain myself when Memorable Song #2 came around -you know the one I’m talking about- The “La la la” song, which has no lyrics, no accompaniment, is sung a cappella by a six year old child, and is used as the final song to wrap up the entire movie. … WHY! Worst ending them ever. EVER. Look, if you really want to see one of Miyazaki’s works that has poignant environmental messages and worthwhile design, watch Princess Mononoke. It’s essentially the same movie as Nausicaä, but with better design and without crazy theories about bug’s anger changing the weather. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Neko no Ongaeshi: Haru, a typical awkward Tokyo schoolgirl is thrust into a magical world, where she learns to believe in herself with the help of some strange new friends. Waking late for school sets the tone for Haru’s day, she’s hurried and unsure as she stumbles through her tasks. By chance she witnesses a cat crossing a road, and realizing it’s in danger of being run over, dashes out and rescues it from the path of an oncoming truck. As she’s recovering from the ordeal, the cat stands up, brushes itself off, and nonchalantly thanks her for saving his life before disappearing. The cat was the Prince of Cats, Lune, and from that point on Haru is harassed by the misguided gifts of his kingdom; mice in gift boxes, a lawn of cattails, catnip, and so on. Each and every one going terrible awry, and causing her more grief. In an attempt to appease her, the King of Cats invites her to the Kingdom of Cats and arranges for her to marry his son, Lune (against her will). A mysterious voice urges her to seek help at the Cat Bureau, where she finds the dashing Baron, a cat toy brought to life, the ornery and obese cat Muta, and the helpful living raven statue Toto. But, before they can assist her, she is abducted by a phalanx of felines and whisked away to their realm. In the Cat Kingdom Haru must resist the temptation to lose herself and give in to this easy and aimless world, and as her will falters she becomes more and more cat like. The Baron dramatically comes to her aid, and with the help of Muta, they defeat the minions of the Cat King and bring Haru back to her home, where she discovers her ordeal has given her a new perspective and sense of confidence. Review: I spent this entire film pulling out my hair at the idiocy of the main character. She’s carried away, against her will, by cats. CATS. This was my first major irritation. The little pity I felt for Haru when I learned her mom was a whore, faded as her “best efforts” to dissuade the cats was politely asking them to stop carrying her away. I reiterate: They’re CATS. Kick them! Struggle! Bite their little faces! But I eventually came to terms that she, indeed, was stuck in the cat kingdom, which was populated by some of the most irritating characters to grace movie history. Muta: Fat, bastardly, and Haru takes it like a bitch. The Baron: A tea-drinking fucker that’s so impossibly dashing that Haru inevitably falls in love with him. Also, he’s probably gay. I mean, he wears ruffles, a mask, and waves off Haru’s proclamation of love with Chicken Soup for the Fuckface advice. Natoru: Sycophantic and so deaf to Haru’s horror of being ripped away from her home, that I wasn’t so much irritated with him, but with her for not PUNCHING HIM. He’s a CAT (yes, that’s the main vein of my complaint). The King: His color scheme is only excusable on Rainbow Bright. Not only did he resemble a pile of clown vomit spectrum-wise, but the lower half of his body seemed to belong to a fat, HUMAN, man. This made no sense, and was never even partially explained. This was an ever present theme of The Cat Returns. Practice it with me: “BUT HOW!”. A perfect example would be, again, the wedding scene, which INEXPLICABLY features Spudz MacKenzie (for those of you out of the loop, that would be the Budweizer DOG). Not only is he full sized, in a kingdom full of cats, but he’s also a DOG… In a kingdom of CATS. I only had fleeting hope when Muta was drowned in a giant vat of Jell-o, destroyed by his own gluttony. I laughed, I actually felt endeared to the film, and held a note of respect for Miyazaki, as Muta’s bloated, Jell-o logged body was carted to Haru’s wedding. Unfortunately: he wasn’t dead. It all went downhill from there; everything ended happily, Lune marries a concubine, and Haru became a lesbian (or, so I assume, since she suddenly had “confidence” and “a short haircut” after being blown off by The Baron cat doll). GAH. The frustration! There wasn’t a single scene of what I was desperate to see: FACE BITING. BITE THEIR LITTLE FACES! Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Neon Genesis Evangelion: A story of Shinji, a boy who has grown up not knowing his mother and forced to pilot giant mecha by his father, whom Shinji wishes desperately to please. The mecha Shinji pilots are called "Eva", they’re part machine and part Lilith- the angel found by a corporation called Nerve. Nerve sends pilots to destroy angels who attack the earth because man became to assertive in the face of god. Shinji’s fellow pilots are a very quiet girl named Rei Ayanami and a viciously competitive German girl named Asuka Langly. Misato is the guardian of Shinji and Asuka since neither has parents that take care of them (Asuka’s mother is dead, but telling the whole story would ruin that portion of the series). Much of the series is Shinji thinking to himself about his life and how others view him. He becomes enlightened at the end of the series. Review: I absolutely recommend this anime. From beginning to end it never ceased to amaze me how well depicted each character was. Asuka, Rei and Shinji all deal with different problems in their lives because none of them have experienced a normal childhood. The animation is absolutely beautiful and very cinematic. This series is philosophical and extremely artistic, it’s for somebody who doesn’t mind thinking at length about the issues brought about by the thoughts of children. The music score is renowned, an amazing mix of classical and new age. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
	New Dominion Tank Police: With the public and government enraged at the amount of damage caused by the Tank Police tactics, Higashi Nada, a private officer and tank expert is sent to investigate New Port’s private sector. Upon meeting him, Leona is uncomfortable around Higashi. But she has little time to dwell on her suspicions, as the city is suddenly attacked by a new ultra-maneuverable weapon. With the ability to easily outrun the tanks, this machine causes mayhem until Leona and Al, in their miniature tank, Bonaparte, corner the new robot. Inside they find none other than Higashi- however, as they report this to the chief, he relates the news that the real Higashi Nada died days ago, and they had been faced with an imposter. This imposter designed the new robot, had his plans stolen by the government, and was out purely for revenge. The following day, Leona receives news that Cheron, her ex-partner from the New Port bike police, has been killed. She immediately insists she take on the investigation personally, but the chief refuses. Incensed, Leona resigns from the Tank Police, and privately begins to follow the clues surrounding Cheron’s death. The only two witnesses, the Puma Twins, describe Cheron’s murderer and Leona tracks him to Dai-Nippon Gaiken Corporation. However, before she can infiltrate the building, she is kidnapped by Mueller, who attempts to brainwash her in the same fashion he had brainwashed Cheron. Mueller tells Leona that Cheron escaped, and hence, was killed to protect the company. Just as the final stages of mind alteration are about to take place, the Tank Police crash the scene and save Leona. Mueller is sent to prison, but Dai-Nippon Gaiken Co. escapes trial. Later that week, Leona and Al are on highway patrol, and stop a run-of-the mill weapons thief. But as they’re making the arrest, a massive truck blows by them, destroying the evidence. Enraged, Leona follows the truck, only to find that the Tank Police and New Port government are already aware of it. This massive truck is carrying an explosive poison and is headed straight for the city’s core. Upon investigation, they find the truck is on auto-pilot and is impossible to hack. Leona takes it on herself to stop the disaster, and boards the truck. In the nick of time the tank police blow the truck’s systems and Leona is able to shut it down. However, Dai-Nippon Gaiken is pleased by this turn of events; the truck was used as a distraction as they shipped weapons to the harbor. The following day the city is under heavy smog alert, and there are very few people on patrol. But in the silence, Bonaparte is stolen by the Puma Sisters. Meanwhile, the Nippon Co. ships in narcotics and devise plans to assassinate the mayor in order to stop her new anti-weapons bill. When Leona learns her tank is missing, she runs out into the night, intent on finding her creation. Al follows, all the while trying to convince Leona that it’s not wise to run around in the high pollution. But soon Leona is on to Bonaparte’s trail, and finds the Puma Sisters making a deal with gangsters. The gangsters wanted the tank for a disk hidden inside, and move to shoot the Puma Sisters now that Bonaparte is in their hands. Leona busts in, taking back her tank and escaping with Al, and the Puma Sisters, who later make an escape of their own. Back at Dai-Nippon Gaiken Co., the CEOs order the return of their disk, which contains their schematics. Meanwhile, ex-executive of the corporation, Coleman, has moved on to the second largest company in New Port: Rockford Enterprises. With the information on the disk, he plans to take over Dai-Nippon and rule the underground weapons market. After seeing Coleman leaving his home and recognizing him as Cheron’s murderer, Leona confronts the man. His bodyguards shoot at her, and Al takes the bullet. With her partner wounded, Leona wants to give up the chase, but Al reminds her that justice must prevail, and he forces himself to continue piloting Bonaparte so Leona can avenge Cheron. Following Coleman to the airport, Leona shoots down his plane in a last ditch effort. With the underground gun trade under control and Dai-Nippon Co. revealed for smuggling drugs, the city returns to a semblance of peace. Al recovers, and Leona once again takes to the streets, intent on tracking down wrong-doers and keeping the city safe with her brash tactics. Review: What the shit WAS this? How did the series’ design get WORSE with time? Did the main animators all break their hands for STD charities, and this sack of crap was the result? Because watching this actually GAVE me the syph. No seriously, I may not have LOVED the original, but at least it was inane enough to keep me interested. This sequel was just boring, confusing, and appeared to be animated by a monkey holding a pencil twixt the cheeks of his ASS. I’ve never thought of the phrase “mind numbing” literally before, but if New Dominion Tank Police did one thing, it made me personally experience the meaning of those words. The plots were so painfully obvious that it caused me physical ANGUISH. Take the Higashi Nada arc for example: they just hired somebody who knows everything about their tanks, now they’re being attacked by somebody who knows everything about their tanks. WHO COULD IT BE?! Add one stupid twist about face-stealing, and you have the first episode. Anthony Hopkins is rolling in his grave. Wait- he’s not dead… At any rate, this idiocy continues on for the full SIX ACTS of excruciating boredom. I suffered through tanks “getting their wheels stuck” (this, folks, is why in real life, tanks run on TREADS, not hamster balls), Leona’s still-rampant technophilia, and a musical score that didn’t even TRY to match the animation. Who the hell plays the piano-solo version of “Do it My Way” during a MASSIVE TANK BATTLE?! For the love of god, stop making Tank Police episodes. No amount of Puma Sister ass cleavage could save this now- so burn it! BURN IT WITH FIRE! Rates: 0/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	New Saga: The Ultra God, a creature born in the world of humans, is believed to be the ultimate end to the civilization of Beasts, Demons and Humans. The coming of the Ultra God will destroy all three dominions and rebuild them under his reign. In attempts to alter the predictions of the Ultra God eliminating their people, the Beasts send the rogue outcast Amano Jyaku to hunt the powerful monster. His first fight is not with the God, but with Demon Queen Genyo. The two duel in an almost jovial manner, understanding one another, for both have been scouring earth for three-hundred years for the Ultra God. The time among humans has come, as boxing champion Ozaki sees a psychic that predicts his malignant cancer will be inexplicably cured. When he questions why, she is unable to answer. However, this night he transforms for the first time, taking the form of Ultra God and taking his first virgin sacrifice. The following morning, Ozaki awakens with no memory of the previous night. Once Ozaki is revealed as the Ultra God, rebels from the Demon and Beast world begin to attack him and his friends, trying to trigger his transformation. Jyaku rushes to each scene, trying to quell the fights and keep Ozaki in human form. But it's difficult to keep Ozaki's rage under check since he has emotional trauma that lead to his rages- as a child he was always the weakest, which lead him to push himself at boxing, testing his physical limits. As his transformations become more frequent and violent, Ozaki cannot control his lust for young women, whom he ultimately kills in each attack. Review: I'm not entirely sure WHY this is a hentai. Yes, there is sex, but it seems to have been tacked on as an afterthought. I suppose nobody was interested in the overdone story of a boy with secret powers... So they made him part of an underground orgy cult. Interesting. No, wait, the other thing. Pointless. Not only was the plot terribly told, but it made no sense even once everything was revealed. There are so many disjointed plot lines that I thought I had accidentally downloaded an episode of something entirely different. But no, it was still Urotsukidoji New Saga, in all it's random glory. With terrible design, the two male protagonists looking exactly the same, and a smattering of random girls, it's difficult to pin point who you're supposed to remember, and who's an extra. The animation is also sub par, and the design is down right BAD. None of the characters follow the same style. They all seemed to come from DIFFERENT anime. You have some shojou looking boys, some demons from Devil Man, and a hideous little familiar that disturbingly resembles something American Animation would concoct. In a word, this anime was simply too severe. The plot was severely random, the drawing style severely different, the sex severely kinky, and the use of 3D animation severely retarded. New Saga simply fails at being a hentai- and when the curriculum only includes "show lots of boobies", that's a pretty sad defeat. I found it seriously hard to be aroused by this tripe. The first scene features a girl trying to seduce a comatose guy during an orgy, which was frightfully uneventful. The second, and FINAL sex scene is a huge bug creature that rends a girl in two with his bugwang... Perhaps I'm just old fashioned, but that just seems a little SEVERE. But if your kink is snuff, hospital fare, and a little Lolita monster fetish on the side- perhaps you'll be able to skip through Urotsukidoji New Saga's heinous plot and enjoy the scary bonking (and slicing). Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	NieA Under Seven: Aliens have landed on earth, but the entire affair has left Tokyo essentially unchanged. The one exception is the life of Mayu, a hard working student who faces life the tough way. She lives on her own, works several low-pay jobs to make due, goes to both college and cram school. However, this life is made all the more unmanageable by NieA, an alien who started living in Mayu’s closet when the invasion first took place. NieA’s selfish tendencies drain Mayu’s energy and her food supplies, but she never despairs, instead Mayu chooses to press on in order to succeed for the memory of her father. Review: Though the setting is a gritty and sombre realism of the struggling student, NieA Under Seven is anything but dramatic. The face-faults, constant yelling between characters, elaborate chases, construction of garbage UFOs by NieA, and Mayu’s resulting comical reaction has this anime pull the odd laugh from the audience. But despite this, I wouldn’t consider it a comedy in the usual sense. It’s more like a series of unfortunate events that are so disheartening, one can’t help but laugh ironically. The character design isn’t terrible, but it’s forgettable as the personalities themselves. The characters featured are too extreme to relate with, which makes the anime sometimes drag on. For those out to see a flight of fancy, this pragmatic anime is probably not for you. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Nightwalker, Midnight Detective: Disk One First Night: A Visitor in the Night A "night breed" has been attacking drivers on the Bay Bridge. Terrible accidents have been caused, but the regular city police don’t know the culprit. Ms. Yayoi Matsunaga and Shido from the NOS institution, however, know a demon is responsible. This monster wishes to find a body to possess in order to live in the light. Meanwhile, Shido's young secretary Riho is trying to win his affections, only to be outdone several times by Yayoi. She and Shido keep leaving the office together, speaking of "great feasts", much to Riho's dismay. Shido, However, needs Yayoi as a source of blood, because he is a vampire. In the end, Riho learns of the Bay Bridge accidents, and leaves to take care of it herself to impress Shido. But she becomes possessed by the demon, and Shido must battle both her and the monster. Though she discovers her boss' vampirism, Riho continues to work for him, forgiving him for what she had thought before to be an affair with Yayoi. Second Night: The Terms of Stardom Yukie Tsukimura, a popular stage actress gains her power from a night breed that feeds on the wishes of humans. In trade, the possessed mortal needs to feed on flesh. However, before Yukie can reach her peak performance, her understudy, Yoko, discovers her secret and invites the demon within Yukie to take possession of her instead. After losing the talent given to her by the demon, Yukie commits suicide and Yoko becomes to star of the show. She takes no heed of the warning Yukie gave before her death- that Yoko couldn't possibly handle this demon. Yoko is disgusted by her sudden urges to eat flesh, but is so concerned with outdoing her predecessor, she swears she will do whatever it takes to remain the best actress. Shido easily solves the mystery behind Yukie's alleged suicide, and warns Yoko that if she kills a human, he will have no quarrels with killing her. Not a day later, Yoko is assigned an understudy due to her frequent absences from the play. The girl is soon found dead, and Shido takes after the night breed and, after recovering from a first attack by the creature, destroys both it and Yoko. Third Night: A Man on the run A police officer is shot by a bank robber, but survives the head-wound. But within hours of surgery, the man is possessed, and to the confusion of the doctors, leaves the hospital without a trace. The police pursue him, hoping to take him in as a specimen of night breeds so they can compete with NOS in the fight against demons. Meanwhile, Shido has been having visions of his sire, Cain, who tells Shido it is his duty to bear witness to the Golden Dawn. It's starting to affect Shido's performance as a detective, not only because the apparitions distract him, but because Cain himself appears to be following in the shadows. When Ms. Megumi, Ryuichi's fiancée, comes to Shido asking for him to find Taki before the authorities do, Shido accepts and chases the possessed policeman into unused subway lines. Here he nearly dispatches Taki Ryuichi, but before he can strike the killing blow, Ms. Megumi shoots Shido and escapes with her fiancé. Before Shido can follow Cain causes a collapse in the tunnel. He tells Shido to drop the case. During the day, the police corner Ryuichi and his fiancée on a rooftop and he is shot. Taki plummets to the street below, where he escapes into the subway and is confronted by Shido, who stabs him. Much to Shido's surprise and worry, Ryuichi doesn't turn back into a night breed when he dies; he dies as a human. Fourth Night: The Golden Dawn Megumi Ohtsuka is pregnant with Taki's child, which she conceived while he was possessed. Thus, NOS captures her. In addition to this, slashing attacks have been occurring, and the culprit is unknown, but even the police know it's a night breed behind the killing. Shido, Yayoi and Riho discuss the matter of Megumi's baby, saying it will be a cross breed. They wonder if she is connected to the recent slashing. This leads Shido to understand that the Golden Dawn Cain spoke of refers to the child that will be born- half night breed, half human. Cain then appears, applauding Shido for finally understanding, and invites him back to the side of immortals, but Shido won't leave his human friends. Shido and Yayoi intercept the police on the road, and try to take Megumi back, but in the process Shido harms one of the police. He retreats to a cathedral with Megumi, but he is wrought with grief for becoming what he had been avoiding for years. Cain then appears to scold him for his empathy, and invites him to witness the Golden Dawn. He tries to hypnotize Shido, and make him remember his long-lost memories of Transylvania, when their love was mutual. However, Shido still refuses, until Cain reveals that he has captured Riho. He slashes her, saying she will bleed to death within hours. Enraged, Shido attacks Cain, and after a difficult fight, beheads him. Shido no longer cares about his past memories that only Cain held. Upon returning to the cathedral, he finds Riho is still dying, and nothing can save her. She begs for him to make her a vampire so they can be together forever. He does so, but tells her that even though she vehemently denies it now, one day she will hate him, as he came to hate Cain. Fifth Night: Medicine for the Dead Mikako and Shunichi, Riho's friends are worried about her sudden disappearance, but their concern is distracted by a suicide at the school. It's blamed on a new drug that's popular among the female students. The investigation is taken up by NOS as well as Shido because it's suspected the pills are making mindless zombies out of those who take them, readymade hosts for night-breed possession. Meanwhile, Riho struggles with her newfound immortality and with abandoning her friends. She knows she must be apart from them now, but they're worried about her and insist to know what's going on. Eventually, after she saves Shunichi from a night breed, and he discovers what Riho really is, finally understanding why she has to disappear from his life. Sixth Night: The Bottom of a Well While in pursuit of a night breed, Shido, a captive little girl, and the demon fall down a well, where they become trapped. Riho, back with Yayoi in the detective's office, blames herself for being a burden because she can't fully use her powers. Back in the well, the night-breed (in a possessed body) is pinned to the wall by one of Shido's blood swords. All three, Shido, the demon, and the girl, are suffering from hunger and exhaustion. Unfortunately this night-breed is very talkative, and taunts Shido by comparing vampires to night-breeds, and he attempts several times to get Shido to suck the girl’s blood. During this time Shido has flashbacks of his past, when he was human, planning to go study medicine abroad and return to a wife and her (not his) child. However, Cain tempts him with eternity, which he accepts, and ends up killing his family, except the small girl who survives. Cain tells Shido to make her a vampire, which he does, and regrets it because the girl wished to join her mother in death, not live on eternally. She jumps into the sunlight and turns to dust. In present time, Shido punctures the well and it fills up with water so he can escape. The demon is defeated, but just as he's saving the young girl, Yayoi and Riho tell him to get away from her- she turns out to be a 500 year old vampire, thanks Shido for the "show" he put on, and disappears. Review: Shido's back-story had me in stitches- Several scenes were nearly exactly like those in Interview with a Vampire- right down to Shido's master playing the piano when he confronts him after they've been separated. Without a choice, Shido was made a vampire, and because of his greif, still retains his human heart. So if you're an Ann Rice fan, you'll love this series. The music score, though it has its moments, isn't spectacular, but it does fit the mood of the film. Animation and art-wise, Nightwalker is awesome. Though the specific character quality varies from episode to episode, the overall effect is wonderful, particularly Shido's flash-backs to his past life with Cain. What I found odd, though, was that the character designs suddenly changed after the episode where Shido defeats Cain. Not drastically, but hair-length, color, and so forth is suddenly different, and remains so, even for flash backs. It's nothing that can't be overlooked, however. I personally prefer the second designs over the first. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: Six episodes with different missions on each.
	Nightwalker, Eternal Darkness: Disk Two Seventh Night: A Mother and her Son While enjoying a rainy day, Riho meets a young boy named Shinji, who's sheltering a stray kitten. He wants to take it home, but his mother forbids him to have animals, and when she finds him and Riho with the cat, she violently takes it away. A case has developed for Yayoi from NOS about animals that have been systematically gutted by the same apartment complex in which Shinji lives. Shido is reluctant to take the case, saying that low-class breeds like those who kill animals are hard to deal with. Sure enough, when he confronts the mother, it is not her w