Gongaga Yaoi: Review

For Advent Children: See Final Fantasy Advent Children
For A Foreign Love Affair: See Ikoku Irokoi Romantan
For After Class Lesson: See Houkago, Nureta Seifuku
For After School in the Teacher’s Lounge: See Houkago no Shokuinshitsu
For Aim for the Top: Gunbuster: See Gunbuster
For A Promise to a Rose: See Sailor Moon R Movie
For Bakuretsu Hunters: See Sorcerer Hunters
For Bakuretsu Tenshi: See Burst Angel
For Binetsu Shoukougun: See Slight Fever Syndrome
For Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon: See Sailor Moon
For Black Dream Hole: See Sailor Moon SuperS Movie
For Boku no Chikyuu wo Mamotte: See Please Save My Earth
For Boku wa Konomama Kaeranai: See I Shall Never Return
For Bronze: See Zetsuai
For Buttobi CPU: See I Dream of Mimi
For Castle Beyond the Looking Glass: See Inu-Yasha 2nd Movie
For Castle in the Sky: See Laputa: Castle in the Sky
For China-San no Yuutsu: See Spirit of Wonder
For Chivas 1-2-3: See Sorcerer on the Rocks
For Chou Kousoku GranDoll: See Hyper Speed Grandoll
For Choukou Tenshi Escalayer: See Beat Angel Escalayer
For Conqueror of Shambala: See Full Metal Alchemist the Movie
For Countdown: See Temptation Countdown
For Count of Monte Cristo: See Gankutsuou

A
	Adolescence of Utena: Utena returns to Ootori Gakuen, dressed as a boy. She intends on finding Touga to ask why he disappeared from her life after professing love. However, this plot is put on the backburner when Utena duels with Saionji, intent on teaching him that hitting Anthy is no way to treat a girlfriend. Inadvertently, Utena herself wins Anthy by claiming victory of the duel. Because Anthy now feels she belongs to Utena, she spends a lot of time with her, and despite Utena's initial reservations about the situation, she grows close to Anthy as a friend, and eventually, as romantic partner. Together they realize that the only way to mend their hurtful memories is to escape the school and all the oppression it represents. After resolving her past with Touga and knowing she doesn't need him any longer, Utena and Anthy undertake the harsh journey to break free from the restrictive school. Review: Anybody who's seen the movie knows that the above summary is the plot's barest of bones. Utena, The Movie, is positively teeming with symbolism. From Anthy "drowning" Utena's sorrows by breaking a water main in her garden, to the literal transformation of Utena when she feels protective of Anthy, there is nothing in this movie that's left in its simplest form. But I think everybody agrees that the monster truck castle trying to run over Anthy, Nanami having transformed into a cow, and the convoluted incest in Anthy's family, can all be outdone by Utena transforming into a car. Yes, Utena transforms into a car. I'm not even sure I want to risk interpreting what it meant when Anthy starting driving Car!Utena around, but one thing is for sure: I had the Transformers song stuck in my head for the rest of the night ("Transformers! More than meets the eye."). Rates: 3/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Afro Samurai: In an alternate universe of feudal Japan, samurai coexist with modern day technology, clashing with swords, guns and bombs. One who wishes to prove himself master of these skills has one goal: to acquire the sacred #1 headband. Only a few decades ago, that band was owned by Afro Samurai's father, until he was slaughtered in front of his son's eyes by the #2. Taking that #2 headband as his signa of revenge, Afro trained throughout childhood, intent on becoming the best, and claiming vengeance for his father. However, an organization called The Empty Seven Clan has been covertly monitoring his every move, in hopes of securing both his skills and the #2 rank. This organization of batty old monks and deranged thugs has no respect for honor, and sends Afro's childhood friend, Okiku, to seduce him and gather information before destroying him. But Okiku instead finds herself seduced, and can't bring herself to kill the boy she loved. Though Afro tries to stop them, The Empty Seven kills Okiku for her betrayal. For their next attack, they take human error completely out of the equation, and send a cyborg replica of Afro to finish the job. Though the machine can copy Afro, he uses his master's advice, to always grow, improve and be original, to win through unpredictability. But his journey to the #1 is blocked, not just by extreme opponents, but by memories. Having found him as a child, grown and trained alongside Afro, Jino cared deeply for his friend and their clan of orphans. But the two grew apart when Afro learned their master possessed the #2 headband and killed him for it. Jino never forgave Afro for choosing revenge over their master and "family". Now, twisted with hate, Jino confronts Afro, not for the headband, but for vengeance. Though he initially has trouble squaring off against his old friend, Afro finds it in himself to fight, win, and move forward to challenge the #1. While fighting against the man who killed his father, Afro realizes that the battle doesn't end with revenge. Possessing #1 guarantees an ongoing path of blood leading to his future. Afro remembers his family, friends, and others caught in the crossfire. But even with the dark knowledge that he'll walk the path alone, he dons the #1 headband, and accepts his fate as a killer. Review: AWW DAT'S RACIST~ But seriously, once you get past the over-the-top cross-genre fighting, Afro Samurai has some really great ideas- which is why it pissed me off so badly! It had SO MUCH potential; fluid animation, unique (if not a bit muddy) design, and fantastic fight sequences. But the Stupid Quotient just completely overshadows the strong points. First, the voice acting will set your teeth on edge. The guys are just so LOUD and trying too hard to be ghetto, while the ladies are just plain bad. Where did they get Okiku's voice actress? Off the street? Plot-wise, I can't really complain about the main story, because it's pretty standard samurai fare. What cocked it up so badly was what they added- the "hot women" falling all over The Empty Seven was just plain gross. OLD MAN SEX- no, no, thanks. Why would you put that in? Shock value? I've seen gold diggers, and I'd rather not be force-fed what they do in the sack. Lastly, the worst case of shitting all over an otherwise acceptable roast- AFRO'S SIDEKICK (or alternate persona, Ninja Ninja). Holy cuntwaffling Christ, this guy is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. He's like a loud-mouthed Disney sidekick, but instead of being a forgettable forest animal, he's a giant dude that gets his hideous face in EVERY SHOT, yelling about this or that. If you thought Chris Tucker fucked up the Rush Hour movies with his jackassery, PREPARE TO BE ENRAGED. Was it too "boring" to just have intense samurai fights? Did they have to add this noisemaking, ever-narrating chatterbox for the retards that didn't realize what was going on without it being spelled out in Blackanese? Yes, yes, he's the antithesis to Afro's calmness and personifies his childhood trauma BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. What's the demographic for this? Thirteen year-old ADD wiggers? Probably. I think the best comparison for this would be The Maxx meets Samurai Champloo, and with more blood than Ninja Scroll- BUT, instead of taking the best aspects of the series it ripped off, it took the worst: monologuing villains that never die, too-complex designs that become hard to comprehend as they're lost in their intricacy, and a go-nowhere plot that you can't even claim was "fun for the ride". In the end, I have to give props for an interesting take on an overdone idea, but contrary to what your kindergarten teacher told you, uniqueness isn't the same thing as talent. If your "fresh new idea" has been described as "[existing movie] with a [racial stereotype] flare", it's a steaming load of horsespunk. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Several episodes with progressive plot on each.
	Firstly, a brief summary of Ah! My Goddess, the original anime series: Keiichi Morisato dials the wrong number and accidentally contacts the Relief Goddess Office. Belldandy appears and offers to grant him a wish. Sceptical and understandably attracted to this messenger, Keiichi jokingly wishes for Belldandy to stay with him forever, and to his surprise, his wish is granted. Soon Belldandy's sisters, Urd and Skuld, come to chaperone the new couple. Ah! My Goddess, The Movie: Based three years after the OAV, this movie features Keiichi as a racing enthusiast and upperclassman at the Nekomi Institute of Technology. His girlfriend Belldandy encounters her former teacher Celestin, who curses her. Through Belldandy, this infects the network goddesses use and causes Belldandy to lose all her memories of Keiichi. Belldandy and Keiichi's relationship is further threatened by Morgan, a new student and member of the racing club. She offers to be Keiichi's new partner. However, when Belldandy sees pictures of herself and Keiichi racing, she recovers some emotion for him, along with the ability to drive. Gradually, Belldandy regains more of her past with Keiichi, forcing Morgan to apply more desperate measures to keep the two apart. She kisses Keiichi, and after this fails, she turns into her true form, a butterfly-creature that has been under the command of Celestin. She flies away before Keiichi can help her. Belldandy soon recovers her lost memories of Celestin as well. She remembers that her mentor disagreed with using the Judgement Gate, a portal through which mortal-goddess couples must walk to prove their love. Every pair was separated, and Celestin fought to end the discrimination against humans. For rebelling, he was imprisoned. Because of her status, the Higher Goddesses took away Belldandy's memories of the event instead of jailing her. After escaping, Celestin is still intent on destroying The Gate. Belldandy prepares to be cured of the virus, but Celestin possesses Keiichi and rips the curse out of Belldandy's body, releasing it on the Earth. However, before it can be completely destroyed, Keiichi takes back control, and helps Belldandy save the world. Together, they put everything back to the way it was. Review: Even the impressively animated racing scenes can't hide Belldandy's melba toast-like personality. I would say I hated her, but that would be like saying I hated a particularly offensive table. Without the romantic humour of the series, the Ah! My Goddess movie is just a cheap "magical girl, saves the world!" love in. Keiichi is unimpressive as any other human character in an enchanted storyline, and Belldandy's sisters exist solely for eye candy and rehashed panty jokes. The musical score and voice acting is inoffensive at best, but forgettable in general. Overall, this anime was a good time-waster, but you’ve got to be pretty bored to get through it in one go. I took a couple of breaks, watched some saucy women catfight to offset Belldandy, and then got back to it. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Ai no Kusabi: In the world of Amoi the lives of humans are governed by a supercomputer named "Jupiter" which has divided all people into two races; the genetically modified superior race are called "Blondies" and occupy the capital city of Tanagura, while the natural humans are referred to as "Mongrels" and are forced to live in the slums of Ceres. In these slums Riki the Dark grew up and formed a gang named Bison. Within the gang, Riki met Guy, who was quite taken with his leader. But Riki's body belongs (quite literally) to another man; Iason Mink, a Blondie, saved Riki's life. To repay the debt, Riki offered up his body, not knowing he would be made into a Pet. Though it's socially accepted that Blondies have human Pets, the Blondies are supposed to be asexual, and only use Pets as a form of voyeurism. Iason's direct contact with a Mongrel not only gets him reprimanded by Raoul (his second in command), but alerts Jupiter to Iason's activities. In order to shake the mistrust, Iason lets Riki free for a year by removing his Pet Ring (which is essentially a cock ring that can only be administered by a Master to his Pet). Believing Iason has forgotten him, Riki returns to his gang. But, as he promised Iason returns. Distance made his heart grow fonder, and he now harbors a deep love for Riki and captures him, returning his Pet Ring and forcing him to live in Tanagura. In the fray of police chasing both Riki and Iason, Guy becomes suspicious and confronts Bison's leader. Riki admits that he's a Pet to Iason. Overcome by jealousy and indignant rage at Riki's subservience, Guy kidnaps Riki and removes his pet ring the only way he knows how: by cutting off his penis. Iason manages to track the two Bison members down, and is understandably irate when he finds what Guy did to Riki. The two fight ferociously, but upon Riki's request, Iason allows Guy to escape. But before Riki and Iason can follow, the explosives Guy set up in the building are ignited. In his desperation to save Riki, Iason has his legs severed, and begs Riki to leave him. However, under his own will, Riki returns and shares a poisoned cigarette (called "Dark Moons") with Iason. He chooses to die with his master, on his own terms. Reivew: This anime was like a soap opera… With men. And love bots. And giant shoulder pads. Once again the Vision of the Future we all had in the eighties is proven to be horrifyingly wrong, and equally boring. Ai no Kusabi suffered from cramming a manga series into two episodes; the characters are extremely one-dimensional, nobody has a tangible past, and the plot is extremely confusing and badly unfolded. Not only is it difficult to understand, but there’s not enough yaoi content to keep a fangirl’s interest through the random scenes loosely strung together by association that tried to be a movie. While the design was nice in certain scenes, it differed quite a bit throughout the show, as did the animation. Some scenes were incredibly slick, others were dark, off-model, and badly drawn. My main complaint is with Riki’s gang, all of whom look practically the same. I realize Riki’s SUPPOSED to be a generic “Mongrel”, but they could have at least given him a fancy jacket so we could tell him apart from Everybody Else in Ceres. Of course, little things like bad design, forgettable music, and boring characters are nothing compared with the main turn-off in Ai no Kusabi: A GUY GETS HIS JUNK CUT OFF. No amount of soft core boy love will make me want to see that again (or forget it for a very long time). Granted you don’t see it graphically lobbed off, but even just the suggestion is enough to make me revisit my Cheerios. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Note: This was first a video game- and that explains a lot. Air: After drifting from town to town, making barely enough to live on using his somewhat magical puppet tricks, Kunisaki Yukito happens upon a quiet seaside village. Having walked for miles, and unable to charm the children of the town with his magic, he collapses due to exhaustion. When Yukito awakes, he is joined by a boisterous girl named Misuzu. Though she is full of innocent energy, she's also very lonely, admitting to Yukito that she's spending the summer alone. But Misuzu is quick to perk up, and brings Yukito home with her, despite his objections. Misuzu immediately feeds Yukito dinner, and offers him a place to stay. He's cautiously optimistic, and asks if the Misuzu's mother will mind. She explains that she lives with her aunt; her mother died years ago, and her father refused to care for her due to an unexplained illness. Before Yukito can make anything of Misuzu's past, Haruko bursts in- quite literally. She promptly tells Misuzu that Yukito can't stay. However, after a couple of drinks with Yukito, Haruko takes a liking to him, and lowers her protective exterior, sharing with him her hopes that he can keep her adoptive-daughter company. Yukito agrees, and takes up a job at the local clinic. However, as he spends more time with Misuzu, her illness worsens: she faints, complains of odd pains, and suffers uncontrollable fits of crying. Haruko, aloof as always, tells Yukito to continue caring for Misuzu, and leaves the house. Yukito is furious that Haruko is so negligent of Misuzu, but can do nothing to stop her. That night, Misuzu explains her condition: she cannot get close to anybody. Sharing friendship causes both her and her friends to become seriously ill. At first, Yukito is skeptical, but he remembers that his mother once told him a tale of a girl who lived in the sky, and dreamed of traveling in time. This girl would eventually have her last dream, and it would take her life. Yukito sees a resemblance between this fantastical girl and Misuzu, who often has strange, other-worldly dreams. In an attempt to save Misuzu, Yukito leaves. Flash back approximately one thousand years, back in the days of Japan's ascension to power over the isles. A race of winged women is feared by the soldiers, and hunted in attempts to quell their magical powers. One such winged girl is Kana, who has been cloistered in a temple since her birth. With her handmaid Uraha as her only company, she is excited when the royal guard, Ryuuya, is sent to protect her. She orders him to help her find her mother, who is being held captive in a nearby temple. Uraha and Ryuuya accompany Kana on her quest, but the end is fatal: Kana's mother is killed, and as Kana herself escapes into the sky, she is shot several times by solder's arrows. However, she does not return to earth, but disappears. Left alone, Ryuuya and Uraha have a child, knowing that with a family line, their will can live on to one day save Kana from her imprisonment in the sky. Uraha explains that Kana will one day be reborn, but the reincarnation will be incomplete, because it's impossible to put a heavenly soul into a mortal body. Back in present time, Misuzu relives her life from the day she met Yukito, this time befriending a crow which she names Sora. Throughout her journey, Sora stays by her side, even when she is at her most ill. Sora also follows Haruko around, and becomes her mute psychiatrist. Haruko muses that she has made the wrong decision, distancing herself from Misuzu. She was afraid, one day, Misuzu's father would take her away, and Haruko did not want to become attached. As before the flashback, Haruko leaves the house, but this time reveals she is going to beg Misuzu's father for custody. When Haruko returns, Misuzu is still in pain, and refuses to accept Haruko's advances to be a "real" mother. Hurt, but not backing down, Haruko spends all her free time with Misuzu, trying to make things right. But one day, when Haruko greets Misuzu, she does not remember Haruko. Misuzu's condition deteriorates; she cannot walk, is lackluster, and has no recollection of her past. In this painful time, Misuzu's father comes back to claim his daughter, accusing Haruko of not taking proper care of her. Haruko argues, asking Misuzu to decide, but Misuzu cannot make a decision: she doesn’t remember either adult. Days go by, the feud over Misuzu still on-going, and eventually, Misuzu's father comes to permanently reclaim his daughter. Haruko is heart broken, until Misuzu suddenly protests, and runs to Haruko, calling her "mommy" for the first time since her memory loss. Agreeing that Misuzu is indeed happiest with Haruko, Haruko spends the remainder of the summer with Misuzu. Although Misuzu's condition does not get better, her spirits lift to be so openly loved by Haruko. One evening, in the last days of summer, Misuzu gets up out of her wheelchair and walks to Haruko, saying that she has fulfilled all her wishes: to try her best, and to have a friend. Her life is complete, and the pain can end. Weeks later, Haruko is gazing at the ocean, when she notices a crow. She wonders if it’s Sora, and tells it to fly into the sky, where humans can’t reach. As the crow takes flight, Yukito’s voice is heard, saying he will continue searching for the lonely girl in the sky. Review: As always, an unbiased summary makes even the lamest anime seem cool, so let's be truthful here: this guy ends up in a village full of neurotic women that have questionable relationships with each other. He farts around there for a while, fails to pork anybody whatsoever, and hangs around with children, luring them into his web of deceit with magic tricks. Then, for no apparent reason, there's a segue into a crazy interpretive dance about the history of Japan. Returning to the main story, our prowling puppeteer is cursed with Explosive AMNESIA! This opens up the last few episodes to be mostly clip shows, from the perspective of a mangy crow (I couldn't make this shit up if I tried). The end. I can't put into words the type of atmosphere Air has; it's a show about the most banal people ever. The episodes (with the exception of the wacky flashback) are largely about nothing. Misuzu's summer vacation is about as exciting as cribbage with grandma. The only incentive to keep watching is "Oh god, it's gotto pick up soon. Nobody can make 12 whole episodes of fluff." Well, count me wrong. I'm eating my hat as we speak. Misuzu makes every episode so sugary sweet that you should invest in dentures as you queue up Episode 1. I wish I had. Even her grief is nauseating tripe. At first, I found a little interest in Yukito's misguided interest in young girls- but the guy deteriorates into such a wad. After three episodes of acceptable aloofness, he's infected by Misuzu's soppy attitude, and turns into the worst male lead EVER. He swears to take care of Misuzu, then leaves so they can both be happy, because it's "for the best". Distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder, it makes the audience grow furious. Particularly when it involves 20 minutes of tearful goodbyes, followed by Misuzu tantruming like a 3 year old. Cheer up, emo kid. It just takes one bullet to end the pain. And "pain" is probably the understatement of the century; the final three episodes of Air are so angsty, I swear they ripped the dialogue directly from an Evanescence song. Misuzu says "I'll do my best" while she's falling on her face in agony so many times that I ceased to be annoyed, and simply resigned myself (... To DO MY BEST to get through the rest of this vomit crock of a series). In the end, Air comes to a blaring crescendo of a) confusion and b) angst, with Misuzu's "mysterious disease" making her a gimp, Haruko having motherly revolutions to quit drinking, and Yukito turning into a crow. Wow. Let's all remember the very important lesson we have learned here: never mix a soap opera plot with a fairy tale. It makes less sense than identical evil-twin brothers coming back from the dead. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Several episodes with progressive plot on each.
	Ai Shimai: Taketo has spent his life in the shadow of his father, Nogawa. A successful business man and the president of his own company, Nogawa is also a notorious collector of female attention. Taketo tries to follow in his father's footsteps. One of his first sexual interests was Yumi, a girl who rejected Taketo for being just a boy. She was promptly hired by his father as a "private secretary". Once again, Nogawa outdid his son, leaving Taketo with a bruised ego. Several years later, Taketo is still on the prowl, competing with his father in a game they've made of sex. Their latest duel involves a small family that Nogawa and Taketo attempt to blackmail. While driving, Yukie is involved in an traffic accident. Taketo sues her for the damages, but being a middle-class housewife, Yukie cannot pay. Taketo agrees that he'll ignore the financial debt if Yukie pays with sexual favors instead. With her husband away on a business trip, Yukie agrees. Unbeknownst to Yukie, her step-daughter Rumi is also blackmailed into the debt, as is her younger sister Tomoko. Rumi is first to attempt to stop Taketo from taking advantage of her mother. She offers herself instead, much to Yukie's dismay. Though Tomoko doesn't actively seek to help with the debt, Yumi snatches Tomoko up for Nogawa's behalf, explaining Yukie's situation to Tomoko. Guilty for being the only family member not helping, Tomoko agrees to give herself to Nogawa, and he is once again victorious. Review: Okay, so the plot makes about as much sense as Buffy's 5th Season, but do you honestly even care? Back-story barely even factors into this anime amid the scenes upon scenes of surprisingly well animated sex. I dare you nay-sayers to get through Ai Shimai without a wank fest. It's got everything you could want: milfs, schoolgirls, hot secretary on chick action, and a creepy old man you'll have to repress memories about after it's over. The design of Ai Shimai has slick OAV quality and the animation is series-grade, which is saying a lot for porn. I'd also like to point out that it's NOT CENSORED. For those of us sick of seeing glowing manrods and fluorescent dripping orifices of mystery, a detailed wang is a godsend. Blasphemy aside, I only have two quarrels with Ai Shimai. First, and most obviously, the dub is crap and a half. Why is it English girls can't properly sound like they're being reamed by a tennis racket? This should be a compulsory voice acting class. Racket Penetration 101. My second critique is about the music- sad piano solos do NOT make a sexy atmosphere. I was actually periodically distracted from the boobies by this sappy score. I realize Rumi's sacrificing her sexy virgin body and all that usual fodder, but the minute sex starts, so does the emo-fest Ai Shimai calls a soundtrack. My advise is to just mute this altogether- now that I've told you why the girls are generally wet, wild and willing, just sit back and enjoy The Panty Trick. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: Several episodes with progressive plot on each.
	Akiba Girls: Shindo Nikita is a self-proclaimed Akihabara fanatic; he takes a weekly trip down to the prefecture to buy erotic games. These naughty characters are his only sexual experience until he decides to join the Obscure Trivia Research Club [notoriously the geekiest after school activity]. When he shows up to enroll in the club, he catches a girl in the middle of getting dressed. Although Nikita is extremely embarrassed, the girl introduces herself as Tamaye Akiyoshi, a fellow member, and explains she was trying on her cosplay outfit for an upcoming convention. While the two wait for the club president, Tamaye notices Nikita is nervous being alone with a girl, and decides to put his anxieties to rest by seducing him. Confused by what just happened, but generally pleased, Nikita agrees to attend the convention with Tamaye and the president. Strangely enough, good luck can be a little too good when during his usual trip to Akiba Nikita meets Ren, a girl he's had a crush on for some time, who asks him for a tour of the Geek Mecca. Bewildered and delighted by his good fortune Nikita continues to entertain Ren, and they agree to meet again for another date. No sooner has she walked away then the terrible thought strikes him; the convention is on the same day! Wanting to have his cake and eat it too, Nikita invites Ren to the convention, another addition to the ever-growing group of women interested in blowing his job; Tamaye, and with increasing levels of obviousness, his sister Mei. By a random whimsy of fate Nikita is fortunate enough to walk in on another girl in the middle of disrobing in a room filled with action figures behind an unlocked door, and as luck would have it, it's his favourite erotic game voice actress looking to 'practice her acting' with him! Though Ren assures him she's still interested in him despite his odd interests and meddling sister, Nikita is puzzled by Mei's newfound jealousy. Turning to the only other woman he knows Nikita asks his older sister for advice. She laughs at him, attempts to have mad drunken sex with him for money, and reveals to him the plain fact that Mei wants him more than a prostitute wants blow. Overwhelmed by the sheer number of ladies suddenly knocking at his door, Nikita rushes home to console Mei and confess his creepy Brother Love for her, and the two get down to some serious sibling rivalry involving butt-licking. Deeply in love, by all logic incapacitated by the frequency of his lovemaking, and yet wanting more Nikita allows himself to be dragged into a romp with his recent date Ren. Tired, satisfied, and filled with shame he creeps home... only to have a spurned and vicious incestuous woman waiting to beat him about the face and eyes in retribution. Review: Fantastic design, great animation [despite how detailed everything is], and consensual, varied, costumed sex- are the otaku in the audience listening yet? Yes, this anime is for you. Busty women dolled up in maid outfits practically throw themselves at Nikita, as they find his social awkwardness cute and charming. Oh yes, penned straight from the geek brain, including jokes about Hit Points, Cure Potions, and many a nod to Akiba-ke culture. A lot of reviewers have panned Akiba Girls, saying it's stereotypical, the animation is bad, and that the breasts are too large. Well first of all, cartoon boobs can never be too large, and secondly the quality is better than 90% of hentai out there. I'd like to know where they're finding these fabled collections of Miyazaki-quality hentai featuring geeky boys fulfilling their sexual fantasies at anime conventions. Is it NO WHERE? Okay, so if you're looking for something with tentacles and dick girls, maybe you should move along to the fan-favorite fuckfest Bible Black, which everybody seems to love for some inexplicable reason. As for me, I liked the curvy women, I laughed at the video game jokes, and I related to the highlight of Nikita's week being a new hentai game release. Rates: 3.5/5 Tapes: Several episodes with progressive plot on each.
	Akira: Eighteen years ago, the government began illegal testing on children. Based on the theory that one could merge with pure energy and wield this power, a group of children was endowed with psychic abilities, causing a world-wide disaster. Now, in the year 2006, Tokyo has been rebuilt. The city thrives, hosting the Summer Olympics and successful business ventures. But among the satisfied populace, a discontent underworld has begun to spill out into the streets. Anti-government radicals, aware of the illegal government operation that took place in the past, begin to hold rallies and recruit members that are hellbent on stopping the disaster from happening again. However, researchers are much more short sighted, and have begun testing on children anew. The project, dubbed Akira (a namesake to the most powerful of the original children), has begun to branch out once more. In addition to the militant groups, news of the testing has caught on with cult leaders, who follow Akira like a religion. Meanwhile, on rough streets, gang wars become more violent. Kanaeda, along with his friend Tetsuo and their bike gang, take on a rival sect named the Clowns. In one particularly bloody crusade, Tetsuo is injured when he speeds out of control, trying to dodge a strange child that appeared on the road. In the post-collision rubble, the government arrives. Kanaeda and his friends are in tow, and make the scene just in time to see Tetsuo taken aboard a government ship, along with the child. Tetsuo is brought to the testing facility where the remaining children of the Akira project reside. There he is given the same psychic abilities as the subjects that were used eighteen years previous. However, Tetsuo's powers begin to grow and climb out of the facility's control. Kindled by the rage he feels toward his parents for orphaning him and his peers for alienating him, Tetsuo escapes from the facility in search for Akira, the one entity rumored to have more power that he. As his friend rages through the city, destroying mercilessly, Kanaeda joins the resistance movement to find out what has happened to Tetsuo. Kay, a part of the group, sympathizes with Kanaeda, and wishes to help. But soon she is possessed by one of the Original Children, who uses her to take Tetsuo down by force. Kanaeda races to Akira's location to take on Tetsuo himself and spare Kay. But when he arrives, Tetsuo merges with Akira. The power is uncontrollable and consumes Tetsuo. Those around him are also in danger of being assimilated, and Kanaeda fights for both his own life and his friends. But Tetsuo is beyond help. Consumed by the power of Akira, Tetsuo is lost to the pure energy on which his powers were based. With the reaction contained, Kanaeda and Kay witness the end of the Akira project, an advent in science that may have destroyed the world, if it hadn't been for the intervention of the Original Children, Kanaeda, and Kay. Review: When a headache isn't just a headache, trust Aspirin for Akira strength pain. Am I the only one who left this movie with some sympathetic mind strain? Or maybe it was from the excessive yelling at those irritating psychic children. Throughout the entire anime I was routing for them to die horrible twisted deaths. Yes, they were just that annoying. Speaking of characters gone horribly wrong- What exactly is happening with Kay's transgendered life? At times, I couldn't tell her and Kanaeda apart. Lady, when things look their worst, when the world is collapsing into oblivion, just put on a little lipstick. Everything will sort itself out. Not that any of this shit had to happen. I mean honestly, you'd think after the initial time psychics ran amok in Tokyo, they'd learn not to put "automatic locks" on the patients' doors- Or at least stop pestering the Boy With Ultimate Power with puny weapons. But wait, let me get this straight, he's destroying the world... Over a motorcycle? Yes, yes, the deep psychological trauma, predestination, and all that- Well, I guess it IS a pretty sweet ride. But nothing compared to Akira- Score! It's full of beer! Oh wait, no. Never mind it's test samples. It's about at this point, when Akira is found, that Tetsuo goes off model: his eyes are WAY too close together, like his face imploded. Or perhaps that's all foreshadowing to the whole "Tetsuo exploding" chapter of Akira. Ah well, at least he offset the ugly with a fashionable cape! Special FX also had a tough time surviving. While some were well done, most dust resembled expanding marshmallows more than sifting rubble. Though the animation was incredibly well done, it's as if they overused their budget. People moved too constantly, and facial expression was over exaggerated. But regardless of these small flaws, Akira, overall, is an impressive piece of work. The plot is ahead of its time, with precocious animation to match. Yet after all is said and done, the flaws, highlights, and fiercely aggravating children are taken into account, you'll still leave Akira with one sentiment: "That's some fucked up shit, right there." Rates: 3/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Note: The version of A Kite Media Blasters released is heavily edited to remove underage sexual content. More of it is preserved in the Director’s Cut, but to get the fully uncensored version you must download or find a VCD of a fan sub. A Kite: Not many years ago, Sawa’s parents were brutally murdered, leaving her orphaned. That day threw her headlong into independence. Her foyer into the adult world continued with her adoption by detective Akai, who didn’t simply offer her a home, but gave her the life of both an assassin and a woman. Akai and his accomplice Kanie arrange vigilante-style murders that are carried out by middle school children. Though they are messy killers, Akai’s position on the police force allows him to dispose of evidence and turn the other cheek at many clues that would otherwise lead to the arrest of his adopted children. A sadist and a sociopath, Akai manipulates all those around him, finding his pleasure in other people’s ruin. When he notices Sawa beginning a relationship with Oburi, one of his other assassins, Akai takes action against the boy. He sends him to assassinate a talented FBI agent, which very nearly gets Oburi killed. When Oburi returns with knife in hand and heart on his sleeve, Akai is quick to turn the situation against the boy. He rapes Sawa in front of Oburi, humiliating him. Once he orders Kanie to dispose of Oburi, Akai commends Sawa on her performance, and reminds her that she’s his best assassin and right hand woman. Sawa takes the praise, watching Akai’s actions with silent hatred; she has been biding her time, knowing the true irony that lays beneath the mesh of twisted relationships around her. Both Akai and Kanie are the very people they hunt: murderers and child abusers. Sawa realized long ago that her parents were murdered by Akai himself. He arranged a tragedy just to project himself as a hero: a figure of power that came bearing abuse in Sawa’s younger years. Despite her fury, Sawa remains calm, leaving Akai’s presence under the pretence of studying for exams. When asked why she doesn’t simply quit school, she argues that she looks better with a pencil in her hand than a gun. Akai disregards the remark, thinking nothing of Sawa’s strange disposition until the next day, when he finds Kanie dead instead of Oburi. Suspecting the boy of committing the act, he is unafraid as a shadowy figure corners him in the storm drain. However, it is not the injured and unthreatening Oburi, but Sawa with her deadly aim that confront Akai. She lays down his injustices toward her, and follows them with bullets. Leaving her gun and relics of the past with Akai’s body, Sawa leaves the scene to join Oburi in their new life. Meanwhile, Oburi is doing the same- casting off the weapons of his life under Akai. However, before he can join Sawa in atonement and new beginning, the story starts anew, with a young girl ready to kill at a moment’s notice. Her target: Oburi. Review: Yes, the rumours are true, there is indeed uncensored sex in A Kite- Settle down, spaz. Because, honestly if you’re renting solely for a wank fest: don’t. A Kite’s plot WILL have you stopping mid-skim and actually paying attention, even when the characters are FULLY CLOTHED. This anime packs action into a psychological thriller with flawless design, snappy animation, and a gritty blues score that compliments the plot perfectly. Though the characters are slightly underdeveloped, I was remarkably empathetic of them after only 45 minutes of this feature’s run time. I’ll admit Kanie and Akai are essentially the same character; one suave, one creepy and malformed, while Sawa and Oburi are also very similar; but nobody came into this expecting a menagerie of personalities to please all viewers. They’re assassins, and pretty much only come in two forms: Psychopathic and insane, or confused and regretful. I’d like to close by addressing the ending, which many found to be an unwelcome surprise. To them I repeat: they’re ASSASINS. If you didn’t see it coming, perhaps you should go watch Sailor Moon, where everybody comes back to life in the end. Rates: 4.5/5 Tapes: Several episodes with progressive plot on each.
	Alien 9: Yuri Otani is an average sixth grade girl. However the school she attends has a problem with aliens invading and causing havoc. To deal with these pests, three representatives from different classes are elected. Yuri is one such unfortunate candidate for the "Alien Club", and is elected by and large because nobody else wants the job. Her team-mates include Kasumi, a young and most vivacious girl who loves her position in the Alien Club, and Kumi, who's very independent and takes the responsibility of alien hunting onto herself. Miss Hisakawa, one of the school's professors, guides and instructs the girls on their task. When aliens invade the school, Yuri, Kasumi and Kumi head off with nets, gliding along on their roller blades, in attempts to catch the creatures. The girls are also equipped with a symbiotic alien which sits on their head. This creature feeds off the girl, but also protects her when the violence is too much for her to handle. This happens often to Yuri, who is too scared to properly fight. But despite being saved repeatedly by her alien partner, she's still disgusted by it (as well as all other aliens). Meanwhile Miss Hisakawa browses through student files. It's revealed that she too has the same defence as the symbiotic aliens, however she has no obvious alien partner. Through her eyes, the girls are introduced more thoroughly: Kasumi's house is covered in awards. Whatever the girl tries, she excels at and loves it exuberantly. She wants only to please her brother who has left to study abroad. Kumi's house is more demure. Her father passed away, leaving only Kumi's mother to support her child with her job as a writer. Since she was very young, Kumi helped her mother proof-read articles, and cares for her mother by cleaning the house and preparing food. Yuri's house is the most bland. Her mother is slightly disappointed in how cowardly her daughter can be, and chides her lovingly, but is ultimately proud of her position on the Alien Club team. In attempts to force Yuri to habituate to the aliens, Miss Hisakawa instructs the girl to feed the captured aliens that are kept in cages. However, this goes horribly awry when the aliens escape and run amok. Yuri's symbiotic alien is mortally wounded, and it goes insane, slaughtering the other aliens in its path, including Kumi and Kasumi's symbiotic partner aliens. This trauma is not easily forgotten, but the girls get a break while their aliens are re-grown by Miss Hisakawa. They spend summer break together and grow to be close friends. Weeks later, they return to school to find a whale-like alien has perched itself on the roof and refuses to budge. In order to revive it, Kasumi sacrifices herself, and is eaten by the alien. This prompts the creature to begin a psychic attack on the children, making them feel they are alone and unloved. With the help of their alien partners and Miss Hisakawa, Yuri and Kumi are able to rescue Kasumi and defeat the alien, returning the school to its previously peaceful existence. Review: Were you annoyed by Usagi of Sailor Moon? What about Miaka of Fushigi Yuugi? Compared to Yuri of Alien Nine, any other hesitant heroine will seem like the picture of maturity. Out of the one hundred minutes this series spans, Yuri spends at least ninety of those minutes crying. She cries when she’s being horribly brutalized by aliens, she cries when she’s invited to the mall by a friend, she cries when it’s summer vacation; halfway through the series she does some soul searching and comes to the realization that she feels a little sad. Well, thank you for clearing that up, because before that, I was certain the CONSTANT whining and whimpering was a sign of unbridled ecstasy at being licked by her alien hat. But after the first few episodes, once I habituated to Yuri’s wailing enough to pay full attention, I had the distinct feeling that I had seen these basic character mock-ups, shot choices, and plot somewhere else. Essentially, Alien Nine doesn’t even try to hide the fact it’s a bastardization of Evangelion that’s been shoved into four episodes, offers no world back story, features forgettable characters, and has such cutesy designs that seeing aliens burst from their pre-pubescent chests just makes you feel dirty. But honestly, I can get over the paedophilic symbolism of all this insertion, but- alien hats? Some sketches you just throw away! Particularly the ones with ears the characters could windsurf with. I couldn’t take Yuri seriously whenever she turned sideways, because her ear took up three quarters of the screen and proceeded in overshadowing the plot. No wonder the girl’s so twitchy. She’s suffering from sensory overload. As a whole, Alien Nine simply happened too quickly for the type of anime it tried to be. To really relate to the characters, one would need to grow with them, and perhaps then the urge to murder them and do a celebratory dance around their corpses would diminish. As it stands, seeing them slaughtered is more of a jolt because the designs are so incongruent with violence. It’s not so much a psychological shock, as something that makes artists cringe- much like the copious amounts of VIOLENTLY OBVIOUS 3D graphics used. They could have easily traditionally animated the facets they rendered in CG, but instead, they chose to use computer graphics in a glaring and terribly unpleasing fashion. Perhaps it was all a ploy to distract the audience away from Yuri’s ears for a few moments. In that case, it’s a just cause, and the 3D elements can be forgiven. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Several episodes with progressive plot on each.
	Alien from the Darkness: On a routine resource investigation mission to the planet Kerun, the female crew of the space ship Muze find an abandoned freighter. It is the cargo ship Zogne, and seems to have been destroyed in battle. The girls board the Zogne to search for survivors, only to find horrific corpses. The men are warped in death throws, while the women lay dead in pools of gelatin. The only clues to the cause of death are strange bruises on the female corpses' stomachs and a vial of the illegal drug Metrogria. Alarmed by the strange circumstance, the crew quickly gather the Zogne's sol survivor and retreat to their own ship. With the Zogne's wreckage destroyed, the Muze crew tend to their rescue victim. She's identified as Flair, a beautiful young girl with no memories of her time on the Zogne. Meanwhile, Hikari, the computer tech of the Muze analyzes the Zogne's records in attempts to discover what killed their crew. Unable to decipher the data, she finds herself stumbling across mysteries on her own vessel as well: an entire case of Metrogria has been hidden on the Muze. Not only are there illegal substances aboard, but the crew have started acting strangely as well. Hikari's friend Annie is the first to die inexplicably, and the other members fall one by one to a strange insanity. Desperate to find the answer before it's too late, Hikari breaks the Zogne records, and discovers that Flair has been the cause all along: she is not the alluring girl she appears to be, but is truly a grotesque alien. However, when the remaining crew attempt to fight Flair, they discover their guns have no effect. Scrambling to save herself, Hikari remembers the final piece to the puzzle: Metrogria. Loading the drug into her gun, she shoots and kills Flair. As the only remaining member of the crew, Hikari ejects her colleagues and sister's corpses into space along with the monster, escaping only with her own life. Review: "Star date 8008135... My sexy female crewmembers seem to be having a lot of hot lesbian action. I myself have enjoyed a choice strumpet or two. Too bad all this humping keeps getting us killed. I guess the bible was right- you have a little girl on girl action, and you end up dead in a pile of good that was your best friend's face." Yes, Alien from the Darkness is as contrived as they come, but the art is more than enough to make up for the over-done storyline. It's your classic well drawn women, standard animation, and tentacle monster disguised as a young girl. In short, a classic. The crew boasts a personality for all tastes: the butch, the bitch, the airhead, the sexy nurse- and they all get mercilessly tentacled by Flair. That's EXACTLY what we came to see. Unfortunately the protagonist lacks all the facets that make a good hentai lead. She's boring, annoying, never completely naked, never entirely violated, and owns an irritating ferret named Einstein. No matter how many times that thing gets down her cleavage, she never takes off her top. It's a real deal breaker. Hikari is also stunningly dull for the token "nerd". It takes her a painfully long time to discover that Metrogria is the answer. If I weren't so infuriated by her being entirely clothed, I'd laugh at the amount of time she spends wondering WHAT THE MISSING LINK could be. "Okay, there's this sexy rescue victim... And... What was the other thing we found... Damn. I'm the one who found it- I should know this." But she eventually figures it out, and ends up alone for eternity with her stupid ass boob rat. That critter scored more with Hikari than the hentacle monster, and when it comes to hentai, that's just plain sad. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Amon Saga: Valhiss, an evil emperor, has kidnapped the Princess Lichia, who is the daughter of the opposing king, Darai Sem. Though the initial abduction was to find the Valley of Gold, Valhiss grows fond of his captive, though she does not return the sentiment. She has fallen for Amon, who is a skilled swordsman and a newly recruited soldier for Valhiss' army. However, Amon is not loyal to Valhiss because he was responsible for his mother's death, a memory that haunts him even as an adult. Amon confronts Valhiss himself, swearing revenge, but he is defeated, and only succeeds in stealing away with his fellows and Princess Lichia. Meanwhile, Valhiss finally finds a map to the Valley of Gold, where he is matched by Amon and his friends. After a long fight, Valhiss is defeated by Amon, and the cave in which the gold is hidden collapses, as well as the empire over which Valhiss ruled. In the end, Amon chooses to continue travelling with the remaining soldiers, leaving Lichia to rule over Vindorana. Review: If you like formulaic anime, maybe you'll be able to get through this one, but I was either bored or in stitches at the cheese-factor. The pinnacle of cheese had to be Amon meeting Lichia when she's nude and bathing in a lake, then saving her, only to get cut so she had to tear off a piece of her shirt to bandage his wound. But Valhiss being a huge guy made of stone that Amon takes on regardless was pretty entertaining. Not to mention Amon's sensei is a Bard, complete with tiny harp. And did I mention the ending? Once Valhiss is defeated, everything around him collapses. Hum. I guess he was a load-bearing boss. The fantasy world used was sort of interesting; Valhiss lives in a city built on this giant moving turtle and people ride around on flying lizard-horses, but the intrigue is really short lived. With rehashed characters, and a plot complete with romantic subtext we've all seen before, Amon Saga was one huge snore. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Angel Sanctuary: Earth exists as a mirror of Hell. As humans began to pollute and corrupt Earth the demon ranks became weak and began to die out. With God entering a period of dormancy, the legions of angels took advantage of their enemy's weakness and their leader's lack of attention, and attacked the demons, killing without restraint. The Organic Angel Alexiel witnessed this, and was appalled at her race's corruption. Believing that the Demons were more honest, not hiding behind a pretence of entitlement, she joined the leagues of Hell, fighting against the invading Angels. However, her brother, Rosiel, questions her and Alexiel is forced to battle him. But she cannot deal a killing blow to her own flesh, and instead, seals him into the Earth itself using a barrier of forbidden magic. Though she did not kill her brother, this spell used all her power; she is captured and sentenced to have her soul and body separated. Her body is frozen in an Angel Crystal which is locked away in Machonon, the fourth layer of Heaven. Her soul is then set free to reincarnate into human mortals, whose lives would cursed with nothing but pain. In contemporary times, Alexiel's soul is born into Setsuna Mudou, where it lies dormant. Although Setsuna shows strange powers of foresight and stamina, his abilities are quenched by his sister, Sara, whom he loves in a romantic way. Because of these feelings, Setsuna is confused and troubled. He believes being around Sara will do nothing but corrupt her, and purposefully distances himself from her. In attempts to feign normalcy, Setsuna goes about his life as a high school student, but can't escape the backlash of his peers. They dislike him without reason, and Setsuna relies on his friend and upperclassman, Sakuya Kira, to help him out of many fights. However, like Setsuna, Sakuya is not what he seems. Though his body is human, Sakuya's soul is that of Alexiel's Holy Sword, Nanatusaya. When Sakuya was six, he died in a car accident, but before he perished, he and The Spirit made a deal: The Spirit would gain Sakuya's body, and Sakuya would get his wish. Sakuya's dying hope was that his father would feel no grief for his passing, and bid that The Spirit make his father hate him. Because The Spirit always loved Alexiel, Sakuya protects her current incarnation, Setsuna. Sakuya's task of shielding Setsuna becomes all the more difficult when he's caught in the ancient crossfire between Demons and Angels. With the help of his devoted follower, Katan, the seal on Rosiel has been broken, and the Angel is now obsessed with awakening his sister and gaining her approval. Demons have also come to Earth in attempts to awaken Alexiel. Kurai and her cousin Arachne attack Setsuna repeatedly in attempts to force Alexiel's power to surface. However, Kurai begins to soften toward Setsuna after seeing his love for his sister and his determination to live as a human, by his own rules. Meanwhile, Rosiel has been using the same attempts -forcing Setsuna to fight horrible monsters in order to awaken his sister- but to no avail. The more Setsuna loves Sara, the more Rosiel is tormented by his sister's soul belonging to somebody else. Finally, after the pain of separating himself from Sara, and the humiliation of having his love for her discovered, Setsuna and Sara confess their feelings for one another. Following Sakuya's advise to be himself and ignore judgment from those with false morals, Setsuna and Sara elope. This is the final straw on Rosiel's mind- their joy drives him mad. Seeing his master's distress, Katan takes it upon himself to kill Setsuna before Alexiel can awaken and cause Rosiel more pain. He confronts Setsuna and immediately attempts to destroy him with a blast of energy, but Sara shields her brother and takes the full force of the attack. With nothing remaining to tie him to the Earth, Setsuna's personality is taken over by Alexiel's, and his power overflows, destroying the city. Setsuna's soul becomes trapped in an illusion of happiness. But back in reality, Sakuya is mortally injured, and countless millions are being vaporized by Alexiel's uncontrolled power. Sakuya calls to Setsuna, who hears the voice of his friend through his illusion, and returns to reality. Setsuna's soul is once again in his body, but this time with Alexiel's memories intact, and her power under control. With his newfound strength, Setsuna faces Rosiel, and is finally able to get revenge for his own grief, and Alexiel's as well. But as the dust settles on the battle, despite being the victor, Setsuna is still morose; the city is in ruins, his friend is dying, and his beloved sister is gone. Just as he thinks all is lost, a holy light envelops Tokyo, and restores it to moments before Alexiel's destruction was unleashed. The Seraphita (highest level of spiritual being created by God), Adam-Kadamon uses Time Magic to restore the Earth. However, Sara still remains dead. Setsuna demands to know why his sister wasn't resurrected with everybody else. Adam-Kadamon explains that her death was necessary to unleash Setsuna's powers, which are needed to save the world. Adam-Kadamon is imprisoned in Etemenanch in the sacred realm, and if Setsuna does not free him before God's judgment, the material realm will vanish. Setsuna agrees to help Adam-Kadamon, on the condition that he's allowed to rescue Sara's soul from Hades first. Adam-Kadamon agrees, and tells Sakuya to stab Setsuna with Nanatusaya and send Setsuna's soul to Hades. With the Seraphita's blessing, Sakuya sends Setsuna on his quest. Review: I'm sure I'm not alone when I say, ZOMG INCEST. That was really my first thought as I watched Setsuna in his glorious quest to hump his sister. I had heard Angel Sanctuary was one of the big Shounen-Ai flicks, but really, there's very little guy on guy action. Sure, Setsuna and Sakuya are pretty close, but it's hard to love that relationship when Setsuna is quite obviously after his sister's knickers. Rosiel is another potential slash victim -since he's a touchy feely hippy that strokes everybody's face upon meeting them- but a) his a lunatic, and b) he looks like a woman. Somehow, the yaoi fan in me can't get into guy/guy relationships when they look like ladies. So with the slash possibilities out of the way, that leaves us with the plot... The crappy, horrendously paced, convoluted plot. First, they slam you with information. HELLO BIBLE CLASS, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. You know an anime's gonna be a stinker when it opens up with the History of the Earth 101: A Cracked Out Interpretation of Christianity. They could have, I don't know, "introduced the characters" first. That may have helped me stay conscious during the first episode. The second episode, thankfully, features fun times with Setsuna battling crazy monsters, more family lust, and glorious signs that the plot was going somewhere. I had a thin ray of hope until I realized there was only one more episode left. That's where it all went downhill. The minute he runs off with his sister, Setsuna loses his personality. I don't mean that his dormant Angel Soul woke up and took over- I just mean he becomes a cardboard cutout. I've heard of commitment crushing a man's will, but WOW, Setsuna became a hollow shell within HOURS. Luckily he's brought back to reality full force with Sara's inconclusive death. I mean, WHY? Sure, it was to advance the plot, make Setsuna go all crazy and try to destroy the world. But it got muddy and confusing at that point. He smashes Tokyo because he's sad, then brings it back because he gets Tentative Hope? Which is promptly followed by him DYING to go find Sara's soul? And then, THE END? WHAT. It's like all this was just a really long, weird commercial for the manga. Unfortunately, it doesn't make me want to read it at all. I already got to see Setsuna and Sara do the nasty, and if I have to look at Rosiel's long purple nails any more, I'm going to hurl. So, no, Angel Sanctuary, I don't like you or your boy love. Come back when you've shat out a bit of plot, and inserted a long, hard, dose of yaoi. See what I did there? Butt imagery. That's what this anime needs; less biblical bullshit, more bumlove. Know your audience (wants the money shot). Rates: 2/5 Tapes: Three Episode OAV.
	Angel's Egg:The world has become a desolate place. Though cities still stand, and water still flows, no vegetation grows. In this barren landscape, a young girl skulks in the shadows, compulsively collecting jugs of water. With her she carries a mysterious large egg. After an indeterminable time living in solitude, the young girl meets a man: he carries a cross with him, and follows her wordlessly for several days. Eventually, she grows accustomed to him, and they begin to talk. The man tells of his own pains through the story of Noah’s Arc: the world is wiped out by a flood, and only those few on the arc survive. Noah sends out a bird to check if the water has receded, but the bird never returns. The residents on the arc became tired of waiting, and forgot there was ever a bird. They forgot there was a city beneath the water, and lost all memory of who there were and from whence they came. While the young girl thinks she has come to understand her comrade, he breaks his promise to not harm the egg she carries. Preaching that one “must break an egg to see what’s inside”, he destroys it while the girl is asleep. Crushed by no longer being needed- having the one thing she cared about broken, the girl throws herself into the ocean, leaving the man to wander alone. Review: As more of an artistic piece than a stereotypical story, Angel’s Egg isn’t the type of film that can be easily summarized. Characters aren’t introduced; they simply exist. There is no back story, nor insight into the character’s motivation, leaving the tangible plot incredibly simplistic. Details are to be interpreted by the audience as they view the symbolic imagery. With limited animation and very scant dialogue, Angel’s Egg is an exploration of the animated medium. Though one could conceivably form a story by extrapolating what the director “could mean” in each scene, very little concrete plot exists. So why watch Angel’s Egg? It’s beautifully drawn. Featuring Yoshitaka Amano’s skills (also seen in Vampire Hunter D, and Final Fantasy), the style was wonderfully refreshing. The composition of EVERY shot was expertly laid out. It was like watching an educational video on how to make your scenes look good. While the animation was made up of mainly cycles and reuse, it was also well done (though very limited). However, while I do praise what Angel’s Egg was trying to do, it was simply too long. A film like this should be short and concise in order to keep the audience’s attention. The fact of the matter is, we’re not used to this sort of film. We need action and suspense and characters with which we can relate to stay interested. I tried to keep my interest by appreciating the art, but even the best painting becomes boring after a full two minutes straight of staring at it- particularly when you expect something to happen. Honestly, if Angel’s Egg didn’t have the eternal still-frame holds, I would have given it full marks. Unfortunately, while this odd-ball film tries to do something different, and succeeds in presenting a visually stimulating piece, I simply wouldn’t recommend it for the average viewer. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Angel's Feather: The Winfield Kingdom Chronicle tells of a lineage of royal men born with white wings on their backs. This trait, passed down from generation to generation, allows them to fight evil and protect their empires. Kai Misonou is the top student at Yuusei Academy; groomed from childhood to be a genius, also heads the Misonou Combine corporation. Though he’s exceptionally successful at a very young age he feels used and without real purpose. But his daily monotony is changed when Hamura Shou transfers to Yuusei. Shou is a brash kendo star, just re-entering the championships after the death of his adoptive parents. Quick to make friends, it’s not long before he meets face to face with Kai. Without preamble, he proclaims that Kai is his long-lost twin, who was separated from him during adoption. Disturbed, and plagued by half-memories, Kai refuses to believe this, and distances himself from the new student. Irritated, Shou goes about his own business- but it’s far from ordinary. There are evil forces at work within the school. While out with his friends, Shou and the others are caught in an earthquake and fall into a pit. There, a monster attacks them. With his life in danger, Shou is overcome and sprouts white wings, and manages to defeat the beast. After it’s all over, he wonders if it was a dream. It becomes clear that Shou’s experience was very real the following day, when the kendo club goes ghost hunting. Instead of finding spirits, they find that Naoto, Shou’s long-time friend, has been taken over. He grows black wings, and begins attacking Shou, saying it’s his fault that his body was transformed. Though Shou doesn’t want to fight his friend, he’s forced to in order to protect himself and the others; Naoto is no longer himself, having been possessed by (the assistant principal) Sakakibara Ran’s power and ordered to destroy Shou. The clash ends with a draw, and Naoto flees, swearing his revenge. Meanwhile, Kai meets with his lover, Nagi, to vent his frustrations over Shou butting into his life with wild accusations. With Naoto’s failure still fresh, the principal brings in Shou and his friends, as well as Kai; he tells them that Nagi has been kidnapped by spirits, and only they can save him. Kai agrees immediately, horrified at the thought of something happening to his only friend. The others agree to go along, as they suspect it’s a trap. Their suspicions turn out to be correct, as Nagi turns into a dark angel- however, his feelings for Kai are still strong, and he shields him while he duels with Shou. Though their powers are on par, Shou doesn’t want to fight, knowing that Nagi is so important to his brother. In the commotion, as Nagi attempts to land a final blow, Kai gets in the way. Nagi is forced to deflect the blow with his own body, and perishes. Overcome with grief, Kai’s power explodes from him, ripping apart the building and all in his way. Fighting through it, Shou approaches, and tries to reason with Kai. He promises to stay by him, and his heartfelt words eventually hit home. In the hospital, the group recovers, and those who still have memories of their past explain that the Winfield kingdom is a real place, to which they all once belonged. But the peace in that world has been shattered by the black-winged rebellion. With a responsibility to protect Winfield, Kai and Shou agree to return there, and take their rightful place in the king’s lineage. Review: What a shitty first day- molested by Ran, attacked by monsters, and… molested by monsters. Shou probably should have gone back to living on the streets with that pack of wild dogs. Generally, I’m not sure what to make of Angel’s Feather -it’s not BAD, per se- the animation is limited, and the introduction is mainly pans of pretty boys on glowing BGs covered in sparkles, but then… MONSTERS. The fight scenes are actually pretty good- the animation steps up, they’re nicely choreographed, but I just couldn’t get into them because the whole time I kept thinking Wait- WHAT? Wasn’t this a teen drama two seconds ago? The resemblance to Buffy the Vampire Slayer is uncanny. Except the transition from “hay, check out these normal yet troubled kids” to FIGHTING MONSTERS AND HEALING WITH MAGICAL FLUTES (not kidding, that happens) is a bumpy ride. A bumpy, confusing ride. I suspect that the fantastical bit wasn’t original enough to warrant it’s own series, so in a bid to make it ~spicy~ they stuck in inappropriate teacher/student touching, an all-male cast, monsters that lick their prey instead of killing them, Kai macking on his boyfriend, and COUNTLESS shower scenes. Essentially this is “magical girl saves the world”, but replace “girl” with “boy” and “world” with… School? There’s something of a lack of Big Picture Goals in this series. Maybe “defeat the school’s administration” is enough motivation for the average middle school viewer, but I kept wondering what the POINT was. Perhaps explaining more about their magical angel kingdom during the plot, rather than stuffing it into two sentences at the very end would have helped. With the complete lack of pacing and inconclusive ending, Angel’s Feather feels more like a snippet from a longer series, and you’re just thrown into the action. It makes the insanely dramatic death of characters and betrayal of friends have a little less impact- with only 90 minutes to develop two dozen characters, it’s a guarantee you won’t give a rats ass about any of them. As a last word, I just have to say- they should have played up the twincest more. There’s a blurry MAYBE flash-back, but other than that the only thing that makes this a yaoi title is Kai being incidentally gay, and I can get that on prime-time TV. Rates: 1.5/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Appleseed: The Third World War left the world in ruins. In an attempt to rebuild civilization, an organization called the General Management Control Office created the city "Olympus", a utopian society populated and staffed by bioroids, a type of cyborg. One of these bioroids is Hitomi, the predominant figure in transplanting humans into the city. However, some humans have difficulty adapting to the change. Being ripped from a survivor's world, and dropped into a life of luxury where nothing requires effort, caused some humans to go insane. This side effect of Olympus was overlooked due to the happy atmosphere that appeared to be the norm. Though the bioroids are unable to harm one another, humans and cyborgs are still able to cause mayhem. In order to protect its population, Olympus created a police force. Duenan Knute and her cybernetically enhanced partner Briareos Hecatonchires are key enforcers of the law and lead content lives of keeping the peace. But beneath the veneer of happiness lies social unrest. Within the department, Officer Calon betrays his colleagues by secretly joining forces with A.J. Sebastian, a known terrorist. Together they plan to shut down Olympus. While Sebastian's reasons remain unclear, Calon wishes for vengeance. In his eyes, Olympus destroyed his wife. She was one of the few who found the utopia to be more of a cage than a safe haven. She committed suicide, leaving an unanswered question on Calon's conscience: is an enclosed city made up of 80% bioroid a safe base, or a way to control the remaining humans? But even after hearing Calon's reasoning, Deunan and Briareos are appalled by the drastic measures he's willing to take to gain peace of mind. They attempt to reason with him, but he slips their grasp. Deunan leaps to action, discovering that the way Sebastian and Calon plan to shut down the city is by turning off Gaia, the mainframe by which Olympus is controlled. The key to turn off this system is Hitomi. Briareos and Deunan race to save their friend, but are stopped by Premiere Athena, who has caught wind that a member of the police force is a traitor. Suspecting Deunan and Briareos because of their recent rash actions, she detains the two. They insist that they know the true culprits, and are released. However, it is too late. Calon is gunned down, but not before Hitomi has been used to shut down Gaia, and the city is left completely undefended. The only piece of equipment still operational is the multi-leg cannon, which Sebastian has taken over. In a last ditch effort to save their beloved city, Deunan, Briareos and Athena race to Gaia to manually restore power. They manage to find the emergency power, and restore defenses just in the nick of time, stopping Sebastian and quelling the revolt once more. Review: Nothing is quite so flavorful as 80’s anime- the zany technology they imagined would be “the future”, the fashions that make us all look away in shame at what we once wore, and of course, the impossibly advanced robots that co-exist with typewriters and the Super Famicom. Let us all have a moment of silence for Appleseed’s terrible design. … Now, honestly- what IS Briareos? He’s a man-machine that enjoyed Bugs Bunny perhaps a little too much. A Cyclops rabbit cyborg. What on earth is happening with walking cannons, removable limbs, and robots that bleed? I have no idea, because frankly, I’m still trying to figure out what the main characters are named. They don’t exactly have monikers that roll off the tongue. In fact, I spent a good part of this anime trying to get the language set on Japanese… Until I realized that it already was, and they were just talking to one another. Deunan. Briareos. That isn’t ANY language. Luckily a good part of Appleseed is spent away from the two lead characters, and instead focuses on Calon, Sebastian, and their not so subtle relationship. Nothing quite says “they do it in the bum” like removable attachments. So, in the end, while you groove to the Appleseed hair rock, take a moment to reflect on Gaia, the computer that reminds us how life was before the microchip- before we realized that we wouldn’t have hover cars, or lasers, or robots, but we would have the one thing that really matters: reasonable pants. Rates: 3/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Appleseed 2004: In 2131, the world has succumb to the war between cyborgs and humans. Only one safe haven remains: Olympus, a city believed to be ruled under a perfect government. However, this utopia is still in need of defense against terrorist attacks; Hitomi, an engineered human or "bioroid", gathers the world's top soldiers to form an elite fighting force called ESWAT. Deunan Knute, a soldier who had been fighting until the last moments, is recovered from battle and brought to Olympus as one of these skilled officers. Her partner, Briareos Hecatonchires, a mercenary turned cyborg, is also recruited as part of the ESWAT team. Meanwhile Hades, a human soldier, oversees a new biosuit that will allow humans to overcome the bioroid's fighting capacity. The city itself is in turmoil over more than terrorist attacks: it is governed by Gaia, a computer monitored by several elders. Gaia is used to make what's believed to be unbiased decisions. However, its current stance is to eliminate the rash and emotional human race, leaving the city to the controlled bioroids. After a night of rest, Deunan is given a tour of Olympia by Hitomi, who explains that half the population is bioroid, as she herself is. They appear as humans, but have a different life cycle. They must go for life prolonging procedures to prevent unnaturally fast aging. In addition to an altered maturation process, the bioroids have no reproductive function, no desire, and therefore no hate. They aim to coexist with humans. However, many humans argue that the bioroids are trying to take supremacy. The council itself is divided, with a bioroid head of government, Premier Athena, and a human army run by General Uranus. While Deunan is being trained at the bioroid centre, it is attacked by human terrorists, permanently damaging the life prolonging facilities. Because she has yet to have treatment, and now there is no means, Hitomi collapses. Premiere Athena urges bioroids to remain calm and informs everybody that proper measures are being taken to restore the life facilities and make sure a similar attack never happens again. Athena sends ESWAT with a previously top secret diskette to the original bioroid development facility. Deunan, Briareos and their ESWAT team take the disk received from Athena to the old bioroid facility. There the disk creates a hologram of the last moments before the research was ended. Dr. Gillian, Deunan's mother, wished to delete all her research into bioroid reproduction to stop it from being used for ill. However, to let the knowledge live on, she kept the most important data, the Appleseed, in a pendant which she passed down to Deunan. The Olympus military arrive, lead by Redon and Hades, who betrayed their team due to hatred for the bioroid. Senator Edward Uranus also steps forward, telling Deunan that he knew both her mother and father, and that he wishes not to hurt her. He asks for the pendant to be handed over peacefully, so that he can destroy D-Tank, take out bioroids, and put humanity back in human hands. Deunan refuses, saying that she must protect the pendant and that bioroid are not deserving of annihilation. Briareos explains that the research was hidden not because the bioroid are dangerous, but because Dr. Gillian wanted them to evolve naturally, and not rapidly. They have always protected humans, and simply need to progress at a steady rate. This was his reasoning behind participating in the terrorist attack, and relentlessly protecting Deunan. Enraged, Hades opens fire on the two. Briareos leaps in front of Deunan, and both plummet into the sea. However, Deunan takes one shot: the blow that kills Hades. Deunan lets Briareos receive medical help and returns Appleseed to Athena. The cure is administered, and Hitomi is saved. But while by her side, Deunan confronts the elders, who apologize for having her mother killed, but explain that the entire destiny of the Appleseed has been set into motion. A virus held in D-Tank and controlled by the Gaia system, has the ability to make the entire human race sterile, giving the earth over to the now reproductively active bioroids. Athena intercedes, stopping the old men from releasing the virus, but the multi-leg cannons that will break through D-Tank's shields have already been deployed. Deunan and Briareos take off, stopping the tanks manually in a last ditch effort to save humanity. In the end, with the threats at bay, Deunan swears to continue fighting future threats to protect the children of humans a bioroids alike. Review: Appleseed 2004 can be summed up in one word: eye candy. It watches like a demo reel for cel shading- Photorealistic backgrounds, 360° city pans, and an appalling overuse of the "Matrix slow motion rotation". The characters often didn't match their environments. A clear anime style was retained for the humans, while the backgrounds and objects were rendered very realistically. The clash was most obvious when natural lighting (daytime light) was used. However, in low light the designs blended impressively. As much as one can be drawn in by the technical merit of Appleseed 2004, the anime fan in me wasn't impressed. It watches like an American film. The characters are bland and underdeveloped. The plot, straying rather far from the original, is unremarkable at best, and the dispersion of plot and action scenes was handled terribly. Hitomi is nothing more than a perky narrator, while Deunan serves solely as the stunt monkey, and has few lines that aren't grunting or moaning. This mechanical handling of the plot is one of the main reasons the characters are so impersonal. Where are the obligatory anime bar scenes? The personal moments of teasing and sexual tension? And the masked girl on girl undertones? All lost to Americanization and modernization, I'm afraid. For those of you who loved the original Appleseed for the quirky 80's feel and character-centric plot, get ready to be sorely disappointed. The storyline now revolves around government conspiracy and terrorists. Lovely to be topical, isn't it? And just as in reality, nobody knows WHY these militant groups are attacking. The 2004 version chooses to omit the entire subplot describing why humans cannot survive in a utopian society, instead delving into the zany adventures of a supercomputer gone awry. Well, I'm no focus group, but I'd rather see the original Hitomi drunk off her ass passed out on Deunan instead of old men hovering around, waxing philosophical on the nature of being human. Rates: 2/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Araiso Private High School Student Council Executive Committee: Araiso Private High was an all-boys academy until recently, when it became co-ed. Shortly after the change gangs of boys formed around the school, taking advantage of freshmen and bullying them. One of the most notorious gangs is Ootsuka's group. Luckily best friends Kubota Makoto and Tokitoh Minoru are the heavy hands of the student council law and break up violence, even if they have to be a little rough themselves. However, Ootsuka's gang doesn't take too kindly to Kubota and Tokitoh's meddling, and during a school-wide sports tournament, they purposefully injure students in order to draw the two student council boys out. What Ootsuka didn't count on was squaring off against the "perfect pair"; Kubota and Tokitoh easily beat the bullies at their own underhanded game, and peace is restored to the school. The second episode is an old fashioned ghost story; while cleaning up the art room, one of the student council members, Fujiwara, accidentally removes a protective charm. Rumors about ghostly encounters proceed to flood the school. The student council is sent to investigate. At first, all they find are other students (couples trying to find a place to make out, deviants stealing tests, etc). But just when they thought they've solved the mystery, real phantoms start to appear. They find that the school was built on an old war-ground, and the site was not properly blessed before construction. In a flurry of spiritual activity, Fujiwara becomes possessed and starts attacking Tokitoh with super-human strength. Though it seems impossible to fight against ghosts, they manage to lure out the main spirit, and defeat it with its own weapon. Review: So what makes this anime shounen-ai? Innuendo. If you're after some conclusive man on man action, you've come to the wrong place. Araiso is more of a flippant school drama than anything else; it has sports, angry women, and a good old fashioned "maybe they are, maybe they aren't" protagonist duo. Most of the boy love is done in a joking way, with Kubota and Tokitoh making passes at each other, or saying things full of ~deep meaning~. Apart from a couple of boys snogging by night in the school during the ghost-hunting episode, the only obviously gay character is Fujiwara, who falls all over himself with over-exuberant man-lust whenever Kubota walks into the room. Too bad he's the most weinerly, irritating character ever penned. When he's not yelling Kubota's name like an Nsync fan circa 1990, he's complaining about how he's being left out. Oh, here's a thought, maybe it's because you're a neurotic fruitcake who pisses everybody off with your mere presence. As an anime in and of itself, Araiso is bland. Everything it does has been done before, and better. The designs are rough, and often a bit wonky with drooping eyes and questionable design. The animation is much the same, mixing still-frames with limited movement only when absolutely necessary. The deal breaker is the humor- they try so hard it's a bit embarrassing to watch. They rely heavily on physical hilarity, which just ends up being stupid. There, I said it. There's really no reason to watch this- unless you have a compulsive need to watch every anime that has been labeled "shounen-ai", and in that case, I feel your pain. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: Two Episode OAV.
	Arashi No Yoru Ni: Mei, a young goat, is forced to take shelter in an abandoned barn during a thunderstorm. Alone and frightened, he's quite relieved when he hears somebody else enter. It's so dark he cannot see his companion, but the two start talking and become fast friends. They agree to meet the following day. To Mei's horror, the traveler to whom he related so well turns out to be a wolf named Gabu. Gabu is likewise surprised to have planned a “lunch with his lunch”, as he says, but fights his instincts, and the two grow closer. However, their secret friendship is cut short as winter approaches and both the wolves and goats prepare for the desperate times ahead; Gabu's pack plans numerous hunts to fatten up, and Mei's family become more caution, traveling only in the safety of groups. This new regiment leads both sides to notice their respective friends' frequent absences, and Mei and Gabu are called out for it after they're spotted together. Gabu is spared death on the provision that he uses Mei to garner information on the Goat's habits, while Mei is similarly coaxed into plying Gabu about where wolves never go, and goats would be safe. But when the two finally meet face to face, they're quick to be honest and admit they've been told to spy. Rather than betray each other, they escape into the mountains together. Though the path is harsh and blizzards threaten to kill both the wolf and the goat, their tenacity and hope see them through to the other side, where they're met by spanning green valleys, and new beginnings. Review: This is the kind of movie I loved as a kid- something dark and real to counteract the sugary slop that Disney was shoving down our throats. What's great about this fable is the real conflict; it's isn't some trivial spat -it's animals fighting their very nature- something that can't be solved with a song and dance about Tolerance and Diversity. And yet, even with all the cutesy designs and slapstick humor, Arashi no Yoru Ni carries a heavy message about standing by the people you trust, regardless of their appearance. I salute a movie that can do this, for kids, without making it ridiculously cheesy. In addition to a fresh take on this age old moral, Arashi no Yoru Ni boasts unique design and style. It combines computer graphics and traditional animation to give texture and pattern to the characters. The backgrounds are mainly hand painted, beautiful sprawling forest scenes, which in themselves make the film worth watching. With great characters, stunning visuals, and a story that appeals to both young and old, I can't give this film high enough accolades. Even without childhood nostalgia to make it grow on you, Arashi no Yoru Ni is sure to find a place in your classic collection. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Armitage III, Poly-Matrix: Six years after the first film takes place, Ross Sylibus has settled down and has begun to raise his daughter with his wife, Naomi Armitage. Though Naomi is a cyborg, she was able to conceive, and because of this gift, is now pursued by Demitrio, who wants the technology for his illegal clones of her format called "Third Types". Though Armitage is the original Third Type, she fights against their further creation and for robots’ personal rights. Ross is also for robot-freedom, and because he hold power with the Mars Council, his daughter is kidnapped by Demitrio as a bargain for his vote for mind-controlling cyborgs, and also to draw out Naomi so he can steal her reproductive programming. Naomi takes on Demitrio alone, but only succeeds in both saving her daughter and restoring peace when she asks for Ross’ help and calls in favours from old friends. Review: Why on earth was this animated? It would have been cheaper and faster to do the same thing with actors. That, and the 3D inserts looked so pasted in I was having traumatic flashbacks from Tron. Though the music was good, they didn't play up on it enough, instead finding the need to have the loudest foli ever invented by man. Nobody's footsteps resonate like that. Ever. But, to it's merit, Armitage managed to include one boob-groping scene, and a man getting horribly kicked in the 'nads. There were some positive heartfelt moments, but they were lost in a sea of pointless political babble that had little to do with the plot in this particular instalment. In short, I recommend Armitage III for those suffering from insomnia. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Assemble Insert: After repeated attacks from the crime syndicate Demon Seed, causing billions of yen in damage, the men at Tokyo Special Forces decide it's time to take matters into their own hands. The public is irate over the amount of money the army spends constantly rebuilding the city, so Police Chief Hattori concocts a brilliant plan: get a lovable idol to fight Demon Seed, so the inevitable damages will be overshadowed by teen cuteness. As lecherous and insane as the plan sounds, hundreds of young girls audition, but none are super-heroine material. Luckily, a late arrival, Maron Namikaze, wows the Special Forces team with her adorable innocence, as well as her inhuman strength. Though she's unaware of how impressive her power is, Maron agrees to join the team. With the help of a cybernetic suit, designed by Some Random Doctor (actual name), Maron is able to fight wave after wave of mechs sent by Demon Seed, and charm the public into ignoring the destruction left in her wake. But the Special Forces success is short lived, as the attacks from Demon Seed suddenly stop. After being defeated by Maron, Dr. Demon is left broke, mech-less, and whiles his days away in his moldering mansion, chastising his minions. Without attacks to counter, the donations to Chief Hattori's team dry up, and Maron is forced to make money for them by entering the national idol championship. Enraged by his power suit being wasted on the frivolous media and fickle fans, Some Doctor builds new, better mechs for Dr. Demon and delivers them anonymously, all in a bid to test Maron's armor. Though she's forced to throw away her shot at being top idol, Maron rushes back to save the city, realizing that despite her meek demeanor, her calling is in keeping others safe. Review: I'm all about anime parodies within an anime, so I expected great things from this campy-looking OAV. But Assemble Insert is only a parody with a far stretch of the imagination; it's more like a collection of the most retarded ideas ever featured in Shoujo or Mech anime, all thrown together into three episodes that are literally PAINFUL to watch. First, the design is just plain BAD. I know this thing is old, but there are plenty of old anime that still have sweet character ideas- Maron was shitty back then, she's still a steaming pile now, and will only grow more rank with time. Every character is sketchy and unfinished looking (which many people have claimed is a "style", but I counter-claim is "lazy"), badly designed (the lack of noses/features and use of ugly characters goes beyond "poking fun" and into LACK OF TALENT), the color is just atrocious (was the budget so low that they were missing some primary colors??), and everybody moves like they should be the "before" guy in a back pain commercial. A lot of reviewers gave default points because they "didn't get" a lot of the jokes, because they were meant for otaku. Well, I got them, and kids, you didn't miss anything. Assemble Insert isn't funny. Oooh, Maron forgot her catch phrase, what a riot to break the fourth wall~ except, they DIDN'T, she purposefully trains to be a super hero, and she's a retard. DO THE MATH. I just found the whole thing really predictable, right down to the live-action inserts of "zany Japanese ads" for power drinks. Assemble Insert went wrong in so many ways, but I think the main downfall was the lack of personality. My bath mat has more personality than Maron (and, oddly enough, a better costume), I've seen extras with more panache than Chief Constipated Expression, and everybody else is a forgettable mass of bad facial hair. In the end, this is a go-nowhere little time waster that you may want to give a chance just for the hell of it, but if you're after a parody that will actually incite a few genuine laughs, rent Otaku no Video instead. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	A Wind Named Amnesia: A wind swept the Earth, erasing the memory of every human on the planet. As people resort to their primal instincts, mass chaos ensues. However, a young boy with an experimental computer implanted in his brain escaped the amnesia. When Wataru stumbles upon him, the boy, Johnny, uses the same technology to restore some of Wataru's faculties. He also teaches Wataru how to survive in the new savage world. They become quick friends, but unfortunately Johnny is weak, and eventually passes on, leaving Wataru to wander the remains of the Earth. Soon he meets Sophia, a mysterious woman who retains her memories, and knows much of what happened to the world. As they travel through the ruins of civilization, Wataru and Sophia meet a pack of savages that have formed the notion of God; their God is a machine to which they sacrifice women. Wataru tries to save one woman, but she chooses to go on with what her culture dictates is right. Wataru must come to grips with the fact he will travel alone for the most part, and he can cause very little change. Some ways through their journey, Wataru and Sophia notice they are followed by an automated war machine left from the post-apocalyptic military. They eventually defeat it, with the help of Sophia's power. She reveals that she is part of an alien race, which experimented with the amnesia producing wind to see if the human race was fit for space travel. Wataru thinks that humankind failed the test, but Sophia assures him that nothing can be entirely certain. Review: Boring, bad design, forgettable music, and enough philosophy to keep the audience thinking for hours after the anime- that is, if they can stay awake long enough to absorb the meaningful discoveries Wataru makes between long bouts of nothing happening at all. This anime was a huge snore. The only shining virtue is the slashy-ness between Wataru and Johnny. I mean, the guy has sex with Sophia as his last shining moment, and right after, what does he think about? No, not the boobs he got to grope. He thinks of Johnny. I was amused, but not amused enough to give this a good rating. If you want to delve deeply into man's psyche, watch Evangelion, and leave A Wind Named Amnesia to gather the dust it so rightly deserves. Rates: 1/5 Tapes: One Movie.
B
	Ballad of a Shinigami, momo: the god girl of death:Momo is a goddess of death, a young girl who is sent to Earth to reclaim souls with the help of her embittered familiar, a cat named Daniel. Although Momo is quite serious about her job, she deviates from the stereotype of a reaper by helping the souls she's sent for make their peace. Episode One: Kota Seto has alienated himself from his male friends by being constantly at the side of Mai Makihara. Due to her constant asthma attacks,Kota feels responsible. One day while walking home from school, they find an abandoned kitten, and decide to become its surrogate parents. Despite being unable to keep the cat, dubbed "Blue" by Mai, at either of their houses, they find a home for him at a nearby shrine. Meanwhile, Kota starts to rekindle the friendship with his past friends, which causes him to miss a date with Mai and Blue. While left alone, Mai succumbs to a terrible asthma attack and dies, leaving Kota to come to grips with his guilt, and the new responsibility of raising Blue by himself. Episode Two: Momo appears before Mitsuki Asano, and tells him that he is going to die soon. With the sudden realization of his own mortality, he starts to rethink the way he's been wasting his life since the death of his older sister. With Momo's words, and the friendship of classmate Yutaka Fujishima, Asano realizes Momo didn't tell him WHEN he was going to die, leaving it as an unknown potential in his life- just like everybody else. Episode Three: While cleaning out the room of his recently deceased grandfather, Kantaro finds a message. Because the two loved to play video games together, Kantaro's grandfather drew him a map, meant to be found postmortem. Wanting to live in their secret world once more, Kantaro embarks on a journey to his grandfather's childhood town. But just before boarding the train, he is confronted by his friend Tomato, who scolds him for neglecting schoolwork- however, it doesn't take much to convince her to accompany him, and the two grow much closer as they puzzle out grandpa's final message, together. Episode Four: Chiaki Kazama mother recently died, leaving her to take care of the family- her father and younger brother, Fuyuki. Although Chiaki repeatedly insists she's fine with the added work and responsibility, when her father leaves on a prolonged business trip and she finds herself falling short of what her mother used to do, Chiaki starts to break down. The following day she falls ill with a terrible fever, through which Momo appears to her and lets her know that there's no rush to grow up. Episode Five: Right before Eko Miyazaki's sister died, Eko told her she hated her. Their final exchange has haunted her for so long, that when she overhears rumors of a ghost being seen in her sisters' old classroom, Eko rushes to investigate, as well as keep everybody else away. While searching for her sister at night, she enlists the help of Kota Seto [episode one], who had gained the ability to see spirits after being touched by Momo. Although Kota's power reveals nothing, Eko sees a vision of her sister, and is able to finally apologize and be at peace. Episode Six: Sakura Kosakai wakes up one day to find that her soul has left her body. Momo appears to her and reminds her that she jumped off a bridge because of a broken heart. Horrified by her own death, Sakura visits her family's house and the homes of her friends, only to find that their lives are going on perfectly without her. She realizes that she made only a small impact on people's lives- but all the same, wants to live on for the little things. Momo tells her she should, and reveals that Sakura has simply been in a coma, which left her soul to wander. Finally comfortable with herself and her place in the world, Sakura awakens, alive, and happy to be so. Review: Ballad of a Shinigami is an interesting, if not morbid, look into the way death affects various lives- whether it be the knowledge of their own death, or the passing of a loved one. The individual stories are fantastic- very well thought out characters with believable personalities, living ordinary lives that are easy to relate with, but avoid being banal. Strangely enough it's the protagonist, the shinigami herself, that made me question this anime. She seems so tacked on, her personality so vapid, and her familiar, the wise cracking cat, is irritating enough to be right out of a straight-to-DVD Disney flick. I realize Momo is the catalyst to this series, but she's barely focused on, and feels like a quirky afterthought that doesn't fit. Luckily, due to her being such a small player throughout the episodes, it's easy to simply forgive and forget, and enjoy Ballad of a Shinigami for its merits. The animation is sound, the design is good, and as I've said, the plot is something that is both easily watchable and thoughtfully philosophical. A solid, middle-of-the-road series, I would recommend this for anybody who isn't ready to start a large series, but is sick of fever-paced one shots. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Battle Angel Alita: The world of Gunnm is divided: the higher class live in Zalem, a city suspended in the sky above a heap of refuse where the lower class are stranded. This pile of debris has been sculpted into slums, appropriately named Scrap Iron City. Doctor Ido is one of the inhabitants of Scrap Iron City. He was once an inhabitant of Zalem, as a tattoo on his forehead indicates, but he chooses to live among the poor and robots of the lower class. While digging through a fresh dump of Zalem’s garbage, he finds a female android whom he rebuilds and names “Gally”. Galley comes out of torpor with no memory of her prior life, but is eternally thankful to Dr. Ido for her new body, and leads a joyful existence helping out at his hospital for androids. During an operation to rebuild a fellow robot, Gally discovers that spines and other cyborg parts are highly prized on the black market. Dr. Ido warns her to be careful. But one night Gally notices that Dr. Ido does not practice what he preaches; he sneaks out every night, and returns the following morning with minor injuries. Though Gally is worried, she goes about her life, and is distracted by a crush she develops on Yugo, a young helper of Dr. Ido’s. They explore the city together, and Yugo shares his dream with Gally: he wishes to go to Zalem and is working to gain enough money to travel there. Meanwhile, Dr. Ido meets with yet another who dreams of Zalem: his ex-colleague, Chiren. She hates Scrap Iron City, and wants nothing more than to return to the life she lead in Zalem. The next time Dr. Ido ventures out at night, Gally follows and discovers that he is a hunter, a class of citizens that stops brain-eating robots and those who have a price on their heads for illegal activity. When the fight turns on Dr. Ido, and he is in danger of being killed, Gally leaps forward, and discovers that she can fight. She easily destroys the criminal androids, and follows Dr. Ido to turn in their heads for the reward money. From that moment on, Gally decides to be a hunter herself, and despite Dr. Ido’s initial disagreement, she fights well and enjoys her work. However, beyond the scope of Scrap Iron City’s black market and small band of vigilantes is a more corporate criminal: a facility called The Factory claims that for enough money, one can travel to Zalem. Many are coerced into becoming embroiled in The Factory’s illegal activities to achieve their hopes of a life of splendour. Chiren is caught by the delusion, and she attempts to sleep her way to the top. Yugo is also involved with The Factory, and spends every night on the street posing as a merchant that oils androids, but once they’re lured into a back alley, his true intention is revealed: Yugo is a spine thief. But one night, when Yugo is about to steal a spine, the cyborg turns on him, injuring Yugo and killing his partner. Yugo manages to escape, but the cyborg saw his face, and puts a ransom on Yugo’s head. Gally hears of this, and confronts Yugo, aghast that he could do such a thing. She confesses her love, saying that though she’s horrified by what he’s done, nothing can change her feelings, and they must flee the city so Yugo will not be hunted as a wanted man. Yugo refuses, insisting that he’s close to having enough money to travel to Zalem, and his connections at The Factory will get him there. Gally is sceptical, and won’t let him leave, so Yugo explains why the dream is so important to him. He reminisces that he was raised by his brother and sister-in-law. His brother wanted to go to Zalem, and constructed an illegal air balloon to get there. Unfortunately, before he could take off, the bounty hunters come and kill Yugo’s brother. In the end, Yugo’s sister-in-law sold her husband out. Gally says she knows how the woman must have felt, not understanding the obsession of the man she loves. Suddenly, the cyborg from the previous night returns to try and kill Yugo. He is stabbed, and Gally quickly dispatches the cyborg. She cradles Yugo’s dying body, crying his name. Chiren, who has listened to Yugo and Gally’s touching moment approaches, and helps connect Gally’s life support system to Yugo’s head to keep him alive. Gally brings Yugo to Dr. Ido, who gives him a new body. Meanwhile, Dr. Ido discovers that Chiren has gone missing, and searches for her at The Factory. He finds that she had lost her usefulness to the company, and was harvested for organs. Despite coming so close to death, Yugo is still crazed with his obsession to reach Zalem, and begins to climb the shafts that connect it to the ground. He is badly cut up by the razors that rotate these shafts, and Gally chases after him, begging him to stop for her sake. Yugo agrees, but he is hit by a final razor that completely destroys his cybernetic body. He falls hundreds of feet to the ground. His last words are that he was glad to meet Gally. In the dump directly under Zalem, Gally and Dr. Ido send up a tiny balloon containing what is left of Yugo and Chiren, letting them in death have their dream to reach the city above. Review: This is one of the first anime I watched, and to this day it impresses me. Despite being a low-budget production, Gunnm pulls off flawless animation and breathtaking design. Though many stills are used, the art is captivating enough that one is hard pressed to complain. The story moves steadily, boasting a perfect mix of action and plot. There’s a little something for everybody in Gunnm; whether you’re looking for gruesome fight scenes and pretty girls that can defy gravity with their robo-karate, an intricate and gritty love plot like that shared by Gally and Yugo or Chiren and Ido, or if you simply want a bleak outlook on the future to further depress you after watching Wolf Brigade, Gunnm won’t fail to deliver. Accompanied by a wonderful music score, and brilliant voice acting, the only complaint I’ll even bother to acknowledge is that Makakau was ugly enough to make a person’s eyes water. And if he tore apart my dog and kept calling me “baby”, I’d probably kick his ass too. Rates: 4/5 Tapes: One Movie.
	Beat Angel Escalayer: Since childhood, Kohei has harbored a crush on his best friend, Sayuka. However, several years ago she moved away, and on the day of her departure, Kohei wrote a note full of his feelings and sadness at their parting. But he lost his nerve, and never gave her the letter. A few years later, Kohei is a typical teenage boy with a not-so-typical sex life; he has his pick between coed students and teachers alike. One day, while pleasuring one of his sexier professors on the school’s roof, he sees a magical girl fly past. After glancing at her face, all he can think of is his old friend, Sayuka. Overcome with the notion of seeing her again, but unable to speak to her in person, Kohei follows Sayuka home and peeps in her windows. What he sees surprises and thrills him: Sayuka lives with a younger girl named Madok