Gongaga Yaoi: Diary [2006]

July 17th: So, on the spur of the moment, I went home to Sudbury for the weekend. I left at noon on Friday, after going over-quota to make up for Monday.
I had a great time, just relaxing. I saw Heather as well- we played SNES, walked around our old haunts, and I jumped in the lake (it was a hell of a lot warmer than Lake Ontario).
The weather was super warm- but also brought these awesome night-time thunder storms. I think it was Saturday night, that the lightning was so frequent and bright, it looked like day.
And today, as I arrived home, I got a call from my mum. Apparently my bus had JUST outrun a huge storm that had Sudbury and the surrounding areas under tornado warning. Nothing touched down, but they lost power for a good four hours.
Exciting times! Toronto got a bit of that storm, but, miraculously, I slept through it.

July 18th: So, first day back, and the SGS party. Down at the Drake all the Comedy Network people, as well as the Smilies, gathered and celebrated the launch. It was pretty much like last time- a lot of professional schmoozers, drink tickets only good for beer, and no access to the sky lounge after 10pm.
Oh, and Iceman. There was the dude that played him, as noisily and fangirlishly was pointed out to me by Jaime, who concocted several schemes to hump him.
But no crazy antics came to be, and I left as soon as they stopped playing OJJ on the big screen.
Clearly I fail to be inspired in the realm of fancy dress parties and celebrities.

July 21st: What a weird day- I woke up, and was completely overcome by fainting spells. I couldn’t actually get to work until about 11:30. I dragged myself in, and only did half quota. I was just so out of sorts, the RSI in my left wrist acted up, I was woozy all day, and extremely nauseous.
Dorian and Jaime blamed it on the weather- I have no idea.
Later in the day I started feeling better, and Judy and I went to the ROM- it was absurdly busy and loud. I suspect people went there since it was free, and air conditioned.
Afterwards we had a long walk around UofT, and discussed Harry Potter for a good few hours.
Then ice cream (well flavored ice for me), and now I’ve returned home, feeling immensely better. I wonder wtf.
Tomorrow, I paint murals at the Rehab Center. <3

July 22nd: “Don’t pick fights with the clients, and don’t take your clothes off.” – Becky’s debriefing for me before heading out (I like that she thinks these are the two things I was most likely to do LoL).
After getting lost on the many off ramps to Toronto, Becky finally came to pick me up at 1:30. We promptly spent half her work day driving around, first to eat, then to get paint.
She works in New Market, which is a good hour drive away from downtown; we ended up buying paint at Zellers, since we were running out of time. It was this washable stuff- which I ended up mixing with latex primer to make it opaque. But at least it ended up working out in the end.
The rehab centre ended up being a really nice old house. I had been expecting some sort of sanitarium, but it was actually a beautiful area surrounded with farms and trees.
Becky and I painted, and despite having to wing the design, it turned out really well.
Although the client (whose room we did the mural in) wouldn’t answer if he liked it or not, he was insistent that no other patients touched the wall. I gather that’s a job well done.
In the end, Becky couldn’t drive me back because she had to sign out at 8, and driving me there, and then driving back, would have taken too much time. So I took the GO back- it was a coach bus, which was nice- except that it was madly air conditioned, and I ended up freezing for most of the journey.
Upon arriving back downtown, there was a HUGE scrum at Union station. Apparently some sort of local sporting event had the families out in droves. I finally got back home at 8:30, and promptly picked up Jaime for some ninjaing in the night.
I’m now the proud owner of a huge fake tree- while Jaime got coat hangers (right in front of the Madison, of all things). We were laughed at by several passers by for our odd assortment of garbage.

July 24th: Being completely walked out from a weekend of three hour+ sojourns, Jaime and I watched the Harry Potter movies again, thoroughly raping them as we went. For your enjoyment, Mystery Science Theater 2006:

Snape in the Hallway

Jaime

Harry sees Sirius in the crystal ball:

Jaime

In the Shrieking Shack with Snape:

Jaime

Arthur takes Harry aside in the Leaky Cauldron:

Jaime

Lupin’s Lessons:

Jaime

Lupin on Train:

Jaime

Ron + Rat Strangling:

Jaime

The Knight Bus Scene with Sirius:

Jaime

Dumbledore’s "turn on the light" Speech:

Jaime

Hagrid Before Buckbeak’s Execution: “Look how he loves the smell of the trees as the wind blows through them.”:

Jaime

Sirius in the Shrieking Shack: “I did my waiting! TWELVE YEARS OF IT!” :

Jaime

July 28th: Went to the doctor's, then to Dorian's for anime night. In addition to swooning over Itatchi's fabulous hair, we successfully invented what may very well be the BEST sandwich evar: tilapia and avocados on onion and poppy seed baguette.
My need to open up a sandwich shop, called "Veege Sandwich", continues to increase.

July 29th: Augh. DAY, why do you do this to me.
I got to work, discovered my 'net didn't work, so spent the entire morning disrupted and cursing technology. I got zero work done, and went out for lunch to clear my head.
Upon return I was corralled into an impromptu phone interview. I don't know how my dad does it. I was so god damn nervous, and probably sounded like a complete jackass.
At least it's topical.
If they had given me a couple hours of notice, I could have called my dad and asked how he prepares himself mentally for interviews. Not that what I did is in any way comparable to "tell us about the mysteries of the brain".
I can sort of sympathize, though- the whole knowledge barrier was really disconcerting, especially considering the amount of technical jargon I was using.
So now I'm totally distracted, and instead of doing the work I haven't touched, I'm writing a blog entry. At least I wasn't a verbal cock about it.

August 1st: Heat Wave… FShhhhh. Spent day melting. Too hot to type full sentences. Nightfall does nothing. Time is short!
Apparently this is the hottest night on record for the city.
I’m not surprised.
Walking outside was like entering a smelly, moist drier. Birds combust mid air, the sun setting had no cooling effect whatsoever, and there was no breeze: all stagnant air, all the time.

August 2nd: Entering the second day of unlivable temperatures, and after a ‘phone call from my mum and dad kindly reminding me to not overexert myself in the heat, I escaped to the island.
Jaime and I (apparently the only two slackers in town who could run off on a dime) took a ferry to Centre Island.
The moment we got near the water, the heat became bearable. Apparently the Island temperature was a good 10 degrees lower than the city core. It certainly felt more livable.
Having provisioned at Honest Ed’s (for towels and munchies), Jaime and I swam in the lake, observed the legions of schooners (it was the perfect day for sailing), and rounded out the evening kung-fu-ing in a field, getting eaten by ants, and climbing trees.
On the ferry back, we had the extremely pleasant experience of being serenaded by a barber shop quartet that sung the entire way back to the docks.
All-around, it was very relaxing.
Of course, coming back into the city was harrowing, particularly when the Union Station loop tram driver sped off just as I was AT THE DOOR OF THE CAR. Wtf.
He clearly saw me. He was just a cockmaster.
I need to somehow fashion a system where I can transport to and from the island directly at my door.

August 8th: With a massive lack of work and no pressing matters to attend to, I had the most relaxing long weekend ever.
Jaime and I spent it relentlessly watching movies; we embarked on Ring Cycle (the Ringu TV series) and Weiss Kreuz (you can read that rant on the review page).
Ring Cycle… Where should I start?
First of all, technical issues: the disks were fucked. We had to restart it several times, which upped both the tension and irritation.
The series itself was pretty far from the original story line. Firstly, Asakawa is a single father- acted by a man whose face was made of putty. His defining characteristics included crazy expressions, and eating like Ron Weasley.
Ryuji was played by a rock star with fabulous hair. His role in the series is still a mystery. By some writer’s colossal aneurism, he’s now Sadako’s son- which a) makes no sense, and b) was retarded. He lead Asakawa on to learn about Sadako for apparently no reason at all.
And the pinnacle of scary in the Ringu series… The video? In this series, it was a music video… Granted, the hidden images on it were pretty fucking scary, but wtf. That’s like watching the Hit Me Baby one More Time video and being told you’ll die in 13 days.
That’s right, from 7 to 13. A little more time to draw out the insubstantial plot. The pain was palpable.
In fact, due to disk errors and the utter stupidity, we didn’t watch the last episode. I’m sure it was amazing, but nothing, no amount of scary shit or awesomeness could make up for the first 12.

August 13th: So it’s been ages since I’ve written, by and large because I’ve been running around like crazy. This week was madness- despite lack of work in volume, everything that came through was high priority, so I rocked it for the first half the day, and then ran off in the evenings.
Tuesday, it was to play doctor, for an entire sleepless night. Which made Wednesday particularly hard. Despite being beat, I went to Judy’s housewarming party. Her new place is really nice; right downtown, off of Queen, but somehow still in a nice little neighborhood.
With Thursday came a flood of work, and Friday, finally, some relaxation. Jaime and I headed to Dorian’s to hang with him and Lynne. We ate, talked, and played some mandatory Guitar Hero and karaoke. Once again, I rocked the Whitney Huston.
Saturday Jaime and I went out for brunch at Fran’s, and then went treasure hunting at a garage sale. We found the weirdest, and coolest things. Fifty year old slides from biology, neuroscience, and entomology. Needless to say, I bought all the ones with crazy looking bugs. I’ll be mounting them on my wall the minute I find a good way to display them.
Today, ahhh- mainly sitting around and watching movies. Sunday’s always the day for drawing out the weekend as much as humanly possible. It’s starting to get cooler out; soon we’ll be entrenched in snow.

August 19th: Yoga- today I experienced five minutes of it. On Lynne’s insistence, I accompanied her to her class at Downward Dog. Firstly, shoes off in the front hall was a must, so I’m convinced I’ll get some sort of horrible foot disease again.
The entire place was super hot, and smelled of a strange mixture of patchouli, hippies, and BO. I quite nearly asphyxiated.
Though, on the bright side, I did look quite hot in the yoga pants, if I do say so myself.
I didn’t actually end up staying for the class, mainly because Lynne’s boy-o wasn’t there, and I had permission to take off and avoid the horrible embarrassment that would have been me attempting to take yoga seriously.
I may be flexible, but I’m full of anger and bitterness. The good vibe would have soon been Veeged.

August 20th: Yesterday Jaime and I walked for literally six hours. We went from Dufferin and St. Claire to Bathurst and back, then down to Lansdowne and Bloor, where we perused the thrift merchandise late into the night.
The horrifying things in those racks need not be repeated (besides, anybody who’s been in a Salvation Army knows), but there were quite a few hilarious antics that ensued.
We’re slowly but surely collecting Hogwarts Uniforms, which will be our cosplay at the next con. Odd Job Jack has a booth too, for those who are interested, so come see me in a schoolgirl uniform (oh, and Jaime too, if that’s what floats your boat ;).
Today, we were both seriously sore from walking so much, so as relaxation, we cleaned my balcony. Okay, so that doesn’t sound as relaxing as, say, staying in and watching movies, but it really made it nice out there.
We can actually sit outside and enjoy the last days of summer free of pigeon droppings.

August 24th: Today was crazy hectic. Didn’t get much done at work, but got quite a bit accomplished (and decomplished) at home. As for the accomplishments, I made dinner, worked out, showered, and cleaned the entire place.
The decomplishments (yes, it deserves its own fabricated word) included attempting to fix my slow-draining bathroom sink, and DESTROYING it.
First, it stopped draining all together. Then sand started coming up, then black gunk, then it drained for a while before becoming completely clogged and flooding the bath as well.
After plunging the bath, a huge Sadako-esque gob of hair came out, and that small problem was fixed- the tub works like new.
But the sink was still plugged.
That and vicious plungering had covered the entire bathroom in black gunk and water. By the time I finished cleaning, I had to practically run to get to the Tranzac for Luke’s show, which started at 10.
I arrived just in time to schmooze a bit before reclining for a night of awesome music (seriously, check out the site. This pimpage is worth it).
Despite the small venue, it turned out to be a really great night. Just around the corner from my place, so I could get home quickly, I stayed late shooting the shit with the Smiley Guys. It was a good crowd of the regulars- it’s been a while since we’ve gotten together, so I had a blast.

August 25th: The cold weather has rolled in, and with it complete lethargy. Of course, that may have to do with how little sleep I got last night.
After a grueling day at work, and quota being raised, Jaime and I went to the Victory Café.
I’d read great reviews, and walk past it daily, but I had never eaten there before. It was the promise of “French Canadian Tortiere” that brought me in.
Granted, it wasn’t like the home-cooked thing, but it was pretty close. I’d never seen it baked with button mushrooms before, though- I can’t say I would eat it again. I miss home cooking. ;)
Tonight, I shall relax. This week burned me. I blame the ever-changing Toronto weather.

September 1st: COMICON, day 1.
I left work early, not to get ready for the con, but to SLEEP. I’ve been so tired all day that I just needed to pass out.
After work, Jaime dropped by and we dressed up (as Lily Evans and James Potter). We’d put together the costumes pretty fast, but despite that, they turned out really well. Several people recognized us- though not our specific characters.
We got to the con, and after a quick perusal of the schedule, found nothing of interest to be going on. It seemed to be all autograph sessions, which I have no interest in. Just to be fair, there were also a few educational panels (like how to break into comics), and a spattering of movie showings, but they were noting compared to the plethora of interesting side-shows at Anime North.
So, snubbing all the sub-par "arranged" events, we ended up going to the dealer’s room, which was HUGE, and obviously the focus of the con.
When all is said and done, this was obviously an expo, meant for selling, rather than a conglomeration of fans. It was a lot less friendly, and a lot more frenzied. People didn't seem to stop and chat about their favourite show, and there was outright hostility between some of the fandoms (for example, one of the vendors crying out that "comics are dead" every time an anime cosplayer walked by).
The line between the different venues was obviously drawn by how much sex the people had; the anime clique was entirely made up of young, shy girls in elaborate costumes. The sci-fi quotient was mainly wheezing middle-aged men in badly concocted Star Trek uniforms who merely stared owlishly around at the throngs of humanity. In the comic aisles of the Dealer's Room, the friendliness was a bit more pronounced, as was the obvious fact these people had touched the opposite gender in a more meaningful way than being crowded into them on an overflowing escalator to the food court.
Of course, the pinnacle of friendliness, showmanship, and outright sexiness was the horror quotient of the con. This seemed to be entirely run and populated by the same crowd present at Fetish nights. As much as I wouldn't party with them, it was a nice change from being gawked at and ignored by the others.
The extremely awesome swag was just a plus; rarely do I find things at cons that I MUST have (with the exception of doujinshi, which weren't available this time). But the Voodoo/taxidermist booth had my heart.
Unfortunately, my brain was unwilling to shell out 200$ for a hand of glory (but I did think about it. Hard.)
When the convention centre closed down for the night (yes, this one actually ended for reasons other than sleep), Jaime and I went to get some food at this little place called the Hot Spot, which I walk past every day, but had yet to try.
The food was so excellent and healthy, it defies words. I definitely needed a meal entirely of veggies and fruit smoothies to combat this horrible lethargy.

September 2nd: COMICON, day 2.
So, as I suspected, the horrible tiredness is the bronchitis again (yes THE bronchitis). I spent the morning sleeping and watching movies. Later in the afternoon, Jaime and I went leisurely to the con, but didn’t stay long. We wandered around the dealer's floor (after making sure, yet again, that there was obviously nothing else of interest) perusing comic books and yearning after things we couldn't possible afford.
Unfortunately I got really tired really quickly.
The rest of the evening we watched FMA (only two more episodes!) while I rested up for tomorrow… Where we WORK the con!
Why did I ever agree to do the morning shift…

September 3rd: COMICON, day 3.
Early… So early. And so ill.
Due to rushing home yesterday (to negate me passing out in the sea of clammy nerds), we didn’t pick up the Dealer Passes. This oversight was more of a big deal than we had anticipated. Dealer Passes let those working the con enter the Selling Floor early. Without them, we got shunted into a colossal line of fans desperately waiting to be allowed to buy merchandise. After arguing with the Con Security proved fruitless (I didn’t expect too much more from power-tripping nerds that finally got a taste of bullying for all the times they were swirlied). We called Jonas and he assured us he would be at the booth in no time with extra Dealer's Passes.
Despite never getting said passes, Jaime and I ducked into the line, sprinted across the room, and took over the booth in record time. We were joined shortly by the Jack Mascot, which attracted a lot of attention. This made me glad and allowed for covert swigs of cough syrup. I didn’t have to do anything other than sit in the booth and looked pretty while handing out DVDs (and attempting not to cough directly on the patrons).
My master plan was to get everybody ill so they would be forced to stay home and watch Odd Job Jack, of course.
Strangely enough, some people refused the free DVD even when I wasn't hacking up my lungs on them. It's FREE. I don’t see what their problem is. Others argued with us that “nothing in life is free”.
Humanity is odd- though the oddest part of all was a fan of mine (apparently acquainted with me through OkCupid, though I’ve long stopped checking that once I swore off dating) recognized me and gave me his e-mail. Not only that, but came back bearing a flower that suspiciously resembled those featured at a wedding that was in a neighboring room of the convention centre.
Count me amused in an otherwise uneventful and painful day.
I was also visited by Scottie, who dropped by briefly to say hello. I gave him a stack of DVDs to spread around the Toronto Film school. I think we’re about to get a whole lot more applicants. ;)
At around 3pm DC and Krista finally came to fill in, and Jaime and I scurried off for some food.

September 8th:

happy.

September 14th: So, work’s been relatively slow considering we’re nearing the end of the season; this both alarms me, and gives me ample time to sleep in.
Monday evening I went shopping with Judy –after we realized Snakes on a Plane was no longer playing- and with much laughter at the terrible fashions and fashionistas in the Eaton Centre, I came away with outfits that I’ve been enjoying all week.
Okay, so this isn’t news per se (or, it’s really girly news, which generally isn’t my cup of tea), but it’s been ages since I’ve had some new threads.
In less superficial news, I’ve also been taking in the movies; Jaime and I watched Silent Hill and One Missed Call yesterday.
Silent hill was a total bust. Despite receiving amazing praise from reviewers, I thought the movie licked a nut. It was 80% showing-the-monster (which was admittedly a really scary effect for the first two seconds, but the subsequent 900 000 were far less gut-wrenching), and 20% bad acting from both the adult and child stars.
Seriously, how can anybody who’s experienced a nightmare be amazed by this movie? It was all the compulsory dream anxieties: not being able to run, finding yourself in a maze, searching for something you can’t find that flits in and out of your peripheral vision, etc, etc.
On the other hand, One Missed Call was really well done. It really held its own in the Japanese Horror Film genre. Reminiscent of Ringu, but with a fresh new plot, I must admit I was entertained, and a little horrified.
Most of all, my enjoyment can be said in this: I downloaded the haunted ring-tone after watching the movie.
I’ll now be deliciously reminded of the terror every time somebody calls.
Except for the transition period from my old ring, where I’ll be less terrified, and more annoyed, thinking “who the hell’s phone keeps going off? I’m going to kill them”, only to realize it’s mine, and sheepishly answer.)

Sept 25th: This weekend Jaime’s friend Tom came into town, and brought Jaime’s Nintendo 64. Needless to say, a lot (A LOT) of Mario was played. This makes three systems now: the Sega, the PSX, and now the N64.
Good-bye life, hello carpal tunnel!
While doing a huge grocery shop on Sunday, I came across the most fabulous boots, which I now possess:

Truly, in my footsteps souls cry out and bodies resurrect!

The countdown to my layoff begins, during which I’ll a) be posting a lot more, and b) will visit Sudbury.
Unfortunately, I’ll also have no money, so adventures will be frugal. Expect more garbage picking in the near future. C’mon new bike…

Sept 28th: Work has once again slowed down to a trickle. I’ve mainly been reading up on Unix in my spare time (::Nerd noise::).
After work Jaime and I walked down Bloor to the Liquor store, and on the way back, ducked into a little sushi spot we’d never tried before.
Despite going in there solely to escape the cold, it ended up being an amazing find; totally authentic, with REAL WASABI (for those who don’t know, the bright green shit you get served in the 99c sushi is dyed horseradish) and the most delicious rice ever made.
And to boot, the workers were Japanese (you’d be surprised how often this isn’t the case).
There was a whole slew of things on the menu that I hadn’t tried before, and the clear broth wakami and mushroom soup ended up being delicious.
In continued nerdy-news, I finally downloaded One Night in Paris, due to my horrible fascination with Paris Hilton. Before you finish your gasps of horror, it all started…
::Flashback::
I was reading BoingBoing, and came upon an article featuring Paris’ new CD being punked by a British dude named Banksy (if you don’t know the story, google it, it’s hilarious). He’d replaced her actual, mediocre tracks, with a terrible, repetitive dance beat and sound clips of Paris saying “that’s hot” among bytes from The Simple Life.
Some of the audio was so hilarious (i.e.: “You don’t know what a Laundromat is? It’s where people who can’t afford a washing machine and a… Drying machine go to clean… Their clothes.” – Explanation of a Laundromat to Paris) I just had to download a few episodes to see the shenanigans.
It turned out to be more entertaining than I had expected, and seeing Paris flounce around in her underpants on a riding mower just “inspired” me to download One Night in Paris.
That is BY FAR the saddest porno I have ever seen.
My fascination has officially turned to Paris Pity. Whoever that dude was, he was the biggest douche in the universe (move over, John Edward).

September 29th: Initially, Jaime and I had planned to go to the ROM (considering it’s free day), but after an emergency call from Dorian we ended up babysitting.
We went to Suspect, picked up Porco Rosso, and watched it with the kids.
They were so sweet going to bed- and afterward, we watched the Trekkies documentary, which assured if the tykes came downstairs, they’d be bored into tears.
But all went well, and Dorian came home with enough time for me to catch the subway home.

September 30th: Today was slated as movies day, but this involved actually getting a few watchable things; Jaime and I walked to Suspect, and just as we were browsing the Kung-Fu section, I was hit by a fainting spell.
I haven’t had one in so long- I didn’t pass out cold, but I did lose my vision and had to sit down in a corner. Jaime was sweet enough to stay with me, and had some experience with people suffering from fainting, so he didn’t do anything ridiculous like try to move me or get me to “walk it off”.
It eventually passed, and we immediately went to the closest corner store, where I downed a coconut popsicle and fudge.
Sugar rush well underway, I was fine for the rest of the day.
Still, I wonder what brought it on. >_< GOD DAMN YOU FEEBLE BURNS BODY!

Oct 1st: So, for some time, Dorian Jaime and I have been planning a D&D campaign.
Little did I know, despite dating the DM, this was to start TODAY. At 1pm.
One of the great mysteries is why Jaime was ALSO unaware that his own campaign was starting, and dashed out of the house, leaving me to wrap up work before joining them.
Even though I rolled in at 3pm, I found I hadn't missed much; what Jaime had quickly explained to me in the seconds before he dashed out had apparently taken three hours to get across to the other players, so I was saved from that, and character building ensued.
I'm playing a shifter, of which I know nothing, and had no hand in building.
I was pretty keen to leave, seeing as the arrangement sucked balls (read: the house we met at had no chairs, ftw), and we adjourned at 6ish.
Dorian, Duncan, Jaime and I headed out, but soon parted ways; we went to find a place to eat, they went to rock n' roll all night.
First we ended up in a pub/burger joint, but not two seconds of being seated, decided we hated the place, and after knocking over all their flower arrangements and condiments, we ended up at Spring Rolls.
This is one of those “famous Toronto restaurants” at which I'd never eaten. Mainly because I HATE Spring Rolls (the things, not necessarily this restaurant).
Granted, the spring rolls were better than most, but what really sold it was the delicious curry pad Thai. Also, the promptness of service (despite the fact our waiter was a cocky little titmouse that I would have punched had it not been for restraints).
So thumbs up for Spring Rolls, but bring sedatives.
And an appetite- portions were ridiculous.
PS: Don't get the deep fried banana. There is clearly no banana in it.

Oct 3rd: Jaime's aunt and uncle were in town, and they were kind enough to take us both out. Jaime picked Southern Accent, which is a really eclectic Cajun/Crèole place in Mirvish Village (right down the block from me).
The food was rightfully amazing, and they catered to everybody's picky eating needs.
I sampled the Cajun shrimp, blackened chicken levers (best paté I've had yet!), and a salad that was indescribably great.
The company was also good -at least after 6 Vodka Sodas- and the four of us conversed into the wee hours.
Jaime's aunt certainly was a hoot; apparently a reformed Studio 54-er, she's now into Yoga retreats and rigorously healthy eating (which somehow still includes martinis... Which gives me hope for my likely future :P).
After parting ways, Jaime and I stopped for an ice cream cone, and walked home in the cold.

Oct 4th: We'd just settled into watching the Goonies (which seemed completely asinine and indecipherable to me, by the way) when Becky called, and promptly invited me to a pub I'd never heard of.
It was called Einstein's, and after much nettling from both Jaime and Beck, I decided to head down.
Jaime and I were the first to arrive, and found it was some sort of college sports bar.
Talk about STARK CONTRAST from last night... I didn't actually want to touch the tables or order anything for fear of contamination.
At any rate, once The Big Game ended, and all the jocks in jerseys left, the bar hosted an Open Mic Night.
Becky arrived at this point, and explained her fiancé, Andre, and his brother were preforming.
They were easily the best act- the rest seemed to be either bad rapping by fat white men, or people screaming "artistically" into the mic and pounding on a Casio.
It's only cool if you name your drum machine.
Despite the crummy music, Beck and I had a good time shooting the shit as per usual, and even agreed to a double game of pool with the boys, who did all the shooting while Beck and I arsed around and failed.
It all wrapped up at 2am with tequila shots and me wrestling a beer away from James before he ended up consuming an entire pitcher by himself.
We parted ways with Beck & co, and walked home- I was blown away it was so late.
And yet, upon arriving home, my Fucking Shithead Neighbour (FSN for short from now on) was practicing.
I'm surprised I didn't see him at the open mic. He's terrible enough to contend with the guy playing the guitar with his ass.

Oct 6th: After work, Jaime and I headed down to Lynne’s new place; it was so awesome. Right downtown, a 3 story house that’s flanked by two stores, and the rent is incredibly low. Let’s just say she pays less for her half of the house, than I do for my apartment.
It’s true that single people get fucked right in the ass when it comes to housing.
So we “helped” (read: sat around and drank rum, and smoked cigars) Lynne paint her room this BRIGHT red color.
Tomorrow she moves in- exciting stuff! Parties downtown are totally in order now that everybody has massed down here.

Oct 8th: Thanksgiving at the Wells’!
Heath picked me up at around 3, after getting lost on the craziness that is Spadina. We then headed down to this mall all the way in buttfuck nowhere. It was extremely uneventful, but Heath’s friends insisted we go there.
Luckily the torture of being in a boring strip mall only lasted and hour, and Heath and I had to get home for dinner.
I arrived to Sophie screaming for me to get in the kitchen, and teacher her again to make paper cranes- I insisted I had no idea how, but she was convinced that I had taught her during a car trip with Kim. I asked when this was, and she said we were going to a museum. I was like, “I never went anyplace like that with you as a kid.” And she replies, “No, it was like three years ago in the new house.”
LoL. It so wasn’t me. I was in Van.
Everybody got settled in to eat (Heath, Jessica, John Sophie, Sophie’s friend –who’s name I’ve forgotten- Heath’s aunt and uncle + their two kids, parents, and me. Jane was MIA, apparently in PEI).
It was a HUGE meal, with insane amounts of turkey, salad, potatoes, and dessert (three courses of it!).
Afterwards Heath and I escaped doing the dishes, and looked through her old art, with much laughter.
I was pretty zonked, though, and tried to arrange a ride home, which culminated in Peter driving me at top speed to the GO station to catch a train that left in 2 minutes. I caught it, with much running, and safely returned home.

Oct 11th: I am officially out of employment! Yet without EI.
FOOD SUPPLIES RUNNING LOW!
Or maybe that’s just the endorphin induced paranoia talking.
Jaime fell asleep at 9:30, because he’s secretly an old man that enjoys grandma love. It must be true because it’s written on his face in sharpie somehow.
Never let your guard down CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
I had a black lighter, and a white lighter. As of today, only the dark side remains.
This just in: THE JUCINESS OF MANGO IS NOW IN A CEREAL SNACK BAR.
Remember that late-nineties Flash video, “Gonads in the Lightning: WEEE?”. The Wii should totally use that as endorsement.
NOSTALGIA.
Profit from it.
I downloaded Digimon Season 1 today. It’s nothing like I remember. Clearly, this is another case of Things Were Cooler Back Then.

Oct 24th: So after painful planning to be in Sudbury between parties, before my birthday, and still in a timely fashion, I left the 20th on the late afternoon bus- which was a master plan to definitely get there in time.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t planned on the Jaime contingency, wherein during the last moments before I had to go, he lost his keys, and I ended up chasing after the bus to catch it.
It was mercifully not-packed, and I had a pleasant ride into open Sudbury arms.
Saturday we rented a car for me, so I could practice driving. It came back really quickly, and I was making great progress until, on Sunday night, I was struck down by a horrid fever.
I was in crippling pain- my throat was in agony, I just couldn’t warm up, and my muscles hurt with a fiery intensity.
The fever finally broke around 7am, and I managed to rest. But then a weird symptom started: my ears would hurt whenever I swallowed.
At first it wasn’t so bad, but it actually woke me up this morning, and to cement my resolve to go see the doctor, I also started coughing up blood.
I woke up my dad to tell him, and he told me he’d be up in 20 minutes.
So my mum drove me to the walk-in clinic.
It was packed, a three hour wait behind middle aged women with nothing obviously wrong with them- at least, they were healthy enough to gossip, bitch, and laugh irritatingly (keep in mind my ears were in searing pain, here, and every little noise, let alone grating laughter, was unbearable).
I’ve been to many free walk-in clinics, on either side of the country, and they’re usually full of bleeding homeless people, shifty looking hookers, OD’ed street kids, and senile old people so frail they look about ready to expire at any moment.
I was easily the sickest person today at this location- what with the blood hacking.
Eventually, I saw the doctor; he looked in my ears, told me they were fine, looked in my throat, said it wasn’t that irritated, and listened to my chest. He asked if I had been to a different country recently- I said no, which somehow lead him to conclude I didn’t have TB.
He wasn’t concerned at all, and was about to send me away, but luckily I kept some of what I hacked up (gross, I know, but I knew he’d do this, I never have any really good symptoms when I’m AT the doctor’s office).
Upon seeing my lung pieces, he sent me down for x-rays to check for tumors, lesions, and fissures in my lungs.
The x-ray room was a lot less crowded, and only had old people with broken hips in it. They made me put on a hospital gown, and stand in this dark room with the x-ray machine. They did front and side, then sent me back to the doctor.
He said I was fine, and just prescribed me a blanket anti-biotic for my mysterious undefined illness.
So, before I inevitably die, I offer you topless pictures of me.

Oct 26th: I’m back in TO, after an uneventful bus ride. It turns out, immediately after taking the antibiotics, I started feeling better –which is too quick for the drugs, so I was obviously on the mend regardless of the blood-hoarking.
Anyway, so I’m already committed to these stupid meds, which means my b-day party will both suck and blow, as I can’t consume alcohol or other fun things while I’m on the mend.

Oct 27th: My birthday party was scheduled for today, though what was originally planned to be a big studio-wide affair ended up being a small get-together due to pretty much everybody being busy or out of town today (no, I don’t believe it either, but I’m happier with close friends, especially when I’m on meds that don’t let me drink or have conventional fun).
Jaime and I spent the day decorating, and hanging fabric remnants to cover the wall full of pornographic doodles (just in case somebody from the studio showed up).
As luck would have it, despite not having a buzzer, the door to Jaime’s apartment broke, so people could just walk right in. Lynne was first to arrive, decked out in a very Ann-Rician vampire get up, then Dorian complete with skull face and long trench coat (he’d taken the TTC, and scared quite a few people). The three of us played Mario Kart and ate until Laurel and her boyfriend showed up, and then we broke out the DDR and Karaoke.
Everybody sang- and surprisingly well too. Of the entourage, three had musical training, and one was a musician (that would be Dorian- who did a great rendition of Red, Red Wine).
Lynne, as usual, belted out awesome songs, and Laurel and her boyfriend (who have both been on stage in musicals) did some hilarious alternative versions of much loved karaoke favorites –most notably, an ogre-voice version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
The party wound down before the TTC stopped running, which was fine with me, as I had no intention of going crazy while in recovery.


Jaime dressed up as a pervert, complete with disturbing little moustache.	I was Black Cat. (From Spiderman, for those of you who assume anime.)	I don't blame the people who peed themselves on the subway.	Lynne rocking the undead life, watching Mario Kart with disdain.	My birthday pie had 23 candles and two rats, which luckily did not catch fire.	We're all entranced by the selection of the perfect karaoke tune.

Oct 28th: Being the sweetheart he is, Dorian left the Xbox and DDR at Jaime’s, so I could have an extra day to play one of my favorite games.
While Jaime applied to studios for some freelance, I danced for about two hours. It certainly made the lack of heat in Jaime’s apartment much more bearable.

Oct 29th: Today nerdiness abounded and we rocked the D&D. The eight of us gathered at Jaime’s and quested for a good five hours.
Having defeated our first boss last time, this adventure involved the purchasing of ITEMS upon ITEMS.
Soon I’ll have that helm of radiance. Only 250 000 more gil.

Oct 30th: After getting 23 birthday bumps, Jaime and I headed out to claim my dozen free bagels from What a Bagel, and spent the majority of the day walking around the city (by and large because the sushi place we wanted to go to ended up being closed, and only opens on the 14th of every month that begins with the letter M).
We ended up going to the usual Bloor sushi bar, where we ordered the Tokyo Dinner, an eight-course affair that had us both stuffed with fishy goodness (for those gourmets who’re curious, the courses were: miso soup, spicy cold tofu, seafood and seaweed salad, a variety of sashimi, tempura –including lobster tempura-, beef teriyaki, yakitori, and red bean ice cream).
The evening we polished off this week’s review- Final Fantasy Unlimited, which we were struggling to get through all week.
We beat off sleep through sheer will, and cried tears of fanguish.

Oct 31st: I felt severely run down this morning, and slept off and on until around 3pm, when I finally stirred enough to get up and have a bagel with Jaime (yes, bagels will be prominently featured in meals for a while now).
Both Judy and Becky where kind enough to give me a call to wish me a belated birthday (that is, once they realized that, no, despite how I may look, I wasn’t born on Halloween itself).
We then hit the streets to see what remnants of Halloween were still wandering in the night. To our disappointment, none of the residential neighborhoods were particularly decorated.
There were a few pumpkins still flickering, and remnants of spider floss- but no trick-or-treaters in sight.
Bloor had a few costumed patrons walking (presumably to clubs) and attracting a fair amount of attention. One woman actually stopped her car in the middle of the street to honk and wave at a guy in a 8” alien costume (I think he was a well known character, as other people were shouting a name at him).
Other than that, the usual fair of girls “dressed like hookers” and period-costumes abounded.
With the cold-air munchies, we nipped into Dominion and got some veggies to make curry, and decided to be at least somewhat holiday appropriate and looked for a pumpkin pie. Predictably there were none left, so I’ve now got one in the oven, baked from scratch (except for the crust, because I’m a lazy bitch who owns no flour).
As for the remainder of the night, scary movies and some tarot should be topical enough for us fogies who aren’t going to run about town painted green and wearing garbage bags…
(who am I kidding, if I could do body shots, I’d be at Fun Haus in my Gaara costume).

Nov 1st: This month certainly started off with a bang; this morning Jaime had a job interview with an awesome studio that’ll offer him a lot of creature comforts- and he got the position!
Now, this interview was early in the morning, so after his departure I went back to sleep, blissfully forgetting a note I had received in my mailbox some five days ago: the building was once again being treated for mice.
This time, instead of a note just saying they’d be entering my apartment and tearing shit apart, it was a release form that required signing.
I’ve never seen a mouse, so I decided to just not sign it, and caution be damned; mice are preferable to having mysterious poisons spread all through my cupboards.
At 10am, there was a knock at the door. I was just out of bed when a key unlocked the door and it swung open at me, revealing an alarmed looking man holding a bucket.
He explained, in broken English, that he was here for the mice.
Half asleep, I asked what the hell he was talking about, and eventually came to understand he was the fumigator. I told him I hadn’t signed the entrance form, to which he replied “that’s ok. I do it now”, and attempted to get past me.
I stopped him, and said I hadn’t cleared out the cupboards, as had been requested in the forms. Again he said, “that’s ok. I do it now”, which I suspect was the only English he gleaned the night before being sent to do this job.
I eventually let him in, and the “poison” ended up being blissfully simple. He popped a knot out of the bottom of my cupboard, threw something that looked like a candle down there, and left.
I went back to sleep until Jaime came back home, bearing the good news. But still riddled with debt, Jaime was keen on finding a roommate for his place. On our way over to clean his apartment, we saw my neighbors moving out (sadly, no, not Mr. Base drum).
I asked them if they were leaving for good, and they said they were just moving down the street, to the next building over. I laughed and said that’s where Jaime lived. He asked if they were moving to the 11th floor, and they said yes (we had seen the apartment across from Jaime being cleared out last night).
This whole switch-a-roo gave us an idea, and we immediately called the land lord and asked if there were any open apartments in my building to which Jaime could transfer.
It turns out there were; we were sent to look at a place on the 2nd floor, which not only is larger than my apartment, but has a lower rent.
The finalities will be sorted out tomorrow (fingers crossed!), but if everything works out, we’ll have quite possibly the largest apartment ever: one room on the 9th floor, containing kitchen and bedroom, and one room on the 2nd floor, containing office and living room.

Nov 3rd: The big move!
While Jaime went to sort out his new apartment and job, I started carting stuff over.
The vastness of the last apartment really made the amount of stuff he owns seem misleadingly small. It was an enormous amount, which had to move between buildings. Though they’re right beside each other, it was 14 floors up and down.
Luckily, I didn’t perish in 66 Spadina’s horrifying elevator of DOOM, despite it making banging noises at every floor, and vibrating in a threatening way every time I went in there with a shopping cart loaded with heavy books and dishes.
When Jaime returned, we moved some furniture, then took a much needed break. But instead of sitting around resting, we went to the ROM (on what we thought was the free day). Those bastards now charge 5$! That’s bullocks.
Once the museum shut down (and we’d seen and photographed everything- even the things we weren’t supposed to), we went out for some fries, then returned and moved the remaining furniture, which, in true form to lazy people, was the most heavy.
I was so beat by 2am, when we finally finished! But we got it done, and Jaime’s new place is all set up and glorious.

Nov 9th: Due to crappy weather and general lack of Things to Do, my days have been filled by video games, books, and movies.
For those of you who haven’t automatically scrolled forward on hearing that, here are the deets.

Books

that I found on the side of the road

Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About

The Unbearable Lightness of Being: At first, this book had promise, the debaucher us lifestyle of the main character made the otherwise dull setting at least a little engaging. But after a time I realized the characters and war-torn Russian setting was only a façade to validate Milan Kundera whacking off in literary form.
Halfway through the book, the characters just disappear, and the author switches to first-person, breaks the fourth wall, and expounds on his navel ENDLESSLY.
I didn’t actually finish reading it; I couldn’t take the repetition. Newsflash: Repeating an idea over and over in different phraseology does not make it true, more sensical, or an awesome literary device.

Scientific Blunders: This is a book in progress, but so far, the hilarity of science assign up, killing millions and costing millions, has been a riot to read. Unfortunately it was published in ’98, so some of their text is outdated (see the IMPENDING Y2K zomg!).

Movies (the ones I can remember):

Art School Confidential

Red Dwarf: I honestly hadn’t seen this series, and after half of the first season, it’s hilarious. I just wish I could understand what the characters were saying. ;P

Ring 0: YES I’ve seen this before, but the fact that I’ve watched it recently only means one thing… A WORKING VCR HAS BEEN PILLAGED FROM THE DUMPSTER! I love Sadako. <3

Venture Brothers S2: WATCH IT! It’s out! Go get it. The first and last episodes are on YouTube so you don’t even have to go through the horror of DLing or watching TV. ASkfj! It’s so great. Yes, some of the new animation blows goats, but EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHEMONARCh.

Video Games (FUCKYOUNAVI):

Guitar Hero II

Zelda, Ocarina of Time: HEY LISTEN, I can’t navigate through 3D space!
HELP ME NAVI, what are you doing? No, NO NAVI, target the flaming bat that’s destroying me, not the insignificant pole sixty meters away! OH GOD IT BURNS.
But despite my deficiency in keeping Link from falling to his doom, phasing through clipping, and dying horribly in The Lava, I’ve made it to Death Mountain.
Also, Epona is my hero. I especially love his inability to move across slight raises in the ground. This is exactly like a real horse.
DON’T TRY TO TELL ME IT’S NOT.
God damn do I hate horses.
Also, Ganon’s new design made me cry; he’s supposed to be a fat old pigwizard, not some sort of off-yellow muppet.
In slashy news, Zelda ran off with her dyke handmaid, and Link is totally boning that harp playing fag who’s name I can never remember. DO NOT DOUBT I WILL DRAW GAYSEX OF THESE THINGS.
And possibly write a horrifying story between the zombies and Link. Demented Affection Pt 2: Undead Face Humping, Link is Alarmed!

Nov 10th: More of Jaime’s friends dropped into town today, and are staying in his new place. We took them out for a brief dinner before sending them off to see Wicked, only to be given a Blow-By-Blow of the Musical when they got back. I know sentiments don’t translate in text alone, but by knowing me, and my Views on Things: Try.

Nov 11th: After much frustrating planning with Way Too Many People, Dorian, Jaime and I got together at Wulfie’s house, where we rocked the Guitar Hero II, and got sloshed on sake before heading out to the PD fashion show at Fun Haus.
Unfortunately, as the night went on, Dorian started feeling pretty bad (due to having three teeth extracted! Arrrr!), so he had to retire.
Jaime and I were still going to head down to the club, until we discovered, much to our surprise, that Outside was Cold and Unwelcoming. After walking for thirty seconds, we found shelter in the nearest sushi bar (Daio on Carlton) and had some delicious tempura.
In hindsight, it may not have been Amazing sushi, but the drunk munchies told me it was spectacular.
Afterward, we steeled ourselves, and went back into The Night, walked for another twenty seconds, before running blindingly into Fran’s, in order to escape the horror of the elements.
There we dined, probably unwisely, on ice-cream and cold rice pudding.
Mother nature, you harsh mistress.

Nov 12th: Jaime starts work tomorrow! So, after keeping a schedule of going to bed at past 4am, and getting up around 3pm, we decided it would be corking to try and retire at midnight.
It’s four hours of video gaming later, and we’re still conscious.

Nov 17th: Arugh. Internets failed me.
Yesterday was such shit, you have no idea. After finally getting to sleep, I was awoken at 9am by the fire alarm, which they tested all day. Intermittent piercing alarms every minute-or-so. I didn’t have much choice of “places to go”, though, since I’ve been out Xmas shopping all week, and I’m sick and fucking tired of crowds. Oh- and it was pouring rain and thundering outside.
By the time they stopped blaring the alarm at 4pm, my head was about to explode. Also, my laptop has degenerated into a piece of crap that won’t stay on for more than about a minute at a time. This was particularly irritating because I could drown out the alarm with music and draw when my laptop decided to stay on… WHICH WAS NOT OFTEN.
I’m seriously about to chuck it out the window and just buy myself a new one. I looked up the model online, and found that they all suffer from this stupidity, and that taking apart the laptop to get to the heat sync (the most likely problem) would involve COMPLETE DISASSEMBLY since the CPU is underneath EVERYTHING else.
Oh super. Did I mention this piece of shit isn’t under warranty anymore? They rape me 200$ just to take it a part, blow on the heat sync, and put it back together.
I also attempted to love mother nature by putting in those new energy-saving bulbs. But in the process of taking out my kitchen light, the stupid thing BROKE.
I have no idea what to do, and consulting the Internets gets me two equally useless things: light bulb JOKES, and how to screw in a new bulb (seriously, it’s a TUTORIAL on how to screw in a bulb… WHO NEEDS THAT?! It’s only complicated when things go WRONG like having the socket still screwed in and the bulb dangling there by one little wire and a fuse box full of oldskool glass fuses that don’t come out and the main switch doesn’t fucking turn anything off).
I called my landlady about this today. I was all “send down MEN to help”, and she was all “NO do it yourself!”.
Seriously, that’s what she said. I tried, I failed to remove the fuses, and also go scared of the impending electrocution, had a little cry, busted up a wall, and now I’m wailing on my crashed computer.
I think it would be worth it just for the delicious satisfaction of throwing this Satellite off the CN Tower.
Toshiba fucks your uncle.
So does my landlady and her refusal to help me out.
Everybody is a cock. If I get angry enough, I will attempt The Bulb again, and cocks to electrocution. We all know it’ll just give me super powerz.

Nov 23rd: Bullet form entry because I’m too tired for grammar:
- Saturday: went out with Beck to see a show at The Cathedral
- It is now a piece of crap assrape bar that charges 6$ a beer and 3$ to drop your coat in a puddle of urine
- I’ve been waking up with crippling stomach pains; possibly an ulcer; will get checked out in due time
- My light bulb still doesn’t work. The Man never came. He’s a fuck
- My parents came into town Sunday, and all the nights but one I fed them in my dark, lightless kitchen, then cleaned up: I am so tired of dishes and cmplaints about my lack of expensive food
- Regardless, it was nice to see them, and I liked cooking for them to save them money after The System raped them and sent them spiraling into debt
- Laurentian university is run by people who like being fucked by monkeys and have sex with each other while wearing mascot costumes of the Berenstain Bears
- I continue to get the GolfHelp.com newsletter; to whomever signed me up for it, thanks cockface
- I have not Stopped all week. Tonight. Drunkenness
- Jaime: "Leave me alone, I'm fat and I look like a viking"

Nov 26th: So today was slated for D&D, but since a good half of our crew were MIA, it ended up being Jaime, me, Duncan and Dorian, so we did a one shot, which turned out to be hilarious.
Dorian played a wilted Necromancer woman named Necra, I played Windle, the Paladin Dwarf , Jaime played “Kyle” the ornery Rogue, and Duncan played an unnamed Monk/Sorcerer.
Our very first obstacle came two minutes into the dungeon as I face planted into dogwater and nearly drowned due to being clad in a hundred pounds of plate mail. It took the entire crew to get me out of the bog, and after much poking with a staff, I was extracted and revealed I’d tripped over a dead, waterlogged body.
Being the type of Necromancer that he is, Dorian promptly fished out the corpse and “examined it”… Thoroughly. All we got was gold, so we went on our way, only to come upon some suspicious copper plates that ended up melting all things metal. This conundrum was easily solved with Everybody Getting Naked.
After the party finished retching over the sight of HAIRY DWARF GENITALS, we encountered a Sphinx, whom Dorian proceeded in dicking with until she started getting pissed at his attempts at weaseling information, and we went gingerly on our way, Westward.
Here we battled some undead, which were quickly vanquished by my Turn Undead spell, and Dorian proceeded in “searching the room”, which culminated in him falling off the ceiling (to which he had been clinging with his Spider Cloak), into the murky water, going deaf, and contracting syphilis. One sign-language conversation about Necra’s withered genitals later, everybody was cured and we were on our way.
The next room was filled with an eerie song which immediately enchanted me and Dorian, and we began walking toward a pit of doom. Duncan grabbed me, and Jaime grabbed Dorian, but fumbled and ended up pushing him down the hole instead. Necra and her legion of undead (which had been summoned in the previous hallway) all fell into poisonous barbs at the bottom of the pit. Though she survived, Necra suffered so much loss of dex she couldn’t stand (but thanks to the Spider Cloak, did manage to haul herself out of the hole. Her Creatures were not so lucky).
Meanwhile, with the tank-like dwarf hypnotized, the necromancer down the hole, and the other two party members struggling to keep their friends from dying, a harpy emerged and began trying to fuck up our shit.
Amidst the melee, Necra managed to escape the pit, and I was tossed to the other side, where we both managed to escape hypnosis for a total of two seconds, before we were put back under the spell, much to the exasperation of Kyle and Duncan the Unnamed Monk.
Luckily, after a few good distance hits from Duncan and myself (once un-hypnotized) the harpy was grounded and we managed to defeat her and move on to a strange room with a mid-air river.
We promptly went down the river without much trepidation, and ended up getting in a fight with a bunch of human guards. We defeated them easily, but at Necra’s request, left one alive for questioning.
Then began the Two Hour Discussion of How Best to Kill or Torture the remaining Human. It was only after we’d gone over chopping off his tongue, hands, arms and legs (to stop him from going to get help, you see…) that we realized he was Standing Right There listening.
So, with most of us being pretty lawfully good, we decided to keep The Human alive and take him with us as a captive, and also a lead in case there were any traps (okay, granted that wasn’t very Good, but it was better than Necra’s plan to poke out his eyes so he couldn’t Communicate Through a System of Blinks). Of course, having The Human as a lead presented some problems with how to tie him up; if we put the rope around his neck, we’d obviously kill him if he fell down a cliff, and none of the Good characters were down with that.
It culminated in us stripping The Human naked, fashioning a pant-harness around a singular testicle (leaving one so he could one day be a father- at Duncan’s request), and sending him on his way.
The Human, though terrified by us, admitted he had seen a fair few adventurers in his time, but none had discussed his Package at such length.

Stay tuned for next week’s installment, which will involve a Giant Lobster Cook-off, and the annual homunculus swimming meet.
o/` Spider Ho, Spider Ho
5 for a handy, 10 bux for a blow o/`

Nov 27th: Today I waged war on Y!Gallery (http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/).
This is a gallery that focuses primarily on slash (boy/boy) relationships, and doesn’t allow posting of heterosexual or female art. Just so you know- and I did. But today I was censored for not drawing a character MASCULINE enough.
I posted a picture of Link and Sheik, from the Legend of Zelda series. Some of you may not know, Sheik is a male character who is “in theory” Zelda (a female) in disguise.
Many artists at the Y!Gallery chose to believe that Sheik is indeed a man, and these pices of art, even if they ONLY featured Sheik, were left up.
My art was taken down- twice. Despite their FAQ saying the reason for removal of art would be e-mailed to the artist, I received no emails what so ever.
In attempts to rectify the situation, I looked at all dozen moderator profiles, trying to find a contact e-mail address so I could explain to somebody what my art was, and why it wasn’t inappropriate for the gallery.
NONE of the mods had available e-mails.
So, I did what any angry person would do, I drew a GIANT COCK on Sheik. A huge, cum-spewing cock. I also wrote a message on the art, “Dear Mods, stop taking down my fucking art, it’s obviously two guys, you cunts”.
Despite never getting comments on my work, within seconds I had two other artists saluting me for what I’d done, then, in a flash, it was over, and I was banned.
So, I say, FUCK Y!GALLERY, they’re a bunch of GAY HITLERS.

Nov 28th: The War Continues!
So this morning I found that pieces of my Y!Gallery still existed. They deleted art at random (or, what I suspect, left the pieces they really liked and thought brought some traffic) but there were still quite a few of my creations hosted on their servers.
Due to being banned, I couldn't log in to my own account to delete my remaining art.
Of course, contacting them by the only means available, the message board, involved having an account.
Upon trying to create a new one, I was pwnd by the banz0r.

Ten minutes and one Russian proxy later, I had received the e-mail verification for my new account.

I think we learned two valuable lessons here: if at all possible, don’t rage at the mods, because they have no sense of humor about giant cocks and being called cunts.
But more importantly, we’ve proven once again that TOS BULLSHIT DOESN’T APPLY TO GEEKS.

Nov 29th: Longest. Day. Ever.
I got up relatively early to get ready and meet with Lynne. Since it’s conceivably my last week off work I tried to cram as much doing-things and seeing-people in as humanly possible.
Lynne and I hung around talking of hippy things and saving the Earth for the afternoon. I left around 5, returned home and wrapped Christmas gifts (I’m ahead of the game, I know, but I like to be prepared and avoid the stupid festive crowds).
Jaime came home and we had dinner while downing a record amount of sake (and one Sapporo in Jaime’s case), then we filled the flask and headed down to the Mod Club to watch SoB play.
Eight rounds of shots later we were the most lively people in the house (with the exception of one oldskool metal fan). But this wasn’t much of a fete, as all the kids there were extremely subdued and limited themselves to head-nodding.
No mosh pit formed, despite meat being thrown into the crowd (::Old man voice:: when I was a kid, if the band threw things at us, we MOSHED, and we LIKED IT).
After rocking out to three encores, Jaime and I headed back to Brad’s place for a smoke and some rousing Xbox + vacation photos (ah the nerdy and the clandestine).
Jaime and then stumbled home; luckily it’s been unseasonably warm and it was quite a pleasant sojourn (other than the crippling fatigue).
Zzzz.

Dec 3rd: Last night was Jaime’s studio party, which was the quintessential “Nondenominational Holiday Gathering”, but held at the ritzy 424.
Jaime was less than impressed by the whole corporate atmosphere of schmoozing and very little daxing. I, on the other hand, was drunk, so it was a pretty good party.
Granted, I wasn’t surrounded by overbearing workmates, though I did spot a few Smiley Guys who had jumped the boat.
I may have attacked them, but, as far as my recollection, I mainly attacked the “Dance Floor” (read: an area where nobody dared to congregate due to two older ladies attempting to rock the G spot).
Today, feeling slightly worse for wear, Jaime and I went out for some recuperative pizza, then hung about in Honest Ed’s for about three hours, before venturing back out into the cold. It truly was freezing, with a smattering of very-cold-weather snow (all the Northerners know what I mean).
In the interest of not going out into the arctic tundra of night, Jaime and I stayed in and watched Clerks II, which was hilarious (despite me not having seen the first one).
One word for this movie: Donkey Fucker.
It was great.

Dec 9th: So, after hearing that I won’t be returning to work anytime soon (but EVENTUALLY, so don’t worry), I’ve taken to filling my days with the fangirlish glee of looking up Good Omens fanstuff.
Both the fanart and fics have caused me so much hilarious joy, that I have to share the quotespam with you.
In actual news, I have an appointment with Human Resources on Monday, wherein I attempt to explain My Monetary Situation; it should prove to be a heartwarming tearjerker where I mainly make fun of the other people begging for money as if I’m better than them.
And on that exact note:

Jaime

Later…

Me: ::Reading Good Omens fanfics:: They make Crowley really angry.
Jaime: That's odd, he's a pretty laid back guy
Me: He's all swearing and crazy and rants. These fangirls have raped the characters!
Jaime: * sigh * They don't make good perverts anymore.
Me: "He looked like he couldn't decide if that was revolting or --
"Fuck off," said Aziraphale.
Crowley didn't blink much, on the whole. He blinked now, an exaggerated sweep of lashes that made Aziraphale's knuckles itch for contact. "
WHAT
Me: I'm so confused by this story. When is the Sex!
"Aziraphale eyed the new cappuccino machine with distrust. It was shiny. It was black. It looked like it could fly, if you pulled the right lever. He backed out of the kitchen slowly, and went back to the bedroom. "
Is that the Sex? Was it a Euphamism?!
Jaime: Nah, they're trying to duplicate Pratchett's comedic style of writing.
Me: Trying...
- OMG AND THEN AZIRAPHALE DIES!!! ROFL!!!1111
Jaime: From coffee? Oh my...
Me: PSL ::INCAPASTIATED:: Okay...
Okay... ROFL!
HE TRIPS
and TIES
*DIES
I
ALOL
ROFL
Jaime: What the.. like, from falling over?
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEK!111111111111 ::Side clutching ::Knee slapping
YES
And Crowley is like "WTF YOU DOING"
and all "NOOOO!"
AZIRAPHALE TURNS HUMAN
CAN"T MAKE COFFEE
DIES
THE END
Jaime: That's... That's the most ridiculous thing, I can't even make sense of it in a metaphorical way. Maybe they're trying to rip off 'City of Angels' (worst movie ending ever)
Me: I remember ONE thing from City of Angels. No wait TWO; the truck going off the cliff. Which was great.
And the nurse and the Angel guy scoots back on a stool and it makes this noise but his mouth is open so it looks like he's making dog sounds... Which um... Have nothng to do with the plot. But made the movie a good B+
Jaime: PSL
Me: HOLY OOC!! AHH!
"Crowley ignored him. "A makeover!" "I beg your pardon?" Aziraphale said, confused. "I read about them, in those women's magazines," Crowley replied."
NO.
Jaime: I like that they've taken it upon themselves to make these characters GAYER
Me: OMG this fic is so retarded! But I can't look away. SNAKENOISES. With the SEX. WHY.
Jaime: Snakes... don't.. make noises. They don't have vocal chords, they..... ARGH! * aneurism *
Me: Lawl- omg! okay... wahoa.
Aziraphale just said "you like that?" in the porno kind of way. WTF. HE'S FAT AND HE'S SASSY!
Jaime: LOL We need to write some sort of response to this crap
Me: AGREED

And, yes. Our rebuttal is so bad you will probably loose your vision from reading. Hence, I’ll post it copiously starting tomorrow.

Dec 10th: Today, D&D happened. It was good, but uneventful owing to many of our players ditching, being ill, and moving far across the country (though I’m not entirely sure that had everything to do with the campaign).
Memorable moments include Dorian cooking hotdogs on magic crystals while low-riding through fields of gory death, and talking cats with magic keys up their ass.
Now, as promised, the first installment of the horrid mockery of Crowley/Aziraphale fanfics, including such notorious horros as Fat!Aziraphale, Turrets!Crowley, and Pimpster!DEATH.
(For those of you unfamiliar with Good Omens, just for readability, whenever Death speaks, he doesn’t have any lead-ins or outs to his dialogue. He just TALKS LIKE THIS IN ALL CAPS, even in the book. Seriously. Now you know. ::Rainbow::)

Oh Crum I’ll have to Mend it

This is a story of the harrowing adventures of creatures of a theological nature, a romping, twisting, exhilarating, cream filled adventure of mirth, consternation, and the creative use of run-on sentences. Regarding two angels, one fallen, and the personification of the nullification of all light and creation engaging in the molestation of poorly paid near-prostitutes with delusions of grace and some buggery. Taken as a satire of poor slash writing, and not to mention, a sex scene that proves once and for all, as Milton observed, that ‘All angels are terrible.”… at oral.

Chapter 1: Crowley's Neckbeard
It was then that he caught a glance of the murky water that filled the tank.
“Oh flibbering jidbits.” Said Aziraphale around a mouthful of cake, spraying the top of the water with crumbs. “The goldfish has died again.”
“Fuck.” Crowley responded.
HAY GUYS WHAT’S GOING ON IN HERE
“Oh hullo Death, want to join me in some bacon wrapped butter balls?” Aziraphale asked politely (“Fuck you.” Said Crowley).
YOU GAYWADS WANNA GO HIT A SKIN BAR
“That sounds tickety boo” Said Aziraphale (Crowley: “Fucking eh.” )
YOU KNOW IT WON’T BE BLOKES BEING RAMMED IN THE ARSE RIGHT
“How the shit should I style my fucking beard you skull faced cockmonger!?” Asked Crowley, trying miserably to twirl his goatee with the tiny malformed snake balls he had as hands. Only succeeding in smearing his face with amphibious goo, he sighed sadly (“WHHhSSSssssssssssssssssssshhhh.”).
“What of the dandy wee FISH eh?” Said Aziraphale, who had been a full minute without food and was eyeing the dead pet with a HUNGER unknown outside of Middle-American McDonalds.
GROSS.
“Let’s hit the fucking bitches, UNF.” Crowley zipped up his pants, and thought of James Stewart.

Girls with questionable endowment and typically rancid British smiles shook their asses in the triad’s faces.
HOT.
“Fuck. Yes. Get the fuck over here slutshittyslutslut.” Said Crowley, waving a ten pound note.
“Owuch!” Cried the dancer as Crowley’s hand ventured further South than was strictly expected of customers paying under 100 £.
Startled by her outburst, Crowley hissed at her, while Aziraphale side-glanced him poutily, and Death ORDERED SOME MORE WINGS.
“Why do you have to be so bully with the ladies.” Aziraphale whined between consuming drumsticks whole.
In all their sixmillionbillion years hanging out and being shitty together, Crowley had never noticed Aziraphale’s chicken-deep-throating talent.
He was aroused.
TAKE IT OFF. YAH BITCHES. AW MAN I’M WASTED.
Crowley put an arm around the angel’s beefy shoulders. “Quit your fucking winging, bitchbitch.” He said softly. “Why don’t you have another fucking wing.” He eyed Aziraphale meaningfully over the rims of his sunglasses.
OH GOD WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A J.
Completely flummoxed by Crowley’s serpentine fingers working themselves into his ineffable pants, Aziraphale could only reply in a nonsensical babble of stereotypical British words. “Tish-tosh! Piffle! Bog roll! Spotted Dick! Pollywock!”
At the very moment Crowley’s probing was about to reach abysses never Earthwhile probed, Death fell off the catwalk, followed by two equally sloshed hookers.
OH MY GOD DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT I TOTALLY FELL OFF THE CATWALK.
Crowley stood up, causing Death to join his lady friends on the strip club floor. “Fuck! Why don’t we get the shit out of here!”
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUWWW! Death shot the double-gun (and an infeasible wink) at Crowley, picked up his hunnies and staggered to the door, a joint still burning sadly forgotten, wedged between the remains of his nostril cartilage.
“Come on.” Crowley dragged Aziraphale away from the remains of the nacho platter (most of which he attempted to squirrel down his sweater vest for later).

I AM TOTALLY COOL TO DRIVE, MAN. DON’T BE SUCH A BUZZKILL.
Crowley massaged his temples and begrudged his waning inebriation. “Fuck you man. Shit. I’ll drive. You pack a fucking bowl and make sure Aziraphale gets a few hits.”
HEY LADIES WHO WANTS SOME MESCALITO (the latter was said with a Taco Bell accent).
Crowley kicked the final hooker into the back seat and started down the highway.
It was good fortune the half-dozen human girls in the car were too cracked out on speedballs and PCP to realize their car was flying over London, leaving only a trail of slightly smooshed cigarettes flittering back to Earth.
AW DUDES I DROPPED MY SMOKES.

Back home, Crowley tersely left Death and his band of saggy half naked hookers, who were now grouped around Aziraphale’s trunk of ornate handkerchiefs, elbow deep and giggling.

Dec 11th: OH. EARLY.
Augh.
Seriously. It was so early… 7am. Still dark out. Rolled out of bed into clothes, dicked around until it was imperative that I leave, did so, and ended up in a stuffy building.
I was the second person there; the first was a man who was probably homeless and may have been there for hours simply to escape the shitty rain.
The other interviewees included three basic factions: waitresses (all women, from the young to the grizzled, looked like they served tables), foreign men (all of whom looked sad and/or confused), and Kid Rock.
After being told NOT TO LIE, and the LIES MAKE JESUS CRY, I went home and slept for a few minutes before scouring the entire house (which was getting disgusting).
Now I am tired. So tired. Tired enough that it’s time for Part Two…

Chapter 2: The Most Horrifying Blowjob Ever

something

Dec 13th: Today, I ventured out into the world to fetch cheques and drop off Jaime’s expanding Mactop for battery replacement (LuLz hubris).
Also this:
Rogers: Is... "Vaigerrr Persinjjer" there?
Me: No. But Viger is here. You want to talk to her?
Rogers: Yes please.
Me: Hi!
Rogers: Um-
Me: What are you selling today?
Rogers: This is Ahrienhbi Admireoruiewhrrrslh calling on behalf of Rogers home phone service-
Me: Again!? You guys call me every two weeks. Who even needs a home 'phone when they have a 'cel?
Rogers: Well-
Me: No me. That's who. Not me.
Rogers: Have you ever thought of the benefits of having a home phone?
Me: Hell no. I'm never here. In fact I'm only here for two minutes right now to change my pants.
Rogers: What-
Me: MY PANTS. Ciao.
Rogers: Thank you for choosing.. Um... Rogers.

Dec 14th: Went out today to buy a dress; on the way, two homeless men (stereotypical ones too, one with a shopping cart, the other with a colossal beard and a toque) walked by. The toque one had a boom box, and as I walked by he started playing Jimi Henxrix Voodoo Child. WEIRD. I JUST added that to my play list.
Jaime and I went out for dinner to Insomnia (Bathurst and Bloor).
Ranting Review of How it Sucked (skip if you care not about cold food and things that taste of poop):
Now, their brunch menu is GREAT. The baked pancakes? Fantastic.
However, DO NOT EAT DINNER THERE. It was so disgusting I could have vomited right on my plate.
We first began with a Diet Coke for me (of course!), a martini for Jaime, and an appetizer of prochutto wrapped asparagus.
Firstly, that was not Diet Coke, it was Diet Pepsi (yes, yes, I sound like a bitch, but it’s a pet peeve of mine when servers are all “OKAY I WILL FETCH YOU ONE”, thinking I won’t be able to tell the difference. Also, they put a lime wedge and ice in it. DIET COKE SHOULD NOT BE FSKED WITH). But more importantly than my beverage OCD, was Jaime’s martini was watered down and had huge chunks of ice in it (maybe they were ill informed about ice levels in all drinks), and the asparagus was freezing cold.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were trying to be avant garde with their ICE IN EVERY FUCKING DISH. Anyway, we ate the cold asparagus which was covered in cold cheese and cold tomatoes and six bottles of olive oil.
Then our main courses came. I ordered a grilled veggie sandwich with fries, and Jaime had the steak, potatoes and veggies.
Firstly, my sandwich was COLD. Maybe I’m out of the loop here- but to me, when I order cooked veggies, I don’t expect them to be COLD. Also, the sandwich mysteriously came with tartar sauce on the side. Wtf. And, to top it off: worst fries since the cafeteria at Science North in the mid-eighties.
Jaime’s steak was not much better. Firstly, it was the cheapest, most gristly cut of meat ever. To “cleverly disguise this”, it was covered in gravy, and to “pep up” the veggies (I expect), they covered everything else in eight bricks of BUTTER.
We left, it was disgusting, we were seated beside children with digestive problems, it was horrid, don’t go there. The End.
Afterward we rented Party Monster (which we’ve been reading). The film version (with McCully Culkin and Seth Green) was mentally retarded. How can ACTORS not accurately portrayed drugged out party kids (ftw!). Also, their “gay” acting was embarrassing. The only good part about the movie was Marilyn Manson playing Christine (the crazy old drag queen). He was hilarious, pulled it off amazingly.
Otherwise, another book raped by the movies (and filmed on VHS with only two sets, apparently).

Dec 15th: After a day of doing noting, Jaime and I headed down to hang with Dorian and play some Guitar Hero.
When we first got there, the kids were still up watching YTV, which seems to show exclusively anime at this point (and I hadn’t heard of any of the anime either –save for Naruto- and it all looked extremely random and asinine). I wonder if Japan is making “slated for North America” shows, which are low budget and stupid, since Americans can’t tell the difference.
The night wrapped up with me putting D to sleep with Old Computer stories, then an Imaginary Pasta Fight in the Dominion.

Dec 16th: I was woken up at 8:30am by my ‘phone. When I answered it, a raspy man-voice kept saying “wake up”, until I handed the ‘phone to Jaime, who said all he heard was some breathing, then hanging up.
Just FYI to all readers of my blog, I still have my previous stalkers in a locket. I’m sure you’ve seen it on me. THEIR BONES ARE WITHIN.
In less cheerful news, Jaime and I ventured into Dufferin Mall to pick up groceries (DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME). It’s so close to Christmas that the whole building was TEEMING with people. Dufferin Mall is shitty at the best of times (families of 10+ children, all in the MEGAPRAMS, screaming for McDonalds, falling down in the middle of human traffic tantruming, and a good portion of adults doing the same).
Now that it’s Xmas, these things are multiplied by 1000%.
It was an endless sea of pregnant teenage moms pushing 6 strollers, a cacophony of children screaming and loud-talking adults, Christmas music (some live, some recorded, most blaring from millions of cheap ‘cel phones), and the wailing agony of a million souls trying not to go mad from the sheer HORROR OF IT ALL.
After elbowing at least a dozen heavily lip-linered girls in the face, we escaped, (with Scrabble to boot)!
The evening was spent playing board games and watching movies (including the fascinating documentary 69 Up, which follows the lives of several children until their 69th birthday).
Quote of the day: “Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was fixated on that woman and her dog. Did you see them? Right at the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change, the dog took a huge sloppy shit. The guy beside it looked down, right at the dog and the shit. Then he looked up, and when the light changed, stepped right in it. WTF!” - Jaime

Dec 20th: And now for A Collection of Random Things.
After browsing the Yaoi fics anew, I keep thinking back to that fabled time when Fanfiction.net didn’t suck. Or, at least, it sucked a little bit less.
Does anybody else remember that first huge swath of censorship that cut through FFnet? It was all about “real life slash” (which still makes me laugh uncontrollably).
Of course, at the time, it was mainly Molder from the X-Files slashed with every other crew member, but that soon grew to include the Harry Potter cast of youngsters.
That’s where The Line gets a little blurry, I think. I mean, it’s clearly fiction, and no more offensive than Danrad, still not technically “legal”, being made to snog on girls (why should it matter if it’s a boy instead?).
But the fact remains it’s just questionable enough that you can’t declare with (as much vehemence) “they’re FICTIONAL characters! Having fictional non-con bumsex!”.
Somebody had to have complained about this, some famous person got their panties in a knot and started wreaking vengeance on the slash sites.
That just makes me WTF all over the place. Firstly, you’re famous: people will write about you. If it’s buttsex, then that’s that. You were written about having buttsex, you kinda signed on for having CRAZY ASS fans when you became an actor/singer/famous douchebag.
If somebody wrote slash of me (OH THE WELCOME MAT IS OUT, LET’S SEE WHO COMES A KNOCKIN’) I would not only love it to bits and whack to it, I’d show it to everybody I knew in ULTIMATE GLEE.
Unless of course it was terrible, then I would MST it… in ULTIMATE GLEE.
[Not a minute passes before my wish is granted! (sort of)]
Once upon a time in an apartment complex far away...
There was a creature called the Veege.
Children would gather on stormy dark nights while their parents were out blowing their employers, and whisper frightening tales of the sounds that would come from her lair "I heard that the pounding on the floor is her crushing kittens into juice!" Squeaked one prepubescent.
"I heard she tortures foreign exchange students to death, and you can hear the screams from down the hall!" Said another with some curiosity.
Some said she never left, and had become one with the apartment, and not even the landlord dared to enter it. One man, clearly shaken, had attempted to put mouse poison inside.
He could only stammer in broken English "She had eye like evil, evil in the night, you understand? Her hair, it hang like gallows rope. I escape only with life. Still, the nightmares, they come."
Next to the apartment lived a poor man driven mad by the proximity, drowning out the voice in his head and the terror of it by banging on a drum endlessly Screaming into the night.
In the wee hours, when all is quiet, you can still hear her haunting song...
"YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!"
THE END
And now, the camwhoring:

This is a Quiz that’s been going around, “which highschool stereotype are you?” or some bullshit. The token picture for “Goth” is this fine lady, who, every time I see her, makes me do a double-take.
For those of you who don’t know, Christina is the lead singer for the band Lacuna Coil, which isn’t half bad (in fact, I had a few of their songs in my playlist before even knowing who their lead singer was, and how breathtaking she was ; )).

Dec 21st: OMG XBOX!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee!
zFWSHR!
Dorian bought me a combined B-day/Xmas gift: an Xbox with DDR!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :D
Also, Yule dinner was awesome and fantastic, and it was great seeing Duncan and Annabelle and Andy again.
I’d go into more detail, but EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dec 31st: As is my tradition, instead of writing eloquent recantations of festivus, I'll just picspam you.

Dramatic Retellings of Main Vacation Points:

The traditional skull exchange. I rejoice. I gave my mum the heartfelt gift of obsolete media. Doctorb. The extra B is for Brain Fever! Fractals! Snow graced us well after festivus, all Sudburians wept. Little did we know, There Was Another Path. Angry Brows the Snowman perished in that night's thunder storm.

Sightseeing Described Entirely in MisQuotes:

We likes it RAW and WRIGGLING! Can you get me a Fresca? One gay step for man... One buttrape for mankind. Flashbulb: DO NOT WANT. MY HAM RADIO GOOD BUDDY.

Fabrication to make Misc Images more Entertaining:

Jaime nearly perished at the diabolical hands of Jane Goodall and her army of highly trained simians.