Gongaga Yaoi: Review

For Daiku Maryu Gaiking: See Gaiking
For Dark Love: See Kuro Ai
For Dark Myth: See The Dark Myth
For Demon Fighter Kocho: See Yakusai Kocho
For Demon King of the Heavens: See Gaiking
For Demon Warrior Koji: See Kairauku Satsujin Chousakan Koji
For Descendants of Darkness: See Yami No Matsuei
For Dominion Tank Police 2: See New Dominion Tank Police
For Earthsea: See Tales from Earthsea
For Escaflowne, The Series: See Vision of Escaflowne
For Evangelion: See Neon Genesis Evangelion
For Festival de los Robots: El Gladiador: See Gaiking
For Fight for the Netherworld: See Yuyu Hakusho, Poltergeist Report
For Fuyumi no Semi: See Winter Cicada

D
	Note: Originally a three-episode OAV, Manga Entertainment spliced the original segments of the series into one movie. The original third episode concludes nothing due to the director abandoning the project. It continues with the series Great Dangaioh. Dangaioh: Professor Tarson collected four young psychics from different corners of the universe to pilot the mecha, Dangaioh. In order to ensure their cooperation, Tarson erased the memories of Mia Alice, a girl from earth, Roll Kuran, the heart of Dangaioh and an ex-member of the resistance against Garimos' government, Pai Thunder, a talented fighter, and Lamda Nom, the princess of a world destroyed by Garimos. Once they discover their memories have been tampered with, the pilots flee and attempt to find their pasts. As they seek their home planets, the team learns that each of them are in their current struggle due to Garimos and his disciple Gil-Burg. Intent on ending his rein of evil, the Dangaioh team rejoin Professor Tarson in order to learn more about themselves and to train under his tutelage. To lure the Dangaioh team out, Gil-Burg attacks Earth. While battling there, Roll is kidnapped by the remains of the resistance he once lead. They're bitter about his disappearance, and believe he deserted them. Though Roll can't remember what happened, he agrees to join in an infiltration of Garimos' ship. While fighting, Roll remembers that he didn't simply leave his comrades, he was betrayed. Several of his closest resistance fighters were double agents, and when confronted by Garimos' henchmen, he recognizes his past friends. Meanwhile, the remaining Dangaioh team rush out to accompany Roll and fight by his side. As they arrive, their ships combine into Dangaioh, and with the fierce power of Roll's rage against the treacherous men he once called friends, they are able to cripple Garimos and destroy his army. To finish off the evil overlord, Tarson tells the team they must use their psychic powers, and he will use the last bit of energy from his ship to transport them into space and save them. They argue that he will die if he doesn't use the transporter on himself, but Tarson refuses: he once worked for Garimos, and he intents to get the closure of seeing the tyrannical leader killed. With their last ounce of strength, the Dangaioh team destroy Garimos' mech, causing their own robot to fracture. At the last moment, they are teleported to space, and drift there. Below, Gil-Burg emerges from the rubble, swearing revenge. Review: Why did Manga Entertainment feel the need to hack this series to bits and paste it back together into a shitstorm that makes no sense? Originally, at least it had a comprehensible plot, and original Japanese dialogue. Unfortunately, with the dub release, there's only English voice tracks available because it would have been impossible to salvage the original dialogue among the massive cutting and reorganizing these people thought was "a rather good idea". Well, we can't all be geniuses, and the English voice cast are clearly lacking at least a few critical facets of intelligence. Their acting is dull, interspersed with pointless swearing, idiotic colloquialisms, and for some strange reason, tangents about French fries. Oh dear, they'll have to re-dub that into freedom fries if they want it to sell now. Fortunately, even among the piece-meal storyline of the dub, the art of Dangaioh still shines through. The mecha designs are fantastic, and the people have the charming 80's style many of us grew up with and love to this day. The music was also retained, and definitely helps this shoddy translation stand alone. I loved the original track, and thank the higher powers that they kept it. At least you can listen to this release while nancing around the house. Just try not to comprehend what the fuck is going on with the scene transitions. But seriously, what the FUCK is going on with the scene transitions? I can understand cutting a slower feature for today's nano-second attentioned audience, but they could have at least made sure the characters matched up. From one cut to the next, people warp around the scene, disappear, or suddenly appear in different outfits. Mr. Director, please hand in your red pen of editing, because I need it to stab you in the eye. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Note: Based on the hentai video game, Darling. Darling: Jun Kitano and Miyuki are newlyweds, beginning their life together as most couples do; with an x-rated honeymoon. But the sex doesn’t stop after the first night of wedded bliss: Jun is an erotic manga artist, desperately looking for work. His job-searching falls, quite literally, into his lap when Miss Mifuji, an executive from a publishing company, proposes that Jun draw a hentai anthology. There’s only one stipulation: he must complete it within a month. Jun is skeptical at this inhuman timeline, but Miss Mifuji’s admission that she’ll be made into her bosses’ sex slave if she fails to find an artist is incentive enough to make Jun accept the job. In order to complete the project, Jun unleashes his super power: hyper erection mode. With Miyuki’s help, Jun gets aroused and draws feverishly, completing whole chapters within a day. Dressing up Miyuki in costumes serves as Jun’s inspiration, and he pens six short stories, each with a different flavor, a unique kink, and the female lead in a new, sexy outfit. Review: I must admit, my initial impression of Darling was pretty bad. Yes, yes, the hot naked chicks are fine, but Miyuki's hair is OUT of CONTROL- don't touch the electrical socket, retard. For a hentai, the first sex scene is also pretty unimpressive, and features the magical GLOWING G SPOT we all know and hate. After bracing myself for disappointment, the only place Darling had to go was up (wang pun intended, haw!), and, surprisingly, up it went. The greatness started when they introduced Hyper Erection Mode. WTF at it all you want, but Jun has the best job ever! He draws, he orders his girlfriend to wear hot outfits for "inspiration", watches sci-fi between furious sex, and gets into threesomes (repeatedly!). Once you get past that this is, in part, a parody, it's pretty damn hot… Well- except for the trumpet sex. Call me old fashioned, but before seeing Darling, a chick playing instruments with her cooch didn't occur to me as a kink. It really is a weird mix of hilarity, horn-dogness, and difficulty keeping aroused while laughing uproariously. Some choice slogans, as shouted by Jun (usually during a close up of his boner-tent): PORN IS THE SPIRIT OF MAN, A porn manga artist never lies, and, my favorite, "let me examine the durability of the underwear". That has to go on a T-shirt, complete with shiny boobs. And speaking of the jumblies, the boob animation is just- WOW. You know what they say: draw what you love, but that jiggle is more than just anti-gravity, it's SENTIENT. But when all is said, done, and we’re enjoying the obligatory cigarette, Darling does the job. It's hot, it's entertaining, it has enough kinks to placate the perviest otaku, and I'll be damned if I didn't actually enjoy the plot. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Dead Leaves: A man and a woman wake up, on Earth, completely naked, and devoid of all memories. The man, sporting a TV for a head, is dubbed "Retro", while the woman, having a red circle around one eye, is dubbed "Pandy". Having no recollection of what their purpose in life is, the two fly off on a wild looting and killing spree, stealing clothes, cars, and money. However, they're quickly apprehended by the authorities, and shipped off to the lunar prison, "Dead Leaves". There Pandy and Retro are zipped up in straight jackets, and hauled around the prison on meat hooks, along with several hundred other felons. While incarcerated, Retro meets a fellow inmate named Chinko Drill, who, despite being bundled in a straight jacket, has a giant phallic drill protruding from his bounds. Quickly growing bored of being locked up, and knowing the other prisoners would be easy accomplices, Pandy and Retro break free (through the time-tested method of raucous sex to loosen their bonds). Retro, Pandy, and Chinko slaughter their way out of the prison, which -upon exploration- they discover is a hidden genetic testing facility. The set up triggers vague memories in both Pandy and Retro, but neither can fully reconstruct their past. However, they have little time to dwell on it, as Pandy discovers she's with child, and (simultaneously) their ship is attacked by the Dead Leaves guards. As the prisoners and police clash, Pandy finds that the person behind the genetic testing is her sister, who explains she's been searching for the gene bundles contained in clones such as herself and Retro. The two siblings clash, and Pandy is quickly beaten back. But before she can be destroyed for her gene bundle, her child emerges, fully formed, and takes out the entire Dead Leaves facility, while Pandy and Retro escape on their ship. Pandy remarks that she conceived, gave birth, and lost a child within a few short hours- but remains nonplussed. Review: Admittedly, I was skeptical going into something with designs that strayed so obviously from the anime “style”. I was wary of some ill fated East meets West crossover that would only end badly. But I was very pleasantly surprised by what Dead Leaves presented: flawless animation, amazing graphic style, and exceptionally well thought out design. Several times I found myself reminded of Cool World or The Maxx; snappy action scenes and drama alike retain the dark humor that’s prevalent throughout Dead Leaves. The designs weren’t the only thing that made this film stand out: the way in which the story is told, and the shots chosen, are like a comic book brought to life. I didn’t find it at all weird as sound effects scrolled across the screen, animating along with the characters. It fit, it was fresh, and what can I say- I liked it. However, Dead Leaves isn’t what I would call an “easy watch”. There’s so much action, and all of it so well done, that it’s something that requires all your concentration –or several viewings- to completely absorb. But it certainly wasn’t action for the sake of it. All the fast paced chases and fights are balanced out by the character’s dry, witty, and very real-life interaction. I never thought, when I first saw Retro, that I would be able to call a character with a TV for a head “real”, but the lines are just so well written that it was easy to see the character as a person, and believe his interaction with Pandy. I’ve read a few reviews that panned Dead Leaves- and I can see how people could hate it. It’s very much a comic book, so if you’re not a fan of that type of story telling, then I advise you to go in with an open mind, or save yourself the trouble. For the rest of you- swallow your fear of renting an anime that doesn’t feature big eyes and shiny boobs, because Dead Leaves is a must-see. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Death Note: Yagami Light is extremely studious and well mannered, intent on following in his father's footsteps, to become the city's police chief. But under this "perfect son" façade, Light is taciturn and bored. Having heard the city's most brutal crimes from his father, Light judges humanity very harshly and has lost faith in the prevalence of good. However, Light's apathy turns to a sociopathic fervor to cleanse the world when he finds a Death Note (a Death God's repository of doomed names) and ascertains that, with only a name and a face, he can use it to end lives within minutes. Possessed by the malevolently childlike Death God, Ryuk, Light is privy to snippets of the Underworld's workings. When he's feeling talkative, Ryuk tells Light that the Death Gods have become lazy and boring, and solely to inject some entertainment in his life, Ryuk dropped his Death Note into the human plane. Though Light's execution of innumerable criminals is appreciated by the public (and he gains enough notoriety that they dub their unknown savior "Kira"), it rouses great unease among the police force, and they launch an in-depth investigation. But with imprisoned criminals dying of heart attacks en mass, with no plausible culprit nearby, the case is transferred to the mysterious but brilliant detective, "L". With access to his father's files, Light is aware that he has been noticed and his movements are leading the police closer to his true identity. Especially wary of L's brilliance, Light sets out to disguise his movements, and a deadly game of cat & mouse ensues. But the power of the Death Note is so great and so unique, that L begins to suspect Light enough that he transfers to Light's school and strikes up a friendship. Though L and Light's dad are working together to solve the Kira crimes, L doesn't keep his suspicions of Light a secret. In order to keep a constant eye on him, as well as taking advantage of Light's substantial deducing skills, L asks Light to join the investigation. Though he agrees, Light finds it increasingly difficult to hide his identity when a copy-cat appears, claiming to be "The real Kira". Clearly aware that it isn't himself, but trying to hide his knowledge, Light's double-life becomes all the more complex as he attempts to find the Second Kira before he's given away. The Second Kira is not as adept at hiding as Light and immediately gives himself away as a fraud, as well as dropping super-natural clues by mentioning Death Gods. Furious and worried for his own safety, Light agrees to work with the Kira Investigators to draw out the copy-cat. Much to his surprise, completely separate of the investigation, Light is the one who’s found by the copy-cat: Amane Misa, the well known idol, acquired the power of the Death Note and has been killing in order to get Kira’s attention. She worships him because her parent’s murderer was one of the many criminals put to death by Light’s judgment. Light is taken aback by her feverish declarations of love and devotion, but because she possesses the Death God eyes and can kill solely by seeing a person’s face, Light realizes he needs her to put an end to L. Light attempts to both guide Misa and continue to work covertly on L’s team, but Misa’s erratic and immature behavior makes it an arduous task. Soon Misa's dependence on Light’s knowledge and her inability to independently outfox L gets her caught. L captures her and questions her mercilessly. With her identity almost certainly revealed as the copy-cat Kira, L's suspicion of Light is also increased. But neither of them is willing to confess. Despite being extremely frightened of her unknown captor, Misa's fierce love for Light stops her from relating any information about the Death Note. However, the ordeal is too much for Misa, and assured that her feelings for Light will always remain, she makes a deal with her Death God, Rem, and gives up ownership of her Death Note. With the bond broken, her Death God eyes and all memories of the Other World are erased. Aware of Misa's predicament, and under Rem's threat of death if he doesn't save her, Light crafts a plan. He makes sure Rem's Death Note falls into new hands, assuring "Kira" will still be active. His own Death Note he buries and instructs Ryuk that when he gives the signal, he is to break his ownership of the Death Note. With that, Light turns himself in, claiming he too suspects himself, but that he is unaware of his actions as Kira. L doesn't buy the story, and incarcerates Light as well. But not long after, Light gives the sign, and he gives up ownership of his Death Note, wiping his memories. With both his prime suspects completely amnesiatic, and clearly not feigning their ignorance, L is completely lost. Eventually, when the Kira killings begin anew, he is forced to release Misa and Light. However, his suspicions are not completely laid to rest, and he places Misa under surveillance and handcuffs Light to himself (much to Misa's irritation). The case continues, but this time the suspect is not intelligent nor is he trying to hide. Sure in his power as part of one of the biggest CEOs in Japan, Higuchi holds meetings with eight other businessmen. Though he never blatantly reveals he's Kira, even his colleagues suspect him. Having placed cameras in Higuchi's boardroom, L is also certain he is the new Kira, but refuses to catch him before he can witness the manner in which victims are killed. Though the police are repulsed by the idea of letting murders happen simply to gather information, L insists, and an elaborate set up is created to catch Higuchi in the act. Meanwhile, when she isn't working on her idol career, Misa tries to help Light on the case, but finds herself out-witted and useless. Desperate to be useful for Light, Misa approaches Higuchi to gain a confession from him. In the process, she puts herself in great danger, and Rem once again reveals himself to her. He tells her about the past: that Light was Kira, that she was the second Kira, and that a Death Note is responsible for the killings. With Misa's information L's set-up for Higuchi works, and they force him into trying to kill: but even though he writes the name in plain view, even L doesn't know what to make of it. Regardless, they apprehend Higuchi, and upon touching his Note, all of Light’s memories return, along with his previous Machiavellian personality. Review: It took exactly two episodes before I was entirely enraptured in this anime; and I mean this literally- to the point that I would forego sleep to keep watching. The story is so absolutely gripping that anybody will be drawn in. Firstly, just to calm the hard-core animation enthusiasts out there, the technical aspects (design, animation, music) of Death Note are absolutely flawless. They’re done in such a way that they integrate perfectly with the story, and after an initial appreciation of the budget and meticulousness put into this, you’ll simply start taking it for granted as par for Death Note’s Grade A course. For those of you who’ve heard a few things about the series, and are wary of the crime-solving aspect, I’m not generally a fan of detective stories, either. Solving mysteries isn’t the type of thing I’m easily interested in. But Death Note just does it all so perfectly. Perhaps it’s seeing both sides equally, and, as an audience member, you KNOW the truth, so all your sympathies go toward either Light or L (or both) as they match wits. The intelligence with which they investigate and deceive one another is really what will have you watching episode after episode. L is always on the brink of catching Kira, but Light draws on his desperation and (frankly) his madness to be the victor. The dynamics between characters is so perfect (and, for those fangirls who are just waiting to hear if it’s worth their while- it’s perfectly slashy too) and realistic, despite their entirely unusual personalities. There’s a whole array of characters, all of whom are very personable, but none of which have a typical way of acting. If you’re keen on rooting for the bady, Light will probably rock your socks. He’s all for Ends justifying the Means, and he does it in a delightfully insane way, all the while maintaining his good-boy act. A great portion of the fans, myself included, immediately fell in love with L- his quirky genius-type habits will have you either hating him or dropping dead with MOE. I’m convinced they spent half the budget per episode on animating him eating sweets erotically. And on that note, I have to cut my review (and my summary) short; if you read my anime review regularly, you’ll know I shamelessly give away plots from beginning to end. But this time I just can’t bring myself to do it- if you can keep yourself from being spoiled, do so, watch the series ignorant of the end, and join the rest of us in wailing. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Note: This summary contains spoilers. Only read if you’ve seen the complete series, or if you’re absolutely sure you don’t give a shit. Death Note OAV2: Light’s victory is short lived, as he’s quickly introduced to L’s successor. Initially, the SPK wanted two boys to continue the Kira investigation: Near and Mello. But Mello, forever competitive with Near, refused to work with him and went off on his own, claiming he would solve the case by his own means. Near, being more cautious and level-headed, accepted and continued the investigation where L left off. With Light firmly planted in the police force, he often communicates with Near about the case, essentially working with him at a distance, all the while continuing to act as Kira. However, the subtle ruse between Light and Near is shattered by Mello’s brash way of asserting his victory. By inserting himself in the mob, Mello uses the gangsters to kidnap Light’s sister, and holds her for ransom. The price? The Death Note. Meanwhile the Shinigami, Shidou (the true owner of Ryuk’s second Note, which Light has been using) comes to Earth to reclaim it. He makes contact with Mello, who is now the owner of the Note after successfully making the trade with the police. Though he hasn’t used it, Mello infers which rules pertaining to the Note are fake (throwing Light’s innocence into question among the minds of his men), how people are killed, and the exact way in which it works. But the Note doesn’t stay in Mello’s hands long, as the police organize a raid in which Sergeant Yagami makes the trade for the Shinigami Eyes in order to see Mello’s true name and threaten him so he’ll return the Note. Due to this plan, Light is forced to give up possession of his Note (instructing Ryuk to give it to Mikami, a loyal follower of Kira’s public persona), so that it won’t be apparent to his father that he’s Kira. In order to retain his memory, he carries Misa’s Note with him at all times. Though the police manage to retrieve Mello’s Note, Mello just barely escapes by demolishing his hideout. Shortly after he’s rescued from the fray, Sergeant Yagami dies. With the investigation team disheartened and many of the SPK’s leads destroyed, Light pushes his plan for Mikami forward, making contact with him through their mutual friend (and ardent Kira-supporting reporter), Takada. Light carefully orchestrates a misleading trail of clues so that Near will suspect Makami is the wielder of Kira’s power and the owner of the Death Note, all the while using Takada to actually write down the name of the judged on torn pieces of the original book; the Notebook which Makami is in possession of is a fake. With this plan in place he agrees to meet Near, who is now confident that he’s located the real Death Note and altered it to make it useless, and his SPK team in a matter of days at a location of their choosing. Before this fateful showdown can occur, Mello reappears and kidnaps Takada in a dramatic attack, forcing her to use a scrap of paper hidden on her person to kill Mello herself before Light sweeps the whole situation under the rug by using his scrap of Death Note to have Takada burn all the evidence and herself alive. With the meeting still on, and with Makami now using what Light believes to be the real Death Note, the two groups come together. At the final moment Makami sneaks a peek into the warehouse and quickly writes down the name of everyone but Light, who then relishes in his victory and openly claims that he’s won. However, as the seconds tick by, no one dies… and Near reveals that he expected this all along and replaced the real Death Note with a fake after seeing Takada’s name written in Makami’s own book. Frantic and bordering on a psychotic episode, Light attempts to kill everyone with the scrap hidden in his watch before being gunned down by an emotional Masuda. Makami plunges his pen into his own chest, and during the confusion Light stumbles out to the industrial district, dying bloodied and alone on a staircase after Ryuk himself writes Light’s name in his own Death Note. His final fading vision is of L, standing over his dying body. Review: L’s death was a brilliant moment in the series- it was dramatic and marked the end of Kira’s pursuit. At least, it should have. You can’t kill half of a protagonist duo, and continue on with the series! The climax has happened. It’s difficult to peak people’s interests after that point. And I really did have a hard time getting into the second half of Death Note- it felt like an afterthought; the art was shoddy, the music simply remixed from OAV1, and many main characters (such as Ryuk) have little to no screen time. The new characters –L’s replacements- Near and Mello were such irritating facsimiles of L that it made them nearly unbearable. Perhaps somebody who’s less of an L fan would be more open to finding their uniqueness, but their brand of “oh, look how quirky we are solving mysteries” only succeeded in pissing me off. In the first season, you could follow the logic used by L or Light, and as an audience member, it was what made the series engaging. The 2nd OAV completely lacks this, to the point that moves made by Light and Near are convoluted or completely incomprehensible (even when they blatantly explain it). Initially, both L and Light were shown working hard to come to their conclusions, setting up traps, thinking ahead, and scheming at a moment’s notice when things went beyond their control. Near, on the other hand, plays with toys and extrapolates on things he apparently pulls out of his ass. He’s less a “brilliant detective” and more of a psychic. He figures things out so quickly and with so little research that I just lost interest- he’ll figure it out by magic, so who the fuck cares? It’s not that the second OAV doesn’t have great moments- my interest was piqued by Light’s complex triangle of followers using the Death Notes, but even THAT lost its edge as it became such a muddle of fake notes, traitors, and Near apparently knowing everything despite never leaving his room or installing bugs, that I simply kept watching to see the end. And end it did: Everybody I hated stayed alive. Near, Misa (well, it’s debatable whether she off’ed herself, but regardless we didn’t get a satisfying death scene), and Masuda. Everybody I could have liked died: Sergeant Yagami, Mikami, Mello, Matt- and of course, Light (though maybe saying I “liked” his character is a bit strong. He was a melba toast man turned into a complete fucking loon). At least the last thing he saw before he died was L- but even that bit of fangirl glory doesn’t make this tacked on sack of crap worth watching. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Series with progressive plot on each.
	Demon City Shinjuku: Ten years ago, in a battle between the evil Levih-Rah and his adversary, Genichirou Izayoi, Shinjuku was destroyed by a demonic Earthquake. Since that time the area has been infested with monsters. Currently, Levih-Rah is preparing to open the gate between Earth and the demonic realm. He begins his attack on humanity by imprisoning Earth's greatest defender, the man who ended all nuclear war, President Rama. Aware of the impending fight between good and evil, the president's daughter, Sayaka approaches Genichirou's son, Kyoya. She pleads with him to use his skills in Nempo (a mystical sword technique) to defeat Levih-Rah. But Kyoya is a regular high-school kid, and doesn't feel like he should be involved. Insisting he's not his father and doesn't care, he sends Sayaka away. With no other choice, she enters Shinjuku alone, seeking out Levih-Rah. It's not long before she's attacked, and Kyoya (feeling bad for letting her face such dangers alone) arrives to her rescue. Together they brave the monsters and scum who populate the area, aided on the way by the nihilist, Mephisto. With his help, they're able to find Levih-Rah's base, the three are separated, and Kyoya is trapped in an illusion, while Sayaka is left in the real world surrounded by specters of those who died in the quake. Though she possesses no supernatural ability, Sayaka's purity and genuine desire to hep the lost souls sends them away, and the Kyoya is freed. Finally up against Levih-Rah face to face, he seems to be an impossible opponent, countering every attack Kyoya attempts. During their clash, Kyoya is overpowered and thrown into a deep chasm. There he finds his father's sword, imbued with the soul of the man who fought against Levih-Rah before him. Kyoya takes the sword and accepts his destiny to fight for humanity, and is able to crush Levih-Rah, and seal the demons, returning Shinjuku to normal. Review: Ah, an oldie but a goodie. Demon City Shinjuku may parade its age around with a painful 80's soundtrack, but the animation and design are still bang on. The creatures, in particular, are extremely well put together, and really unique. It's a shame the characters are so unlikeable. Kyoya is basically a walking pecker, motivated solely by the desire to get in Sayaka's pants- which begs the question WHY. She's a useless twat whose only skill is getting herself into constant peril. And yet, despite being attacked by fifty foot monsters, she emerges unscathed, save for her dress, which becomes progressively more tattered in all the right places. Mephisto is the token brooding demon sympathizer with unclear motives, and takes to belittling humanity, possibly because of early childhood abuse. One of his more memorable soliloquies is “humans kill one-another in wars, so letting them die at the hands of demons is no different”. I too enjoy pulling philosophy out of my ass, but the fact remains that war seldom involves POSION HAIR MONSTERS. Finally, there's Levih-Rah, the only character who boarders on poor design. Throughout the movie he starts looking more and more like a wrinkly Vash the Stampede, and spends his lonely days talking to his dead adversary. Man, let it go, you ripped off the guy's limbs and then stabbed him to death A DECADE AGO. Despite the lackluster characters, this film has a strong plot, and is driven forward at a pace that makes it a quick, entertaining watch. If you're after a supernatural action flick that's easy on the eyes, ripe with demonic battles, and won't badger you with philosophy, queue up Demon City Shinjuku. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Digimon, Diablomon Strikes Back: Four years after the initial attack from Diabolomon, a new threat is now consuming both the real and digital world. Kuramon, a small unthreatening digital monster, have found a way to open gates between the 'net and real world using people's cel-phones and PCs. Being internet savvy, as well as one of the chosen children, Koushirou investigates these strange visits. He discovers that the source of the disturbance is yet again Diabolomon; he is sill alive, and was not destroyed by Taichi and Yamato as everybody previously thought. Koushirou gathers the remaining chosen children, intent on stopping the attack before it becomes too grave. He sends Taichi and Yamato into the 'net to attack Diabolomon at the source, and instructs Miyako, Hikari, Takeru, Iori, Ken and Daisuki to remain in the real world capturing the loose Kuramon. Alarmed that their brothers' are fighting such a powerful beast alone, Takeru and Hikari follow Yamato and Taichi into the 'net, and fight along side them. But the combined power of Omegamon, Angewomon, and Angemon is not enough to control Diabolomon and the thousands of Kuramon that spawn around him. Countless gates to the real world begin opening, allowing the Kuramon to escape in droves. They head to a beach in Odaiba. The chaos is beginning to grow; Tokyo is completely without power due to the rapid teleportation of Kuramon into the real world and crowds gather at the beach, wondering what the mass of Kuramon are doing. Meanwhile, Ken and Daisuki attempt to make their way to Odaiba on foot. Daisuki argues with Ken about whether they should enter the digital world. Daisuki is intent on saving Hikari, but Ken convinces him they're needed in the real world. As they sprint across the city, Daisuke and Ken meet Jyou, who lends them a bicycle; with the added speed, the two arrive on the beach just in time to see the masses of Kuramon transform into Armagemon. Back in his office, Koushirou is alarmed at the sheer mass of data contained in this new monster. Assembled, it is impossible to return it to the 'net. It's simply too large. Omegamon, along with Taichi and Yamato, exit the 'net and clash with Armagemon. However, he is incredibly powerful, and defeats Omegamon by deflecting his force blast. Omegamon is left in stasis, while Taichi and Yamato look on in shock. Daisuke and Ken rush up, commanding their digimon to evolve into Imperial Dramon, who takes arms against Armagemon. The fight is fierce, and it looks nearly hopeless for Imperial Dramon, until the hearts of the Chosen Children combine in a force of hope for Armagemon's defeat. This hope solidifies itself into a Holy Ring, which transforms into a sword that Paladin Imperial Dramon wields with new strength against Armagemon. In one strike, the evil monster is destroyed, and bursts into thousands of data shreds, which every spectator does his part to capture and delete in their cel-phone. And so, Armagemon is destroyed, and the chosen children rest easy. Review: The Digimon movies never fail to impress me. As the fourth instalment in the series of feature films, and based on the second OAV, the plot is still fresh and interesting. Of course, this interest isn’t stemmed from the piece-meal monsters and convoluted fight-for-the-plant subplot, it’s the characters that drive this series. The subtle relationships between them that grow with every episode are still present in this movie, and I was especially happy to see the kids from OAV1 and OAV2 working together. It simply solidifies the complexity that’s gone into the development for these characters. This is the main reason I wouldn’t recommend somebody who hasn’t seen the series to watch the movie. A lot of the subtext is going to be lost on those who don’ t know Ken’s past, or Sora’s crushes, or Daisuke’s lovely enamourment with Taichi. And for those who have seen the series, the movie is a leap from the graphic design used in the show. It’s more rough, with dulled, realistic colours, and simpler designs. I’m absolutely a fan of this style, as well as the flawless animation it lends itself to. I think any Digimon fan should make the effort to find this movie, because it’s definitely worth it. The fight scenes are scintillating, the characters believable, and the musical score will get anybody’s adrenaline pumping. Rates: 4.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Dominion Tank Police: It's 2010, and the politicians of Newport City are up in arms about the Tank Police, a private squad of law enforcement for hire. Though they do a good job catching criminals and solving cases, their state of the art tanks and brute tactics are costing millions of dollars in damage. The newest recruit to the Tank Police is Leona Ozaki, who was transferred from the city's police motorcycle division. Though she's ridiculed for being soft on criminals and not understanding the fine art of tanks, Leona is soon drawn into the biggest case of the century. The Baku gang has been hired to steal test samples from a clinic. The reason behind this heist is simple; the war left Newport enveloped in a bacterial cloud, to which all occupants have become immune. The race for finding actual, "healthy" people (i.e.: those not immune to the poison) has begun. With her job on the line, Leona rallies all her energies, and the help of her colleague Al, into building her own tank. This miniature war machine is dubbed "Bonaparte", and has the ability to reach speeds the larger tanks cannot. With Bonaparte's speed, Leona is able to dodge the Baku Gang's anti-tank defenses. Though Baku and his henchwomen the Puma Sisters escape, the culprits are identified, and the case is closed. Leona is hailed as the newest Tank Police, and is accepted by her crew, including the reticent Lieutenant Britain. However, Baku doesn't rest long. His new sights are for his own personal gain. He steals an 80 year old painting, which is worth a mint because it was the last known artwork created before the environmental destruction of the world. Pursued by the Red Commandos, FBI-like elite fighters, the Baku gang retreats to the safest place they know: The Tank Police headquarters. There, with the priceless art in hand, Baku takes Leona hostage, and escapes with her. Though he is badly wounded in the melee, and separated from the Puma Sisters, Baku is hell-bent on escaping with the painting. While being held captive, Leona begins to understand Baku: he is a clone, and heralds the painting, "Innocence", as his birth certificate. Though his reasons for stealing the painting were selfish, they weren't nefarious, and Leona respects that. She makes it her business to ensure the wounded Baku survives. She risks her life to help him escape the Red Commandos' pursuit. As the chase comes to a close, Baku and Leona come to a silent understanding. Baku lets the painting be reclaimed by the government, realizing an object can't define who he is. But true to his criminal nature, Baku can't let the day end so peacefully. As his last stand, he orders the Puma Sisters to destroy the Red Commandos' helicopter, and Innocence along with it. Review: What went wrong with Dominion Tank Police? It's as if within the first episode they had already run out of budget- and money was tight in the first place. Tank Police simply tried to be too many things, and failed at all of them. The mesh of whiny eco-conservatism, shoot-em-up police stunts, and downright retarded attempts at comedy just made for a confusing mess of unfinished plots and symbolism too vague for even the most stoned individual to rationalize. But then, that's what you get with a plot revolving around a tank. Tank Police starts off on the wrong foot with a long-winded intro, which features no animation whatsoever. You may as well fast forward this and save yourself fifteen long, boobless minutes of pans and the obligatory "angry chief" arguing with the mayor over criminal law. But don't hold off on that skip button, because you'll also want to avoid the intro song "Hot Dance in Cherry Moon". I think the name itself tells you why. Once the series begins, it never actually takes off. The characters are bland, and stereotypical. There's the tough guy, the religious guy, the nerdy guy (who's actually named SPECS), and of course, the hot manlove interest. But you don't actually get to see Leona's tater tots, because Al doesn't get that far. Luckily, for those of you watching this as a wankfest, the Puma Sisters DO bare all... In a featureless, disappointing sort of way. But if you're into furries, dig big guns, and enjoy countless shots of needlessly elaborate machinery, by all means, give this anime a watch. For the others, like me, who are simply annoyed by the slapstick humor, the jarring character designs, and the guns that make people dance (not die)- perhaps this is one classic you can skive over. Particularly if you're squicked by too much talk about pee. No, seriously. The first two episodes run their entire plot around pots of piss. This made it increasingly difficult to get off on the go-go terrorists stripping, bouncing, grinding, yet somehow ending up in bathing suits whenever it seemed full-on beaver was a certainty. After suffering the first three Acts of Dominion Tank Police, I simply gave up on trying to figure out how tanks with no treads could move, or why every building looked like a hobbit hole, or how inflatable wang balloons can stop a thousand-pound military vehicle. Apparently, physics doesn't exist in this universe; It's all about bacteria. In the end, with all the genres it tried to encompass, Dominion Tank Police ended up being your run of the mill coming-of-age story. Leona is accepted by the manly crew, she gets to knock socks with Al, and a new technophile is born. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Doujin Works: Najimi Osana is approached by her friend Tsuyuri to help out at a comic convention. Being completely ignorant of the subculture, Najimi agrees, and is flabbergasted- first by the subject matter of the books sold there, and then by the number of people willing to buy erotic fiction. While tending to Tsuyrui's table, Najimi is approached by her childhood friend, "Justice". Well dressed and imposing, Najimi is surprised to see Justice in such a niche environment, but he admits that he's the lead artist for a famous doujinshi circle. Although she's embarrassed to be even seen near doujinshi, Najimi is tempted by the amount of money popular artists can make. Despite not having drawn since middle-school, Najimi vows to become a famous doujinshi author. Enjoying seeing her friend squirm, Tsuyuri advises Najimi to get reference material, in the form of erotic games. While, very nervously, making the purchase, a young man named Junichiro Hoshi notices Najimi and finds her very interesting. Once she completes her first comic, and is selling it at the con, he buys a copy, even though it's terribly drawn. In addition to surprising Tsuyuri, Najimi's one "fan" evokes the competition of fellow amateur artist, Kaneru Nido. Nido is an office lady who fancies herself a part-time artist. However, her skill isn't much better than Najimi's. Taking pity on the two fledgling doujinshi authors, Justice and Tsuyuri take them under their experienced wings. While Justice advises Najimi, Tsuyuri has some sadistic fun with Nido, telling her that yaoi is the most popular subject matter she could choose, and drawing boy love will automatically make her books sell better than Najimi's. Although Nido is hesitant at first, she soon starts seeing male pairings everywhere -and to her own horror- quite enjoys the spectacle. As both Nido and Najimi's skills improve, their competition becomes all the more fierce. But due to Najimi's complete lack of exposure to how fandom works, her books end up being very odd, and start a small internet craze, resulting in more sales. Still blinded by his feelings for Najimi, and unable to see how poor her drawings really are, Hoshi takes the sales as a sign that she's about to become mainstream, and quits school in order to become her promoter. Despite all odds, Najimi is offered a chance to publish a manga through a real distributer- but the contract states that she must stop drawing doujinshi if she takes the job. Not ready to leave her friends, or the new world she's discovered, Najimi refuses, and continues to draw fan comics alongside Justice, Tsuyuri, and Nido. Review: DoujinWorks is a fantastic little series reminiscent of Lucky Star, and boasting that same off-beat spastic humor that appeals so well to us anime fans. It goes without saying that there are countless nods to fandom -not so many to specific anime- but certainly to the culture. However, Doujin Works manages to escape with a tangible plot. It's not just a list of geeky quirks we can laugh at- it has interesting characters, each a characterization of a stereotype, but also with a tangible personality away from their niche. Justice is a great example of this- I was very ready to flame that token stoic pretty-boy to a crisp, but I laughed more during his scenes than any other. He's brilliantly portrayed and warped into a comical character that comes out with an off-beat comment just when you're least expecting it. Although Justice evokes the most laugh-out-loud moments, Nido was easily my favorite character. Her descent from a happy go lucky fangirl into a perverted yaoi freak brought back fond memories of the first time I saw fanart of Ash and Gary hugging and though that was just fantastic. I'm sure many a reader of this review will also commiserate and have a few good chuckles as Nido descends into the dark reality of Seeing Slash Everywhere. I only have one gripe with the series- the actual episodes are SHORT. This is only made more apparent by the ridiculously long intro sequence which is reminiscent of LotR in its ability to make you think it's finally ending only to start right up again, anew. If somewhere, out there, a version of Doujin Works exists that has been spliced together to negate the opening song, absolutely queue it up and enjoy. Otherwise, fast forward to about halfway through the episode's runtime- that's where it actually starts. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: 12 Episode OAV.
	Dragon Half: Mink is a part dragon who is obsessed with the idol singer and dragon slayer, Dick Saucer. Unfortunately, Saucer works for the emperor of Mink's world, who is after the affections of Mink's beautiful dragon mother. The emperor’s first plan is to kill Mink’s father in order to gain her mother’s love. However, to draw out his rival, the emperor decides to capture his daughter, Mink, as bait. Believing the task will be simple since she's just a girl, he sends his idiot soldier, Dama Rama, who fails spectacularly by stabbing himself in the head. Competing for Saucer's affections is the King's daughter, Vena, who also swears to kill Mink. Though she is a powerful sorceress, she has a dark secret. Just as Mink is half dragon, Vena is half slime (a race of cute little dumpling-like creatures). Vena has resentment toward this, believing that with such a tortured past, she deserves Saucer's affections much more than Mink. But Vena fails just as badly as Dama Rama. Enraged by the defeats, the emperor sends Saucer himself to fight Mink, believing she won't attack the man she loves. This is true, Mink refuses to battle with him no matter how much he attacks her. But the battle is cut short when Saucer has to leave for one of his concerts. Running out of ideas, the Emperor asks Rozario, his magician and advisor, for a plan. Rozario says they should stage a martial arts tournament and trick Mink into participating so she'll be killed by the competing warriors. Contrary to her petite stature, Mink thoroughly grinds the other champions into the dust, winning the prize money and claiming victory. Review: I've heard other reviewers describe this as a parody of anime in itself. I'm tempted to disagree. It's more of an over the top, stereotypical story that isn't afraid to laugh at itself. The characters spend more than half the story in super-deformed mode, people yell ridiculously titled attacks (complete with Hit Point references), and it all ends with Mink topless and jumping up and down. The cliché factor will either have you in stitches, or you'll finish off this two-episode OAV saying "Huh, well... That was weird". I had a few good chuckles, but for the most part, the strangeness of the anime kept me watching, not the humour. Honestly, the funniest part is probably the ending theme, which sounds like it was written by somebody on ‘shrooms. The only part of the song that involves actual words and not gibberish is: "Ah, no not my tomato. I'll give you to octopus, I hate the way it looks." Really, this song summarizes the atmosphere of Dragon Half better than I ever could. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Two Episodes.
	Dragon Pink: Based in an erotic RPG, the characters Santa, Pierce, Bobo and Pink must take on quests to gain money and expertise. Santa is the main sword-wielding hero who’s rather greedy when it comes to the loot he’ll gain after a fight. His cat slave Pink isn’t well treated at all; she is made to pull the team’s cart, wash dishes, and is frequently used as bait for monsters. The other party members are Pierce, a magic using elf, and Bobo, a barbarian. For three episodes, the party quests for rewards by destroying monsters, finding sacred jewels, or simply saving a plethora of naked townspeople. Review: This anime was actually amusing. The parody is based on the Dragon Quest video game series, but with a sexual twist. For example, the party finds a fairy whose “nectar” is worth a lot of money. Santa doesn’t seem to mind coaxing this “nectar” out of her with a mushroom either. But fungi aren’t the end of strange things shoved repeatedly into the sea of naked writhing women. We’re privy to chains, water dildos, tentacles, tongues, and a cobra. Yes, a lumpy snake is the weapon of choice for the final boss. But the fun doesn’t end at Pink being horribly molested by every monster (though that is, for the most part, the focus of the series), there are also some Santa/Pink and Bobo/Pierce relations that are sufficiently realistic and well done that you can probably stop laughing long enough to get a little masturbation time. Of course the fact that Pierce has to power up by giving blow jobs gives only a small margin when you won’t be rolling on the ground laughing with (or at) this anime. But whether I was laughing with the “load bearing boss” RPG jokes, or laughing at the preposterousness of Pierce’s “Breasts of Fire” attack, this anime kept me well amused for the three available episodes. My only complaint, aside from the fact there isn’t more to this series, was the music. RPGs have notoriously good music, so perhaps I had high expectations. While some of the themes did fit the mood during Dragon Pink, I found it for the most part very distracting, particularly during the sex scenes, where there was a happy town theme going on. Call me old fashioned, but give me that 70’s sex riff anytime. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
	Devil Man: Demons that have been long frozen are released by the thawing of the polar icecaps. A researcher attempts to merge with one of the creatures, but he is unable to retain his control, and after attempting to murder his own son, commits suicide. The son, Ryo, learns of what caused his father’s death and seeks out the help of his past friend, Akira, whom he knows will be a worthy candidate for merging with a demon and maintaining his human mind. Akira is very stubborn and just, thus, when Ryo begins the ritual of possession, Akira is consumed by the demon Amon. However, Akira’s soul survives, and he becomes Devil Man. But as Devil Man, Akira seems to enjoy the slaughter of his fellow demons, which makes Ryo question if Akira is truly in charge, and if he has created a defendant of mankind, or the greatest devil yet. The first fight in the second episode is between Devil Man and Jinmen, who has Akira’s mother incorporated into its body. This makes the fight a test of Akira's humanity, but when a psychic link forms between Akira and his mother, she asks him to end her suffering as Jinmen's captive. Though Akira succeeds in defeating the demon, he begins to see memories from Amon. Other demons have now heard of the infamous Devil Man, and are seeking revenge. The very powerful demon Siren enlists the help of Gelmar, a water demon, and several other smaller creatures, to simultaneously attack Akira’s home. Akira kills the demons in the house, but is gored by Siren’s debilitating talon while he is distracted, and is rendered powerless. However, Ryo comes to his rescue, and shoots Siren, wounding her enough that Devil Man can transform and fight at full power. He moves the battle between himself and Siren away from the city, where they are both severely injured. Fearing she will lose, Siren asks Satan for help; she merges with the demon Cain, and gores Devil Man. She sees him collapse, and believes she has won. However, because her dying consciousness was the dominant one in the hybrid she formed with Cain, they both die. Devilman survives, and feels that Siren deserved to pass on thinking she was the victor because she had been a very worthy opponent. fail. Review: If I could rate this anime higher than a 5, I certainly would. Though the character designs are somewhat dated, they do improve as the series progresses, and the intricate design for each individual demon is truly awesome. Every creature is animated, sometimes completely, which I found amazing. Not only that, but intricate camera moves are also used, particularly during the final fight between Siren and Devil Man. This fight in itself makes the second episode, Siren, the Demon Bird, worth renting. Of all the many battles of seen, animated or otherwise, the final Devil Man OAV fight is simply the best. It’s splendidly choreographed, and even the most jaded critic can’t argue. Finally, the ending of the OAV is unexpected, but very appropriate. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
	Devil May Cry: Born of the great demon Sparda, and a human woman Dante has lived a life between worlds. Perpetually hunted by demons wishing to gain his father's fabled power, Dante was forced to learn self defense and solitude at an early age. As an adult, the years of precarious living have made him aloof, embittered, and self centered; the perfect qualities for a demon hunter. Dante's skill is notorious, and under the name Devil May Cry, he takes on cases that are linked to the occult. His companion, Morrison, serves as a liaison between troubled patrons and the anti-social half demon. The two manage their meager business alone for some time, until one case brings an unexpected companion into Dante's life. Ordered to act as a body guard to the heir of a great fortune, Patty Royal, Dante takes a liking to the precocious little girl. After finding that she was a decoy, and will simply be thrown back into an orphanage once the case is closed, he becomes a surrogate parent to her. Through Patty's eyes, a softer side of the devil hunter is revealed- he's irresponsible, forever in debt due to making silly wagers, and spends what little money he has on decadent sweets and pizza. But Dante's kinder side is the cornerstone to an evil plot; Allan, a weak and sycophantic demon, takes advantage of the fact Dante dismisses him as too lowly for his time. Subtly, Allan leads Dante to defeating several powerful opponents, and in the aftermath, collects relics from these foes. Unaware of the power Allan has been accumulating, Dante is tricked a final time, this time taking a case for Nina Royal- Patty's long lost mother. Failing to recognize her identity, Dante agrees to guard the woman's family heirloom, a cursed pendant called “Allan's Tear”. After catching a glimpse of Dante's new customer, Patty immediately recognizes her mother, and steals the pendant, intent on returning it and reconciling with her only remaining family member. As Patty seeks out her mother, she falls right into Allan's plan, brining him the final relic, and allowing him to open a gate to the underworld. Demonic energy flows into Allan, and demons swarm over the city as darkness falls upon the earth – only a resurrected Dante can arise to defeat this unholy power, and bring peace to the world. Review: There are a lot of bad video game adaptations out there, and I'm sad to say Devil May Cry joins the ranks of Final Fantasy Spirits Within and the live action Mortal Kombat- it's bad, and not in an easy mocked for LoLs kind of way. It's a typical low-budget turd trying to milk a successful series for its last few pennies. The designs were slapped together by an otaku that fancies himself an alt-fashionista, the animation is mostly cocked up, and the plot was EXACTLY THE SAME in every episode: “Oh Dante, are you eating strawberry sundaes and pizza again? Ha ha ha, it's so funny because you're an intimidating asshat with a moist doughy heart. Did I forget to mention your debt? You lazy worthless turd. Let's go fight some demons.” There. Now you don't even have to watch it. I know Dante is supposed to have this in-your-face interface, but he comes off as less badass and more mentally challenged. His bratty attitude is only made tolerable by contrast to his eight-year old sidekick, Patty Royal, who doesn't so much deliver her lines as she squeaks them out in the most irritating fashion possible. Within the first two episodes she will have you spitting with rage just as sure as I've consumed a whole jar of Fluffernutter. But amid the emo faggetry, Dante still does what he was made for- slap demons around with his mighty phallic sword. I would have given points for the action sequences -some of which were quite good- if it hadn't seemed so damned EASY to defeat these guys. Taking down rabid, fifty-foot spawns of darkness in a single strike doesn't make the hero look awesome, it makes the demons look easy. An infant with a handgun could do this job- and with a lot less whining. The thing is, in the vortex of this douchery, is a pretty good plot- it culminates in the last few episodes in what can be described as Passable. If they had just stuck with the evil relics storyline, and not drawn it out so damned much, this could have been a nice little addition to the Devil May Cry series. But it's just not good enough to warrant sitting through the other ten episodes of wankery. Rates: 1.5/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
E
	Earthian: Eden, home of the angels, has been observing Earth for thousands of years, and have come to the conclusion that humanity is corrupt and Earth must be destroyed. However, being benevolent in nature, Eden sends angels down to give humans one last chance to prove themselves worthy; "plus checkers" and "minus checkers" are teams of angels that disguise themselves as humans and interact, judging them. After a period of assessment, humanity will be wiped out if the minus checkers encounter more evil people than the plus checkers count good people. Enter Chihaya, an angel born in Eden. However, he's been shunned by his kind for having dark hair and black wings, which are typically signs of a Lucifer (a fallen angel, banished from Eden for disobeying god, his peers, the bible, or telling humans his secret). Because he's never found solace in his own kind, Chihaya feels a certain kinship toward humans, and also speaks easily with Lucifers. He is sent to Earth to be a plus checker, along with an Aryan-featured, well-liked angel named Kagetsuya. Kagetsuya becomes the minus checker of the pair, as he hates humanity and is ready to find their flaws and end their terrible reign on Earth. Though Chihaya ceaselessly preaches humanity's virtues, Kagetsuya mistrusts his partner because of his Lucifer-like appearance, and constantly berates and belittles him. Despite that, the two are stuck together, as they must work as a team during their time on Earth. Very gradually, Kagetsuya softens to his partner, and eventually, the two fall in love. Scared by their emotions and relationship, Chihaya and Kagetsuya are forced to hide from Heaven, as they are now bathed in sin. Though Chihaya is less concerned with being banned (as he has no real ties to Eden), Kagetsuya is torn between which side he will choose, and if his soul is truly that of a Lucifer. Review: Say it with me now: PACING PROBLEMS. Earthian was a good manga. Not great, but pretty high by boy-love literature standards (sort of like saying "that was a great Harlequin Romance! There was hardly any smacking of bitches!" :D). Unfortunately, the anime managed to do some chop-block job on it that resulted in a confusing, painful pile of pseudo-religious buttlove. The plot, especially for people who don't already know the story line, is nearly incomprehensible. This problem is compounded by the way they attempted to wrap it up in four episodes, suddenly cutting out characters and bringing manga-centric ideas (which an anime-only audience certainly won't know about) in the final installment. So yes, it's confusing. But is it confusing enough to stop yaoi fans from watching? In a word: damn straight. Although Chihaya and Kagetsuya get together (ONCE. Episode 3, fyi), it's by no means a merry union. It's full of angst and whining and Chihaya being a typical uke, full of tears and confused emotions. The fact of the matter is, since its release a decade or so ago, there is MUCH BETTER yaoi out there. There are also COUNTLESS angel-centric anime, with varying degrees of bible-skewing blasphemy (Oh Japan, you and your piecemeal understanding of Christianity~). So, for once, I end on a good note: you no longer have to settle for watching Earthian, with its limited animation, poor design, forgettable music, and -did I mention?- assed up plot. The future is here, people… And it brought high caliber boy-love with it. Rate: 1/5 Tapes: Four Episode OAV.
	Elf Princess Rane: For years the Yumenokata Foundation has been attempting to turn a small Japanese town into an amusement park, but constant interruptions from the Fire Brigade have kept them at bay. Enter Gou Takarada, an overzealous young man who’s determined to follow in his parents’ footsteps. The entire Takarada family consists of archeologists and treasure hunters, and Gou is no exception. Specifically, Gou believes he’s closing in on finding the “famed Salamander”, which is actually a huge piece of misinformation. What he’s really chasing is the Yumenokata Foundation’s derelict amusement park; oblivious, Gou energetically continues his quest until his attention is stolen away by an Elf. Introducing herself as “Rane”, Gou has his hands full with her quest for the Four Hearts, which she informs him about in broken speech, most of which is gibberish. Meanwhile, Gou’s childhood friend, Mari, is left in the dust. Unable to confess her feelings for Gou, Mari has to find herself content to watch him leap off on adventures- until yet another Elf appears, this one introducing herself as “Leen”. She demands that Mari take her to Rane, who she wants to murder. Nonplussed by the tiny Elf, Mari takes Leen’s request as an excuse to follow Gou into one of his haphazard quests. Meanwhile, Zenshuin, commander of the Yumenokata Foundation, has his own unrequited feelings to deal with; between work on a new exhibit for the park, and being a complete prat, he yearns over Mari. But she’s the daughter of Yumenokata Foundation’s president, and is completely uninterested in one of her father’s minions. One of Gou’s (many, identical) sisters is a different story. As the two girls sample the Foundation’s brand new ride –a Ferris wheel/hot spring- everybody is on the brink of confessing their feelings, until the entire contraption falls apart, and starts rolling across the countryside. Despite being hurled into danger, and nude, Mari sticks by Gou’s side as he obliviously rides the out-of-control Ferris Wheel into his next adventure. Review: Holy crackwhores on speed, Batman! This is one crazily fast paced anime- but they manage to fit it all in there. Like cramming an entire box of Smarties in your mouth, it’s a difficult task, but Elf Princess Rane managed to get all that gooey Indiana-Jones flavored sweetness into two episodes. And how did they do it? Three easy steps: 1. Overlapping Dialogue: all the characters speak at once, each supplying important information 2. Pressed Speech: all these characters are veteran auctioneers 3. TBC: the whole shebang is to-be-continued, and doesn’t actually come to an end Despite not having a conclusion, Elf Princess Rane packs in a whole lot of plot and character development into 60 minutes- as you can tell from my sparse summary. It may not be a “unique plot”, or “make any sense at all”, but at least it had a lot of animation. And I do mean that literally; it wasn’t particularly well designed or executed, but there were A LOT of things happening at once, so much so, that it looked impressive. And isn’t that all we ask from TV? Entertain me, damnit! And Elf Princess Rane kept me entertained. And suffering from sensory overload. And a little horny. I mean, it ends with the female lead naked and wet! In fact, scrap the rest of the review, just know this: Two girls get naked, wet, and pummeled against each other in a giant ball. Rate: 3/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Note: While the final two episodes of the OAV are technically the end of the Neon Genesis Evangelion series, this movie is considered an alternate (and clearer) finale. End of Evangelion: In the year 2000 a meteor collided with Earth, causing mass destruction. This incident was dubbed "Second Impact". As society was rebuilt, a new United Nations was formed by the group "Seele". From researching the Dead Sea Scrolls, the leaders of Seele learn that violent creatures, dubbed "angels", are predicted to destroy the Earth. Weapons are swiftly devised to combat the angels. Born from the original angels Adam and Lilith, the Evas are giant robots piloted by children. The Evas can produce the same energy as angels, a force called the "AT Field". All animals exert this field to an extent, but the angel clones can concentrate it into a shield or weapon. Three main pilots are chosen based on their ability to synchronize with the Evas. Rei Ayanami, Asuka Langly, and Shinji Ikari. Shinji's father, Gendo, is the head of the Nerve corporation, which organizes the Evangelion mechs to fight the angels. Throughout the series, each angel is defeated. The movie begins with the immediate threat of angels obliterated. However, Seele isn't celebrating. Throughout their battle against the angels, the "Instrumentality Project" has been devised. They plan to eradicate the weak and confused human race, replacing them with sentient Evas. In order to capture the Evangelion Mechs within the Nerv headquarters, Seele sends military ground forces to kill all Nerv personnel. With Shinji lapsed into a deep depression, and Asuka in a coma, the army comes very close to succeeding. They kill everybody within Nerv, with the exception of the pilots: Shinji, Asuka and Rei. However, the Evas are never captured by Seele. Rei merges with Lilith, and Third Impact begins. The entire population of Earth are vaporized into pure AT energy (or LCL fluid), becoming one with each-other and the planet. Only two individuals are able to reject the amalgamation: Shinji and Asuka. Review: While the Neon Genesis Evangelion series followed plots that were both action and philosophy, The End of Evangelion is a complete assessment of psychology and, if you will, the meaning of existence. It delves into how a person deals with interaction with other humans: the feeling of loss, of betrayal, of friendship, and the literalness of each these feelings is evaluated. What would cause the world to end? People have small catastrophes every day. As long as one human remains on the planet, the human collective psyche will continue to exist. One could write a thesis on this anime, and still only scratch the surface of what they were trying to say. Through a mixed media of animation, live action, and computer graphics, Gainax produces something that seems only coincidentally related to the Evangelion series. While the existing characters serves as catalysts to explore the theories covered during End of Evangelion, it can easily stand alone (particularly the later half) as an analysis of modern society and its impact on human interaction. While many subjects are touched upon, the main idea, tying in with the series, is Shinji’s loneliness. Is being alone an integral part of being human? When surrounded by a crowd, a person isn’t physically alone, but can still feel isolated. When left with only one person, a sort of “forced interaction”, bonds form and one must look outside themselves, into another person’s frame of mind. Though these messages are presented through a lot of dialogue, the movie also uses stunningly smooth animation and graphic images packed with symbolism. Much of what they show is shocking; something you’ve never seen before, nor expect. Music also enforces the mood. From jazz to classical, to remixes of the pre-existing Evangelion themes, the score for End of Evangelion is absolutely brilliant. It takes each scene, each idea, and cements it through music. I absolutely recommend that any movie fan see this film. However, though I consider it a masterpiece of animation and musings, it certainly isn’t an easy watch. This is one lecture that will make you think. Rate: 4/5 Tapes: Double Feature.
	Enzai: Shortly after the French Revolution, the judicial system is still full of corruption. The bribery and scapegoating is experienced first hand by Guys, a poor youth who is unjustly accused of murdering Jared, a private investigator. When he's brought in for petty theft, a corrupt detective named Guildias tells Guys that if he pleads guilty for murder, he'll defend him in court and get him a soft sentence. Panicked, Guys does so, despite being innocent. But Guildias lied, and Guys is locked up, where he's abused by both his fellow prisoners and the guards. But there's some hope, as fellow inmates Evan and Vallewida help Guys recover from the attacks and lend him a sympathetic ear. Evan tells him that many of the convicts are there for crimes they didn't commit. Before being arrested, Evan was a successful journalist who uncovered information on a government official named Bollanet, who was guilty of many crimes (including murder and thievery) during the war. In order to keep his name clear, Bollanet framed Evan and sent him to prison, where his accusations would never be heard. Once he's comfortable with Evan, Guys brings correspondence from his lawyer, Lusca, for Evan to read (Guys is illiterate). He complains that Lusca is nothing but a lazy drunk, and has done nothing to help clear his name. When Evan realizes that Guys lawyer is his old colleague and friend, he's irritated to hear that Lusca has thrown his life away. He writes an incensed letter, reminding Lusca of what a great attorney he once was, and that he once considered himself and Lusca to be very close. Once he receives Evan's letter, Lusca is inspired. He quits drinking and focuses on Guys' case, re-opening the murder investigation. Meanwhile, Guys continues to be abused by Guildias. While raping Guys he accidentally cries out “Myuka”. When he next meets with Lusca, Guys is reminded that Myuka was a street kid like himself at one time, and went missing around Thanksgiving. Lusca is surprised to hear this, as Jared was investigating Myuka’s disappearance before his death. Lusca returns to Jared’s house, and finds the murder weapon. However, it’s only a small knife, and doesn’t match the wound. Guys approaches Vallewida, who was once part of the army, and implores him to share his knowledge of weaponry. Vallewida agrees that it’s possible that the knife is the murder weapon but due to massive trauma he suffers from amnesia of his war days he can’t be certain. Before he and Guys can come to a conclusion, Vallewida is taken by a prison guard and tortured in hopes of recovering incriminating memories he holds about Bollanet’s war crimes. But he’s unresponsive. Finally, the last piece of Guys case is solved when another inmate, Jose, comes to him with evidence. Though Jose initially abused Guys, he takes a shine to him and agrees to give him Jared’s diary in exchange for sexual favors. A re-trial is held in which Guys alibi is proven, and Guildias’ guilt is revealed. Jared’s notes detailed that Guildias had kidnapped Myuca, and both murder weapons in Jared’s death are linked to Guildias. After indisputable evidence is presented by Lusca, Guildias flees and the court releases Guys. At his manner house, Guildias is tracked down by police, where he blockades himself in the cellar with Myuca’s body. He inadvertently strangled the boy to death in a fit of jealous rage, and tried in vain to cover both the murder and the kidnapping. Suddenly overcome, Guildias shoots himself. Some time after, Guys receives a hand-made cross from Vallewida, with the evidence of Bollanet’s crimes hidden inside, finally bringing to light concrete evidence of the man’s terrible deeds and corruption. Review: I generally don't expect much from game-adaptations, especially hentai game adaptations, so I won't fault Enzai for its meandering plot. It's honestly not that bad- the variety of characters is pretty impressive, and I have to admit, if you're bored enough, the story can be fairly intriguing. What I did expect was good art- the game had nice designs, but apparently they fired that crew. The characters are just PAINFUL to look at. You could grate fine cheese on their jagged faces. All the men look like women with facial hair- except Vallewida, who apparently IS a woman. Or Michael Jackson, judging from his voice. Up until his obligatory rape scene, I was sure Vallewida's Dark Secret was ovaries. Actually, this guy and his subplot in itself illustrate how fucked up Enzai is: Vallewida is taken by the captain of the guard and whipped to try and cure his explosive amnesia, but instead it gives him multiple-personality-disorder. The other personality is a whore, who the captain dresses in women’s clothing, which he then… Whips off. Then, he rapes Vallewida (fuck I’m getting tired of looking up how to spell that bullshit every time) so he can flash back to his time in the army, where he was repeatedly gang-banged by his entire platoon. Wow. As funny as it sounds in retrospect, while actually watching the show, Enzai's pacing is derailed by the constant raping. It's as if they animated all the boneration, then threw it in the middle, leaving the opening and ending incredibly plot-heavy and dry (yes, enjoy the double entendre). And when I say “constant raping”, I mean that literally. There are NO consensual sex scenes in this thing- I have no idea how anybody could add this to their spank bank. It’s all blood and screaming and whipping. Okay, so maybe that floats a couple of boats in the audience, but couldn’t they have added a happy-ending Lusca/Guys romp at the end? NO. That would have ruined the MOOD. However, the whole plot-hole of HOW DO THESE KIDS KEEP GETTING OUT OF THEIR CELLS TO RAPE EACHOTHER was not deemed mood-ruining. To make it worse (or better?), it’s massively censored. Not just a little mosaic around the peen, either. It’s as if they thought blurring out the entire lower halves of Guys and Guildias’ bodies would make up for a 40 year old psychopath raping a 12 year old boy. Finally, the music and animation are just terrible. The sound effects are completely random- guns make the same noise as guys ejaculating, and for whatever reason, anal sex sounds like throwing a tub of yogurt in the trash compactor. And while this cacophony is going on in the background, the characters move like old school zombies, twitching and traveling around with a lumbering gait. Maybe they could have spent a bit more time making people move like human beings if they had cut some of the banging- it’s a dizzy dream, but if Enzai has taught me anything, it’s that you should never give up, even in the face of crippling damage to your anus. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Escaflowne, A Girl in Gaea: Hitomi Kanzaki is so severely depressed that she shuns her best friend, Yukari. But just as Hitomi is feeling that it would be best for her to just vanish, Folken appears, beckoning her to his homeland. He wishes to use her power as the Goddess of Wings to destroy Gaea, thus removing it from his brother Van, who was granted the inheritance of the mecha-suit Escaflowne. However, in unison of his call to Hitomi, Van,in Gaea, makes contact with Escaflowne, disrupting Folken’s spell, and causes Hitomi to appear within the submerged Guymelef, which comes to life at Van’s command, expelling her. Knowing her status as the Goddess of Wings, Van states himself at her command, and Hitomi is faced with the fact she now has the power to destroy a whole world. However, with her wish for everything to vanish, so does Escaflowne, and with the armour missing, and a pending war against the Black Dragon Clan, Hitomi is taken in by the Abaharaki: Allen, his men, Van, Milerna, and Merele, all people who have banded together because the Black Dragons destroyed their homelands. Meanwhile, the Black Dragons, lead by Dilandau, attack the Abaharki’s caravan in hopes of capturing Hitomi. Van steals her back, but suffers massive wounds from his psychic battle with Dilandau. Seeing Van’s life slipping away, Hitomi decides that he should live, and that she will stay with him until he realizes he is not alone. Because he lost the Goddess of Wings, Dilandau is punished by Folken, but is also granted a suit of armour like Escaflowne. The two Guymelefs battle, but just as Van is about to crush Dilandau, Escaflowne turns black, cursed with Van’s bitterness for having lost his family and homeland, and begins to destroy the world. However, Hitomi’s plea reaches Van just in time for him to face Folken, who is unreasonable and wishes only to kill Van. But before he can, Jajaku, one of Dilandau’s men, sacrifices himself, takes down Folken, and the Zaibach empire crumbles. With Gaea in peace again, Hitomi promises Van they are always together at heart, and she returns to Earth. Review: I’m absolutely in love with this movie; the designs are absolutely breathtaking, and the animation flows in a way that makes it flawless to watch. The soundtrack is absolutely out of this world, and is definitely comparable to, if not a step above, the second Lord of the Rings collection of songs. Note 1: This is not a continuation nor it is a prequel of the series. It’s best to think of it as a completely different anime that takes place in the same setting, Gaea, as Vision of Escaflowne, the Series. The characters, places, and even subjects that are visited in A Girl in Gaea are completely original and vastly different than the series Escaflowne itself. Note 2: Because I have a low-quality version of this, and it is a stunningly beautiful anime, I’ll refer you to this gallery, which is amazingly well put together with over 400 screen captures and character design sheets. Rates: 5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
F
	Fafner: Japan was completely destroyed twenty-nine years ago by aliens named “Festum”. While most of the population was wiped out, a select few survivors evacuated to Tatsumiya Island, where they hid themselves with advanced camouflage technology. However, the threat is far from dissipated. Though Tatsumiya Island continues to produce a holographic world for their citizens, the truth remains buried in its core: the island is a battle station, ready to launch attack at any moment. When the Festum begin to reappear, commander Fumihako Makabe sends his son, Kazuki, to pilot a mech called “Fafner”. Though Kazuki is inexperienced, his ability to fight and fly come naturally. With his partner Soushi, Kazuki quickly becomes Tatsumiya’s most skilled soldier. But an increase in Festum attacks leads the Tatsumiya scientists to decide to move the island. Using the Brunhilde System, a powerful reactor at the island’s centre, Tatsumiya is entirely relocated, finding temporary shelter from both the Festum and the Neo U.N. Though the Neo U.N. has good intentions of saving humanity, they wish to use Tatsumiya’s Fafner for their own. Understandably, the citizens revolt against this notion. With the Neo U.N.’s underhanded sabotage, and the increasingly severe attacks by the Festum, Tatsumiya’s citizens brace themselves as their children are chosen to pilot Fafner and risk their lives to protect their home. Review: If you fangirled all over Evangelion, you'll love Fafner! Or- you know, vehemently hate it for ripping off every aspect of your favorite anime. What we have here is the death-defying battles of Eva with less mental anguish and more boy love. The strange part is, with so much talking, narration, and Soushi's endless soliloquies, I STILL have no idea what the POINT is. Unless it's something mind numbingly simple like- oh, wait. There it is. "The children are the future". Gotcha. But I must give Fafner credit where it's due: the animation is very well done, and the designs were right up my alley. Fancy boys in leather chokers is any yaoi girl's dream, especially when they have unrequited love for one-another. Cannon love. Unfortunately the sausage fest is ruined by irritating female characters with little to no personality other than emo-self-doubt, or, in the case of the older ladies, pedophilia. Honestly, I was having horrible flashbacks to Neverland when Mrs. Karia kidnapped Kazuki and brought him on a magical journey into a secluded cel block. I'm anxiously awaiting the press conference to follow. Perhaps they'll finally address the logical problem every character suffers from: why try to fight the aliens with jets when it's painfully obvious Fafner is the only thing that kicks their ass? Rates: 3/5 Tapes: Several episodes with different missions on each.
	Fake: When detective Randy "Ryo" McLane first transferred from Japan to the New York 27th Precinct, he was partnered with the most mouthy and notoriously bull-headed member of the team: Dee Latener. After working with Dee for some time, Ryo began to develop feelings for his partner, but was unsure of how Dee felt due to his constant jokes. But Dee's reciprocation of Ryo's sentiment was far from a joke. Upon learning Ryo may actually give him a chance, Dee was very forward with his intention to claim Ryo, which abruptly frightened Ryo away. In attempts to get Ryo to submit, Dee harasses the Chief of his department to let the two have the same holiday break, and travel to the same location. The Chief relents, and Dee is left alone with Ryo at a secluded English resort. But the romanticism is short lived when, during what should have been a peaceful boat ride, the two discover a body. While Dee wishes to leave the work to detectives who are on duty, Ryo argues that a detective should always be ready when duty calls. Dee relents, happy that the local police decided to let the guests continue their stay at the hotel despite the murder. Dee continues his pursuit of Ryo that night. He tries to get his partner drunk, but ends up being plastered by himself, forcing Ryo to take care of him. While going to fetch ice for Dee, Ryo meets Arisa Bryan, a fellow Japanese-American who's also on vacation at the hotel. Being a very intuitive woman, she tells Ryo that he should express his feelings for Dee. Meanwhile, a local lieutenant has been nosing around the case. He takes a liking to Ryo, which agitates Dee, and makes him critical of the other man's discoveries. But despite his scepticism, Dee is gripped with worry when the lieutenant tells him that the string of murders has been completely Japanese-Americans. In a panic, Dee rushes back to the hotel, in time to see the owner attacking Ryo, intent on killing him. He rants about how his daughter was killed by a group of Japanese men who stayed at his hotel, and he was seeking vengeance. He killed Arisa and her friend, as well as several other Japanese guests, and now has his sights on Ryo. Dee bursts in to the rescue, and the local authorities take the owner away. His last words to the two detectives are that he's seen his wrongs, is ready to serve time, and wishes one last favour: for them to burn the last remaining portrait of his daughter. Review: For such a long warning about same-sex romance, there were desperately few scenes of Dee and Ryo doing the nasty. In fact, all you really get is an eyeful of some kissing, and light groping. As a rabid yaoi fan, this was a little disappointing, particularly because it seemed based on the stereotypical "confused and intimidated" partner that wishes to keep things romantic and not sexual. Yes, we're all sick of that rhetoric. Take off your pants. As for the plot itself, it was a good mystery flick. It wasn't entirely obvious who the culprit was until the very end, which was action-packed, if not a little forced due to the murderer's ultimate reverie. The characters were an interesting bunch, balancing each other’s personalities well, but their designs were off and on. At times, they looked descent, but mostly, they had the Hunky Shounen Syndrome: wide shoulders, tiny head, squinty eyes. Animation was limited at best, save for a few choice fight and action scenes, and even then it was nothing spectacular. In the end, Fake is your typical slash. Trite storyline, unimpressive characters, and convoluted secluded settings all to showcase a little guy on guy action. And if you're up for that, then by all means, get those panties down and lefty ready for action. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Fatal Fury, The Motion Picture: Alexander the Great couldn't rest until his empire covered the world. He travelled East to the Indus River, where he was defeated- not by Seleucus, as the history books recount, but by Gaudeamus, the feared King of Rhodos island. Before he himself could be killed, Alexander struck a deal with Gaudeamus and was released, returning to Babylon. However, despite having his life spared, the power wielded by Gaudeamus haunted Alexander. He invited Gaudeamus to Babylon, but was consumed by a mysterious illness. This instilled such fear in the generals of Babylon that they set a trap for Gaudeamus and burned him to death. But the armour that he wore, the Armour of Mars, survived the blaze without a scratch. With Gaudeamus dead, the armour came to life, taking the form of Mars, god of war. He set the city aflame, but was defeated by four valiant strangers who broke the armour into six pieces and hid them around Alexander's Empire. The only traces of the armour left are the hieroglyphs in the Rhodos island cave, which pinpoint the location of all the pieces but one- the final piece to complete the Armour of Mars. The power became legend, truly believed by few. Laocorn and Sulia Gaudeamus, direct descendants of the bloodline, know The Armour’s power is real. After witnessing his father shot down by a rival archaeologist seeking The Armour, Laocorn swears to seek the power for himself. Terrified by the drastic change in her brother's personality, his sudden hunger for revenge against those who destroyed Gaudeamus, Sulia flees, seeking the help of renowned fighter, Terry Bogard. Terry is at his brother Andy's reception when Sulia happens upon them, bringing with her the pursuit of fierce fighters sent by Laocorn to reclaim her. With the help of Joe Higashi and Mai Shiranui, Terry defeats the thugs, and agrees to help Sulia. They travel to the Island of Rhodos, where Sulia explains the legend, and sadly admits that if a member of the cursed Gaudeamus bloodline wears the armour, Mars' power is released, making the wearer into a god. She pleads with the Terry and his friends to help her save her brother before he is completely ensnared by the pull of Mars' Armour. Driven by his growing feelings for Sulia, Terry agrees. He and his friends face off against Laocorn's lackeys, Jamin, Panni, and Hauer. Though they are tough adversaries, Mai and Joe combine their strength and are able to defeat Panni and Hauer, and due to his feelings for Sulia, Jamin allows himself to be beat by Terry. Unfortunately, they are too late to stop Laocorn from collecting all the known pieces of armour. In attempts to get the final piece before him, Sulia and her team return to the Rhodos caves, discovering that her pendant pinpoints the finishing armour segment. Tracking Sulia, Laocorn kidnaps her in order to reclaim his sister and also complete the armour. Though she begs him not to release the curse, Laocorn has grown insane with power, and transforms into a god. As Terry and his friends hopelessly battle Laocorn, being beaten down at every step, Sulia becomes desperate to save Terry. Knowing she and her brother share a strong connection, she stabs herself, weakening him enough that Terry can get a final blow. This knocks the armour from Laocorn's body, and he regains his sanity just in time to witness the armour leap to life as Mars, a creature of pure energy. To join Sulia in death, Laocorn leaps in front of the flames, protecting Terry, but ending his own life. Consumed by the loss of Sulia, and heavily reminded of his past love's similar demise, Terry's rage redoubles his power, and after a fierce battle, he destroys Mars and the armour forever. Review: Like many of the other fighting games that transition to anime, this one has the “we must insert every damn character” problem. There are several pointless cameos in the first fifteen minutes of the film, but luckily, they taper off once the plot gets flowing… Wait, that‘s not right. More like: “Once the sudden crazy-assed five minutes of attempted back story is over”. Fatal Fury is less plot-based and more one scene that spouts a largely confabulated piece-meal history lesson. But don’t be alarmed by the sudden rush of preposterous information: it’s really, really not important to the plot. Really. All you need to know is that Armour = Bad. And they repeat that enough that even the dimmest viewer won’t be forgetting anytime soon. The animation is what one would expect. The fight scenes are well done, but the character designs really suffer. At times they can look pretty slick, but by and large, they look like wax figures melting in the sun: Droopy, shiny, and with alarmingly tiny heads. In the plus category, the music and action scenes really get the blood flowing (And by “flowing”, I mean when Mai’s boobs go a bouncing’, you‘ll be a fappin‘). I must admit, this is a good one-shot watch. That is if you can get over Alexander the Great being defeated by Gaudeamus… Seriously, now. What the FUCK. Oh yes, and apparently any injury to one’s body causes them to hack up blood. Even a firm kick to the pills. I rate this movie “ES“. For Educated Stupid. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Final Fantasy VII Back Story: ShinRa is a massive corporation that has built Mako reactors throughout the planet. These reactors feed off the planet's energy in order to provide electricity for the masses. ShinRa has two major fighting units at its disposal: The Turks, (president ShinRa and his son Rufus's personal guard) and SOLDIER, a group of elite fighters. Mako is not only processed for power, but is also used as a type of skill-enhancing treatment for those who graduate from the general army into SOLDIER. These doses of energy make the subject stronger, but in some cases cause hallucinations and other side effects. The protagonist, Cloud Strife, believes he was once one part of SOLDIER, but has lost most of his memory, and is suffering from severe Mako side-effects. Upon stumbling into Midgar city, he joins with the group AVALANCHE in order to oppose ShinRa. However, ShinRa quickly becomes the least of Cloud's worries. He soon finds that even more dangerous testing was being conducted with an alien named JENOVA. This specimen was sequestered by ShinRa laboratories for testing about 35 years previous. JENOVA was believed to be a part of the ancient race called the "Cetra". The ancients had vast knowledge of the planet at their disposal and spoke of a Promised Land in which everything was plentiful. Tempted by the notion of inexhaustible resources, ShinRa wished to used JENOVA's cells to create present-day Cetra who would be used to find the passage to the Promised Land. Dr. Ghast, Professor Hojo, and Lucretia were the scientists who headed this research. From Lucretia's child, Sephiroth, they created the first genetically engineered ancient. Although they believed the experiment to be a success, they were mistaken. JENOVA was indeed the body of an ancient, but little of her Cetra roots were left. JENOVA was actually an alien virus from space that attacked the Cetra centuries ago. JENOVA began to posses the ancient race, making them transform into gruesome monsters and lose their minds. Humans were spared from this fate and evolved from the Cetra. But Sephiroth shuns his human roots. He believes that because of his Cetra cells, he is an ancient, and he and his "mother" JENOVA, will ascend into the Promised Land. Sephiroth is willing to risk everything, even the planet's destruction, to become a super being. Wanting to regain his memories and stop Sephiroth's tyranny, Cloud chases Sephiroth in attempts to capture him. As his search proceeds, Cloud regains his memories. He realizes that Sephiroth, while once head of SOLDIER, went insane when he read of his origins as a Cetra. At that time, Cloud was not a SOLDIER, but simply an army recruit. After Sephiroth incinerated Cloud's home town, Niblehiem, Cloud was captured by the deranged Professor Hojo. Along with Zack, a member of SOLDIER who was Cloud's mentor, Professor Hojo implanted the two with JENOVA cells. Because of their sudden connection through the cloned DNA, Cloud gained many of Zack's memories and essentially became him, believing he was a member of SOLDIER. Soon after they escaped from Hojo, Zack perished protecting Cloud, who was in a catatonic state from the Mako treatments and JENOVA tests. With his memories returned, and his true personality surfacing, Cloud duels with Sephiroth, and eradicates him from his own mind and the planet. Final Fantasy, Advent Children: Two years have passed since the fall of Midgar, during which Lifestream began to flow through the population at large and the Holy Materia was released. The city is slowly being rebuilt by the remaining citizens, with help from a small remaining faction of ShinRa (Tseng, Elena, Rude, Reno, and their leader Rufus- though he's still badly injured from his battle with Cloud). Amid the reconstruction, there is still despair; those with Mako poisoning from the final battle struggle with hallucinations and poor health. Tifa has taken in many of the parentless children who suffer from the after-effects of being exposed to Lifestream, a condition referred to as "Geostigma". Meanwhile, Cloud is approached by Rufus, who wishes to hire him as a body guard against the Kadaj gang. This gang, as Cloud discovers upon meeting them, are partial Sephiroth clones who are desperately searching for their "Mother", JENOVA. Initially, Cloud doesn't want to be involved. He still hesitates to fight because of the regret he still feels over Aerith's death. Cloud bluntly tells Rufus he's not a SOLDIER anymore, and he distrusts ShinRa. But despite his attempts avoid it, Cloud becomes involved when the children with Geostigma are kidnapped from Midgar by Kadaj and his brothers. Kadaj tells the children that this is the Reunion of those who are one with the planet. He exposes the children to Materia, and they become subservient. They are lead back to Midgar, and made to surround the town's war memorial statue. Meanwhile, Rufus sends Reno and Rude to tail Cloud and attempt to persuade him to their side. While he is unprotected, Rufus is assailed by Kadaj, who believes ShinRa is still in possession of JENOVA. Simultaneously, in Midgar's square, Kadaj's brothers, Yazoo and Loz, begin to tear up the memorial statue, believing JENOVA is within. Rufus refuses to cooperate with Kadaj's demands, prompting Kadaj to set a fearsome demon loose on Midgar. It attacks the masses, and destroys the memorial statue, only to find it empty. With only Tifa, Reno and Rude in town to protect the people, a mass slaughter ensues. Kadaj's demon and several other minor monsters set loose by Yazoo and Loz terrorize the citizens. Before too much damage can be done, Cid arrives in his new airship, Sierra, along with Vincent, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Red XIII, and Barret. They quickly dispatch the small monsters, and when Cloud arrives, the team joins forces to slay Kadaj's demon. But the fight isn't over; back with Rufus, Kadaj discovers that ShinRa had JENOVA all along. He seizes her remains and begins to race away from the city. Cloud pursues him by motorcycle, while Cid and the others follow in the airship. After a fierce battle, Cloud gains the upper hand against Kadaj. Sensing his defeat is near, Kadaj initiates the "Reunion", and releases JENOVA. The moment Cloud attacks him, Kadaj becomes Sephiroth. Sephiroth taunts Cloud, saying he will never be truly defeated. But Cloud gains hope from Aerith's memory, and deals Sephiroth a finishing blow. With little energy left, Kadaj becomes himself again, and collapses. His body dematerializes and he, along with his brothers, return to Lifestream. A cleansing rain begins to fall over the city, and all the children infected with Geostigma are brought to Aerith's church. There they wade into a pool of Holy water, where their conditions are cured. While helping the children, Cloud sees a last apparition of Aerith and Zack, and understands that he is forgiven. Review: From the very opening, which mirrored the game's end, I knew that this would be an excellent homage to Final Fantasy 7. However, for that very reason, I wouldn't recommend it to those who haven't played the video game. Advent Children is Cloud's character closure, which I doubt those unfamiliar with FF7 could relate with. But for avid Final Fantasy fans, this is exactly what we wanted. It stays true to the game in every way possible. The characters, backgrounds, and enemies were amazingly well designed. For those of you who know me (or follow my reviews), you'll know that I'm incredibly critical of 3D. I hold a staunch view that there's no point to 3D if it's used simply to mimic reality; why not just make a movie with live actors, then? Much to my fangirlish joy, Final Fantasy Advent Children applied computer graphics exactly as they should be used: bringing fantastical things into a realistic, three dimension world. In my opinion, this film is the pinnacle of 3D animation thus far. With characters designed just as they were in the game, each member of Cloud's team and the Turks getting a moment in the spotlight, and new enemies that are equally as impressive as the old, it was simultaneously nostalgic and exciting to watch. During the final scene, when Cloud sees the Aerith and Zack apparitions, I honestly got chills. All the characters we came to love during the game are back and beautifully portrayed, with their personalities captured by a talented cast of voice actors, and inspiring animators. The musical score didn't disappoint me either. I was ecstatic to hear remixes of the original game's music. Character themes (such as Aerith's, JENOVA's and Sephiroth's) are kept intact, as well as given a new flare for the movie. Even a little homage to the battle theme cropped up when Loz's cel phone rings after his battle with Tifa: the ring tone is none other than the FF7 battle victory theme. I was awe-struck by the battles themselves. I had been wondering how they would translate the line-to-line battle mode of the game into real-time melee. It worked surprisingly well when Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Vincent, RedXIII, and Cait Sith fight Kadaj's monster. Each character had their moment to fight, while still maintaining a brawl-like atmosphere to the battle. Unfortunately, the one flaw Advent Children had, was simply too much fighting. As a fan, and knowing the movie was based on a battle-oriented game, I could let this slide, but I think that the uninitiated would find it tiresome. Of course, any lament I had was erased when the monsters "FOOM-ed" out of existence upon defeat. To close, I can assure every fan that they will not be disappointed by Advent Children. Every hope I had for anime based on Final Fantasy 7 came true. • Screen captures can be found here. Please don't direct link to them or I'll shove Masamune up your asses. Rates: 4.5/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Final Fantasy 7, Last Order: Years ago, Cloud left his hometown of Niblehiem with the hopes of joining SOLDIER to be like his hero, the renowned military leader, Sephiroth. Though Cloud enlisted successfully, his allergy to the fortifying Mako treatment given to SOLDIERs caused Cloud to never be promoted. However, part of Cloud’s wish comes true when he’s assigned to a mission with Sephiroth and First Class SOLDIER Zack. The small troop travel back to Niblehiem, where they are to inspect reactors that have malfunctioned and begun to create monsters. Though they take care of the initial reactor problem, a much more dangerous threat emerges when Sephiroth stumbles upon a manner house that was used as a ShinRa (the leading power and resource company) research facility. Meanwhile, Cloud attempts to avoid questions from his mother and his old friend Tifa, who are both very interested in his return and his position in the army. Later that day, Cloud returns to the barracks to find them empty. Zack has left to find Sephiroth, and finally locates the man, still entombed in ShinRa Manner, surrounded by piles of paper. Zack approaches his commanding officer, trying to bring him back to his senses, but Sephiroth is engrossed by the notes left by Professor Hojo. These documents claim that Sephiroth was genetically engineered using JENOVA, who is erroneously believed to be the last of an ancient race called The Cetra. History surmises that the Cetra had the ability to communicate with the Earth and find the promised land- a very tempting power in a world that has been destroyed by war. However, Sephiroth doesn’t think of the possible good that could come of his newfound heritage; he is gripped by a sudden madness, and wishes only to find his “real mother”, JENOVA, who has been hidden in Niblehiem’s reactor. In a fit of rage and insanity, Sephiroth sets the town aflame and flees up to the reactor. In the chaos of the fire, Tifa searches for her father. She runs into her martial arts master who is tending to the wounded. Upon learning her father was up at the reactor, and that the now demented Sephiroth is also there, Tifa races up to save him. Tifa’s sensei finds Zack and implores him to go help Tifa. Despite his confusion over Sephiroth’s sudden change in demeanor, Zack follows the others to the reactor. Meanwhile, Tifa finds her father stabbed, Sephiroth’s notorious sword, Masamune, right by his side. Consumed by grief, Tifa takes on Sephiroth by herself, but he is a super SOLDIER, and without remorse, he cuts her down and continues to unearth JENOVA’s remains. Zack arrives and demands to know what Sephiroth is doing. When he’s ignored, Zack attacks Sephiroth, who fights him back emotionlessly and with ease. With skills inferior to Sephiroth’s near super-human strength, and still hesitating to cut down his head officer and friend, Zack is mortally stabbed by Sephiroth. Without a second glance, Sephiroth returns to speaking to JENOVA, despite the fact she appears to be completely unresponsive, suspended in a tube. Back in town, having found everybody missing, Cloud is the last to make his way up to Reactor Mountain, where he finds Tifa and Zack suffering from terrible sword wounds. Cloud remembers, in his childhood, having sworn to protect Tifa. Seeing her so close to death fills Cloud with a rage, and grabbing Zack’s Buster Sword, Cloud stabs straight through Sephiroth and into JENOVA. Finally snapping out of his emotionless psychosis, Sephiroth turns on Cloud, consumed with fury at the damage done to his Mother. The two battle furiously, but Cloud is immensely overpowered. Sephiroth skewers him twice, the second time dangling Cloud over LifeStream (the pure energy at the core of the Earth, used to power Mako reactors). With his last ounce of strength, Cloud pulls himself into Masamune, finds his footing, and whips Sephiroth into LifeStream instead. Shortly after, Tifa’s sensei fetches her, and brings her back to Niblehiem, where her wounds are cured. Before Zack and Cloud can perish from their injuries, Professor Hojo and his underlings, the Turks, arrive. Hojo collects the bodies and returns them to his lab, and for five years he performs further experiments involving transfusing both Mako and JENOVA cells into the two men. Sharing the treatment with Zack, and suffering a continuous toxic reaction to the Mako, Cloud begins to lose himself, and cannot tell what his real personality is. He lapses into a type of waking coma. Sensing this, Zack, who still has his wits about him, escapes the facility, taking Cloud with him. Hojo puts out a search and capture (or destroy, if necessary) on Cloud and Zack, and the Turks, headed by Zeng, track the two on their way to Midgar. Though Zack can easily overpower even whole platoons of normal military men with his ability as a SOLDIER, he is slowed down by trying to protect the still unresponsive Cloud, and eventually Zack is gunned down. Seeing Cloud is obviously no more than a vegetable, he is left to die. But Cloud doesn’t die; consumed with the subconscious knowledge that his only friend died because of him, and still very muddled from the Mako, Cloud takes Zack’s clothing, sword, and assumes his identity, claiming to be a SOLDIER, and repressing all memories to the contrary. And so, the game begins… Review: Do you love FF7? Have you yearned to see the characters come to life in traditional animation since first you laid yes on their simple polygons traipsing through your psx? If so, get ready for the most intense fangasm you have ever had. This entire short film was clearly a fanboy wank, but WHAT A WANK IT WAS; the animation is flawless, the character designs capture Cloud, Sephiroth, Tifa, Zack and the Turks perfectly, and the music is an entire score of remixes based on the original game soundtrack. That said, if you haven’t played FF7 (or even if you didn’t get all the way through), unless you’re gifted with supreme powers of inference, you’ll be hard pressed to understand exactly what’s going on. In the original game, Final Fantasy VII purposefully made Cloud’s past muddy and misleading as part of the plot. While Last Order revisits the clearer parts of the Niblehiem incident, it certainly isn’t a definitive timeline. Final Order is told from Tseng’s flashbacks as he tries to capture Cloud and Zack during their escape to Midgar; all the Niblehiem disaster is told in memory, so it can easily add more confusion for somebody who isn’t 100% sure of Cloud’s back-story. But I personally can’t feel too bad about the lack of newbie clarity. As a Final Fantasy VII fan (a ravenous one at that- just look at my DNS), I LOVED Last Order. It has been my dream for nearly a decade to see these characters escape the shittiness of 3D, my most hated of mediums, and finally be portrayed in brilliant traditional animation! Finally my day has come! ReUNION! :D Rates: 5/5