Gongaga Yaoi: Review

For Garou Densetsu: The Motion Picture: See Fatal Fury Movie
For Gedo Senki: See Tales from Earthsea
For Ghost Talker's Daydream: See Vulgar Ghost Daydream
For Gunnm: See Battle Angel Alita
For Hagane no Renkinjutsushi: See Full Metal Alchemist
For Hearts in Ice: See Sailor Moon S Movie
For Hide and Seek: See KakuRenBo
For Hokuto no Ken: See Fist of the North Star
For Honneamise: See Wings of Honneamise
For Honoo no Mirage: See Mirage of Blaze
For Honoo no Rabirinsu: See Labyrinth of Flames
For Hotaru no Haka: See Grave of the Fireflies
For Houhokekyo Tonari no Yamada-kun: See My Neighbors the Yamadas
For Houma Hunter Lime: See Jewel Bem Hunter Lime
For Hyper Combat Unit Dangaioh: See Dangaioh
For Hyper Future Vision Gunnm: See Battle Angel Alita
For Immoral Sisters: See Ai Shimai
For Inju Gakuen La Blue Girl: See La blue Girl
For Injuh Alien: See Alien from the Darkness
For Inosensu, Kokaku Kidotai: See Ghost in the Shell 2
For Inu-Yasha, The Love that Transcends Time: See Inu-Yasha: Jidai wo Koeru Omoi
For Inu-Yasha, The Dream Castle in the Mirror: See Inu-Yasha: Kagami no Naka no Mugenjou
For Inu-Yasha, Castle Beyond the Looking Glass: See Inu-Yasha: Kagami no Naka no Mugenjou

G
	Gaiking: Sanshiro Tsuwabuki has waited his entire life to become a major league pitcher. But just as he has the chance to make a name for himself in the major league, his wrist is mysteriously broken. Depressed that he's unable to throw a ball even twenty feet, Sanshiro finds he has no purpose in life. Luckily, just as he's at his lowest, Sanshiro is confronted by his old comrades, who invite him to pilot the great mecha Gaiking. They explain that his wrist was broken by the Zelans. These aliens are psychic monsters that had their home planet destroyed by a black hole and have now focused their sights on Earth. Itching for revenge, Sanshiro agrees, and due to his amazing dexterity, becomes a talented pilot. With the help of Dr. Daimonji's second robot, Daiku Maryu, the giant blue dragon, Sanshiro and his friends beat back the Zelans and their leader, Black Darius. Review: Baseball analogies? Fighting robots? Completely un-slashable old men? Something tells me this is not aimed at my demographic. Not to say that a rampant Power Rangers fan wouldn't love this. But despite its campy charm, I must sufficiently ream Gaiking for the scientific inconsistencies- such as Nuclear explosion GLASSES. It's not an eclipse, guys, it's gamma radiation up your ass. (The goggles, they do nothing!) The science isn't the only thing that's lagging. There's A LOT of reused scenes and the animation itself shows its age. And, quite honestly, the characters were shit back then, and time has not changed their appeal (such as Darius' crazy mouth-on-forehead design. Wtf!). Though clunky and unwieldy robots were 80's fashion, that doesn't make them any less irritating. I also found the pacing a bit slow- Fight, fight, discussion of mechanics, fight, fight, let the obligatory female character PMS over feelings, fight, fight. There's no clear end or goal. For something that's supposedly aimed at kids, this could have been a lot shorter- but maybe that's just my modern-day ADHD talking. Rates: 2.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Gakuen Heaven: Ito Keita has always been average, save for a lucky streak and a contagious smile. As he takes these two traits for granted, Keita is flabbergasted when he receives an entrance letter to the prestigious Bell Liberty Academy, a school catering to exceptionally gifted boys. Though he’s unsure of himself and secretly believes the invitation is a mistake, Keita gains a bit of confidence when he’s personally escorted to school by Niwa Tetsuya, the gregarious and outspoken school president. Upon arriving at the school, Kazuki Endo offers to help get Keita settled, as they’re room neighbors. Keita accepts gratefully, as the campus is sprawling and Kazuki is already acquainted with it. Feeling as if he’s met Kazuki before, he and Keita become fast friends, and Kazuki is always there to bail Keita out of tense situations with the “colorful” students at Bell Liberty: the terse dorm leader/star archer, Shinomiya; the aloof treasurer, Saionji Kaoru; the taciturn yet kind painter, Iwa; the school’s super-energetic and cheeky delivery boy, Shunsuke; the stuck up and conniving twins, Kakeru and Wataru; and their tennis captain, Naruse. The latter is the most outspoken upon Keita’s arrival, as he immediately develops a crush on the new pupil, calls him “honey”, and repeatedly asks him out on dates. Keita awkwardly, yet politely refuses. But Bell Liberty isn’t all jokes and amusing characters, as Keita soon finds out when his best friend often goes missing for days at a time. Kazuki claims it’s all for club activities, but when Keita is brought in to Vice President Kuganuma’s office and asked to voluntarily leave the school due to his lack of skill, Keita starts to feel there’s much more going on behind the scenes than a regular school council. He pleads with Kazuki to be frank with him, but the older boy remains quiet on the subject of school board matters, and instead encourages Keita to plead his case to the school’s chairman. Eventually, Keita does so, and to give him an opportunity to prove his worth, a school competition called the MVP Battle is held. Keita and Kazuki pair up, and with the former’s luck, they’re able to solve the competition’s riddles and rank first place despite suspicious disruptions from hired guards. Though he’s happy to have won, Keita can’t let Kazuki’s deception go on. He confronts the other boy about his mysterious scholarship, Kazuki’s absences, and the half-memories that plague him whenever he’s with his friend. Eventually, Kazuki relents, and admits that he’s the school chairman, and has been acting as a student this whole time. He and Keita were childhood friends, and at that time, made a promise to one day attend school together. When Kazuki’s father passed away, he took over the company, and overthrew the board in order to enroll Keita, which angered the vice president, Kuganuma. Kuganuma was so irate, that he attempted to have Keita removed in order to assert his power. Once he is made aware of this treachery, Kazuki has Kuganuma fired. Keita is so moved by his friend’s devotion, that he forgives him, and also begins to see that Kazuki’s feelings go beyond friendship. With the school at peace, Kazuki finally admits that he’s in love with Keita. Review: We all know I’m mad for boyluv. I can take a lot of longing glances, soliloquies among the sakura petals, even entire story arcs with nothing but a near-miss-kiss…But, man oh man, this is just way TOO much. Flowery BGs? A Teddy Bear mascot? Piano solo music? Beautiful boys nancing around in water and drinking herbal teas? If this were all women, it would be the biggest porn parade around, but as they’re men exchanging coquettish gazes and subtle nuance, it just turns out to be really UNCOMFORTABLE. Where are the manly men? Apparently BL Academy shot them all- or maybe being a flaming queen is as a prerequisite to entry. Gakuen Heaven is GAY- and not in the delicious boy/boy action way, either. EVERYBODY has a boneration for Keita, and yet nobody does anything except flippantly make passes at him in various inappropriate situations. What makes this weird isn’t that the entire school wants to pork the new kid –hey, it’s boarding school and fresh meat is delicious- it’s that he’s completely blank or vaguely uneasy through all of it. Apparently, he hasn’t learned the subtle art of INSTANT ENAMOURATION. But in all seriousness, it’s this weird dynamic that makes Gakuen Heaven a bit hard to watch- it’s not the type of series that has you clicking one episode after the other just to see what happens, because nothing ever DOES happen. The characters are so one-dimensional, and the plots without any real advancement, that you could watch pretty much any random episode and get the gist of what’s going on. It’s the sort of thing at home in character-driven comedy, but the only kind of laughing I ever did was the awkward type in vicarious embarrassment for everybody. In addition to the plot being meandering and pointless, there isn’t any actual drive between the character relationships. Yah, they’re all fairies, and at first I was sure Keita would end up being the school slut, but NOTHING ever happens. This could have been a three episode OAV, and it still would have been too long. If anything, as the series progresses, the boy love declines until you’re unsure of whether or not they’re just good friends or brothers or just a bit socially awkward- the only thing you’re SURE of is that they’ll never do the double sausage disco. With all hope lost of seeing any hot man action, you’re forced to pay attention to the story, which is just fucking stupid. The school chairman is a talking teddy bear. I shit you not- it gives orders, does paper work, talks in a frustratingly cutesy voice, and generally makes you want to take a rake to your face in the dizzy hope that the pain will help you forget. And what’s with the vice principal? Why is he SO EVIL?? This guy is like Dr. Fucking Claw of the school board- he holds a school competition, which is essentially just a really LONG and TEDIOUS scavenger hunt, then hires a platoon of assassins simply to try and kill Keita during said tournament. WHAT. Not only is that the most roundabout way of killing a TEENAGE BOY, it’s out of character for both the story and principals everywhere. We all know schools can’t afford chalk, let alone assassins. And the whole time, he watches diabolically from his system of webcams around the school, laughing manically when this kid’s in danger, and cursing the heavens when he inevitably wins. Vice Dude, you are FORTY. Go play some fucking golf, read about diverse portfolios, beat your wife- I don’t care, but there are easier and less retarded ways to get a kid out of your school. ~* EXPULSION~ it’s the new murder! Also, why didn’t Kazuki just TELL Keita about their past friendship from the beginning? They never explained why he didn’t just go up on the first day and say, “hay, I’m the chairman, don’t tell anybody because I pose as a student. I’m your good ol’ friend, and I brought you here because I’ve wanted to bone you since you were six”. But I guess then, there wouldn’t be a series- or else, it would have involved a lot more naked romps in the cafeteria meat locker. … Which, seriously, would have been so much better. Honestly, by episode 12 of 13, I was convinced this whole thing would go nowhere, and I would be forced to smash my DVD player in a fit of angry German fury- but then they went and crammed all the tension, yaoi, and kissing into the last episode… Did the first focus group go on a homicidal rampage, so they tacked this one to quell the fangirls? Save yourself the pain and suffering of the first ten episodes, watch the last three, and rejoice at how cute Keita and Kazuki are when they finally kiss. After a couple of episodes of waiting, it’s cute- after TWELVE? NO. Nothing they can do will ever make up for that fucking endless SCAVENGER HUNT. Or the NAUSEATING MUSIC (Oh, is that Emotional Piano Solo #5 again?! Fuck ya, I wanted to hear that one!), or the bland/hideous designs (Lush eyelashes do not make up for their GIANT SQUARE BODIES), or, worst of all- the nearly complete lack of animation. Whenever something requires a lot of animation, they use still-frame dissolves. FRAME DISLOVES. THIS IS NOT A POWER POINT PRESENATION. It would have been hotter watching a slideshow of Deviant Art’s yaoi section. Rates: 1.5/5 Tapes*: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Gankutsuou, Count of Monte Cristo: While enjoying the resplendent and hedonistic celebration of Carnivale on the moon colony of Luna, a young scion called Albert Morcef is captured and held for ransom; unable to afford the insurmountable sum and fearing for his dear friend's life Franz Villefort must turn to a very recent and wealthy acquaintance; The Count of Monte Cristo. Thusly saved, and emboldened by his brush with danger, Albert seeks to repair the services of the Count by introducing him to the Parisian nobility; wealthy bank magnate Danglar, Royal Prosecutor Villefort and Grand General of the Empire's Army (and Albert's father) Morcef. While the Count is well received his extreme wealth, exotic appearance and charismatic disregard for conventional behavior attracts both suspicion and intrigue. While Albert continues to defend his new confidant from gossip and vague sinister accusations, disruption follows in the Count's wake. Danglars falls victim to a sudden and vicious change in the markets, losing his entire fortune, and must marry his daughter to a vile and mysterious suitor of great wealth. Villefort finds his wife guilty of an attempt on the life of his daughter, and his own, before being arrested himself for attempted murder. And the General Morcef, poised on the brink of a Presidential victory, is unmasked as a fraudulent noble with a bloody past by the Princess of a sovereign nation he had overthrown and destroyed by a military dictatorship, utterly ruining him. Realizing at last the Count's guilt in the Machiavellian orchestration of these terrible events, with the help of his friend Franz's investigations into the matter, Albert challenges the Count of Monte Cristo to a duel. As an act of compassion for his beloved companion, Franz drugs Albert and takes his place at the duel, disguised by the armor he wears for combat, and ultimately sacrifices himself. His best friend murdered, his family and compatriots ruined, and the world erupting in a coup de ta't under orders from his enraged father, Albert confronts the Count and discovers the terrible well of hatred and vengeance in him comes from a betrayal that destroyed his life, ripped him from the arms of the woman he loved (Albert's own mother), and sentenced him to a lifetime of imprisonment under false charges. With the power of love and forgiveness, and the realization that his beloved had always remained innocent of his plight, the Count manages to release himself from the curse of his hatred and regain his humanity - at the cost of his life. Review: The PATTERNS. In the first five seconds, you'll notice Gankutsuo has an unique look. And by “unique” I mean slightly nauseating. It's like a scrapbooker went mad with wallpaper from the 60's, and not an inch of characters or scenery was spared. Even their hair is ALIVE with STYLE. But within the first two episodes, you'll get used to it, and move right along. Unlike so many other series that try to cover up shittiness with Hot New Technology, the core art of this OAV is actually fantastic. I'll give a special reviewer's nod to the character acting and expressions, which are brilliantly done. The subtlety in The Count's acting is uncanny. The 3D elements are hit and miss- some are tolerable (yes, even for me), but others just parade around like a drunken computer graphics whore screaming for attention. Visually, it's really a mixed bag of mixed media, and I can't say everybody will like it. Luckily, I can divine by the powers of fangirl who will like this movie. The cards never lie... There is a cross-dresser in the first episode who seduces Albert. The Count is a sensual vampire that takes every opportunity to touch on young lads. Albert and Franz have a very “special” relationship, so special, in fact, that the latter is completely uninterested in women. You don't need to be a mathematician to see 1 + 1 = bumlove. Gankutsuo is RIPE for slash, from longing looks to near-kisses, it's to the point that I wouldn't recommend somebody who ISN'T into yaoi [or, at the very least, have a special place in your heart for gladiator movies] to watch this. However, man-musings aside, the plot is gripping; if you can set aside time to watch the whole 24 episodes in one chunk, it's absolutely doable. Otherwise, you'll be skipping out of work early, making up excuses to ditch friends, funerals, and all you can eat chicken-wing night just to watch. Gankutsuo is the taboo of wealth, opulence and influence at its best. They have a taste of every type of aristocrat: Mme Danglars, the money hungry trophy wife, her past dark affairs with her fellow nobles, Mme Villefort, second wife to the Crown Prosecutor, hates her adopted daughter, and is encouraged by the count to poison her, Count Morcef, the plebeian who bought his way into high society. Oh it's fun to watch rich people being naughty! The sheer scope of these people's privileged lives is cause for attention, but The Count brings it to the next level with this giant GOLDEN palace on a SHIP under the city. Let that sink in for a moment. That said, if you're looking at the subtitle “Count of Monte Cristo”, and eying your English homework hopefully, stop. This anime is based on the book in only the vaguest sense of the term. If you wrote an essay after watching this, your teacher would think you were riding the rainbow train to acid town. She would also fail you for thinking there were moon colonies and giant mechs included in the original text. The novel is a sad and slightly boring tale [well, in comparison] of a rustic man imprisoned by his wealthy friend out of jealousy. Doesn't quite have the punch of BLASTING OFF INTO OUTER SPACE WITH A VAMPIRE, but to each his own. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Gantz: Kurono Kei leads a relatively normal teenage life; he attends school, during which he thinks mainly of naked women, then returns home to his porno-adorned apartment. As a child, Kei was boisterous and adventurous, but adolescence put those qualities on the back burner, and he appears to most as lax and apathetic. Returning home one day, Kei sees his childhood friend, Katou Masaru. Suddenly, a homeless man falls onto the subway tracks, and Katou immediately jumps down to save the man. But he’s too weak on his own to lift the vagrant. Looking to the platform for aid, Katou spots Kei and begs him for help. Feeling pressured into it, Kei grudgingly descends and hauls the homeless man off. But before the two boys can get away, they’re hit by the arriving subway. Kei appears in a room with several other people and a mysterious technological sphere that’s identified as “Gantz”. Though Kei pays little attention to the other arrivals, he’s quite taken with a busty naked girl who materializes on his lap (he realizes she committed suicide, from the blood on her wrists; but her wounds no longer exist in the Gantz Room). The girl introduces herself as Kishimoto Kei. After some introductions are made between the arrivals, Gantz interrupts and displays orders for those present: a screen on the sphere informs them their new lives are property of Gantz, and they will be fighting aliens. The people in the room, believing themselves dead, are skeptical and confused, but start to take the order seriously when they’re given special suits and guns to use against the aliens. As the suits require being complete nude to put them on, the only person who manages to don one is Kei (not even Kishimoto, who accepts Katou’s jacket for clothing). One by one, the people are teleported out of the Gantz Room and back into the real world. Some immediately take off, believing themselves free; but others soon realize that not only is there a radius they cannot cross (without dying), but no living person can see them, hear them, or be communicated with by other means. Reasoning they have nothing to lose, the group tracks down the alien and kills it. Because the alien appears to be young and innocent, Katou, Kei and Kishimoto are horrified by its death, and refuse to fight. But the others are bent on finishing the mission, now that they’ve seen the guns in action. One more alien appears, the older brother of the first. This alien is larger and wields dangerous blades that brutally slice apart those who attack him. Too afraid to fight and reluctant to shoot and become killers, Kishimoto, Katou and Kei run away. But the alien chases them, and in the fray, cuts off Katou’s hand. Kei is horrified and attempts to fight the alien on his own. Since he’s wearing Gantz Suit, he’s able to dodge the blades and take minimal damage. Without a word, one of the only remaining “players” in the Gantz Game appears out of nowhere. Joichiro Nishi shots the alien with a gun which immediately teleports it away. He looks at a communicator and announces their time is up, and admits derisive surprise that others survived this time, even Katou who he says will have his hand replaced by Gantz when they return. Though Nishi is extremely stingy with information, he reveals that he’s been with Gantz for a year, and reaching 100 points is the key to being freed. He also compliments Kei’s intelligence for putting on the suit, and confirms that the suits are the key to surviving against the aliens, as they give super strength and constitution (so long as you don’t take too many major hits). However, Gantz awards points in an unpredictable fashion, so one’s release is an uncertain thing. Though the participants that survive the Gantz Sessions are allowed to leave and go back to their lives, they’re randomly called back to the Gantz Room and forced to fight once more (each time becoming more difficult). The second time Kei, Kishimoto and Katou are recalled they’re joined by a fresh batch of newly dead people. Taking the lead, Katou tries to explain what’s going on and the importance of taking guns and donning the suits. But the newly dead people are skeptical and some outright dismiss him. Nishi reprimands Katou for educating the others; he believes it’s survival of the fittest, and if they can’t figure it out on their own, they shouldn’t be allowed to survive and gain points that could otherwise be his. Katou is more humanitarian and forces everybody to don the suits. But the alien this time is not only much more powerful, but more numerous. Upon fighting the first of many bird-like aliens, Nishi is killed, cutting off all information about Gantz, and leaving Kei, Katou and Kishimoto to continue on by the skin of their teeth, luck, and trying desperately to get each group of newly dead to work with them before leaving the Gantz Room. Review: Gantz was one of those series that really evolves, and it’s not until around episode 18 that it really gets going. Until then, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be literally screaming at the characters to DO SOMETHING. Gantz tries to initially be dramatic, when there’s no drama whatsoever, so it just ends up being extremely frustrating as the characters take AGES to decide even the most blatantly obvious things. People are in mid-peril, and everybody just STANDS AROUND saying “we should help him/her”, while doing absolutely nothing. Eventually, somebody will crack, run dramatically up to the monster, draw his/her gun, then STOP and STAND AROUND SOME MORE, either for no reason, or because of the ethical repercussions of killing another creature. See, if I had just witnessed somebody getting their eyes BLOWN OUT by a monster, and dying in a horrible way, I would be firing willy-nilly into the fray, with no regard for lives other than my own. Until seeing this, I assumed Fight or Flight was a basic human reaction that all people possessed. Either the writers of Gantz have never been in a life or death situation, or THEY’RE crazy space aliens. Gantz has two other failings that persist throughout the series: bad 3D animation (‘nuff said), and a constant inner dialogue for ALL characters (not just the protagonist). The internal thoughts are so painfully obvious, I have no idea why they felt the need to make them part of the series. We KNOW their scared, that’s why the characters are sitting around shitting themselves while their friends get killed. We don’t need an echoing mind-voice declaring “I’M SCARED”. That said, despite being rip-roaring mad at the characters for being so indecisive and slow-to-fire, I flew through the series. It was absolutely compelling to watch because the characters (while EXCRUCIATINGLY irritating) were really engaging. Or perhaps it’s just that the prolonged lack of action made it SO satisfying when something DID happen that I continuously went back for more of that dizzy high of Characters Not Standing Around Pointlessly (much like when you finally stop hitting yourself in the face with a hammer, and the slight abating of pain is so amazing). The other up side to Gantz were the few segments in between alien fighting, which unfolded like a nice coming-of-age drama; these bits of Kei’s normal life will definitely get you through the first dozen slow-going episodes, but after that, thankfully, the series really carries itself. Unfortunately, the interest garnered after the mid-point of Gantz is purely from the SHOCK of main characters dying in horrific ways. I shan’t spoil it overtly (which I’ve done in the past for other anime, but this one was just so GOOD… and BAD... and WEIRD. Just watch it-) but will go so far as to say GRAPHIC death by acid and decapitation is involved. It’s really not for the faint of heart. Even as somebody who browses Ogrish now and then, I couldn’t help but flinch a little at that particular demise. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Garzey's Wing: Since returning from America, Chris has suffered fevers and strange abilities. He tries to go about his life normally, and after failing his college entrance exams, decides to party with his friends at a class reunion. But while driving to meet them, he sees wings appear aside his motorcycle, and Chris' soul is whisked away to another world. He's found by the Metomueso tribe, a group of slaves who have revolted against their tyrannical owners, and have escaped to find the magical Banju tree that will aid their plight. The Metomueso instantly trust Chris, believing he is their savior because of the spectral wings, which they call "Garzey's Wing" that appear on him. Bewildered and afraid of the bloody war he's been thrust into, Chris finds solace being able to speak with his other self through a mystical necklace both his bodies possess. However, this talisman not only connects the two mentally, but physically as well. Though present-day Chris attempts to help his soul by researching and explaining how to use gunpowder and tactically fight enemies, he suffers all the damages inflicted on his soul during the battle. With the help of the villagers, Chris begins to act as a leader, and uses his knowledge of chemistry to aid their escape. Meanwhile, in present-day, Chris' girlfriend looks over him, bewildered by the injuries that mysteriously appear on him. She believes the story about his soul being in another world, and together they seek out Garzey's Wing for themselves. Review: I’d form an opinion on this if I could understand it, or perhaps, if it had actually ended. Picture the plot of Lord of the Rings (the characters, races, locations, and the plethora of fantastical jargon) all summarized in twenty minutes. Within seconds of the anime beginning, Chris is hurtled off his motorcycle, and through a crazy Technicolor time warp, into another cosmos largely populated by dinosaurs (though they have some jabberwocky name), flying lizards (again, dubbed ridiculously), and two warring clans entrenched in a century-long feud. All this is explained not in one bland narration, but in a crazy rapid-fire manner between battles, fleeing, the enemy’s point of view, and endless exposition from Chris. Honestly, this guy can’t squeak out a fart without yelling about it in detail. Exposition works in books, it does not work in movies; this is a fact Garzey’s Wing shouldn’t have ignored. The chaotic and feverishly presented plot aside, nothing else saves Garzey’s Wing. The designs, while sound, were bland and uninteresting. The music was forgettable (to the point that I don’t actually recall any musical score whatsoever), and the animation was consent, yet sub par (read; pans, jerky movement, the usually slurry of try-hard fantasy.) Garzey’s Wing was truly and unremarkable production made horrible by its furious attempt at having a “rich plot” in three episodes. I’d like to end off with mention of the dub- it deservers honors for making this shitstorm laughable. Watch the original: boring. Watch the dub: hilarious. The dubbed voice acting is so rapid, with such lack of emotion, it made their mechanical proclamations of -“he is found in Ojabajiba, good sir! Across the Kabadoboo Mountain my friend, yes!”- one big laugh fest. The dub really sounds like the Japanese writers translated it and nobody bothered to clean up the sloppy Engrish. I leave you with some memorable dub quotes (keep in mind, all spoke in rapid, monotone): “Damn! They’re using torches!” – The army when spotting the enemy’s “secret weapon” “I’d live with you if you had a convenience store.” – Chris to his fairy friend “Oh god!!! I feel as if I was having a dream!” – Present-day Chris “I’m stuck in the past. I am bruised because I fought naked. My sword is very dull!” – Past Chris to Present-day Chris “I will go to the party. It will be good for my current mental state.” – Present-day Chris (despite his soul being stuck in another dimension, he goes to hang out with his friends at a pool party- WHAT.) “Don’t be afraid, it’s just a motley bunch.” – The rebels being attacked Rates: 0.5/5 Tapes: 3 Episode OAV.
	New Getter Robo: Professor Saotome is head of a research group which developed the mecha fighter, Getter Robo. In order to quell the rising demon forces attempting to invade earth, Saotome sends fleets of mecha-clad pilots to fight the unholy menace. However, none are strong enough to wield Getter Robo. Intent on keeping his pet project alive, even more so than saving humanity, the Professor seeks out worthy pilots. First on his list is Ryoma Nagare, a rough martial arts teacher who's perpetually broke. Knowing Ryoma is too bull-headed to come willingly, Saotome drugs him and throws him into the fray with attacking demons. Although he manages to dispatch quite a few through hands on combat alone, their leader is massive, and a force to be reckoned with. Driven by the threat, Ryoma agrees to pilot Getter Robo, and though he has no experience, the fighting is intuitive to him, and he's victorious. Professor Saotome is pleased by his discovery of his first true pilot, but requires three men in total to properly operate his invention. The next candidate is Hayato Jin, a psychopathic hacker who leads a gang bent on uncovering government secrets. With no empathy for other people, Jin proves difficult to persuade, and next to impossible to control. When Professor Saotome lures him to the lab with promise of top secret weapons, Jin finds himself tricked into being co-pilot of Getter Robo in yet another battle. Throughout the fight, Jin is terrified of the fast pace, the lack of control, and immediate danger. However, the enemy proves more agile than brutal, and Professor Saotome tells Ryoma to switch the Getter into Mode 2, which is much faster, but puts Jin in control. Although Ryoma is hesitant to let a lunatic have that much power, he obeys, and Jin immediately rips apart their opponent. However, he doesn't stop there. Overcome with blood lust and power, he pilots Getter toward the lab, intent on annihilating all within. He only stops when Ryoma, defying reason, climbs out of the cockpit while Getter is in flight, and punches Jin unconscious. As Jin is put into isolation before he regains his faculties, Ryoma is left to wonder why he has been partnered with a complete psychopath. Meanwhile, Benkei Musashibou, a student monk at a temple on Mt. Otoe, finds his master and fellow pupils are acting strangely; they've suddenly begun to transform into demons. Although Benkei is an ogre of a man, he's very gentle, and respects his master unquestioningly. Seeing the man who taught him the values of Buddah and freed him of a life of sin being devoured by unholy spirits horrifies Benkei, and unable to face the threat, he runs away. The following day, Ryoma is piloting above the Otoe mountains when his plane loses power and he's forced to make an emergency landing. As he sits, bemoaning his bad luck, he notices a towering figure burst forth from the woods. After an initial brawl, Benkei calms down enough to realize Ryoma is not a demon, and explains his situation to the other man. Just as he's finished his story, the demon monks appear, and Ryoma leaps to action. Tearfully, Benkei is forced to fight as well, and make peace with the responsibility of dispatching his master. The two successfully lay the monks to rest, but an even larger demon appears, far beyond their capabilities. Luckily, Ryoma manages to fix his plane just as the other two pieces of Getter arrive, piloted by [a now calm] Jin and the Professor. They merge and attempt to fight the demon, but the Professor is too weak to act as a pilot, and they're forced to break apart. Spotting Benkei down below, the Professor is suddenly struck by the man's strength, and lands his plane. He requests the monk help him out, only to push him in the pilot's seat. As the plane takes off, a terrified Benkei is left to figure out how to fight in mid-air, with only the annoyed intercom instructions from Ryoma and Jin to help him. Against all odds, the three manage to work together, form the Getter Robo, and lay waste to the demon. With the chosen pilots finally assembled, the Getter Robo obtains its true strength; but can four outcasts, inexperienced with working as a team, truly harness the power needed to stop the forces of darkness once and for all? Review: I was so ready to hate this- big violent men piloting ugly mechs while 80's music blares in the background? Sounds like fair for a savory anime roast. To my surprise New Getter Robo turned out to be a fantastic series, most notably for the animation. The character expressions are out of this world, so lively and exaggerated- a breath of fresh air compared to the usual cardboard cutouts mech type. It's this purposefully insane style that makes the righteous hair metal, ridiculously cliché attacks, and painfully gay costume choices all work together like a big pink tandem bicycle: hilarious. What drives the comedy of the series, apart from the obvious animated slap-stick, are the characters' personalities. Initially you wouldn't think angry young men would be a laugh riot to watch, but when you take a brawler from the streets, dress him in spandex, and throw him in a super-sonic jet, things get awesome. Awesome to the max. One of my favorite segments is when Jin pilots Getter for the first time; introduced as a completely psychotic maniac, his horror at fighting demons at mach 10 is both understandable and extremely amusing. I liked that the pilots were all terrified, despite being self-proclaimed tough guys. Even the most street-hardened criminal would wee himself if put in that situation, and I'm glad New Getter Robo represented that fearful incontinence. It's also great to see the line between Good and Evil not so starkly drawn. Every character has moments of questionable moral ethics, despite being the protagonists; Ryoma is easily the most good-hearted character, but will still beat the stuffing out of anybody who opposes him, Benkei may have the virtues of a monk in most circumstances, but he's not above showing his willy to random women, and as a stark contrast, although Jin is certifiably insane, he'll play by Machiavelli's rules. Best of all is the Professor- despite building a mech to protect the human race, he's easily the most twisted of all the characters. He kidnaps all three of his pilots, tricks them into entering Getter for the first time, and has a fantastically diabolical disregard for human life. This duality makes the characters feel real, it makes sense that naturally violent people would mellow when given a daily outlet for their passions, and New Getter Robo does just that. Even in the short span of the series, the three pilots noticeably change as they find and accept their place in the team. New Getter Robo is a surprising and refreshing series, with good art, good action and a satisfying amount of exploding heads. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Ghost in the Shell: Major Motoko Kusanagi is completely cybernetic- with the exception of her human soul and brain. She works for Section 9, a specialized police force that fights technology-related crime. Along with Togusa, a human officer, and Bateau, yet another enhanced cyborg, the team follows a strange series of "ghost hackings". Through a single modus operandi, the aggressor has implanted memories to manipulate individuals into doing his bidding. He has essentially broken into their cybernetically-enhanced brains and used the people as his pawns. Appropriately, they dub this hacker, "The Puppet Master". His targets seem to have no rhyme or reason, both rich and poor are subject to his game. In attempts to stop the rash of crime, Section 9 traces the hacker to a series of posts, only to find that he is not an individual in the usual sense: he is an artificial intelligence that has gained sentience: a government project that simply got out of control. In attempts to cover up their mistake, the government tried to trap Puppet Master in a robot body, but only succeeded in placing him exactly where he wanted to be: near Major Kusanagi. There he is able to forge a connection with her, and promptly escapes, knowing she will follow. Naturally, having her own beliefs shaken by the hacker's work, the Major seeks out the hacker to discover his motives. As a cyborg, she naturally feels paranoid about her sense of self, what being an individual really means, and if her current life is her true life. As she witnesses the victims of memory-hacking insisting that their falsely implanted lives are true, she questions her own perception. In the past she defined herself as human because she had her own set of memories, was self-aware, and could exert control over her own destiny. But with the possibility of manipulating one's definition of themselves by changing their memories of past experiences, Kusanagi realises that life is much more complex than she originally fathomed. Obsessed with finding the answers, she puts herself in peril, taking on the hacker single-handedly. She reaches the robot body that contains his essence, and with the help of Bateau, connects herself to The Puppet Master. Mind-to-Mind he speaks to her, telling her that though he is self aware, has memories, and can influence his future, he is clearly not human, and therefore, neither is The Major. However, he explains there is hope: humanity, "existence", is death and life. Dying to create new life is the missing facet they both seek: he proposes they merge, completing the cycle. Kusanagi agrees and emerges from the ordeal not only with enhanced powers, but with a certainty of herself and her place in the world. Review: I could say something witty about the storytelling, but I'll just be blunt- this anime is BORING. It tries to be a psychological thriller, but fails due to a mind-numbing lack of thrill. Ghost in the Shell is a simple recipe: Add one long talking scene with no animation, remove all clear plot goals, and mix in a dragging cityscape montage with bad music. Repeat as necessary to fill over a hundred minutes. But if you enjoy bland things that drag on forever, do attempt to watch this in one sitting. After all, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger- and this anime certainly upped my tolerance for pointless psychological techno jargon. Half the time, during those long, tedious, "pragmatic pauses" (in laymen's terms, pans. Pans of Tokyo), I couldn't figure out what they were trying to get across. I'm certain I should have been reflecting on some deep analysis of mankind they'd just blown out their ass, but instead I found myself pondering the most abstract question of all: why the hell am I watching this, and when will it be over? Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Ghost in the Shell 2, Innocence: In 2032 Earth's population has embraced technological implants. However, there is still a sharp line between mechanically enhanced humans called cyborgs, and the Gynoid-A, a series of soulless dolls. Gynoid-A were originally designed as sex toys, but they run amok, killing their owners and spontaneously reformatting their brains to leave no evidence. Detective Bateau of the covert anti-terrorist unit is brought on the case and partnered with Togusa. While Bateau is a rough, "shoot first ask later" cop whose only soft spot is for his basset hound, Togusa is a family man, and is hesitant to be headstrong on such a delicate case. He fears the repercussions from the mafia, a known accessory to the Gynoid-A creator company, Ningyou Tsukai. The first murder scene the two detectives visit reveals that all the top owners of the dolls have been killed, as well as one of the designers. Bateau searches the house and finds a picture of a young girl. The case continues slowly until Bateau's cyborg perception is hacked, and he nearly kills a store full of people. He and Togusa conclude that a virus is infecting the dolls; they go and interrogate a Hacker named Kim. Once they escape from Kim's house of illusions, Togusa overrides Ningyou Tsukai's system to allow Bateau entrance. Bateau travels to the underwater factory, only to be attacked by the Gynoid-A dolls in force. Luckily Major Motoko shows up. Her consciousness, which has been astrally floating in the 'net, downloads itself into one of the Gynoid-As, allowing her to fight alongside Bateau. While Bateau fends off the dolls, the Major connects her brain to the network and shuts down the Gynoid-As. Hearing a plea for help, Bateau opens a Gynoid assembly capsule, and to his surprise, finds a young girl: the designer's daughter featured in the photo. The girl explains that she and her friend were kidnapped and drained of their life energy, or "ghost", to give the Gynoid-As a soul. This made them all the more sought after, but also highly illegal. With the case closed, Togusa returns to his family, and Bateau is reunited with his beloved pet, relieved to know Motoko still watches over him. Review: I have one compliment for Innocence, and that’s for the design of the Gynoid dolls. They were eye candy, the animation for them was amazingly well done, and their marionette-like movement, particularly during fighting scenes, was breathtaking. And that ends my accolades. Innocence flaunted an unabashed overuse of 3D. And I say “overuse” lightly: Overuse like Ron Jeremy overuses penis imagery, overuse like Marilyn Manson overuses makeup, overuse like Bush overuses idiocy! In fact, entire scenes were inserted simply, it seemed, to show that 3D exists. There’s a good ten minutes of a CG parade that doesn’t advance the plot and adds absolutely nothing to the movie- Except more 3D... The one thing this movie DIDN’T need. Attention directors! Stop taking lessons from George Lucas, and leave the computer graphics alone. Nobody likes them! We’re all just being polite! Even the insertion of 2D characters in CG backgrounds was terribly done. I can’t say if it was the rotoscoping, or perhaps just limitations of the technology, but when those 3D backgrounds panned, the characters did NOT sync up. They jumped around so noticeably that it disturbed me from my dozing. Those long diatribes that attempted to be “insights into the human soul” instantly cured my insomnia. But honestly, somebody should tell science fantasy writers that spouting antiquated quotes and comparing the human brain to a computer chip has a) been done to DEATH and b) isn’t enlightening, or entertaining. So, unless you enjoy being assaulted with demo-reel quality graphics, a story that’s pieced together from bible quotes, 3rd grade poetry, and the movie Hackers, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed by this “long awaited” sequel. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Ghost in the Shell, Stand Alone Complex: Technology has grown immensely. In this futuristic landscape, humans and machines have merged into a hybrid: there are very few people left who don't sport cybernetic implants which give them superhuman abilities such as great strength, enhanced vision, and the option to communicate wordlessly. Though many humans have traded in their flawed, flesh body parts for cybertronics, some have completely discarded their bodies for cyborg forms. One of these is Major Motoko Kusanagi. Due to losing her human body as a small child, she has grown up in cyborg form, making her one of the top handlers of cyborg bodies. She has since joined "Section 9", an elite police force that takes on investigations of technological crime. While clashing with the FBI and government over their rash dealings with several cases, Section 9 remains the top law enforcement squad. In between cases of organ smuggling and murders, Section 9 investigates the on-going crimes of "The Laughing Man". First assumed to be nothing more than a pesky hacker, out to discredit mass corporations, the case was dropped due to lack of proper suspects. The same problem plauges the case as it's reopened: due to people having their brains hacked, several men claim to be The Laughing Man. Though the prime suspect, Nanao, is found dead, the hacking continues, and escalates at the Serano conference: a gathering of officials from one of the biggest companies in New Tokyo. The Major and her team manage to fend off the radicals and save the company's CEO. However, he is unwilling to admit that the laughing man case is not over. Section 9's chairman, Aramaki, confronts Serano's CEO, issuing a brisk warning that The Laughing Man is a case that won't be solved with one death: it has become a phenomenon. The underground world of hackers has embraced the idea, and followed suit. There is no way to hunt down a specific criminal when every 'net junkie considers themselves a part of The Laughing Man movement. Review: I’ve been harsh on prior Ghost in The Shell installations, but Stand Alone Complex is actually very good. Deviating from its predecessors, it doesn’t try to wade into the murky philosophical waters of “what is consciousness”, and instead showcases a good old-fashioned detective plot. The 3D effects were also kept to a minimum. Though some of the driving scenes looked floaty, I was impressed at how well the computer graphics were blended with the classical animation. Unfortunately, the designs were a little bland- but they didn’t exactly have the best characters to work with. The Major continues her role as eye-candy, donning lovely assless outfits for the majority of the series. Along with copious ass, the characters were given a lot more depth. While in the GitS movies they were all stoic and boring, the series gave Bateau a jaunty side, and the Major a defensive (and somewhat vulnerable) side. They also gave her a couple of sexy female friends with whom to share the same bed. Comic relief was added through a strange creature: sentient, happy-go-lucky tanks. It was a little odd to have something so inhumane personified, but by the end, I appreciated how they lightened up the mood during particularly bleak episodes. Yes, my interest certainly was kept during this series. The plots moved along nicely, the characters were interesting, and cyber culture was represented in force. Any ‘net-junkie will appreciate the 1337 Haxx0r plot, regardless of the lack of action. All I can say is: futuristic chat room scene. I’m a sucker for seeing the ‘net literally represented. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Ghost Sweeper Mikami: In the mid 16th century, Mitsuhide Akechi dispatched the most vile of vampires, Nosferatu, who had claimed the body of his Lord, Nobunada Oga after being dispatched from the Vatican. This gave Akechi the reputation as a traitor, and when Nosferatu died, the demon vowed he would return. Akechi was not worried, saying another would always take his place. In present day Japan, Mikami Reiko, a money-obsessed exorcist fights demons with her team: Father Karasu, Peat (a half-vampire), Tadao Yokoshima, and Okinu (a ghost). Mikami’s first shown using Tadao as a decoy to attract ghosts so she can dispel them and make a lot of cash. Though the frequency of evil spirits in Japan is increasing, Mikami can only think of the yen she will make dispatching them. While in her office counting her reward, a divine stone fashioned into a lance impales her desk. A vision of Mitsuhide appears above it, and tells Mikami that she will be his successor to destroy Nosferatu. Mikami says she doesn’t work for free, and is offered the lance as compensation. She accepts, and, using the lance as a homing beacon, rushes out to find the Nosferatu before he can fully resurrect. At the Government Office the lance opens a portal to a spirit forest, where the Mikami’s team finds sacrificed animals that become zombies and begin attacking them. Mikami leaves the fighting to Peat, and approaches Nosferatu’s tomb. However, when she reaches it, an albino spider leaps out, slashing her face and spraying blood onto an idol that allows Nosferatu to be resurrected. This spider turns out to be Ranmaru, who can morph back into a man, and serve Nosferatu’s command. With his master resurrected, the exorcists are easily fought off, and the two demons escape into contemporary Tokyo. After learning a normal mortal’s blood won’t satisfy him, Nobunada Oga tells Ranmaru to gather all the exorcists in Tokyo so he can have the power to unite the country and become the Dark Lord of the world. Meanwhile, Mikami and her cohorts are recovering from their injuries in hospital; on television, a reporter describes masses of zombies that have begun to roam the streets of Shinjuku. The public suspects it’s biochemical attacks, but Mikami knows the undead are an after effect of Nosferatu’s feeding. Meiko Rokudo, another exorcist says she’s impressed that Mikami’s blood was able to resurrect the vampire, much to Meiko’s dismay. Overhearing this, Emi Ogasawara towers over Mikami’s hospital bed, and threatens to use Mikami’s negligence as blackmail by telling the Association about her involvement with the resurrection, and having her Ghost Sweeping license revoked. They’re distracted by the news reporting a 60 billion yen reward from the Vatican for Nosferatu’s capture, and also by the Government Office morphing into Azuchi castle. Within Azuchi, Dr.Chaos (an alchemist exorcist) and Emi arrive, and are met by Ranmaru who easily captures them. He then arrives at the hospital, and tricks Meiko into coming to the castle by calling her a princess and saying his Lord is waiting for her. Innocent as she is, Meiko agrees, much to Ranmaru’s surprise. Hearing that the second tier of Ghost Sweepers has been captured, Mikami, Okinu and Tadao travel to the castle. They are met on the roof by Ranmaru, who is killed by Mikami after a difficult battle. With his last ounce of strength, Ranmaru gives his power to Nobunada, who battles Mikami. She stabs him with the holy lance, and it appears he’s dying, but suddenly Nosferatu says “just kidding”, destroys the divine stone, and transforms into a huge menacing demon that’s several fold more powerful than his previous form. He says once he absorbs Mikami’s powerful blood, he will be unbeatable. He grabs her, and in such close contact, Mikami realizes Nosferatu survived his first battle because he has two hearts; though Mitsuhide stabbed his left heart, his right still beats. Just before he cat bite Mikami, Mitsuhide possesses Tadao and saves her. He tells her she can turn her divine staff into a divine stone, which she does and kills Nosferatu. Review: At first glance, the animation and design definitely turned me off, but try to ignore it, because this anime is awesome. Sure the story is fairly rehashed, but it’s a good vampire plot, with excellent joke timing. This anime had me in stitches throughout the entire thing. It’s really based on the humour and less on being frightening, which really saves Ghost Sweeper Mikami from being unappealing. However, the dub has no resounding qualities. Even if it’s the only thing available, it’s better to wait for subtitles, because the translation is absolutely awful; even the music is changed for the English version. Frankly, it’s the ugly design that made me rank Ghost Sweeper so low, because the original is definitely worth watching. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Gibo Mai: Wakao Kazuma was a great artist, renowned throughout Japan, and very wealthy. But shortly after completing his final piece, The Night's End, he died, leaving his fortune and paintings to his son, Kyosuke. Grieving over his father, Kyosuke attempts to kick his step-mother, Megumi, out of the house. He blames her for the death of his father, as well as the death of his mother (who passed away shortly after her separation from Wakao). Megumi is understanding of Kyosuke's situation, and assures him she's not a gold-digger, and only wants Wakao's paintings. She attempts to convince him by explaining that the inheritance tax will leave Kyosuke penniless. But Kyosuke's hatred is cemented, and he refuses. Desperate to display the paintings in her gallery, Megumi makes a deal with Kyousuke: he can have her daughter, Yuuna, if she can have the paintings. Kyosuke agrees, but finds that Yuuna is hesitant to sleep with him. Instead, she tells him he can do anything, so long as she can keep her virginity. Going slightly mad with the power, Kyosuke abuses her, taking advantage of Yuuna's ever-growing masochistic streak. But after toying with his "sister" for some time, Kyosuke wants more, and sets his sights on Megumi. In attempts to protect her daughter from Kyosuke's increasingly sadistic "lessons", Megumi agrees. But Yuuna doesn't retreat, as she's grown to love her brother and his twisted affections. With both women solidly in his grasp, Kyosuke begins to wonder about his father's inheritance again. In the back of Wakao's final painting, he finds a note. It details Kyosuke's father's early life, his studies under Murayama Azumi, and that his most famous painting, Yearn of the Mourn, was stolen from Azumi. The final word in this letter is for Kyosuke to love his step-mother and sister. After showing this letter to Megumi and Yuuna, the three accept their love for each other, and put all rivalries over the inheritance to rest. Review: Gibo Mai makes no excuses for what it is- it's about bondage and dominance, and you're going to like it, SLAVE! And, quite frankly, it's hot. So many hentai take humiliation-type relationships to scary, uncomfortable places, but this OAV kept it relatively clean (well, as clean as you can get with a couple of peeing scenes.) Though the plot seems pretty elaborate, it's spaced well between the myriad of sex scenes, which are all fantastically played out and BELIEVABLE, for once. You won't find tentacle monsters or 12 inch cocks here, just a sadistic young lad, his slightly neurotic sister, and their slutty mom. The art is great, realistic and uncensored (except for the dialog, for some odd reason... "BLEEP in my BLEEP"). And, though I don't usually mention the voice talent, Gibo Mai has FANTASTIC acting. For once the male lead actually sounds like he's enjoying sex, rather than silently running out the clock on his nine-to-five job porking nubile young ladies. This would have had top marks, if it weren't for the INCEST. I think they interpreted their father's dying words, "love each other", a bit TOO literally. Nothing ruins a steamy sexy scene quite like a mother and daughter having a nice little chat about how much they love getting fucked by their step-son/brother. No, stop it, shut up for five seconds about how you're related. You're already catering to the seedy underbelly of porn with the whole S&M theme, WHY would you alienate your movie more by putting in mom/daughter scenes? Count your lucky stars if you don't understand Japanese, because you can just turn off the subtitles and forget the above rant. So, with such a mixed review, who should watch this? Rope bondage fanatics, MILF lovers, exploitative kinky couples, and anybody who's looked at their sister and thought “well why the hell not”. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Gloria: The Gloria family is failing financially; their diamond industry is being aggressively taken over by rival CEO, Boone. After suffering crippling losses to the extent that they’re on the verge of bankruptcy, matriarch of the Gloria household, Michelle, attempts to inject new managerial talent and life into her family by hiring two college students to tutor her daughters in economics. Kira and Beowulf are invited to stay in the Gloria manor house, where Michelle and her sister Eterna, introduce the two young men to their adopted family: a fleet of maids, headed by Cecil, computer specialist, Charm, drunk, party girl Naomi, and heiress, Mary. Beowulf is first to spot that there is treachery within the house, as he discovers chamber maid, Lisa, listening in on business meetings held in the mansion. However, this altercation is ignored, as Beowulf is quite forward, and attempts to punish Lisa with sex. But as Boone continues to reap further inside information on the Gloria family’s plans, Kira takes matters into his own hands. With help of his new lover, Cecil, the two seduce Lisa and ply her with pleasure to reveal she’s the informant. Though they stop the flow of information to Boone, the family is still financially crippled. Luckily, Kira has seen promise in Mary, who is very innocent, but also quite astute. After finally getting her wish to sleep with her beloved teacher, she is instilled with the confidence to take her place as heir of the Gloria family. By throwing a Ball and inviting both Boone, and her close friend, the President of South Africa, Mary is able to reveal Boone’s corrupt business techniques, and siphons money back to the Gloria conglomerate. In celebration, Kira and Mary are wed. Review: Have you been desperately looking for a hentai that doesn’t suddenly turn into daemon raping? Or tentacle sex? Or dick girls? You’re probably feeling pretty frustrated, as every promising erotic anime out there throws in SOME sort of terrifying fetish. Well, Gloria is for YOU, the vanilla folks out there, who have had it with bondage, and ass rape and humiliation. In fact, the most kinky scene is sex near a window; normal, heterosexual vaginal intercourse between two adults, with a tiny sprinkling of exhibitionism. Man, after reviewing the horrors of Magical Girl Meruru and Bible Black, it seems almost boring! In fact, a lot of reviewers have pegged Gloria as being way too formulaic, with the stereotypical “college student meets house full of maids and other nubile young women”. But the fact is, the variety of girls is interesting, they all have distinct personalities, their designs are extremely fetching, and if you’re complaining about the plot in a PORNO, maybe you should invest in some new hobbies. Gloria isn’t without its flaws, however. Due to Mary being the protagonist, and a literal princess, it’s quite girly, with flowers and sparkles and a whole lot of glowing light effects. Before it ever invaded your favorite next-gen games, BLOOM was a cornerstone of Gloria. Glitter and glam aside, Gloria also suffers from some unfortunate genital censorship. Though not the worst I’ve ever seen (nothing is mosaic-ed out, or black-barred), it’s certainly a bit annoying, after waiting for so long to see two characters get it on, and Kira finally takes his pants off to do the hot and nasty with his young student, you discover he’s got the anatomy of a Ken doll. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: Three Episode OAV.
	Grave of the Fireflies: Set in Japan during the air raids of the second world war, Grave of the Fireflies follows, through a series of flashbacks, the life of Seita. In the first bombing featured, Seita’s and his sister Setsuko are in their house when the fighter planes begin to arrive. Their mother escapes to a bomb shelter, while the children try to protect themselves as best they can at home. They escape unharmed, but the city is demolished. The bomb shelter too suffered heavy tolls; their mother is one of the victims. With his father fighting in the military, Seita has no other choice but to take refuge at his aunt’s house. Embittered by the hopeless war, she scolds Seita for not fighting with the soldiers or helping during raids. Under this constant berating, and being denied food for his sister and himself, Seita begins to think he’d be better off living on his own. After a final bout of scolding from his aunt, Seita and Setsuko set off to live in an abandoned mine. There they make a small home for themselves, fishing as well as trading their mom’s old items for food. They make a good life for themselves until rations begin to run low, and Seita is unable to supply nourishing meals for his sister. She succumbs to malnutrition, becoming weaker and weaker by the day. Desperate, Seita turns to stealing for her, but is caught. Though the police let him go, sympathetic to his situation, he starts losing hope. Instead of stealing in the cover of night, he starts to go out during the bombing raids while everybody is evacuated. He takes items to sell as well as food, but it simply isn’t enough to resuscitate his sister. Consumed with worry, Seita takes Setsuko to a doctor, who says she simply needs food. Exasperated, Seita demands where he’s supposed to get food when rations aren‘t enough and he has nothing to trade. The doctor, however, cannot help. In a last ditch effort to provide for Setsuko, Seita withdraws money from his mother’s bank account to buy food. While in the city, he learns the war is over; Japan has surrendered and the naval fleet is decimated. Seita collapses with grief over the loss of his father, but manages to continue for the sake of his sister. Unfortunately, by this point, Setsuko is simply too weak, and dies before he can even finish cooking her the meal he purchased. Hopelessness consumes Seita, and he falls into deep depression, wandering the city’s remains until, finally, he dies amongst other vagrants at a transit terminal. Review: Even American audiences have heralded this anime as being one of the most graphic and hard-hitting portrayals of desperate war times. With children as the main characters, the audience follows the fight for survival of those who have barely enough experience to care for themselves in good times, let alone under the threat of constant death and starvation. Though the plight definitely pulled at my heartstrings, I found this movie more irritating than depressing. Perhaps it was an excellent movie for provoking such strong emotion, or maybe it simply missed the mark with me. What agitated me was the complete irresponsibility the adults displayed. What doctor in his right mind would send away a starving child- a child on the brink of death? Certainly, times were hard. And I can understand, working a hospital during wartime, that one would see things so gruesome and hopeless that they would gradually become calloused- but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to clock that doctor and talk some sense into him. And this isn’t the only instance of adults turning the other cheek. Seita regularly interacts with traders, yet none even offer aid or advice to him. But by far, the worst instance of neglect was by Seita’s aunt. If you’re anything like me, you’ll hate this woman. These kids have just lost their mother, and what does she do? She scolds them and tells them they’re leeches on her house. She implies they should leave by asking if Seita has any other relatives. He doesn’t, and despite this, she continues to be harsh. When Setsuko awakens at night crying for her mother, the aunt yells at them for waking her own family, who are “fighting for the cause and need their sleep”. One would think that, in desperate times, family would unite. Apparently this is far from the truth, as Seita’s aunt watches her fourteen year-old nephew and four year-old niece leave her house with no other place to turn. Of course, this didn’t sour the entire movie for me. I found the detail put into the situations amazing: the essence of wartime life are captured with stunning realism. Flawless animation portrays the panic during raids, the baffled joy of those who survive, and the lively underworld of trade and barter that developed due to meagre rations. The character’s emotions are also amazingly written and drawn. Seita and Setsuko act just as one would expect children to when faced with such a faceless and vague threat such as war. But ultimately, this movie isn’t about war specifically. There are very little details about actual combat, instead showing the melee as an unpredictable threat that can take any and all that you love. This loss, the desperation, is what Grave of the Fireflies lays out, gritty, uncensored, and tragic. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Gravitation: Shuichi Shindou and Nakano Hiroshi are the sole members of the little known band, Bad Luck. Under the instruction of their nervous manager Sakano, the band is failing from lack of publicity as well as lack of confidence. However, their big break comes when they manage to get Seguchi Tohma (record executive of N-G Recording Company and ex-keyboardist of renowned band Nittle Grasper) to listen to their first single. Tohma is impressed, but demands the band improves before he takes them on officially. His first step is to assign them a keyboardist to flesh out the band's sound. His cousin, Suguru Fujisaki joins Bad Luck, and though Shuichi initially objects, the three eventually find a very promising groove and begin to rise in fame. Despite finally being taken on by N-G Records and selling 1 million copies of their first release, the members of Bad Luck have sordid personal lives which constantly threaten to interfere with their careers. Shuichi in particular finds himself entangled in an extremely rocky relationship with famed writer, Uesugi "Yuki" Eiri. Yuki's feelings toward Shuichi change drastically from day to day (and sometimes moment to moment), as he can find the boy both endearing and extremely irritating. To complicate matters, Yuki has a shadow in his past that haunts him, and he goes through periods where he has very little confidence in his relationship, and shies away from Shuichi for "his own good". But Shuichi is innocent and hard-headed, and chases Yuki regardless of how many times he's shot down, finding solace in the few times that Yuki is kind to him. Because of their constant quarreling and Yuki's growing feelings for Shuichi, Tohma attempts to break up the couple several times. Having known Yuki since childhood, and sharing his trauma, Tohma believes he understands Yuki best and attempts to organize his life for him, but Yuki is often evasive and cold, not taking any advice (whether it be genuine or manipulative). On the other side of the spectrum is Claude "K" Winchester, Bad Luck's manager. He purposefully leaks information about Shuichi and Yuki's relationship to the press, intending to ride on Yuki's fame in order to promote the band. Although this works for a time, it causes enough stress between the two men that Yuki eventually leaves for America, not only to escape the fame (and being hounded by the millions of female fans that read his novels) but also to avoid his growing feelings for Shuichi. Review: J-pop and boy love- it's a magical combination that seldom goes awry, and Gravitation is one of the staples of the yaoi world. Though it isn't explicit, it has enough angst between Shuichi and Yuki to keep any shounen-ai fan interested. Of course, if you abhor soap-opera-esque drama, then Gravitation is definitely not for you. The sheer scale of the character's emotions and their completely absurd actions (running away to a different country to "Protect the One You Love from Yourself" is a prime example) can easily drive the cynical viewer insane. Other irritants of the series included the fact that Bad Luck only has one song, which is played ad nauseum, the only respite being the few occasions when a new accompanying video is shown. Fortunately, the song itself is fairly catchy, so it's only near the tail end of the series that you start thinking that it's a good thing Shuichi learned to suck cock so well, because One Hit Wonders need that skill. The animation aspect of Gravitation is probably the weakest bit, which is disappointing considering the obvious budget cuts made to the music. This is a show ABOUT A BAND. Sleek music videos and tons of ear-candy should be par for the course, especially when the boy-love aspect is so tortured, incomplete and far apart. In fact, the only HINT we get that Shuichi and Yuki have actually gotten down and dirty down-under is a single piece of dialog ("... and you're terrible in bed"-Yuki) which is cut out in the dub. After all is said and done, Gravitation is a dirty pleasure of anime (even in the boy love sub genre). It's fluffy, mercilessly sappy, and without any real meaningful content or artistic merit. So, it's up to you: avoid it, or just dive right in- chicken wings in one hand, Häagen-Dazs in the other, and Gravitation queued up for an evening of such flamboyant outfits and boy-centred waterworks that you'll keep your love of it secret until the very day you die. Rates: 2.5/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Gravitation OAV: Suichi is an aspiring pop idol. He is absolutely infatuated with a fellow singer named Yuki. However, the latter isn't exactly reciprocal in the feelings department. Though they do have their off-and-on moments, it's revealed that Yuki does indeed care for Suichi, but doesn't appreciate the clingy young boy's juvenile antics. This shounen-ai plot pokes fun at the little nuances of anime that are known to all fans. Review: Unfortunately the subtitles for this were only available in Korean, so I'm not one hundred percent clear on the story line. The animation was funny in a gimmicky kind of way. It mocks a lot of the little distortions anime characters tend to go through. There was a lot of stock footage used for the stage performance scenes which kind of annoyed me, but the songs that were sung did have a certain catchy flavor. They weren't overused, either, which is a step in the right direction. I really liked the plot for the yaoi elements, though there were very few actual scenes with Yuki and Suichi together since they're not on speaking terms for a lot of the movie. Regardless, when I scrounge up enough money, I'll definitely buy the series that goes along with this movie. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Golgo 13: Duke Togo, code name Golgo 13, is a world-renowned assassin who remains illusive to all who aren't offering him cash and a kill. Though Duke takes any case if the price is right, his latest kill has the entire CIA and US Army on his tail. After discovering it was Golgo 13 who assassinated his son, Leonard Dawson (president of the foremost in petrol companies) hires both the military and his own group of killers to reap vengeance. Though Golgo has little problem with the soldiers, Dawson's personal assassin, Snake (the contortionist killer), and the deadly twins Silver and Gold are much more challenging adversaries. But as he watches Golgo slay and evade every person sent after him, Dawson slips from insanity to apathy. When Golgo finally approaches him, the oil tycoon is defeated, and admits that he found his son's suicide note: Golgo was hired to make the hit Dawson Jr took out on himself. With nothing left to live for after throwing away his reputation, family and empire to attempt vengeance, Leonard Dawson throws himself from his skyscraper. Review: Have you ever looked at somebody extremely close, and been taken aback by the sheer horror of the wrinkles, oil and hair that is humanity? That sentiment is what Golgo 13's design rides on. Every character is a cacophony of over-animated lines, a million eyelashes, and details that aren't even at home in a portrait, let alone design meant for animation. And that's just the visual aspect of Golgo13- there's still the plot and characters, whose personalities do absolutely nothing to make their ugliness bearable. For those who don't know him, Golgo is like James Bond without the charm. He kills people in convoluted, physics-defying ways, and sleeps with every woman under 50, but doesn't even blink as they writhe and undulate atop him. Now, normally I would shout Gay at this, and gleefully over-interpret every scene he shares with another man. But no. Golgo is not slashable in the LEAST. He is clearly unmoved by women because HE IS A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF A MAN. He's an avatar for The Man Boys Want to Be. After pleasing women (but clearly not knowing he too should enjoy it), he immediately runs off to kill armed military men single-handedly (and.. naked). And this guy is the protagonist. A protagonist completely void of personality- and not in the Harry-Potter-expository-lead kind of way. It's no wonder that the plot is moved on solely by OUTSIDE NARRATION. Maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine, but it's just painful when a writer can't make the plot proceed without resorting to some disposable character Explaining It All in Voice Over. And the pitfalls of Golgo13's plot don't end at it's complete inability to stand on its own. It also relies on every SINGLE stereotypical scene used in assassin movies. Let's go through the checklist, shall we? - Names and Company Alliances in Subtitles to introduce characters - Knife licking villains - Poking a gun through a door before proceeding - Overuse of lonely saxophone BG music - Still-frames when "serious action" is happening or to "create suspense" - LENSFLARE - Speeding off a closed bridge - The hero walking dramatically out of flaming wreckage, unharmed And the exercise in already-over-done only covers half the scenes. The others are painful attempts at being "artistic", like shooting through panning fences, upside-down from a reflection in a pool of blood, and (most inexplicable of all) suddenly making everything overlayed with disco rainbow (What this is supposed to symbolize?! It must be something- they use it so often, especially during car chases and Golgo porking the ladies). When all is said and done, Golgo13 has ZERO saving graces. It even manages to be one of the first anime to incorporate really bad computer graphics- which makes the whole thing even more frustrating. To have access to a team willing to animate such complicated and line-heavy characters and incorporate CGI in a fully-animated feature length film, Golgo13 must have had a MASSIVE budget. Artists everywhere cry out that it was squandered for this shit stain on the little visited ass of animation. Rates: 1.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Golgo 13, Queen Bee: Duke Togo, a.k.a. Golgo 13 is a hit man for hire, notorious for his tenacity and resulting success rate. During the presidential elections, the democratic candidate, Robert Hardy, receives several death threats. These notes are linked to Sonia, an underworld crime boss who calls herself “Queen Bee”. Since she heads a prolific South American drug ring, Hardy’s tough stance on narcotics jeopardizes Queen Bee’s main source of revenue. After reviewing this information, Duke concludes that it’s too simple; he takes the case, and confronts the Queen Bee, knowing her from a previous fling. She discovers she’s his hit, and immediately flees, saying she has to stay alive for a little while longer. Her motivation for assassinating President Hardy isn’t related to the drug policies at all; he’s her father, who abandoned her as a child. Sonia had to witness her mother being killed, and spent the following years in the child slave market. In her twenties, Sonia bought her freedom, and began her reign as Queen Bee, with sex as a weapon, and her heart set on revenge. However, Robert Hardy was unaware of exactly what he did to his family. He wished for them to be “taken care of”, which his sleazy vice president, Thomas Waltham, took as an order to have his wife and daughter killed. After catching a glimpse of Sonia during one of his speeches, Hardy demands the truth from Thomas. Learning that the death of his wife was not an accident, and that his daughter was still alive, Hardy loses all motivation, and only wishes to atone. At his next speech, unaware that his daughter is poised to kill him, Hardy apologizes, and announces that he will publicly kill Thomas for causing his family so much pain. Sonia is touched by her father’s words, but is too late to save him from the police, who are forced to shoot him before he can kill Thomas. The following night, Sonia says her final good-byes to her father. Behind her, Golgo 13 waits for her to have made peace before finishing his job. Review: In the first ten minutes, there are three sex scenes, which come to fruition in blood-sprayed boobies. It would have been hot, had it not been horrific. But nothing jolted me so much as the sporadic camera shakes, which were an obvious attempt to hide crummy animation- An attempt which failed, by the way. Golgo 13, Queen Bee had the recipe for success, but neglected to add subtlety. Lines were overacted, animation corners were cut, and Golgo himself is the worst main character I have EVER seen. He has two lines (at most), no facial animation whatsoever, and is completely void of personality- well, save for his need for speed. But that’s less a trait, and more of a flaw. Right after being shot, he goes off parachuting. Then, immediately following getting stabbed in the LIVER, he has raucous sex. That would be Sex Act #5, for those keeping note. In under 60 minutes. The final moments involve everything tying up in a nice little package in a suspicious way that suggests the movie’s budget was squandered on Mr. Pibb and Twinkies. The Hardy family is reunited in death, Golgo gets one last expressionless kiss, and walks off, trench-coat blowing in the stormy night. All I can say is: Dick Tracy did it better, and that’s not saying much. Rates: 1.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Gunbuster: The story of Noriko, a young girl who wishes to become a mecha pilot. She’s behind her class in most every training ability, but is inspired by Kazumi, who she lovingly refers to as “big sister”. Noriko makes the cut, blasting off into space and taking missions. She learns of her father’s past, love and comes to the startling conclusion that space is a vacuum of memories. She returns to earth, her own age, to find many of her friends have aged to adulthood and have children. However, reunited with her “big sister”, Noriko completes her final mission and returns to a welcoming planet Earth. Review: I really liked this story. It made me cry on several occasions because Noriko is such a sad character. She loses many because she chooses her career in space over growing old with those she loves on Earth. The animation was excellent, smooth, and the character designs were amazing. Each character was well portrayed and very human, with sorrows and happiness. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: 3 Volumes in series.
	Gungrave: Harry MacDowell and Brandon Heat grew up together, living through the beatings and poverty of a harsh childhood. Each became involved with the crime syndicate, Mellennion, in their teens. However, the two boys held very different goals for their futures. Harry wanted nothing more than power, and the freedom associated with it, while Brandon simply wished to protect the ones he loved, namely Maria. But Brandon's love for Maria was complicated when the head of Mellennion, Big Daddy, inducted her into his Family and she was suddenly under close protection. After an initial clash with Big Daddy's personal guards when he tries to see Maria, Brandon is brought to see Big Daddy personally. Astute and wizened, Big Daddy sees past the part of Brandon that works as a low-ranking thug, and sees the kindness within him. He gives Brandon his blessing to see Maria. Though Brandon eventually declines this blessing, feeling he is not good enough for Maria due to the blood on his hands, he and Big Daddy maintain a close relationship. Meanwhile, Harry goes about achieving his goal to join Mellennion's Family by heading his own group of thugs who spy on both Big Daddy and opposing Bosses. Through this intelligence, a small group of loyal and deadly friends, and a large following, Harry manages to intercept an attack on Big Daddy. Though Big Daddy can see Harry's greed and psychopathy, Brandon vouches for his old friend and he becomes part of Mellennion's Family. Years later, Brandon is renowned as the best sweeper in the city, and is Big Daddy's personal confidant and friend. Harry, on the other hand, heads several take-overs of opposing businesses and muscles his way into the position of a powerful and rich business owner. His friendship with Brandon plays a huge part in this ability to sway established businessmen; they fear Brandon Heat's skill. However, as Big Daddy begins to consider handing Mellennion over to Harry and Brandon, Brandon starts to question Harry's motives. He notices Harry is quick to forget those who sacrificed themselves for him, and orders deaths and takeovers far too easily. But Big Daddy already made his decision to step down, so instead of appointing Harry, he appoints a little known but loyal benefactor to head the syndicate. Harry swiftly has this man wiped out, and encourages Brandon to date Maria to ensure they are next in line to take the reigns. But Brandon sees that Big Daddy has fallen in love with Maria, and tells the two to have a wonderful life together. Having stepped down from the leadership, Big Daddy and Maria wed and conceive a child. Meanwhile, vying for the power to forcibly take over, Harry finds the secret of Mellennion's primary adversary, Lightning. They have been using zombie-like soldiers (dubbed "org men") to fight under the guidance of recently paroled killer, Blood War. Instead of fighting them head on (and slowly losing as the Mellennion men are doing), Harry speaks to the scientists behind Lighting's super-soldiers, and finds they are produced from resurrected dead bodies. After killing Blood War Harry seizes the technology and begins to perfect it so it will produce sentient super-soldiers. With the power in his hands and fearing Brandon's suspicion and judgment, Harry kills his childhood friend. Big Daddy is devastated by this news, but soon receives a letter delivered post-mortem from Brandon. A small defect group of the super-soldier researchers, under Brandon's orders, acquired his body and preserved it, only to be awoken if Big Daddy or Maria needs him. Big Daddy is extremely moved by Brandon's undying loyalty to the Family, and passes the news to Maria. Having learned of Harry's dabbling in God-like science, as well as his terrible murder of Brandon, Big Daddy confronts him. Though Harry initially tells Big Daddy he would rather keep him around to further manipulate older members of the syndicate, when Big Daddy mentions Brandon, Harry flips out and shoots him. After Big Daddy's death is announced, Harry takes over and squashes any uprising by monitoring all conversations and taking out hits on all who oppose him. He quickly becomes known and feared as Bloody Harry. Away from this terror of the city, Maria has her child, a girl named Mika. They live in peace for thirteen years, until Harry's power and secret investigators grows to the extent that they once again become aware of Maria and what she represents. Afraid she will battle him for Big Daddy's legacy, Harry orders her to be killed. Maria manages to learn this at the last minute, and, sacrificing herself, sends her daughter to resurrect the one man who can protect her: Brandon Heat. But by this point the necro-rising procedure that resurrected Brandon has been refined. Living people can now be instilled with superhuman power. Harry has surrounded himself with superhuman bodyguards, dubbed The Four Great Men: Balladbird Lee (martial arts master and director of foreign funds), Bear Walken (father to Harry's bride), Bob Poundmax (information and bugging specialist), and Bunji Kugashira (feared hit man). Though they are difficult opponents, Brandon manages to defeat Bob, which cuts off all of Harry's informants and spy-networks. Enraged by the defeat of his friend, Balladbird kidnaps Mika and attempts to use her as bait to get revenge on Brandon. But, with the invention of new bullets able to injure org-men and enhanced humans, Balladbird is taken down and Mika is saved. Following the others, Bear challenges Brandon, but doesn't fight him simply out of rage. As a right hand man to Big Daddy before his death, Bear tries to tell Brandon that Mellennion has changed, and there's no place for him and his rhetoric. Though Bear was loyal to Big Daddy's rule, his daughter is now married to Harry, and Bear only wishes to see her happy (and bring him grandchildren). To protect this, he fights Brandon, and sacrifices himself for the man his daughter believes in. With more than half of Harry's inner circle defeated, the city ceases to function and the older members of Mellennion, who have remained silent since Big Daddy's assassination, overthrow Harry MacDowell, ending his bloody reign over the city. Review: The way Gungrave's plot is presented has me torn whether to rate it high or low. It opens up with a woman fleeing from an organization, following a man she believes to be Brandon Heat. The man is unresponsive but protects her using super-human skills. Then the plot suddenly backtracks to Brandon's induction to the mob and his slow rise to the top. This change from the action-packed plotless first episode to an extremely complex and mature story about mob hierarchy and the subtleties within can seem very, very slow. However, it's absolutely necessary to show the control Mellennion held in Big Daddy's time. So you can see how I'm torn; it's tempting to mark them down for not knowing how to handle their action vs. plot, but on the other hand, they present a unique plot arc and some very personable characters. Brandon really is an especially appealing personality (once his character is developed); he's a man of few words, which is relatively rare in an anime world full of exposition. All of Brandon's responses are dependant on his expression, and they're very well done. Unfortunately the design as a whole is muddy. The women can look quite mannish in some episodes, and the men are extremely wide- to the point that it's comical. What saves Gungrave is the plot, the way they gave you a taste of the end with the first episode, and the amazing feeling of realizing how it connects once the series progresses. The harsh difference between the bleak reality of the first episode and the very beginning of the flash backs quickly comes together; the episodes progress in decades (about three episodes per ten years) so the characters age and mature rapidly, but in a straight-forward way that the audience can follow. I found the characters' aging especially impressive, as they're followed from their teens to their old age, each with corresponding but recognizable designs. I suppose my initial skepticism over the series comes from judging Gungrave by its cover; with a gun-wielding cowboy as the protagonist and a post apocalyptic monster-filled world in the first episode, I was thrown off by the second installments sudden switch tot he underground crime world. However, the stark difference just made it all the more impressive when the two halves came together. Once the plot goes full circle, there's another lull wherein I was tempted to lower Gungrave's mark once again. But after two episodes of relatively slow pace and dragging dialogue (particularly when inducting Mika to what has happened to Mellennion), it picks right up again, proving itself apt as a completely different genre: action sci-fi. Brandon fights the Four Great Men which transform into impressive monsters and are engaged in very cool battles. Though the character designs can be less than optimal in some episodes, the monster designs were very well done. The whole series wraps up with high energy gun-battles contrasted with extremely heart-wrenching scenes of loss. So, with the series entirely watched, and my flim-flaming over particulars aside, despite its slow moments, Gungrave really is an impressively well put together series. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Gundam W: There are slight variations, but each plot has to do with large mechs that must fight in order to maintain peace in space. Review: Sorry for the short summary, I didn’t really like this series or the movies. The animation was well done but it was a little too political for me. Each character has separate issues and the designs are very well done. The music is a little plain, but the one thing that really put me off was the strung-out plot. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Gunsmith Cats, Bullet Proof: Neutral Zone The ATF agent, William Collins, blackmails the Gunsmith cats, Minnie May and Rally Vincent into helping him capture the criminal gun-smuggler, Washington. Because they own illegal firearms, “Bill” Collins has dirt on the girls that he keeps digging up to ensure continued assistance from the trained assassins. Swing High While the Gunsmith Cats are pursuing a Soviet Special Forces agent named Nastasha Radinov, Washington is killed by her, though he leaves codes that lead Rally and May to the centre of a gun smuggling ring. There they confront Radinov, and Rally is saved just in time by Bill. Though she is distracted, Radinov kidnaps May, leaving Rally to chase her down in a high-speed pursuit that ends with Radinov's vehicle exploding and plummeting into the bay. However, Rally knows it's not the end of her feud with the punkish Russian. High Speed edge With Radinov on the loose and setting her sights of revenge directly on Rally and May, the Gunsmith Cats find themselves up against the talent of an ex-ATF agent turned freelance killer. George Black, the head of the ATF, is discovered to have been in cahoots with Radinov, but before he can run away with her, she shoots him at the command of Edward Haints, a politician who invited Rally and May to his latest campaign gathering. They accept, not knowing Haints originally paid Radinov to murder them. Of course, they are shot at during the ceremony, but because Radinov nearly hits Haints, he becomes angry and fires who he thinks is her. However, this fake Radinov was a member of the police disguised, so when Haints panics and draws a gun, he is caught on tape as a traitor of his own anti-gun campaign. The real Radinov pursues May and Rally, inuring the latter enough that May has to save the day by blowing up Radinov. But she survives, and in the end, Radinov is gunned down by both Rally and Bill. Review: This was an entertaining and generally light-hearted detective series with a lot of action and shoot-em-up fights. Though the animation was more limited than I was used to, the car chase scenes were just spectacular. Though the bomb-happy Minnie May did have her moments, the characters as a group were unremarkable and bland. This is one of the things that had me rate this anime so low. Sure, Gunsmith Cats was fun to watch, but it wasn’t really involving. The characters were practically impossible to relate with, and they didn’t have much in the way of realistic personalities or dynamic with each other. What saved this anime was the music; a jazzy score added to every scene, making me a little more tolerant of the forgettable characters. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
H
	.Hack//Sign: Tsukasa awakes in an online game called The World, only to find he has amnesia and can't logout. He confronts other players, and they are able to come and go as they please. At first Tsukasa is depressed about having no choice, but tells himself it's not about being able to leave, or choosing to stay, this is where he exists now. The problems Tsukasa encounters are believed to be created by a hacked cat-sprite that distributed an item causing glitches in the game. The administrators, a group called Crimson Knights that act as guards of the game, want to put a stop to the illegal affairs, and pursue Tsukasa because he was the last to be seen with the cat. Tsukasa doesn't remember the cat well, but has frequent flashbacks in which he realizes the player's name is Macha and is the embodiment of his mother. Macha promises to protect Tsukasa. This protection, in the form of a new invulnerable monster, causes the Silver Knight, head of the Crimson Knights, to be killed in the game. However, he also passes out and suffers brief amnesia in real life. Tsukasa feels guilty, but doesn't know what to do. Lady Subaru, the main administrator tells the Silver Knight to never forget that they too are players, and though they have more power, it's only part of a role. She also mentions that Crim, an administrator that left, has ideas that she doesn't approve of. Meanwhile, there are rumours that a change is about to take place in The World, and Tsukasa is at the centre of it. Review: Wow. Just. Wow. I am completely blown away by this masterpiece of an anime. It not only captures the personalities of players one tends to meet in an online game, but also the mood during playing. It’s incredibly realistic, including characters having to log out in the middle of important conversations because of appointments. The music score, character designs and settings all add beautifully to this picture as well. Having played online games in the past, watching .Hack//Sign made me very nostalgic. I highly recommend seeing this anime, regardless of gaming experience. However, if I had to find one failing, it would be the predictability of Tsukasa’s situation. Though I knew most of what would happen, I still enjoyed watching it, and so will you. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	.Hack//Dusk (Legend of the Twilight Bracelet): Set in the same mass multiplayer game as .Hack//Sign, the storyline is continued two years in the future with two new characters that experience The World for the first time when they win limited edition avatars. Shugo becomes Kite and his twin sister Rena becomes Black Rose. Though Shugo isn't particularly interested in playing due to his lack of video game skills, he agrees to go online in order to spend time with Rena because she lives apart from him. But there is little time for bonding, as their notorious avatars get Shugo and Rena much attention, and a near constant wave of trouble. As moderators and older players recognize the two as the original .Hack avatars, they're alarmed at the strange circumstances that surround Shugo and Rena. Monsters of very high level appear near them and have the ability to regenerate themselves. During his first battle, Shugo is killed in the game, and as he floats in unconsciousness, he meets Aura, who gives him the Twilight Bracelet which allows him to use Data Drain to defeat the powerful monsters. Unfortunately, it only works periodically because Shugo is too inexperienced to wield it correctly. Soon after, in another difficult battle, Rena is separated from her party, and she is defeated; but instead of simply logging off, her character and consciousness become trapped in an unknown area of The World and her real life body lapses into a coma. She too meets Aura, but Aura is unable to resurrect her. She sends an e-mail to Shugo, hoping that he'll be able to track it and find her. Shugo desperately searches for his sister with the help of Mireille, a young mage that's obsessed with rare items, Orca, a renowned fighter in The World, Sanjuro, who was present during the original Twilight Incident, Hotaru, a weak yet caring character, and later, Balmung, a system admin who is fired for being too embroiled in the missing characters case. As they investigate, the team discovers that a group of hackers is responsible for the indefeasible monsters, and also for the missing characters. If defeated by one of the hacked monsters, a player's consciousness becomes stuck in the game, believing that they have died. The administration of The World also have this information, and in attempts to stop all illegal activities, they begin a mass deletion of all characters with modified items or edited avatars. Shugo is chased because of his strange avatar, and many innocent players are exterminated from the game because of these harsh tactics. Desperate to find Rena before he's banned from The World, Shugo trains continuously, and as he wields the Data Drain with efficiency, he finds the portal that opens with defeated monsters leads to an unfinished area, which explains why the characters, once stuck there, cannot exit. Shugo and his team travel to the area and meets up with both the group of hackers responsible, and the system administration. But a wandering AI, a more vicious version of Aura, attacks them, sending all but one of the hackers into a coma, as well as all the admins. Shugo and his team survives, only to see that Rena is being used to spread a virus that will cause them to literally "die" in The World. Shugo defeats the wandering AI, who, it turns out, was only following the orders of the last hacker. The hackers had planned to make death a possibility in The World, but because of Shugo's intervention, they fail, and The world is returned to normal: those who were in comas regain consciousness, and Shugo and Rena finally get to spend time together. Review: Maybe if you went in with really low expectations, a couple of drinks, and paper bags to put over the characters’ heads, .Hack//Dusk would be bearable. Otherwise, in its full sober glory, this series was twelve episodes of flop. I mean, they couldn’t even do twincest right. I’m all for the kinky relationships, but Shugo’s crush on his sister was even too creepy for me! I’m not sure how a fourteen year-old can be seedy, but Shugo certainly nailed it (just like he nails Rena behind the scenes). But why dwell on that one sordid little subplot? Because it’s the only two minutes of the series that held my interest. .Hack//Dusk is full of one-dimensional characters, cutesy art with disturbingly flagrant sexual undertones, an unimpressive musical score, and a plot that was made up by the last obsessive fan of The Outer Limits. Saving the world seemed uncharacteristically easy (sort of like Rena in the familial sack). The feeling during .Hack//Sign -the ability to relate to the characters because they so closely resembled those we really do meet online- is completely lost in its sister series. What .Hack//Sign boasted in intriguing plot, realistically developed characters, sympathetic situations, and stunning design, .Hack//Dusk counters with Boredom, Boob jokes, and Barely legal relationships. Don’t ruin the whimsy of The World that was created with the original series, and just leave .Hack//Dusk beside Rena, safely secured in Shugo’s closet. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Hana Dorei: Kaoru Ayamoto is a young apprentice under the great painter, Junichiro. He admires his master's work, but is constantly distracted by his wife, Reika. Several times he spies on his master and Reika during their bondage and humiliation sessions. He wishes for one night alone with her. To his surprise, his wish comes true after Junichiro suddenly drops dead. A funeral is held, and no investigation is launched, but rumors of murder run rampant. Reika's outspoken and loose sister, Karen, assumes she's being blamed, and makes a spectacle of herself at the wake, telling everybody to mind their own business. Not particularly moved by the loss of his master, Ayamoto uses the chance to have his way with Reika. He corners her, and rapes her- abusing her in the same fashion her late husband did. Night after night, Ayamoto lets his sadistic side out to play. As his dedication to painting decreases alarmingly, Kayuki (the family's maid) conspicuously displays her hidden feelings for Ayamoto by asking Reika to cease 'distracting' him. Cold and affronted, Reika refuses. The following day, Dr. Horibe, Junichiro's private physician, visits the house and asks for compensation for writing a “natural causes” death certificate. He takes payment in the form of Reika's body, but shortly after, collapses, dead. Horrified, Reika calls Kayuki to her, and under scrutiny the girl admits to poisoning both the doctor and Junichiro. Though she killed Horibe to protect Reika, she killed Junichiro for much more personal reasons. Her mother, a former maid of the house, was Junichiro's lover. Together they bore a child- Kayuki. However, when the painter married Reika, Kayuki's mother committed suicide, leaving her and Junichiro alone. Once Kayuki became a young woman, he began abusing her as well. Unable to endure the reality that her sole family member was so twisted, Kayuki killed him. Although Reika is surprised by the news, she dons her cool facade, and when police come to investigate the disappearance of Dr. Horibe, she calmly tells them that she hadn't seen him since the night of the funeral. Meanwhile, Ayamoto is approached by Karen, who is irritated by the idea of being outdone by her sister. She tells Ayamoto that she's much better, and invites him to do anything he pleases to her willing body. Possessed by an irrational hatred of Karen trying to replace the woman he obsesses over, he whips her, beats her, and humiliates her. Though he continues to play S&M games with Reika, Ayamoto includes Karen to further taunt her. However, Reika is so turned on by being watched, that the two sisters become insatiable, to the point that Ayamoto cannot handle their lust. The following day the police return to question Kayuki alone, but stop short when the house begins to burn down. Caught in mad passion, Karen and Reika are oblivious as their home is engulfed by flames. Witnessing this, Ayamoto is suddenly inspired, and refuses to leave before he finishes sketching the two women, making love, and burning to death. After the fire is extinguished, Reika and Karen are pronounced dead, and the murder of Dr. Horibe is attributed to the two insane sisters. Kayuki, still loving Ayamoto, takes care of him while he recovers from his burns. During his convalescence, his inspiration holds strong and he's soon a recognized artist for his unique, unsettling pieces. He and Kayuki start a life together and settle into a small apartment in the city. However, behind closed doors, when he starts being intimate with his girlfriend, Ayamoto begins to feel the itch for sadistic release. Review: Vegetable sex. Pee play. Double penetration. Whipping. Enemas. Rope bondage. Rope bondage in a tree. Fisting. Sister sex. Sister sex, while burning alive, being watched by the emergency fire brigade, and being sketched by a sadist. What is there NOT to like about this? Well, the list above for one thing. There's also the plethora of terrible art: mitten hands, angry testicles, gaping vagina maws, weirdly colored bodily fluids, stiff or slidey animation. Hana Dorei has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It's more of a curiosity than a hentai, and even that's being generous. Even the main theme, Reika being a muse for paintings, makes no sense, as the art “inspired” by her in the throes of passion look nothing like her. Perhaps one needs to suffer from Ayamoto's specific mental condition to see the resemblance. And on the subject of Sergent Sadism, Ayamoto is a TERRIFYING main character. His crazed sex face is a fine line between bad art, and a horrifying Dali painting. He goes from an awkward apprentice to a sadistic maniac in the blink of an eye, suddenly acquiring a plethora of sex toys and the uncanny ability to set up elaborate rope bondage within minutes. The lines spouted during these slap and tickle sessions are so awful- even when watching the original dialog. “My body's going numb”. That's a stroke. “I want to eat his cock.” I think she meant that literally. And “please pay attention to my sister, I can make do with just a vibrator.” Thank you, and goodnight. By the time Reika and Karen cross over from being secret sexual deviants to full-fledged fucktards, it's almost comedic. The final scene, wherein they burn alive having incestuous lesbian sex, is like a PSA from your local church. It was true all along- being gay DOES damn you to roast like a chicken in a KFC. Though, oddly enough, whipping girls and then peeing into the open wounds grants you fame, fortune, and an unfulfilling vanilla relationship with a homely girl who complains if you slap her titties around. Life sure is funny. BAMBOO ROOT SEX. Rates: 0.5/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Heartwork Love Guns: A cursed gun belonging to an infamous assassin falls into the unwitting hands of Yuu Asakura, a simple and awkward student, who then becomes possessed with a kind of violent sexual insanity that sends him careening down an unstoppable slope of murder and pleasure. All around this fated object people succumb to their most base desires of rape and carnage, and soon the lives of all near it are torn asunder - Yuu Asakura's step-mother seduces her own son, his class mate frantically holds students hostage in the school, and his potential girlfriend and local teen prostitute become embroiled in a ménage à trois! The only question remains, will Yuu survive the power he's stumbled upon or descend into madness? Review: How do you ruin one of the rare anime that involves consensual yet pleasantly kinky adult sex? Like you, I thought it would be impossible to fuck up such a good set up- but Heartwork managed to do just that. Firstly, they insist on launching into these long diatribes regarding the meaning of life and how hard it is to choose “the right path”. Hey- you know what causes the fastest derection in the world? That’s right, talking about feelings. It’s pretty much half and half in all three episodes: half hardcore sex, half frittering away what could have been well-used porking time on philosophy so profound you’d study it in a first year college course- or better yet, a psychic hotline. Tell you what, for a more sexual take on Heartwork, every time the characters put their clothes back on and start waxing idiotic, DO call your preferred clairvoyant friend, and I guarantee it will be a lot sexier than listening to Yuu’s adolescent whining. I could have PERHAPS given away a few more points to Heartwork if it had made a saving grace with its art. Sadly, it did not. These characters look like they were drawn by some Western studio trying to make their characters “look all kewl like that Japanese Animations!”. If you’re not going to animate your porn, and you’re going to try to inject a shitty plot into it, then AT LEAST spend some time making sure your characters don’t look like forum fanart. Seriously. The final straw, the thing that takes me from disappointment to HATE, is the backgrounds. HOLY CHRIST, is it 1996, AGAIN!? Because I could have SWORN I rendered those backgrounds using the first release of 3D Studio Max, while dithering away lunch in THE COMP SCI LAB. Fuck you, Heartwork-you and your asinine characters, your mother-fucking (literally) main man, and your art student animation team- FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EYE. This shit isn’t even worth laughing at. IT’S TOO INFURIATING. Rates: 0/5 Tapes: Three Episode OAV.